Saturday, December 31, 2011

Words of Wisdom

"An open vagina is a happy vagina." - BFF

Thank you BFF... I have no idea what that means, but I feel inspired. ;)

Friday, December 30, 2011

Fuuuuuuuck

How did I fall in love? When did this happen?

I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?

Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.

I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.

What do I do?

How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?

Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:

Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?

Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.

I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.

Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.

Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.

Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.

So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.

This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.

Living inside my head...

What if boy2 says he loves me, do I love him? Actions speak louder then words, does he even like me that much?

Am I excited or not about meeting this other boy tonight?

My god, why do I keep forgetting to block that guy on OKCupid? He just messaged me again while I'm sitting here typing this. As soon as I get to a computer...

How can I be so hungry after eating what was clearly a 3000 calorie dinner last night? I was up half the night sick and now I just want some cereal?

Why does the bus smell funny in the morning? Like it just got painted... I'm sure the fumes, whatever they are, are unhealthy. I'm only on here for 20 minutes, what about the poor bus driver?

I really want to bring up the fact that I have a date on Friday night to boy2... To make him jealous? maybe. Maybe just to point out that he should work a little harder if he wants all my attention. But if I bring it up, I'm implying that I want more commitment. Do I? Part of me says yes. Another part gets really scared thinking about it.

I've never gone more than a few weeks into dating a guy before the guy says he loves me (seriously). It's now been 2.5 months of dating boy2. I also have never been able to restrain myself from saying it back, even when it's a lie. I don't want to lie to boy2, I don't know what I feel. And the constant evaluation is exhausting. I'm really physically tired from it, and I can't seem to stop.

I am so happy for a 3 day weekend. I'm tired of training people, I just want some alone time. Solitary, not surrounded by 20 people asking me questions.

Too late. The bus has arrived. I am here.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Just a note...

Merry Christmas!!

I will be sleeping in and watching a marathon of movies with the BFF. To all of you stuck with their family or worse yet, their in-laws... I'm sorry. You can dream of me in my PJs, lounging around all day and be jealous. 

Or grateful, however you want to look at it. ;)

Friday, December 23, 2011

Let the countdown begin....

I probably could have started the countdown much sooner, but it just occurred to me recently how close it was getting.



Play free web games.


I put a question mark because I don't know when the divorce will actually be final. But that's when I plan on turning in the paperwork!

I had a nightmare last night (among others that I don't remember...), that I forgot to turn in the paperwork on January 5th and they wouldn't let me on January 6th! Which is ridiculous because you just have to turn in the paperwork after 90 days, not on 90 days....

So after I turn in the paperwork, it will just be a week or two before I get confirmation, and I think a certificate in the mail, of all my divorced official-ness!

Will boy2 ask me to be his girlfriend after I'm officially divorced? Do I want him to? At least part of me does.... The other part is saying no way  José ! At least not if he wants things to continue as is. If he wants me to see him exclusively, I would want to see him more than once or twice a week.... If he doesn't want to see me more then he shouldn't ask me to be exclusive.

On another note, looks like I'll be seeing bar guy sometime after Christmas... as well as another guy I met on OKCupid. Awesome. :)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Holiday Gift Giving

Since it's right before Christmas, I was thinking about Christmas Cards and all the gift giving going on.

#1. I always forget about Christmas cards and end up sending them in response to the ones I get. And that's on years when I can find my address book. I feel somewhat bad about this, but not really. Don't get me wrong, I like getting Christmas cards, but since the advent of Facebook, I really feel they are impersonal and unnecessary, except maybe if you're receiving them from your Grandma or someone else that isn't on Facebook. Why do I say this? Because all I get in, most, of my Christmas cards is a signature of the person who sent it. No note or anything. So basically, I just got a pretty picture in the mail that cost them $0.42(?) to send me. They probably could have just said "Merry Christmas!" on Facebook, and probably still will, and given it the same amount of thought. Ok, I appreciate that it's a tradition... but still. No one, ok hardly anyone, still roasts Chestnuts on an open fire... why? because it's hard and practically useless, but we all know it used to be a tradition, so why don't we do that too?? Or eat Figgy Pudding? or ride in a One Horse Open Sleigh? If it's not going to mean something, it's probably not worth the postage, that's all I'm saying.

That and I'd be happy to get out of this particular tradition and not get guilted into response cards every year.

There are exceptions to this. For example, one person took the time to address the card to a goofy nickname that made me lol thinking about the postman reading it. Totally worth the postage.


#2. Who am I obligated to exchange gifts with? I feel kind of out of the loop on this. I decided not to send my former-in-law nieces gifts this year because they're not longer my nieces technically. But I feel like I'm regretting this decision already. Should I have sent my mother and brother gifts even though I haven't talked to them in 6+ months? I feel kind of weird exchanging gifts with boy2, but he brought it up and I'm glad there's no ambiguity about it at least... I would have felt terrible if he had gotten me something and I didn't get him anything.

I'm definitely not exchanging with boy1 or any other boy I've talked to or dated recently. Thank goodness for that, the holidays are running me broke!

Is there a book on this stuff? I feel very socially awkward around the holidays....

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sick and Miserable

That's what I am. :(

Nothing good to write about today. Just feel sick.

Maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

A post not about boys

Even though most of the time, boys are the #1 topic in my brain recently, there is other stuff jangling around in there.

You may have noticed I changed my background to stars (Or not because you're reading this long after I've changed my mind again and with it the background.)

I've been dreaming of stars recently. I've been reading Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries by Neil deGrasse Tyson.

If you don't know who that is, you can read about him on Wikipedia. Or you can do it the fun way and watch some of his interviews.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Neil deGrasse Tyson
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

Or visit the Nova Science Now homepage to find out more. (If you click on Watch Video from the top toolbar, you can watch full episodes of the TV series that has really made Neil deGrasse Tyson popular)

One of my favorite quotes from the book (thus far, I'm only like a third of the way through it.):
"Once again, we resurrect the idea that life might be everywhere, just as our ancestors had imagined. But today, we do so without risk of being immolated, and with the newfound knowledge that life is hardy and that the habitable zone may be as large as the universe itself."

That'll make you dream of exploring the stars...

A goodbye (I hope) letter to boy1

I think I was in love with you, at least for a little bit. A combination of great sex and mutual heart-ache.

I hope last night was the last night I will be seeing you for a while. I still care for you, but more as a friend, less as a lover. You seem younger to me now. As I get over my heart-ache, slowly but surely, and you're still stuck in yours.

My heart will always hold a special place for you. The boy with who I found mutual comfort with, funny, charming, interesting, crazy, and not ready to move on.

Maybe in a couple months when this relationship with boy2 ends (as it surely must) with renewed heart-ache we can get together again. But in the meantime, I left your stuff at your place this morning and took mine with me.

Goodbye (at least for a little while),
Kim

PS. That was dramatic and sappy enough to be in Twilight!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

The pitfalls of sites like OKCupid

This week has been hectic and exhausting and I wanted to write about something other then dating, but I just can't yet because I haven't had the time to write!

So, first things first. The #3 Date, with the guy there was no spark with and I didn't know if I had to/should do anything about it... a friend advised that I didn't have to really say anything as long as we both let it go. He sent me a message apologizing for a crappy 1st date (really? it wasn't his fault... how much of a push-over can you be?) and asking for a second chance. Nope. Don't wanna go on a second date, don't have to. But.... if I don't respond with anything now, that's a total b*tch move right? The girl that went on one date with him and never talked to him again?

Ok, just got to suck it up buttercup and reply saying "No thank you, you're very nice, but you're not for me." (Eugh! That sucks!! Any eloquent words that will not sound so crappy? No? Thanks for trying.)

Secondly. There was this guy on OkCupid, I thought he was decent looking, and we seemed really compatible, unfortunately he was leaving for vacation, so we agreed to meet after Christmas. I didn't get onto OkCupid for a couple days because I've been crazy busy. I have like 20 messages from this guy.... None of them creepy, ok one of them creepy, asking what he "did wrong?", but the rest fairly decent, except I haven't replied so it's like he's talking to himself... I am getting a super creepy vibe from this and I feel bad because it's possible he's just really interested.

Oh, also, apparently he found my facebook. My facebook is really hard to find as my name is so generic, so I find this creepy too. He hasn't asked to friend me, he's just found me and apparently some of my pics are viewable? (I really didn't think this was the case, maybe he's got me mixed up with some other girl, I'm pretty sure I don't have any bikini pics up anyway.) Ok, I was on the fence about this, but the more I talk about it, the more creeped out I am, so yeah, I'm going to block him. I shouldn't feel guilty about this right??

Ok, gtg. Yay for Christmas parties!! (There's so many of them this time of year!)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Date 2- finally?

So, I didn't get to update you on Date 2 yet. That's because I've been so exhausted.

So I went to the shrink on Monday. She ordered an extra session because I was so upset the previous week. But I was feeling pretty good this week. We talked about some of my mother issues. A lot of stuff stems from her, but I'm guessing even the most dense of my readers could have figured that out. I think I've mentioned that I haven't really talked to her for almost a year now. However, I also feel the need to point out the irony of a shrink wanting to talk about my mother issues. It's almost as bad as the couch right? :D
So anyways, I had my 2nd date after my shrinking. We met up at the bar where we had met the first time. We had a great time, conversation was flowing. He's still cute. He's still dorky. I got extra drunk. (omg, it's totally not fair that 4 beers gets me trashed.) Though I'm pretty sure he didn't notice. I've been told I maintain well.

We made out by my car for a little while. He told me full disclosure that he had just gotten out of a long relationship (5 years). I told him I understood and I wasn't looking for anything serious, and I meant it. I like making out with him, probably more when I'm drunk then when I'm sober. And I like talking and hanging out with him, but I don't want really anything more from him. He's leaving town for Christmas this weekend, he said he'd call when he got back. I said cool.

Once again, I'm ok if he never calls again. I had fun. If I see him again though, I might have to start calling him boy3. ;)

Then I drove home drunk (I know, I'm not proud of this. Even if it is literally a 2 minute drive, I should've walked home and gotten my car the next day. >.<)  It was cold out and he didn't notice I was drunk enough to protest. So, parallel parking was really hard when I got home, but I succeeded and proceeded to call Boy2, who was sweet as normal and making fun of me for going out on a Monday night and getting drunk off 4 beers. Not just drunk, plowed.

It was almost midnight at this point, when I crawled into my bed and passed out after drinking a bottle of water. Only a little bit of a hangover the next day. But I'm exhausted. It's Thursday (it took me a long time to write this) and I am still tired from Monday night.

My life is exhausting recently.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Weekend of Dates: Dates 2 & 3

Date 2: Didn't happen yet! lol. The guy from the bar cancelled saying he had to work last minute and asking if we could meet up at D's again on Monday. I said sure. I'm cool with this, I'd rather it be more casual anyway. :P

Date 3: I just got back from it. The guy was really nice, there was just no spark at all. I could tell he was one of those guys who would bend over backwards and do anything I want. Which I, unfortunately, find very unattractive. I like some backbone in a guy.

Plus, I kept thinking about boy2. How much more fun I'd be having if I was on a date with him. Wondering how he was doing (since he was planning on drinking heavily last night with an old buddy and not planning on calling me until later today). Thinking about how much more I liked boy2 then this new guy.

Yep, not seeing new guy again.

I'm a little worried that I might be leaning more towards the big L word with boy2.... and I really don't think I'm ready for that. So are you ready for some awesome denial? Cause here it comes.

Reasons I can't be the big L word with boy2:
  • I'm still not a huge fan of sex with him! (The shrink promises this is trainable, but I have serious doubts) It's not that I'm not sexually attracted to him. I get all tingly when we kiss. But sex with him is boring and unimaginative. I get off, but it's the same way every-time. Also, I don't feel like he enjoys sex with me all that much. :(
  • He has an epic temper. It's never been directed at me, but I saw it in action a week ago, and it's something.
  • He makes me feel nerdy. Ok, this one's hard to describe. It's really that sometimes he makes me feel self-conscious about being nerdy. I don't know if this is really him though or I'm projecting. Apparently I do this a lot. If I don't know exactly how a person will respond, I assume a bad trait from my ex. >.<;; Can't help it. I can't even tell when I'm doing it most the time.
  • I still text with boy1. Though it's become less and less and I haven't slept with him for a couple weeks now. I still think boy1 is the best sex I've ever had and sometimes think about having sex with him. But there's usually a reason not to. I'm tired or there's something else to do, or I just don't want to. Sometimes I think about boy2 and just don't want to.
  • Boy2 is adamantly against cruises. I love cruises!!! (He thinks he would be seasick.) Though I thought he was against traveling with me, but the other night he said he would go to the Great Barrier Reef with me when I wistfully stated I really wanted to go there. He's still really against cruises though. I wonder if I could coax him onto a 3 day cruise with me to prove that you can't feel the boat move...
  • I worry that boy2 will not get along well with my friends. I have a wide variety of friends and they are my family. I won't tolerate someone being an asshole to any of them.
  • He's a lot better at hinting and taking hints than I am. This isn't really a detriment except that I feel he might be getting totally different signals from me then I think I'm giving because I miss his hints. I am not good at picking up hints. Please just tell me what you want!
Definitely not the big L word. Definitely.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Weekend of dates: Date 1

You know, I just really really like boy2 when I'm with him. I had a great time last night. We went to Outback Steakhouse (I had a gift-card from this professional society Christmas gift thing, free dinner, woot!), then we went and got a couple beers at some local bars.

Pretty standard date. But great conversation with a little kissing. A lot of kissing at the end of the night.

It doesn't stop the fact that I want to see other people. And if I want to see other people... he can't be the one.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Quick! Before the weekend starts!

Get in a blog post!

So the guy from Monday night at the bar called. I have a date with him tomorrow. Crazy! Doing what I have no idea. He's calling after he gets off work at 1pm. :)

Tonight, I have a date with boy2. We're going to Outback Steakhouse.

Sunday, I have a date with a guy I met on OKCupid. We're going to lunch for Japanese/Chinese, something.

I've been talking with another guy on OKCupid who I will be meeting after Christmas (he goes on vacation on Monday and won't be back till Christmas).

I'm still occasionally texting/seeing boy1.

In case you can't count, that's 5 boys. At the same time.

I just... my brain feels stopped. This is a lot of juggling I'm taking on. I feel like things are going to get complicated quickly. I should probably start narrowing down the field a little, right? Meh, I'll just go with the shrink's advice and let things flow. Try not to worry about it.

Deep Breath. In and Out.

*doing a little jig* I'm a playa!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Update 12-7-11

Wooo. A lot has happened in the last couple of days. When I wrote the "Random" post I was drunk. 3 beers and a make-out session later. Prompted by a devastating visit to the shrink. I say devastating just because that's how I feel emotionally when she gets done with me. Better, more stable, more able to take on the world, but devastated. It's probably because she can always make me cry when I need to. If you remember a couple posts back I was having problems with that. Well, I got that out of the way as of Monday!

But yeah, so after the cry fest, and deciding that I needed to see her again next week as opposed to waiting 2 weeks, I needed a beer and some dinner. I got both sitting next to a cute guy. We started talking and hit it off. A little. Ok, I kinda just wanted to see what it was like to pick a guy up at the bar. ;) He hasn't called and I'm cool with that. But it really did remind me that I wanted to date.

I had a revelation the other day. I realized that I can trust a guy to love me, but it's going to be a lot of work to believe that he will continue to love me. Yeah.... that sucks. That I'll always be wondering when a guy will want to leave me. Will I ever feel secure enough to get married again? I'd like to think so. Hopefully, this is just for now....

So, even though boy2 and I are good again, seemingly. I got onto OkCupid for the fun of it. Wow, the response was overwhelming. I like being told how pretty I am and awesome and all that stuff, but it means there's a lot to wade through as far as choice right now. Seriously, am I complaining that I have my choice of boys to date? Yes I am, it's a lot of reading! Besides, I like reading the personality question things and that takes a looong time.

Do I plan on dating another person? I think so. Boy2 hasn't asked for any kind of commitment. What will I do when that first conflict happens? Will I tell boy2 that I've got a date? I think I would have to... I don't want to lie to him (*cough* any more then I have via omission). Yeah, I feel really weird about it, but the shrink keeps telling me it's his own fault for not asking me to commit.

So now it's Wednesday, I don't have plans for tonight. Tomorrow is boy2's b-day, I might or might not have plans with him. If I don't, I have a Christmas Party to go to. :) So what am I going to do tonight? Maybe I'll get to watch Serenity like I've been meaning to. (Nope never seen it! Can't wait!)

Monday, December 5, 2011

Random

I just made out (nothing more, yay Kim for self restraint!) with a guy I met at a bar. Dammit, my go-to bar after shrinking too. He seems cool. My age. A little short. Damn. I really wish he were taller. :P I gave him my #... why did I do that??

*facepalm* More updates tomorrow or whenever he contacts me. If he does. I'm ok with not.

Another Update: after much spillage to the shrink and a little apologizing from boy2, I am still seeing boy2. More updates later about that too!

I am not excited about how complicated my life is right now.

Btw, good post Eates! I can't say I hope you keep it up b/c that would mean you were still going through a lot of angst and hurt, but yeah, hope you feel better soon!

My Final Letter to *you*


This is my final conclusion... this is what I have determined... I’m not crazy, I really am not. You see, my job was to find control failures, determine the cause, then provide solutions. That’s what I do, that’s how I work. So I can’t let go, I can’t let go until I provide my ‘report.’  With the lack of closure you’ve given me, I’ve had to do it on my own... This is what I have determined.. This is a way for me to, hopefully, move on from you.

I’m still calling bull shit on the fact that I sarcastic and non-seriousness and you couldn’t handle that. I am very light hearted most of the time, true, but not always. What I believe is really the problem, the fact you’ve never been with and strong and independent woman before.  This may come off mean or rude, but I honestly believe that I made you analyze yourself because I was the first one to stand up to you. I might have intimidated you. You might not have realized that is what is happening, but I don’t think you are as confident as you perceive yourself to be.  Instead of having a conversation about it and working with me, you walked away. Which still baffles my mind.  I also believe that being in a relationship with me might make you nervous.  Look at the people you surround yourself with. They need something from you. You fulfill a need for them and you know your place in their life.  Look at where you were in my life, you weren’t needed, you were wanted. You. Were. Wanted.   Wouldn’t you rather be wanted than needed? Isn’t that what you told me?  But back to the original point of your insecurities, I believe that was the root of our issues. I know I’m secure in myself, which when you would make comments, they wouldn’t bother me.  However, I can see now, how they affected you. I wish I wouldn’t have believed you were so secure with yourself. When talking with a friend the other day about this issue, I explained to her that if I had a problem with one of your qualities that I would have a. discussed it with you b. not even brought it up.  I thought I had explained that to you. But you obviously didn’t believe me. She agreed, she agreed that it is exactly how I am, because I’m not one to try to make people uncomfortable.  I think you were ridiculous.

Maybe what hurts me the most in this whole situation is knowing that you don’t even miss me. That you don’t even care.  When you’ve obviously meant something to me.  

There is a part of me that is sad for you. It’s sad because you don’t even realize what you are missing out because you never gave it a chance.  You judged me before you got to know me. What also hurts a bit is that you were the one who always said you hated when people brought past relationships into the present. Is that not what you did? Didn’t you Judge me? Didn’t you assume that I was the same as the others? I expected more from you. I did. I just hope that you can look at what happened between us and learn from it. If you don’t realize your faults, you’ll never find what you are looking for.  You will never find your happiness. That is sad to me.

What I’ve learned from this. I learned that I’m a woman that is going to take a strong and confident man to love me. I learned that I can love again and that I do want to marry someone again.  I learned that every time I date a guy, I keep choosing a guy closer and closer to who I want to be with. I learned that I am a woman worth being with, even if you don’t agree. I learned that I cannot wait to meet the guy for me, because I know the best days of my life have not even happened yet.   

BTW - Can I have my lady bug back that I left in your truck?

Thanks,
A damn good woman


P.S. My favorite quote:
It’s not okay that you hurt me, but I am okay. I deserve more, and I know that now. And maybe you knew that inside, that you couldn’t give me that yet. So you set me free. We would’ve been so great, you would never have wished for more than I would’ve given you. But you never gave it a chance. So now you’ll never know what could’ve been. Maybe someday you’ll regret it, maybe someday you’ll think it was the best decision you ever made, but maybe someday you’ll see me walking, smiling and happy, alongside someone who’s also smiling and happy because he has my heart. Maybe then you’ll stop and realize what you’re missing, because someday, someone is going to thank you for letting me go…

TwoXChromosomes

Seriously, how have I never known about this subreddit? It is all my feminist wants and needs in one happy place!

Gogogo!

Just sad...

I don't get why, if I wanted to break up with him, I'm so sad he hasn't called today? Dating is confusing. On one hand, I'll be happy to get back on Match.com and give it a look/see. On the other hand, I had a lot of good times with boy2, I'm sad that one fight seems to have killed his motivation to see me. Guess he wasn't that interested in the first place.

So, back to dating. Part of me thinks maybe I should take a break till after Christmas? I can get just sex if I want it, I'm not worried about that. :P But I like the things other than sex too. Plus, despite recent progress, I still feel really needy on the emotional end of things. It's just nice to have a guy pursue you.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Sticking to my guns...

(11:21pm Sunday)
I think I got two metaphors mixed up there... Still.

I am angry. I will not give in and text or call him. I want an apology. He was a dick to me.

He was half asleep... Might not even remember being a dick, or why I'm pissed at him.

Still, he knows I'm pissed at him. Why do guys always think it's a good idea to leave a girl alone when she's pissed? Maybe for a little while, after that I want to be pursued, apologized to and hugged. Hell, it probably wouldn't have gotten to the pissed stage if I had received a hug and a sorry almost immediately...

Maybe I could just text him "hey..." let him know I'm open to a coversation if he'd like to start apologizing.
But if I do that I lose all my power right?

Why am I even worried about it? I said I wanted to break up with him. This fight is as good of an opportunity as any. Is it just because I hate conflict this much? Maybe it's just that I want to make it clear why I'm pissed. Maybe I actually like him more then I've been willing to admit.

Dammit no, the sex still isn't that good. I want to date other guys, but I like having him around too. That's not fair.

I want him to want to contact me. So I can tell him he's a dick and he can apologize and then what? Grrr...
What if he didn't apologize? That would be bullsh*t and I wouldn't stand for it right? right?

I thought he would've called by now... (pitiful)

Update(2:41pm the Monday): I have to admit I broke down and texted him. Still I feel like my text was borderline. "Hey... you can call me if you want."

He did call about 20 minutes later. It wasn't the best conversation. With him telling me he wasn't going to change and me telling him I didn't care if he changed, but it didn't mean he could treat me like crap either... Yeah... He said he'd text me in the morning. No text. So if I don't hear from him today can I assume we're not dating anymore? Or do I have to actually say the words?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I don't know...

I don't know what to do with "our" stuff if it's not generic. For example, the Christmas ornaments we were collecting together where we wrote what we were doing and why we got it.

Do I throw them away? Keep them tucked away somewhere? I know what everyone says. Do what you feel like doing. I don't know what I feel like doing though. Part of me wants to trash them. Part of me thinks I might regret trashing what are essentially reminders of happy times. Like when we cruised with friends, it wasn't just the ex and I on that cruise...

I'm exhausted. Today was unexpectedly emotional. I feel all torn up inside and my stomach is still way upset. I'm supposed to do a late dinner with boy2, and I'm not even remotely close to hungry.

I didn't expect to be too overly upset at Christmas time. It was always more my thing anyways.

New stipulation in what I want in a boy- I want him to want to participate in Christmas. You know, putting up Christmas Lights, picking out a tree, music and gift exchanging. Just like other adventures, I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him along.

Btw, I should be upset or irritated that boy2's dinner date night has been delayed so much shouldn't I? I'm really not though... Thinking about taking a nap. If I see him tonight great. If not, I'm ok with that too. I should probably break up with him since I'm so cool with this.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Exercise

I might have mentioned in the past that I started working out as a way to reduce my anxiety. I don't want to make this an exercise/progress blog, but today I feel like I should talk about it.

I joined the YMCA downstairs so I can workout at lunch time. I started going 2-3 days a week. Mainly for the Wednesday Yoga and soon upped it to 3-4 days a week. I'm now at a steady 5 days a week unless a meeting prevents me from going.

I started out on the elliptical, just upping the resistance and making my heart pound and my limbs hurt. For a little while that extra tension in my chest from all the anxiety was overwhelmed by exercise.

Now though, I'm just addicted to the feeling I get from exercising. Mainly pride in myself for completing something I've never done before. (Because each time is more than I've ever done before.) I don't do the elliptical anymore. On Mondays and Tuesdays I do Spinning (or Studio Cycling, however you want to call it), on Wednesdays and Fridays I do Yoga, and on Thursdays I do something called Bosu Blast.

I haven't lost any weight since that first month when I still wasn't eating very much. But I've gone down 2 jean sizes. :)

Now I'm having issues like not being hydrated enough, and having to eat bananas  (I don't like bananas, they make the back of my throat itch) because I keep getting massive muscle cramps.

Why did I want to talk about this? Not only because it's the hot topic on my brain at the moment (I keep getting reminded by my muscles how much I've been working out), but because if someone were to ask me what the healthiest and/or best thing that has come out of my divorce thus far, I would have to say this habit of working out. Definitely. And if anyone were to ask my advice, if they were in a similar situation and wanted my advice that is, I would tell them that working out is something that will help, they should do it.

Not only the weight loss, but the muscle strength that I'm building makes me feel more confident. More like me. I never knew that exercise would make me happy. In fact, in the past, I've been known to say I would never work out that I hated it and I especially hated running. (I still do hate running actually. Where are you running to? No where! Make fun of my cycling will ya?... :P)

And Yoga brings a peace to my mind that I can experience in no other way right now (except maybe sex).

So, today, every single muscle hurts... but in the future I will be stronger, more flexible, and toned. And I'm so ridiculously proud that I can touch my toes!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

A Happy Post

I'm determined to write one, since I always write when I'm introspective or sad.

Today, I got plenty of sleep. Last night, I finally put all those CD's I bought a month ago onto my iPod and made a Snowboarding playlist, in anticipation of awesomeness.I just realized that awesomeness is a real word and not something I made up, because spell-checker works on it. I made a lot of progress on work yesterday. Today is the AWMI Holiday Party/Happy Hour, in which they're paying for cocktails! (I love it when I don't have to pay for alcohol.)

Ok, I just googled AWMI to make sure if you were interested you could easily find out what that acronym meant. And the first thing that came up was Andrew Wommack Ministries. Let me assure you that I am talking about the second one down Association of Women in Metal Industries.

Note: If I use an acronym and don't explain it, it's because I've Googled it to make sure it's easily find-able for interested parties. That way the rest of you can ignore it if you want. BTW, Googled is apparently not a word. I'm going to continue to use it though, because if I say "searched" you'll be under the impression you can use Yahoo or Ask.com or any old search engine and it will be fine. It won't. Use Google always folks. Your search results depend on it.

It's Thursday, so close to the weekend. Tomorrow, there's a Happy Hour with good friends at the Rivertowne Pourhouse. (That place is awesome!!! Great Beer, good food. Very cozy.) Saturday, BFF, her not-bf, and I are going Christmas Tree hunting. Saturday evening, boy2 is apparently making me dinner. Sunday, BFF and I are making Christmas crafts! (Ooooo, I love being crafty!)

So, in general, I am happy today. Not very productive thus far, but happy.

Like I said, there are good and bad days. The emotional scale has been up and down. Which is why I sometimes (ok a lot) feel crazy. I'm not used to all these ups and downs. Still, the shrink promises I'm not crazy for reals.