Sunday, April 22, 2012

Eval Time

So today was a little evaluation of self day...

First thing to realize is that I am a bum. I somehow manage to know what I should do, but don't get up and do it lately. A small for instance is the majority of today. I slept in til 9 and when I finally did get up I put on workout clothes and promptly laid down on the couch for the next 6 hours only getting up for food and a blanket while watching Encino Man, Yes Man, and Old School. I knew I needed to workout and mow the yard and do laundry today, but I have reverted back to not being adult enough to do things I need to do or something. I ended up mowing 2/3rds of the yard before running out of gas and only because I knew I'd hear the question "What did you do today?" This is so not good on so many levels and extends into my work as well, if I'm honest.

Another thing that I'm not happy with is my high school girl way of valuing myself lately based on others. I wasn't even like this in high school, maybe junior high. I have become obsessed with whether I am wanted. Wanted by idiot men, but also almost anyone around me too. I have become concerned with whether someone likes me and when is the other shoes gonna drop. Guys, yes, obviously, but also co-workers, my boss, girls at class, and even oldest friends. I realize this insecurity isn't good, but I also don't know how to connect/make it go away. Then I miss the feeling of security I would have with M, which makes me mad because logically I want to point out that I wasn't this neurotic before. Frustrated with self.

I need to figure out what I want. I want a relationship, but I don't feel like I can put any decent amount of effort into one right now. I just don't care enough. I want the satisfaction and security and friendship that comes with most relationships, I just want it right now. I don't want to wait and work to that. I am tired of it all right now. Like haven't I paid my dues yet? I need to lay off pursuing anything until I can figure this out. I am not so good at choosing soundly lately.

I guess basically I need to work on me and how things around me impact me and stop ignoring them with the focus on odd physical relations. We'll see. Admitting that my life is not where I want it is all I can do right now.

Friday, April 20, 2012

I Like Breathing

So I might have... ok, scratch that, I did... begin a sexy texting convo with Charmer last night. I was horny all day and then going to pole class and listening to sexy songs didn't help. I tried texting Ty first with things like, "I am f'ing hot and horny and no one around - blows! and not in a good way at all, lol. Busy?" But no response, which makes me sad and then I found out that that message was read by a random stranger. He left his phone at the gym and when he picked it up this morning it had been 'read'. It should probably be a lesson that every time I try to text something propositional sexy to Ty, it ends up with the wrong person.

So due to no response from Ty, I decide to see what Charmer is up to. He starts off being nice, but as you might tell from my above prop, I am not in the mood for charming stuff. So I start a discussion I'd not want my mom to read. Seems well enough, I like this guy and I will probably only use him anyway, so why not? Eh, maybe because when I push for what would he really want to do with a girl, a good fantasy that he's always wanted, but never asked for... "I want to cum on your face and stick my fingers in your mouth to gag you....."

Yeah... I got nothing. What do you say? So, yeah, I know I said I would be open to considering your fantasies, but that.... you really want to choke me while I'm taking a cum shower?? I mean, uh, we have to get to know each other waaay better before I even consider you choking me being ok. Waaaay better to even consider it and even then... ehhh, I like breathing. I bailed. I didn't respond. To myself, I was like "Oh, look at that - not horny anymore" and went to sleep.

Can I even back this up to a time when it wasn't too much? He seemed decent before that. I still want to get laid, but I've gotten the impression from today's handful of texts that he thinks that since he mentioned it, it can happen. Like I said, I like breathing. I'm just gonna say it, I like breathing more than getting laid, lol. I'll admit that while it might be okay and even enjoyed by some, to me it seems a little f'd up that you want to do that to a girl you are having sex with. To each their own. I don't judge much, but this isn't for me. And cum in the eyes burns?

Slightly sorry for this rather... I dunno, something ungood, post. This killed it for me, I am unhorny today as I keep imagining being gagged by hairy knuckled fingers in my mouth while taking a cum shower. It's both hilarious and disturbing, but not sexy. I'm sorry I asked. I'm going home to plan activities for a church camp this summer. That sounds waay safer of a Friday night.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I'm Ok with Indecisiveness This Time....

Mmm, I had fun last weekend and this week. I ended up having lunch with the girls instead of dinner, because one of them had to pack for a Saturday funeral in StL and I had a potential blind date with one of Chad's friends. So I drive to the restaurant/bar that I am supposed to meet this guy and Chad is there instead. He said he decided against setting this guy up with me and instead had invited 4 other friends to meet here too. So after quite a few drinks and a round of appetizers, my would-be date shows up late and is pissed because Chad never told him not to come. Kinda awkward and hilarious admittedly.

So excessive drinking and two bars later I kept dropping my phone on the bar, so I let out a "Gorram it!" One of Chad's friends asked me what I said and I repeated it and was rewarded with a weird head hug while on the barstool. He knew I quoted Firefly, so we began talking. Meanwhile I am super drunk horny girl texting the hell outta Ty. One embarrassing moment came when I realized I'd finalyy outright propositioned him, only I had somehow managed to switch convos and had texted my co-worker, Aja. Hilarious and embarassing, mostly hilarious.

So I have pretty much gotten Ty to agree that this waiting shit needs to be over and that my drunk ass will find a way to him tonight. I know, not my most shining moment. I wanna get laid soo bad though. Like painfully bad horny even today. Back to the potentially nice boy talking to me at the bar. he's ok, but I am wary, then Chad texts me and tells me that I should not sleep with him because he is a charmer, but then after a bit it's over and he likes this guy and would hate to have to bury him. I think this is slightly hilarious, because normally I'm the dangerous one to any guy, but Chad is sweet and thinks/knows I am maybe fragile in my attachments. So I lay off a bit and we all go back to the apartment and hang out. Eventually people leave and it is just Chad, myself, charmer and the guy who let Chad's gay brother give him an hour calf massage in the hot tub last summer. Chad grabs me to take me to bed and I am ok with this, and we've always had a tense friends relationship, but I'm the one who always says "no" because I am worried I'l have feelings. But horniness wins out and I tell him "no feelings here, just horny". I'm an idiot and don't think until the apt shakes with a slammed door as Charmer leaves.

I kinda liked Charmer, he was nice and well, charming. I gave him my number and that's rare. I mean he knew FireFly quotes.... lol, I'm such an easy nerd. I figure I'm never gonna hear from him and I don't really blame him. I did however get a late night text Sunday as I drove home from a friends Game of Thrones watching. I've talked to him most days this week, although, I put the brakes on yesterday to see what he would do. He waited most of the day and stilll eventually texted me. I know that's dumb and silly, but I like that I'm not the sole person putting in effort even if it's a small thing like that. Downside.... he lives in Columbia, which is over 2 hours away. He'd only come in for the weekend to visit.

Meanwhile, Ty has finally started putting in some real effort and is pushing pretty hard for an evening of drinks or whatever now. I feel a little bad pulling them both along, but not really. I kind want to be slutty and have them both... not forever or even more than a few weeks, but I don't see either really being long-term either.

Working Girl Update

So the temp's last day is Friday. At some point I just became amused with her and while I was the primary babysitter on Monday, I had her work on returns and when she made dum-dum baby mistakes, I simply crossed them out and gave them back to her to puzzle over. This way she's not screwing up or holding up orders, and I have to look over her returns anyway and can catch whatever. The returns aren't a priority, like orders and typically are done once a week. She doesn't understand this and is always trying to do returns as a #1 priority, so I decided to let her knock herself out. And I secretly enjoy scratching through an entire page with "Delete This! We do not send the customer their speaker when they haven't even sent it to us yet" Seriously, dum-dum baby.

She's mostly been Aja's problem this week, like sending out the wrong international order which we did not have payment on... matching names is hard when Koltech and GemSem are so similar. So yesterday I told her that for the next two days, she would not be entering orders, but would be working on this mindless project of mine. I am having her numerically organize the last 2000 or so purchase orders I've done. Then she will need to enter them onto a spreadsheet I created. She will have to look up the internal vendor id for each one and what/when items have been recieved against that PO for each line item. I've kinda been wanting this for awhile, but was never gonna do it myself. It's a little evil though, I know.

So the woman has "car trouble" today... all day. Everyone is convinced my task finally put it clear that she's about out. I can kinda see that, since I told her not to enter orders the next two days.... which is the main part of her job. It's the only thing she succeeds at about 25% of the time, which is her best success rate on any of the daily tasks. We're taking bets on whether she shows up tomorrow... drinks at happy hour next week. I think she'll be here tomorrow.

Meanwhile, a day without her and we are getting along ok... even more productive than we've been.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Relationship Updates

Matt - still IMs/emails me through the day. What the f*ck ever. I never respond. Kim I'm glad you said it, but I've been saying it, but maybe not posting it. I can't trust him. I can't trust the most basic of information and convos. I realized this when I was wondering a couple weeks ago if he was really taking his daughter to the zoo. I know that's a ridiculous thing to question, but I also wouldn't be that surprised if it was just a ploy to get me to talk to him. If I can't trust the most basic of convos, what's the point? I miss the easily shared interests and the same willingness to go out and do whatever, like no idea is odd or dumb attitude. I've never meshed so well with anyone like that before, and it scares me to think I won't again and that I'm passing something up, but I had trust issues even before they were given this shot of anti-trust steroids. That's hard to get over. Especially when I seem to be flailing trying to find a useful relationship.

Ty- Idiot. He told me how the teacher lady was nice, but he was waiting for me to come around. We were supposed to have drinks after work today. I know he has super bad allergies right now and even left part of the day to go to the dr. He got back about 11ish and then left by 2pm. I didn't get a bye or talk to you later IM or text. So I feel a little stood up and jaded and I've decided I might be done with this. I'm certainly done pursuing without lots of apologies. Is that too harsh for someone dealing with allergies and being on allergy meds? Maybe? Well, I kinda feel that you remember things like telling someone what's going on or at least acknowledging somehow if it's important to you. If I don't even rank a quick IM or text saying "Feel like shit, going home early, reschedule?" or any apology during the day really, well, f*ck it. I don't have it in me right now to be the person who cares more in a relationship. I can't be your doormat.

So my best relationships are stemming from pole dancing. I went out last Friday with a couple girls from class. The four of us are about the same 5- 6 yr age range and went to the art districts "First Fridays" celebration. No drama at all. Mostly just talking and getting to know each other while drinking, eating from street vendor gloriousness, and playing pool and darts at a bar. We looked at some art too, but more by accident than anything else... just not the focus of the night. It was nice. I miss having girl friends that are local and not married with kids, that I can openly talk to and hear honesty back. I feel like I kind of have that here, but it's not the same as just having a friend you can meet for lunch or after work. Two of the girls and I are supposed to grab dinner Friday, and it's something I've been looking forward to most of the week.

Work Venting

This has been an incredibly long week and a half. I have considered writing a handful of times, but have been exhausted most of this last week. The days have run together. It's this girl at work. She's awful in every way. She's the kind of dumb in which I'd prefer to have an actual box of rocks, because at least I could get some small hysterical entertainment out of shaking it and hearing the rattling. I feel shaking her might be frowned upon. I know I have limited patience anyway, but it goes right out the window with her rudeness to me as well.

Aja, the other chick in the office, has been out with this awful flu all week, so I have been the primary babysitter. So it is this woman's 5th week here and she still can't be trusted to do the simplest of tasks of my previous job, but we were kinda giving more chances because neither Aja or myself wanted to answer phones anymore. This woman is awful on the phones (telling customers "I can't help you" and "I don't know" or "why didn't you call your sales rep" - about every other call you hear this) and she IMs or yells questions for every call anyway. It's repetitive 1st-week type questions, and it drives me nuts and makes me think I should have just answered the damn phone myself, because I sure as hell can't get through anything on my desk without an interruption anyway. Wish granted yesterday when she decided to stop answering phones and signed out of the phone loop, so I signed her back in and she signed back out and I wondered what possible purpose could she serve yet again.

Besides the extra two hours every evening I stay to go over her stuff and fix things (this is in addition to checking every aspect of her work through the day, but she doesn't always correct what I tell her to), the outright doing of her job and struggling to do my own as well through the day, and the bedazzled phone of bad country music that I imagine chucking across the room... it's really the blank stares, the sighing, the blatant to my face eyerolls and the turn and walk away moments as I'm explaining something yet again. I lost it yesterday morning before 9am with a sigh and eyeroll and walk-away combo. The rudeness when she's the one screwing up equaled confrontation. Since she wouldn't even turn around when I asked her to come back, I felt I had to be loud enough to be heard as I told her "If you need me to point out where to find the terms that we use for 90% of all customers on the price sheet again, just ask, but rolling your eyes at me and walking away is not helpful." Sound carries remarkably well in our office and I find it difficult to believe that our CFO and CEO didn't hear that and I'm glad. So after Aja came back today and we compared notes and decided this wasn't gonna work, we walked over to our boss and she just looked at us and said "I'll put the ad back up on Friday". Sometimes I really love Laura for that, she said our CEO had already approved getting rid of her. Aja wanted to keep her another week, so she could catch up from being sick this week, but by the end of the day she asked if we could move the date up.

I feel a little bad about the situation because she left a permanent job to come temp for us in a job that doesn't offer much growth unless one of us leaves. But that's her own stupidity and she should have put more effort in. She's got three kids ranging from 19 to 8, but she's also bragged that she's recently divorced from a Rolla grad (she was a townie) and I can only assume that a UMR grad 20 yrs out of school is established enough to be paying a nice sum of child support and alimony. Lance, Rolla grad in our office, and I have been wondering how the hell a Rolla grad marries someone that dumb. Either she was a hot blonde 20 yrs ago rather than the bulldog look of now, or maybe desperation of a nerdy Rolla guy, or maybe a shotgun wedding because of the now 19 yr old son...?? I'm being mean, but I've also stressed a shit ton about this this week. I've tried to be nice, so it's not a "Tracy wasn't nice" thing, but then I realized I was avoiding the printer by her desk to avoid her rudeness, which I still don't get why she's been rude to me from the beginning. I've not been as nice as this post would have you think either, but I didn't start out that way.. Ok, at one point while she was telling me that I didn't know what I was talking about, I didn't say a word but pulled a reference page with the information and just held it up to her. When she snapped "I don't know what this says", I respond with "Try reading". After that confrontation, Lance just walked over and took my scissors away "For everyone's safety", which made me crack up.

Anyhow, hopefully we can move up her end date to tomorrow and I can relax better and not wish for Wine Wednesdays at the workplace. I know it's gonna be a lot more work, but I also feel like I am already doing both jobs and staying late anyway. Done venting about her, sorry, she's just been the biggest stressor this week as I've tried to not be too much of a heinous bitch to her.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Unexpected

I don't think I've said it yet, but I love you guys.

So I do want a relationship is the problem. I want instant satisfaction, yes, but have ended up being a harsh bitch to the ones who hit on me in the bars, and the reason is because I was usually texting Ty and I think of him way more than I'd like admitting tonight. That is why this hurts a bit more than expected. I can suck it up and be a good friend while he "dates" this girl. And I can look myself too. I've considered the not dating in the workplace, but we technically work for different companies and in different buildings, but we do share a lot of people connections between the companies... ehhh.

So the reason I signed on tonight. My mom is home and was talking about a Brazilian bbq restaurant... like the come around to your table and cut off chunks of meat style. I said I had a groupon for one out here that expires in a couple weeks and that I wasn't going to be going with Matt. So she is telling me again how much she really liked him. So I asked if she wanted to not like him anymore and then I told her that he's still married. That he's been asking for a divorce the last yr and a half, but that she's been against it, but that they've also been lying to each other the past yr. That he only told her that we were serious in December and asked for a divorce in January and that I had to find out the lie on my own. That he's only even been moved out a week and a half now. So she doesn't know that we were sleeping together maintaining the dream that I am a nice Christian girl in this regard, whatever. So she thinks I should give him a chance. I didn't see that coming at all. I expected a harsh and direct opposite.

I have to go pull a chicken outta the oven... g'night

One is the Lonliest Number....

I haven't been very good about posting lately. I'll run through the two major things on my mind, which is the main reason I felt I needed to post.

The first is easy kinda.... Matt tried to make me feel bad last Friday emailing me how sad and lonely he is right now. I'd like to point out that he hadn't even been moved out of his marital home for a full week at that point. I ignored and held back from reminding him that I don't have any obligation nor do I feel a need to make him feel better. I am not the cause. Then I got an email telling me that he and B were gonna go to the zoo on Saturday and I could come if I wanted to see him and her. That was low to kinda use his daughter as a draw. She is a pretty awesome little girl. (and on a side note who takes their pasty white kid to the zoo on day we are breaking 90?) Then on Monday morning at 7am, my phone is beeping with emails and he is inviting me to join an online friend/flirting community... it comes with picture. This made my morning after the "wth" moment. The pic is the saddest emo kid you've ever seen. Is he gonna try and get a date with emo chicks and slit their wrists together? Funnily enough, I had to order 25 boxes of a 100 razor blades for our warehouse... I can get them a good deal... Is that wrong? Tonight I got an email asking for my enchilada recipe. Somehow that one pissed me off even more, because that is one of my best dishes and why would I share it with him. Delusional Dirtbag.

The other thing on my mind is Ty and that stupid blind date teacher. I may have played it too well that I didn't care. I was too "friends" like with this and I kinda knew it at the time even. Foolish girl. So friendly-like I asked about her before the date and he told me and then Saturday morning after the date he told me she was cute, not hot (which I always think is better anyway, because it lasts longer) and that they got along, but he didn't get laid. She did give him her phone number though. We talked all day Saturday, but he would not come out with me to Westport to watch a basketball game and out drinking with some of my friends afterward. Sunday we talked most of the day too. Something was different on Monday and I felt I was talking to myself on IM. My evening was ok, but it was crazy in its own way and I didn't tell him because I knew he was going to a friends to watch the game and I wasn't invited.

Today I was mad and determined to not let it happen again, so whenever it got quiet on the IM, I closed the window and I have enough work learning my new role that it's prolly good really. Finally I ask if he ever called her back and he said yes and he is" meeting her after work for drinks and see how things go from there". And apparently that meant after her work, because he left by 3. My emotions pull me in a couple different directions of mad, sad, indifferent, feeling like I did something, trying to trace where my current state of crazy finally proved too much, when did this interest in me stop? I feel lonely again, like I did when the big mess went down a month ago. It feels longer ago. I hate being lonely and feeling like things will never work out. I want to be wanted, and pursued. I also kinda wonder if those are the kind of feelings that mean I should not jump into a relationship, because I might get stuck or be in it for the wrong reasons.

My mom is back this afternoon, which is why I was cleaning til 2 and showered and started writing this. I haven't cleaned anything I didn't need since before she left, lol.