Monday, October 31, 2011

Unexpected Neurosis

I fully expected to have trust issues. I fully expected to have to suppress and talk myself into believing a guy was not cheating on me, that he was a good guy and telling me the truth.

I never expected to feel doubt about future of a house.

Let me expound. When we were first looking at houses, the ex and I had big plans. He claimed to be handy and that he was excited about fixing up a house.

What really happened was that we bought a house that needed work and I worked on the house and he didn't. Sure he did the occasional required work, but he felt no urge to complete projects, or start projects... instead playing WoW and pointing out how tired he was after work. So much for working on the house together....

Ok, I understand he was tired, but I did projects and completed them, and I'm not the one who claimed to be handy before we bought the house.

So when boy2 starts talking about how excited he is to own a house in the future, and especially that it be a fixer upper, I had doubts. Serious doubts. And I tried my damnedest not to be a Debbie downer and be supportive. Because I would love to own a fixer upper on some land. I just couldn't help it, every time he started talking about it, I would think, 'but you'll be tired after working in construction all day you really want to come home and do that?? What about WoW?' He's the Guild Master of a top tier guild. And while I find that very attractive, it doesn't mean he has a lot of time after work, unless he's planning on giving  up WoW (can't see this happening).

While I have legit arguments for doubting him.... he doesn't deserve it. He follows through on everything else I've seen, and it's not fair to transfer my doubts to him.

Who knew my doubts and neurosis would interfere with this???

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The dumbest drama...

Since, I mentioned in the last post that this stupid party fight is some of the dumbest drama I've ever been involved in. I thought I would tell the story of the absolute dumbest drama I've ever been involved in. I'm pretty sure nothing will ever top this.

A couple of weekends ago, I went on a trip back to my college. I rode on an aeroplane and everything! On my second flight (I had to layover on the way there), I was sitting in the middle seat of the first row. It's a two hour flight, no biggie though, there's a girl to my left (window) and an older, not too fat guy to my right (aisle).

We take off and about two minutes in, the old-guy turns on his reading light and leans on the armrest (my armrest) and starts reading his book.... in my lap. I mean he is way leaned over. I am so uncomfortable. His arm is rubbing up against my ribs and my boob. I really have no place to go, there's only so far I can lean towards the girl, and it's not cutting it.

15 minutes in, I give in and ask him, very politely, to please lean the other direction. He gets all huffy and says he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I gape at him and point out that his book is practically in my lap. He reluctantly pulls up and sits straighter. Still in my bubble but not nearly as bad.

5 minutes later he's back in the same spot, and I have to do it. I say "I just don't understand why it's so hard to lean the other direction... please." Oh this time he's upset. He rambles off some reasons. The book light is over there he wants to read, I tell him he could move it. He swears he's not leaning into me at all. He says it's an armrest meant to be shared.

At this point I lose it. I tell him, oh the armrest is meant to be shared? Really? Well then I want my part of the armrest. I stick my elbow on the armrest and what ensues is a 1.5 hour fight over the armrest.

Elbowing each other, he says that now I'm invading his space. I say, oh really, I wonder how that feels. (Mind you... I'm not leaning, I didn't have the courage, nor did I really want to be close to him). At one point he reaches down like he has to get something (totally fake) and comes back up quick so he can slam his elbow into my arm. I hold my ground, and in fact, claim even more space. Mwahahaha.

The flight finally ends. I have hives because I hate confrontation that much. We disembark and I walk towards baggage. The guy sitting across the aisle from us, comes up to tell me how much that guy deserved what I did and he was glad I stood up to him. We talked loudly (with the old-guy walking behind us) about how rude the old-guy was.

This is by-far the most immature thing I've done in my adult life. I don't think I'll ever top it. I'm so embarrassed by this story. Yet strangely proud of myself for winning the elbow war.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I only post when I'm miserable

Well, that's the truth, so let's get to it.

I realize I'm a social bully (I like bullying people into doing social things)... if you don't want to do something, just say so. I bullied a friend into hosting a Halloween Party, actually, there was a compromise made. We (myself and my roommate) would host a pumpkin carving party a couple weeks ago, and he would host the Halloween Party. It's now just a couple days away from the Halloween Party and he's really made it clear he's not happy he's hosting. Makes me not want to go. Invite list is small (all people I don't typically hang with), he's scheduled something else earlier that evening, making the likelihood of a good party small, people just don't typically do multiple events in one evening well.

I would've hosted the Halloween Party if I had known the consequences. Not only that, but me and this guy never fight, so I feel rotten about that too. For that matter, I never fight with friends, period. I don't like confrontation.

But when I think about not having a Halloween party, I just get all sad. There's always been a Halloween party for the last 8 years of my life.

At this point, I would offer to have it at my place, but I know BFF/roomie, really doesn't want to at all. (She gets a little anal about cleaning up the night of, not the next day... and her parties don't typically last after midnight.... she's an old lady in disguise.)

I kinda want to go to the first event, but I'll feel like a real kill-joy if I'm all ready to leave, get dressed in my costume and go drink and everyone else is like, "yay! we're having fun!"

And to top it all off, I jumped the gun (at least now it feels like I jumped the gun) and asked boy2 if he wanted to come to the party. How am I going to explain (without looking like a psycho) if I'm too pissed to go?

You know what I really want? To get some alcohol tonight. That's probably not a good thing.


*Whine, whine, bitch, bitch*

This probably has something to do with change-anxieties, etc. But it's not actually super connected to the whole divorce and recovery thing. I just wanted to complain.  :D

Update: I had terrible anxiety about this last night and didn't get much sleep. So I sent an apology email to this guy at 4am for "taking over" his party by inviting a few more people... like he told me I could. Whatever, I just want things to not be awkward between us. Plus, I did feel bad for stepping on his toes a little. Thus far I've gotten no response to this, except for a text asking me how many people were coming. I told him no one's confirmed yet. And he said Let me know so I can buy enough food. I said let me know what you want and I'll get it for you. I don't know if he took this as stepping on his toes again or what. I just felt bad for apparently inviting a "ton" of people (4) more than he originally planned on, like it's going to cost him a small fortune.

I really want to not go to this party now and I don't think there's a graceful way to do that. Maybe I'll be "sick" that night?

Oh, BTW, this is probably some of the dumbest drama I've ever gotten involved in. Furthering my fears that I'm turning into the crazy girl.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Why?

Seeing this is like getting punched in the stomach.

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lk0g5/i_caught_my_wife_cheating_i_am_lost/

It instantly reminds me of the pain and anguish of those first couple of days. But I can't let it be. I PMed (Private Messaged) this guy, letting know I'm here to talk if he wants to.

I just can't stand this. Why do people cheat? Hanging on to one person while you decide if you can get something better is horrible. How can you be that person? Why can't people be honest and upfront about how they feel? I know, I make it sound easy when it clearly is not.

I've been trying to hold to a policy of honesty with guys I've been dating. This means saying something if something is bothering me. And I'd like to think I'd be honest and just tell someone if I didn't like them.

BTW, I still haven't broken up with boy1. Not because I haven't tried, but because he's very successful at avoiding me. *sigh* I guess I'm giving up that DVD as lost, and unofficial broken-upedness can commence. (haha, I know it's not a word, I don't care!)

Monday, October 17, 2011

Another post about my feelings, and other mushy stuff

Thank god I have a blog to sort out my feelings. I'm sorry you have to suffer through this. Feel free to skip this posting, I won't be offended if you're tired of hearing about my dating trials and tribulations. Constantly evaluating myself and how I feel.

If, however, you've enjoyed my drama and ranting... read on!

I got up the courage today to text boy1 and tell him that if he plans on only drunk texting me in the future (has been the only contact for the last week really) that we should meet up and exchange stuff. I want my Shaolin Soccer DVD back, and I can give him back his book. Asked him what he was doing after work today. No response yet. I'm sure he's freaking himself out about this. But really I just want to make sure we don't have any strings attached. Tell him I really don't think I can do this dating thing, especially if his idea of "dating" is just drunk texting me without actually seeing or talking to me.

On another note, I like boy2 more and more. I'm worried I might just like being pursued though.

So here's a list to help me sort things out in my brain.

Things I like about boy2:

  • He's pursuing me. (*cough* what did I just say?!)
  • He has lot's of ambition and drive.
  • He not only plays WoW, he's a GM of a successful raiding guild. I can't explain why I find this attractive, I just do.
  • He snowboards.
  • I like talking to him on the phone (I list this because it's rare. I'm an engineer/nerd, and if I can get away with not talking to people that's usually my preference.)


Things I don't like about boy2:

  • He likes to argue. So do I, to some extent. And part of me is enjoying the challenge of our conversations. The other party of me feels irritated. Like I always have to be "on".
  • Sex with him is not as good as with boy1. But I think that might just be me. I feel like I separated myself emotionally a little bit before I started dating this guy. And, as we all know, sex for a woman, is better if emotions are involved. I think this is probably true for everyone, but I think guys don't like to admit it.


Epiphany:
That's it, that's why I'm hesitating. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is actually just not attraction to boy2, or if I've separated myself emotionally, because I'll admit it, I've been feeling pretty hurt by boy1's rejection (even though my shrink assures me that it's mostly him and his issues and probably has very little to do with me). This would be alright if I wanted to use boy2 for sex and have some recovery time. But I don't think I do. I enjoy talking with him. I just have to go with some good advice. Just relax and try to enjoy myself.


It's strange to think that boy1 might have affected me so much. I'm betting it's not really him. I'm betting that since it was my first time putting myself out there (really extending myself emotionally) for the first time in 9 years, and it didn't end horribly (honestly, it could've been much worse given the factors), still, feeling even more cautious then before. As if your husband cheating on you isn't a good enough reason to be cautious and emotionally stunted. :)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

My Favorite Compliments

Honestly, this is the number one reason I'm enjoying dating so much right now (sure, kissing, and sex, and going out and meeting new people is fun and all, but I really love being complimented).

So here's my favorites so far:

  • I love how smart you are.
  • You have such a cute little butt.
  • You're gorgeous, your ex must've been crazy to cheat on you.
  • God, you're sexy.
  • I think it's so cool that you're so nerdy. (I really love this one, lol!)
  • You're a fantastic kisser. (This one is amazing to me just because I have so little practice, the ex was not a kisser. I've been missing out on this for 9 years btw, Kissing is awesome!!)

There's more, but I can't remember them right now.

I've got to admit that the reason some of these are sticking with me is because they're things the ex never said to me.... ever. In fact, I was made to feel dumb a lot, criticized for my "flat butt", never told how beautiful I looked even when I dressed up.... I see you're getting the point.

All these are amazing self-esteem boosters. I love it.  But it makes me realize that I'm not very good at giving compliments either. In fact, I tend to be excruciatingly honest. And I get very inarticulate when I'm being intimate. I just can't think to talk, and some guys just ask a lot of questions and want me to talk. I'm sure whatever I say comes out as virtual nonsense. I sure as hell can't remember what I said afterwards. So I'm thinking maybe I should practice some things to say, that I could whip out at need. (Hahaha, whip out, sorry, my mind's in the gutter)

But, like what??

  • Your cock is large and in-charge.
  • Your thrusting power is commendable.
  • You're the best I've ever had.


Ok, I give up. Not only can I not get my mind out of the gutter at this point, but all these are going to sounds incredibly fake, for obvious reasons.  >.<;;


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

This dating thing...

I'm still putting that planned topic on the back-burner due to recent developments...

I'm officially dating again, in that I've got a date for Wednesday (tomorrow). Hooray! We'll call this guy boy2 and we'll call the BPD guy boy1. For future clarification. We're not going to count the very first guy, cause really I just used him for sex...

So, now, unfortunately, I feel guilty about not telling boy2 about boy1.... like there's something implying that I'm not seeing anyone else at the same time. I mean I kind of expect this out of boy2, so why wouldn't he expect this out of me? Last night, as I lay awake with a panic attack about all this (I know, how useless was that?), the plan I came up with was to break up with boy1 today, completely cut-off, none of this dating shenanigans. In the clear light of day though, I think it'll be ok to wait and see if I like this guy more in person even before doing this.

Besides that boy1 was/is supposed to come trail riding on Saturday... Boy1 has been very quiet the last couple of days... I don't know what to think about that. Except my shrink agrees that boy1's shrink wouldn't have recommended the dating thing unless boy1 brought it up. So as much as I like boy1, it's probably just time to break it off with him completely anyway.

Hmm, maybe I should stick with my midnight resolution and end this thing today after all. Decisions, decisions. I've never broken up with anyone before... ever. If I do this today (or even in the next couple days), it's going to make for an interesting blog entry. So keep posted!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Clarification

I was going to write about something else today (I had the whole plan worked out and everything), but due to some conversations this weekend, I decided to do some clarification.

As embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm pretty sure everybody who's been cheated on has given that person a second chance. You tell yourself you love them and if they'd only choose you, you'd be able to forgive them.

I did this. I gave him a week to change his mind. He didn't. In retrospect, I'm glad. Because this is what would've happened if he had chosen me. I would have worked really hard to forgive him, but I never would have been able to trust him ever again. We would have gone to counseling and years down the road we would've gotten a divorce anyway. It would have been even more bitter and angry then it is now too.

So, if you did this. Don't feel guilty and stupid. (Or at least, keep telling yourself not to feel guilty and stupid.) It was your heart yearning for things to go back to before you knew anything. Just realize it wouldn't have worked anyway.

And if the looks of shock your friends give you, at hearing that you had low enough self-esteem at the time to do this, hurts... Just remember, none of them have gone through this, they don't know.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Traveling and On the Search again...

Writing from the airport on my cell-phone!

First, I just realized a couple minutes ago that besides for business it's been a rare experience for me to travel alone. Kinda bummed out about that. Commence the drinking! Thank you TGIFridays for providing the skinny margarita.

Second, the boy saw his psychiatrist today. Remember how I said the boy has Borderline Personality Disorder? Well, turns out he's not supposed to be in a relationship. So we agreed to date non-monogomously. This is something I've never done and I don't know how enthused I am about it.
I'm definitely not enthused about him seeing other girls. My jealousy flairs up when I think about it. But it might be a good experience if we set up some ground rules. Like no talking to each other about other dates. And of course, using condoms until or unless we want to try monogomy again... Duh. Not that I can picture us being monogomous again... It just seems unlikely that's how this will work out.

Some of my upset is because I worry that maybe I won't be able to find sex that was that good again. It was pretty amazing. In retrospect, how amazing it was might be because of the BPD... it was very intense. Will I only find that intensity in someone with BPD?

After doing a lot of googling about BPD, I've started wondering who else in my life might have had BPD. It's not all that uncommon, more common in females though. There's a certain boy from highschool I had 2 summer (2 different summers) flings with. They were very intense too. He seems a likely candidate in retrospect. ;)

Oh well, I'm gonna try this dating thing, but basically I'm on the hunt for love again. Or at least some really good sex. :D

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Ripple Effect

I was thinking this morning about the instances recently where I've noticed different behavior in couples that my ex and I were/are very close to.

It sounds egotistic even egocentric to say that I think my divorce... and everything about the story is affecting everyone around me. I'll admit, not everyone. However, I notice that good friends in relationships, who have never questioned that relationship, have been doing some really strange stuff recently.

I also think the fact that I'm noticing this is a sign of how much they are being affected. I'm really self-absorbed lately. :)

Examples? The biggest one I can think of, is a couple weeks ago. We had a girls night. This girl, we'll call her V. V has a husband of several years, and always seems happy and content in her relationship. On this girls night though, we all get really really drunk. V ends up making out with a random guy and going home with him! She swears she didn't sleep with him, she just passed out on his couch. I was really drunk and distracted at the time (making out with my own guy, thank you very much), otherwise I probably would have tried to rein her in, as a good friend, knowing she would regret what she was doing. But since I didn't notice....

Why do I connect this with me? Since the separation with my ex, I hadn't really talked to V before that evening, and I remember her seeming really affected by what I was saying, like things were sinking home with her. I think V felt the urge to test her boundaries and feelings about her own relationship after hearing about mine.  I also don't malign all men as evil or anything when I tell my story, so it's not like I said anything like "You guys should get out of your relationships cause all men suck."  Opposite in fact, I look forward to the day I fall in love again and find a guy that I want to try all over again with. So I don't feel guilty about this... it's not my fault she has doubts, (I do feel a little guilty about not noticing she was leaving with a random guy... there's a reason guys do the split and conquer with girl groups. We stick together and take care of each other when we're out... except if we get distracted.) it's just a very blatant example of something I've been noticing with couples I'm close to.

I'm also the first out of any of my friends to get a divorce. I don't know anyone else who is/has in my group of friends. I know one girl at work, we've become really good friends lately, btw. I think it's like a shock to the group dynamic. Everyone feels rocked by it to some degree and some are actually changing behaviors or doing stupid stuff like above.

I should probably conclude the story by telling you that V and her husband are doing ok. They had a huge fight where she was kicked out of the house for a while. I believe she's also not allowed to drink without him for a while too. Despite her indiscretion, they seem to have worked it out to their satisfaction. Good for them.

On the selfish side of things, it makes me wonder what the next unsettling thing to happen will be. Stuff like this seriously disturbs my peace of mind. (Didn't want you to think I wasn't self-absorbed and egocentric after all that.)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Just another Update

About large, life-shattering events...  :)

Yesterday, I signed the divorce papers with my ex. Woot! There are several reasons to be excited here.

  1. When I saw the ex for the first time in months, all I really felt was disgust, and a little irritation that he hadn't completed the paperwork like I had wanted him to. (He finished the basic stuff, but he didn't write up our monetary agreement, so I had to do that for him. *sigh* I swear, I shouldn't have to baby any male who is not having sex with me.)
  2. I am on the way to being completely separate from him. Not just by continents, but by paperwork, and a certificate. And soon thereafter, no house.
  3. Boys who I date will be less nervous about dating me if I have the paperwork signed. Yay!



I didn't have to break up with the boy because he didn't cancel on me!! I feel like dancing with this one. Or jumping. Up and Down.... I'll stop elaborating now.


Second session of therapy went really well. I felt like I was vindicated in a lot of my goals and beliefs. I also didn't cry this time (yay, I hate crying!). It went so well, she asked if I wanted to do sessions every week or every-other week. I told her let's stick with every week for now. Because while Monday was a good day, the weekend kind of sucked, and a lot of what got me through it was knowing I was going to be able to talk to her on Monday.  I also feel like, if I'm not so utterly depressed or panicked, I tend to gloss over things. I'm just used to not wanting other people to worry. In fact, I hate it when other people worry, or pity me. Or even worse, if I do tell them, they think I'm exaggerating.


Speaking of, I went out with a large group of friends last night, before the boy came out. I mentioned, just a short while before the boy came out that he was coming out, and they all started teasing me. I know they were teasing and didn't mean anything by any of it, but somehow it kicked off a panic attack. And when I realized I was having a panic attack... in public, it got worse, a lot worse. Before I knew it, I was hyperventilating, and asking for another car bomb, asap.




***Big Medical Breakthrough!!!! Irish Car Bombs are the cure to panic attacks. I immediately felt better.*** It's just too bad I can't have Irish Car Bombs at work, because besides the eventual consequences of kidney problems and possible alcoholism, my problems would be solved.



Back on topic, only one person really noticed that I was upset. Today, I tried to kind of apologize and explain that a panic attack isn't really just from one thing. I kind of got a side-ways look and I just stopped talking.

True, I can control mine better than a lot of people. Just because I don't have hysterics or pass out when I have one, doesn't mean I'm not having one. Part of that is worrying about how stupid I might look. I'm happy to realize they didn't really notice, but I think it sucks that they might think I was exaggerating. That's what I get for thinking an explanation/apology might be pertinent.

That's my update for today. Other than feeling like I've been having a panic attack all afternoon (ugh, I haven't had one of these for days...), things are going well. I'll be going back to college for our homecoming this weekend. I'm sure I will have stories and pictures from that!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Self-Righteousness

I've got a healthy dose of this today. Perhaps spurred on by a nice therapy session last night, perhaps spurred on by this Reddit thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l0jr9/why_do_we_keep_supporting_the_idea_that_we_should/

I have very little tolerance for people that don't try to help themselves. I am fine with you if you're fine with yourself. But don't complain and b*tch to me about the stuff you hate about yourself and do nothing about it.

***Side note, if you are doing something about it, whatever that problem with yourself may be, you are exempt from this. You can complain to me all you want. Because I will bet money that the end of the conversation goes something like this: "But at least I'm doing something about it, I look forward to the day when I don't have this issue anymore!"

Don't worry, I like to b*tch and complain with the best of them, but if I can do something to change it, I will.

This is part of the reason my mother and I don't get along. She wants to complain to me for hours, but at the end of the day, she doesn't want to take any advice and do something to change her situation, she just wants to complain and stay unhappy. I'm pretty sure she thinks this gives her purpose in life.

So what do I recommend?

  • If you're fat and unhappy about it. Go on a diet and start exercising. It might not work (at first), but at least you'll know that you're trying to better yourself and you can go to a doctor with your results and see if there's a reason it doesn't work and what you can do about it.
  • If you're ugly and unhappy about it (I'd like to interject here and say that there are very few people in this world who are truly unfortunate looking), try on some new clothes, some new make-up, pay for an expensive haircut (this really makes a difference, trust me). Last resort: if you're still unhappy with yourself, get the plastic surgery. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks, if it makes you a happier person, do it!
  • If you're unhappy at work, either talk to your boss, or HR to try to do something to change the situation, or start looking into a change in jobs. Due to the economy, you might not get to change jobs, but at least you'll know you're trying to do something to change you're situation. Don't be Michael Bolton from Office Space.
  • If you're single and unhappy about it, get on dating websites or go out to bars. I don't care what your preference is for dating, but don't stay home and expect me to be sympathetic when you tell me how no one wants to date you. No one is meeting you!
  • If you're poor, get another job or get some education. There are a million loans and scholarships that you don't have to pay back until you've graduated. (I have a theory that if you stay in school forever, you never have to pay them.)
  • If you're lonely, get a pet and then go out and meet people!
  • If you're sad, make a plan. You might be sad now, but how are you going to fix it? From recent experiences, I recommend: Seeing a therapist of some sort, changing your environment (moving if you have to), going out a lot, dressing up and flirting, dating (maybe not seriously), good sex if you can get it.
  • If you're anxious (current situation for me at least), see a therapist, try to cut out from your life whatever is making you anxious, breathe (that one's important), exercise (this helps get out some of that nervous tension), distraction (books, movies, TV, Reddit).  ***Second side note for the day: I just discovered that it's possible to have a happy panic attack. Really just breathing might be the answer here... or typing on your blog if you have one. ;)
Through all this, you can realize that you're little bad habits and flaws are not that big of a deal. I have been trying to quit biting my nails for years. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I'm always trying new things to help myself along (most recently, taking Hair, Skin and Nail vitamin supplements!). Be pro-active, not a drain on society.

And yeah, sure, I make everything sound easy. It's not, it's damn hard. But everyone will have more respect for you trying, and guess what? You'll have more respect for yourself too.


Monday, October 3, 2011

Paranoid or not too Paranoid...

...that is the question.

So first an update about my dating life. Boy canceled on me Thursday night with a fairly good reason. He rescheduled for Friday night and then canceled that one too.... this time for a not so good reason. We saw each other on Saturday (though due to rain and overall crappiness, we didn't go to the apple festival and he didn't meet my friends) and I didn't really express my displeasure until he waited till 6:30 pm to tell me he had plans with his brother at 8pm....

So then I expressed my displeasure in being bailed on. I also told myself that if he cancels on Tuesday (next time I'm supposed to see him), then I'll be breaking up with him. I like him, but I can't handle the rejection.

Am I being Paranoid? Probably. Unreasonable? I don't think so... but we'll see what the Doc has to say about it this afternoon. After all, I can't say I'm the most comfortable person to date right now. I can't seem to make myself make it any easier (I know that sometimes, for example, I tell him things purposefully to see if it'll scare him off. I don't like doing it. In fact, I absolutely hate it. But I also can't seem to help but do it. Part of it is that I don't want to lie by omission.... I would hate it if he thought I was purposefully not telling him about things.)


Other Updates:

My Ex is currently in town. I will be seeing him to sign the divorce papers tomorrow morning! Yay! And scary at the same time... I still just don't want to see him. I'm having Panic Attacks and Nightmares about this one. The nightmares are currently about him deciding to bring lawyers last minute, or refusing to put what I want on the papers, which would mean I wouldn't sign which would mean prolonged BS where I have to get lawyers, etc. This is highly unlikely, as I have much more to gain from calling in lawyers then he does... but still.

Current Evaluation about Panic Attacks: Seem to be when I feel overwhelmed or unstable. Like the whole world is changing and I don't know where to stand in it. Thinking about rejection (the possibility of the boy cancelling on Tuesday) will typically set one off. Though I get calmer if I think about the after effects.

That's it for today. Tomorrow I'll let you know how my second session of therapy went and how signing the divorce papers went! Wednesday I'll let you know how getting trashed on a Tuesday Night went and if I had to break up with the boy or not! It looks to be an exciting reading week for you dear readers. :)