tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26827032713174954782024-02-19T06:06:57.398-05:00The Elephant in the RoomA humorous blog about divorce and recovery... aka "How I moved on."Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger114125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-31338491594992167502012-05-29T20:10:00.001-04:002012-05-29T20:10:33.026-04:00Hiss....Just found out that the douchebag tried to friend one of my friends on FB. I don't have facebook, because it's the devil, but I am writing this from my phone while looking at Chad's facebook. I feel like I could literally hiss and my only thoughts are red-rage colored anger. I want to reach out and shake and claw. I am asking Chad where's the 'hells no' button. WTH? That's not ok. Who really even considers that to be ok? HissThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-86937665621798548812012-05-29T17:47:00.001-04:002012-05-29T17:47:51.537-04:00Sad Dragon PetSo my dragon digi pet on my phone.... I kinda feel like a horrible person for thinking about purposefully letting it die. I'm bored with it and I want to complain that all you do is feed it, bathe it, toss it a ball and that's basically it. You are indeed suppose to discipline it with either a whip or a pointing finger, but even this is lame. Then I think this is not so different than what we could do with the Tamagotchi things. I thought those were great at the time. I now expect more though. This dragon is in 3D, but never moves from it's spot in the middle of the screen. I suppose 3D is cool, but it'd be better if my dragon walked anywhere. Under-utilizes my smartphone. I'm a lousy owner who is already bored. <br />
<br />
I downloaded an empire game that I found while kinda looking for a better dragon pet game. Poor dragon only gets fed the last day or two when I get notification that it is sad and hungry. It only looks downhill from here for my 5 day old dragon. It doesn't even breathe fire. Pet dragons should breathe fire to cook s'mores.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-69903468574643227702012-05-25T19:43:00.000-04:002012-05-25T19:43:24.407-04:00I Love the 90's?Anyone remember the Giga Pet or Tamagotchi? Somehow that came up this afternoon and now I kinda want one. Maybe I could be a better pet parent this time. I was young and irresponsible in the 90's... totally different now. I searched "digital pet" on my phone for an equivalent. So many options, but there was a dragon one and I've always wanted a dragon. And honestly, some of the options were to Asian school girl for me. So I'm egg watching at work this afternoon for my new dragon baby to hatch.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-63900904132910360372012-05-25T19:37:00.001-04:002012-05-25T19:37:58.846-04:00Even Indian Food Teaches Life LessonsAfter having Indian food on the recent NY trip, I've been craving it this whole week. I know there is supposed to be this awesome Indian restaurant really close to work - Korma Sutra. Visiting work guests go there when they are in town and rave about it. The reviews online are always great. My coworkers have been there and proclaim it's goodness, yet we have never gone as a group in the last year I've worked here. Although I will go to many restaurants alone, I wasn't sure of my comfort with an Indian restaurant, so I've avoided it. But today I have tempted my coworkers into experiencing it's goodness with me. On a side note, I was slightly scared at how spicy the food might be and having to sit through the remainder of the work day. You know why.<br />
<br />
So first off, the place is packed at 12:40 and would still be packed at 2 when we left. I mean line outside the door packed. This is a good sign. From the reviews, I know that this restaurant is supposed to be fun and have excellent service, but the 2nd one downtown is supposed to have slightly better food. We showed up during the lunch buffet, so I'm ok with whatever for $10. Every table gets water and this creamy mango drink immediately, which you normally have to pay for at other times. We go get food - basic normal Indian food looking stuff. The goat was sooo good and I got most of my second plate covered in the butter chicken. I will say, I didn't need to worry too much about the spiciness of the dishes. They were spicy, but you could really taste the flavors and the spice wasn't overwhelming to me. It was really tasty, and I'd go back for my next craving.<br />
<br />
The owner is running around constantly passing out "happy chai" (omg, I need more and got a to-go cup of it), almondy or coconut milk icecream thing, and this naan sandwichy thing. When offered free stuff, the answer is almost always yes. While he's passing out this naan thing -about an 1/8 of inch of something that has the coloring of dried blood and obviously consisting mostly over spices between two pcs of naan- he tells some people "sweet naan" and others he tells "hot naan". It's the same basket, so one of these is a joke. This should have been my first clue. I thankfully didn't pop the whole slice in my mouth, but took a decent size nibble. At first I though, heh, this is boring and not much flavor. Then follows the "sweet mother, what the hell is this?What have you done?" sirens going off in my head. Burning, true physical pain radiates, so I swallow the remainder immediately. I down my previously untouched water, and look to my creamy mango drink. Maybe it's the acid of the mango, but it only burns more... that drink is a trick. I am sweating and my eyes are tearing up enough I'm thinking a tear will run down my cheek soon. My nose is running bad. I don't care how nice the cloth napkin is, my nose is about to start dripping. I wipe the sheen of sweat from my cheek bones and start eating my butter chicken, which was actually pretty spicy earlier, but is now cooling the current wildfire in my mouth. Coworker is laughing. I'd like to think of that naan thing now as "demon blood" naan, like someone went to hell, brought back a demon and is sitting in the back of the place tapping his fire-saturated vein especially for this thing. The manager blew up two balloons for me (to make me feel better, lol) and brought me more icecream, but he was laughing the whole time too. <br />
<br />
It was kinda funny to watch when one of the guys at a neighboring table tore his up and mixed it in his friend's food when he stepped away. Guy tried hard, and was confused that his friends were eating the same plate as he was with no real affect. That thing is chocked full of capsacin or whatever. It was like covering your finger with Siracha sauce and sticking it your mouth - flames of many suns. What did I learn today? Re-learned that sometimes "free" comes with a price, and to always say "no" to demon blood naan.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-54240741279391581462012-05-14T15:37:00.002-04:002012-05-14T15:37:42.313-04:00There's No Crying in BaseballSo newest dilemna... baseball tickets. I purchased two awesome seats for the t-bones baseball games out here. I have several games... 10 or 12 maybe. I miss having someone who would be up for anything I came up with to go do around town, like eating $1 hotdogs and watching the minor league-ish team play. I like the t-bones and this will be my third or fourth season following them. This is the first season I've invested upfront with so many tickets. This drives me nuts. I want to go with someone and not be the odd girl sitting alone at the games. I don't like baseball enough for that honestly. My grandpa is happier going to games alone and focusing on the baseball, that sounds unfun to me. I like that I can socialize through parts and not miss much. I've used it for dates in the past. But I need a lot of dates this season for these tickets and I don't find very likely to happen.<br />
<br />
Kim suggested I do some online dating and take a new boy every week. Brilliant idea, but lately I've not gotten past a few exchanged emails with anyone. They seem to disappear after I start the "Are you really single? Please don't lie to me" train. I've drawn this out to not happening in the first or sometimes even the second email anymore, but it eventually happens. I know even as I type that question and plea that I sound crazy and needy, and that even I would ditch me, but it's overcome by a need to know. Some days the lack of response is taken as "There you go again, Tracy," but other more distrustful days are more like "Jerk, probably was married/in a relationship." Still I know that that's probably less true and more likely my current shade of crazy interfered. Still I don't know what I really want right now. I want a relationship, but at the same time I still feel like I don't have it in me to put forth the effort yet. <br />
<br />
Anyhow, I'm open to suggestions on how to turn up someone who enjoys $1 hot dogs and minor league baseball. Or maybe I just need to not ask That question until they are already at the baseball game with me and we've made it past the 3rd inning at least. I'll go regardless; I've always been independent and if I can take myself out for a $50 dinner and enjoy myself, this isn't so bad. Much less noticeable, just less fun really.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-57368609218853221602012-05-09T18:43:00.001-04:002012-05-09T18:43:56.626-04:00Pole Goal for the NightI have pole tonight. That's exciting. I am almost able to rock a new move, but kind of panicked and hurt myself Monday. I climb to the top of the pole, cross my legs in front of me around the pole, point one leg straight out and the top leg hooks the pole. Then I let go with my hands and lean back all the way. My thighs hold me up while I arch my back down the pole, then I pull my legs up toward the ceiling, so that I am nearly perpendicular to the pole and am supposed to grab on with my hands again and let go with my legs, Supposed to... insert slipping and falling panic here... so I re-grab with my legs and don't get a good hold and am sliding the more I move. I try to come up out of it and grab a foot to regain a sitting position on the pole. Pull my own leg muscle... hurt... don't re-try the rest of the night and stick with easy stuff. Should have just slid down and started over... dumb girl. <br />
<br />
Hoping to do it right this time. This combo move makes my arms and abs tired almost immediately. There's several things I can do from that point once I get it, but it's a fail still. Wait, it's a goal, yes.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-18792187106239397662012-05-09T18:39:00.002-04:002012-05-09T18:39:56.347-04:00Work Rant... SorryThis day... the week... will never end. I am tired. Fell asleep at my desk and even while drifting think, "who cares? I'm f'ing tired" I would be severely embarrassed if anyone came around my corner actually. I have a new Chewbacca lego figure to play with at my desk. He's not new, but he's new to my desk. There's only so many times I can balance him and Han in my slinky though. <br />
<br />
Our boss is out playing nurse for her husband this week and next, so we're on our own. She travels a lot anyway; sometimes she's only here for a few days of the month even. We are self-sufficient. However, one of the other VPs for the commercial side took it upon himself to visit and oversee us this week. He's not awful, but sometimes he makes my head hurt a lot. He used pretty blatant of his attitude that womenfolk opinions didn't matter. That feels good... like sandpaper on a sunburn. Also, he's technically with a different company and so has no bearing on what I do, so his being here is, um, super useful.<br />
<br />
Last night not long after he gets in town, he is at my desk asking to see my file on 02AVCOM and why did they get such a low limit. Ok, what? Ok, I heard 02.. our customers don't start with that. I explain... first, that's not even my job within this company and second, I don't do anything for your company, so I will not have any of this info. He responds sharply, "I know that, but where do you keep the file" Deep breath, Tracy, he heard nothing you said. This time I explain that it would be just as odd for me to have credit history files on Best Buy customers as it would for me to have them for his customers. His eyes said he understood, but also that he heard the smartness in my voice. He then launches into a 5 min history about this customer... they're actually owned by Hy-Vee (or someone, I admit I wasn't listening well) and they are past due and going to put in a new larger order... blah blah blah. He finishes and stands there. I say, Hmm. He's still standing here. Can't hold back any longer, "I don't know what to tell you. I don't do anything with this in the company I work for and can, therefore, do even less for yours. So basically that was nothing more than a good story to me" Point across.<br />
<br />
This morning I say good morning to him and get no response. Expected... uppity womenfolk need to be put in their place. Then he comes over demanding to know why we're out of something. I've just been dumped on by Aja deciding she is taking an early lunch because the phone is too busy... wth, we're supposed to be splitting the day on the phones and your half doesn't end for another hour and a half. So I snap- put the phone call on hold and tell him why we're out. "This is a new product. I had just enough flown in for all of our reps to have samples, but before I could set up orders to send them out, you pressured the warehouse into sending them to your reps. So we'll be out until mid June now, because I am not having any flown in and the rest are on a boat." Sidenote, I am having some flown in directly to the office and I will load up my car and take them to the warehouse because some people are outside the circle of trust. Like a fat squirrel with a fanny pack.<br />
<br />
My vendor that I bitched about on Monday with the wire just called to tell me that he didn't ship it out Monday as promised. It probably won't ship out today either. I specifically gave him a credit card so it would go out on Monday. He can't run the credit card, it declined and he doesn't know why... "It's our CEO's. I just used it this morning, it's fine and has an obscene credit limit, so try again." Hiss... I do hate them... I really do. This wasn't meant to be a work rant post.<br />
<br />ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-44456220707361033792012-05-08T14:48:00.002-04:002012-05-08T14:48:56.953-04:00New Temp... This is #6, Maybe... Lost TrackI think I love our new temp. Her name is Kathryn. She's young... fresh graduate of KU with a psych degree. She's nice and smart and she needs a job. She's still making the drive from Lawrence, but is moving to KC to live with her brother soon. We are already to tell our boss to make her an offer asap... we need to lock this down. I can't handle another bad one. At this time her only fault is that she's young, like 22, and cute and doesn't have to be concerned with my newest discovery that I have to really work to lessen the cushion supporting me on this chair. <br />
<br />
She is working on a project that has contributed to the undoing of three previous temps. She is making it pretty and I think my dreams for this project will be realized. It's ugly and I'm thrilled not to be doing it. I am thrilled with the idea that competency really was out there waiting to be discovered. Yay.... now we need to lock it down, lol.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-57962223987052673532012-05-07T18:07:00.000-04:002012-05-07T18:07:22.201-04:00Shoe Epiphany at the Post OfficeI love shoes. The higher the better usually, but I'm not overly discriminating over the heights... I'm open-minded kinda. I've been staring at a pair for a long time and finally gave in and gifted myself. I thought they were perfect, but turns out they aren't quite perfect. They're a little too small - my size isn't my size this time. My foot didn't get bigger - the size is a lie... problems of online shoe shopping. Some could even point out - what did I expect from online shopping? <br />
<br />
Now I could make them work for a couple hours maybe. They still look good, and you and I would be the only ones to know they're not quite right. But the truth is that I will never be able to love them. I love shoes, and I take care of them and loyally keep them for years, so comfort is important. I have to be able to trust my shoes; trust that they aren't going to faux-cripple me with pain. <br />
<br />
So I'm giving up on this pair. Maybe I'll upgrade to another size, afterall; I did like a lot about this pair. Or maybe I'll be looking for that corrected size pair and find a pair I like more. Meanwhile, this pair can't get the amazon return label on it fast enough. Maybe I'll meet the right pair for me online again, or maybe I'll come across him by chance, or maybe through a friend of a friend. I am always an optimistic realist though when it comes to shoes... and such.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-49465521105507400872012-05-07T18:06:00.000-04:002012-05-07T18:06:09.327-04:00Monday... Can't straighten out my thoughtsI am looking forward to seeing old friends in a couple weeks. I think it is a needed thing. I should prolly remind my boss. She is dealing with her husband's newly discovered cancer and I don't need to add to her stress with disappearing one day. <br />
<br />
I need to move out sooner than later. I feel like some days are better than others, but there's been a lot more bad than good lately. Sooner is still a couple months away though. I need to handle myself better and remember her feelings. <br />
<br />
I don't know what I did. Nice guy I was talking to for two weeks, just stopped messaging or taking calls last Thursday. Not sure if there is something else going on or what. I don't trust it. Maybe it's something like I dropped my phone off the side of a bridge, or maybe it's as simple as moving on to someone else. Awkward and ungood feeling. Stupid boys. Doesn't really matter. I want to know what happened, but then I also realize that I only partially care and have moved on already... kinda. <br />
<br />
I hate one of my vendors today. I sent this PO in a month ago and heard nothing. Re-sent it a couple times. Finally talked to a live person and found out that since the shipping address is different than usual, no one did anything with it. WTH? So I resubmit with the requested statement that we have more than one warehouse that can be shipped to, and two days later call back wanting an update. "Yeah, that's not gonna work anymore, someone should have called you. You need to fill out this new customer credit app." We've been doing business with them for about 20 yrs. I will find someone else who can sell me copious amounts of "Wire #16/2 W/UL Class 3 Blue" in the future, and we'll not be doing business for 21 yrs.<br />ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-6196859059976388452012-05-01T22:36:00.000-04:002012-05-01T22:36:18.753-04:00Stressed... Stress Relief is Far AwayYou know that feeling after a long day at work where all you want to do is relax. I want that sooo f'ing bad lately. Instead I get immediate talking. Talking about junk mail for the last 10 minutes. I know I am being a little short and I know the question of "what is your problem", or some form of it, is coming at any moment. I am hoping to avoid that question. At the same time I want to say, "Quiet! I want f'ing quiet!" OMG, we're saving the Bank of America card because she likes them. She's never used them ever, at least not in my lifetime, but she just states that she likes them while smiling at the stupid card like a little kid who likes a card because it has fireworks or puppies or kitties on the front. I retreat to my room and she follows me to tell me that the neighbor kids mowed the yard today. Is ice cream a bad outlet?<br />
<br />
I am tired. No temp and month end and still fixing mistakes from the last temp and hating her even still. Our boss is about to be gone for the rest of the month for her husband's prostrate surgery. She's stressed about her husband's newly found cancer, so we are trying to cover all issues and it's been a crazy couple weeks. Now we've been given free reign on doing our own interviews for our temp.<br />
<br />
I am talking to another of Chad's friends lately. I've given up on Ty in a kinda bitchy attitude now. The new boy seems nice... a lil nerdy- a would be teacher, but currently working at a firework warehouse in Columbia. I'm starting to wonder if Chad knows any guys that live around here-ish. But this guy is fun and sweet, but rugged looking, which is fun and yummy. He plays bass in a band too, lol. The problem is that apparently my ideal lay is 2.5 hrs away. Is it wrong for waiting for the other shoe to drop? Like what's wrong with him? Eh, prolly not good, but it's where I'm at. I'm taking it pretty slow with him at this point even on sharing.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-81497174250035076982012-04-22T02:44:00.000-04:002012-04-22T02:44:19.580-04:00Eval TimeSo today was a little evaluation of self day...<br />
<br />
First thing to realize is that I am a bum. I somehow manage to know what I should do, but don't get up and do it lately. A small for instance is the majority of today. I slept in til 9 and when I finally did get up I put on workout clothes and promptly laid down on the couch for the next 6 hours only getting up for food and a blanket while watching Encino Man, Yes Man, and Old School. I knew I needed to workout and mow the yard and do laundry today, but I have reverted back to not being adult enough to do things I need to do or something. I ended up mowing 2/3rds of the yard before running out of gas and only because I knew I'd hear the question "What did you do today?" This is so not good on so many levels and extends into my work as well, if I'm honest.<br />
<br />
Another thing that I'm not happy with is my high school girl way of valuing myself lately based on others. I wasn't even like this in high school, maybe junior high. I have become obsessed with whether I am wanted. Wanted by idiot men, but also almost anyone around me too. I have become concerned with whether someone likes me and when is the other shoes gonna drop. Guys, yes, obviously, but also co-workers, my boss, girls at class, and even oldest friends. I realize this insecurity isn't good, but I also don't know how to connect/make it go away. Then I miss the feeling of security I would have with M, which makes me mad because logically I want to point out that I wasn't this neurotic before. Frustrated with self.<br />
<br />
I need to figure out what I want. I want a relationship, but I don't feel like I can put any decent amount of effort into one right now. I just don't care enough. I want the satisfaction and security and friendship that comes with most relationships, I just want it right now. I don't want to wait and work to that. I am tired of it all right now. Like haven't I paid my dues yet? I need to lay off pursuing anything until I can figure this out. I am not so good at choosing soundly lately.<br />
<br />
I guess basically I need to work on me and how things around me impact me and stop ignoring them with the focus on odd physical relations. We'll see. Admitting that my life is not where I want it is all I can do right now.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-84260222590402394912012-04-20T18:40:00.000-04:002012-04-20T18:40:19.584-04:00I Like BreathingSo I might have... ok, scratch that, I did... begin a sexy texting convo with Charmer last night. I was horny all day and then going to pole class and listening to sexy songs didn't help. I tried texting Ty first with things like, "I am f'ing hot and horny and no one around - blows! and not in a good way at all, lol. Busy?" But no response, which makes me sad and then I found out that that message was read by a random stranger. He left his phone at the gym and when he picked it up this morning it had been 'read'. It should probably be a lesson that every time I try to text something propositional sexy to Ty, it ends up with the wrong person. <br />
<br />
So due to no response from Ty, I decide to see what Charmer is up to. He starts off being nice, but as you might tell from my above prop, I am not in the mood for charming stuff. So I start a discussion I'd not want my mom to read. Seems well enough, I like this guy and I will probably only use him anyway, so why not? Eh, maybe because when I push for what would he really want to do with a girl, a good fantasy that he's always wanted, but never asked for... "I want to cum on your face and stick my fingers in your mouth to gag you....." <br />
<br />
Yeah... I got nothing. What do you say? So, yeah, I know I said I would be open to considering your fantasies, but that.... you really want to choke me while I'm taking a cum shower?? I mean, uh, we have to get to know each other waaay better before I even consider you choking me being ok. Waaaay better to even consider it and even then... ehhh, I like breathing. I bailed. I didn't respond. To myself, I was like "Oh, look at that - not horny anymore" and went to sleep. <br />
<br />
Can I even back this up to a time when it wasn't too much? He seemed decent before that. I still want to get laid, but I've gotten the impression from today's handful of texts that he thinks that since he mentioned it, it can happen. Like I said, I like breathing. I'm just gonna say it, I like breathing more than getting laid, lol. I'll admit that while it might be okay and even enjoyed by some, to me it seems a little f'd up that you want to do that to a girl you are having sex with. To each their own. I don't judge much, but this isn't for me. And cum in the eyes burns?<br />
<br />
Slightly sorry for this rather... I dunno, something ungood, post. This killed it for me, I am unhorny today as I keep imagining being gagged by hairy knuckled fingers in my mouth while taking a cum shower. It's both hilarious and disturbing, but not sexy. I'm sorry I asked. I'm going home to plan activities for a church camp this summer. That sounds waay safer of a Friday night.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-79627104531138600662012-04-19T19:12:00.001-04:002012-04-19T19:12:55.791-04:00I'm Ok with Indecisiveness This Time....Mmm, I had fun last weekend and this week. I ended up having lunch with the girls instead of dinner, because one of them had to pack for a Saturday funeral in StL and I had a potential blind date with one of Chad's friends. So I drive to the restaurant/bar that I am supposed to meet this guy and Chad is there instead. He said he decided against setting this guy up with me and instead had invited 4 other friends to meet here too. So after quite a few drinks and a round of appetizers, my would-be date shows up late and is pissed because Chad never told him not to come. Kinda awkward and hilarious admittedly. <br />
<br />
So excessive drinking and two bars later I kept dropping my phone on the bar, so I let out a "Gorram it!" One of Chad's friends asked me what I said and I repeated it and was rewarded with a weird head hug while on the barstool. He knew I quoted Firefly, so we began talking. Meanwhile I am super drunk horny girl texting the hell outta Ty. One embarrassing moment came when I realized I'd finalyy outright propositioned him, only I had somehow managed to switch convos and had texted my co-worker, Aja. Hilarious and embarassing, mostly hilarious. <br />
<br />
So I have pretty much gotten Ty to agree that this waiting shit needs to be over and that my drunk ass will find a way to him tonight. I know, not my most shining moment. I wanna get laid soo bad though. Like painfully bad horny even today. Back to the potentially nice boy talking to me at the bar. he's ok, but I am wary, then Chad texts me and tells me that I should not sleep with him because he is a charmer, but then after a bit it's over and he likes this guy and would hate to have to bury him. I think this is slightly hilarious, because normally I'm the dangerous one to any guy, but Chad is sweet and thinks/knows I am maybe fragile in my attachments. So I lay off a bit and we all go back to the apartment and hang out. Eventually people leave and it is just Chad, myself, charmer and the guy who let Chad's gay brother give him an hour calf massage in the hot tub last summer. Chad grabs me to take me to bed and I am ok with this, and we've always had a tense friends relationship, but I'm the one who always says "no" because I am worried I'l have feelings. But horniness wins out and I tell him "no feelings here, just horny". I'm an idiot and don't think until the apt shakes with a slammed door as Charmer leaves.<br />
<br />
I kinda liked Charmer, he was nice and well, charming. I gave him my number and that's rare. I mean he knew FireFly quotes.... lol, I'm such an easy nerd. I figure I'm never gonna hear from him and I don't really blame him. I did however get a late night text Sunday as I drove home from a friends Game of Thrones watching. I've talked to him most days this week, although, I put the brakes on yesterday to see what he would do. He waited most of the day and stilll eventually texted me. I know that's dumb and silly, but I like that I'm not the sole person putting in effort even if it's a small thing like that. Downside.... he lives in Columbia, which is over 2 hours away. He'd only come in for the weekend to visit. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Ty has finally started putting in some real effort and is pushing pretty hard for an evening of drinks or whatever now. I feel a little bad pulling them both along, but not really. I kind want to be slutty and have them both... not forever or even more than a few weeks, but I don't see either really being long-term either.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-67099447393561841592012-04-19T13:00:00.001-04:002012-04-19T13:00:23.029-04:00Working Girl UpdateSo the temp's last day is Friday. At some point I just became amused with her and while I was the primary babysitter on Monday, I had her work on returns and when she made dum-dum baby mistakes, I simply crossed them out and gave them back to her to puzzle over. This way she's not screwing up or holding up orders, and I have to look over her returns anyway and can catch whatever. The returns aren't a priority, like orders and typically are done once a week. She doesn't understand this and is always trying to do returns as a #1 priority, so I decided to let her knock herself out. And I secretly enjoy scratching through an entire page with "Delete This! We do not send the customer their speaker when they haven't even sent it to us yet" Seriously, dum-dum baby. <br />
<br />
She's mostly been Aja's problem this week, like sending out the wrong international order which we did not have payment on... matching names is hard when Koltech and GemSem are so similar. So yesterday I told her that for the next two days, she would not be entering orders, but would be working on this mindless project of mine. I am having her numerically organize the last 2000 or so purchase orders I've done. Then she will need to enter them onto a spreadsheet I created. She will have to look up the internal vendor id for each one and what/when items have been recieved against that PO for each line item. I've kinda been wanting this for awhile, but was never gonna do it myself. It's a little evil though, I know. <br />
<br />
So the woman has "car trouble" today... all day. Everyone is convinced my task finally put it clear that she's about out. I can kinda see that, since I told her not to enter orders the next two days.... which is the main part of her job. It's the only thing she succeeds at about 25% of the time, which is her best success rate on any of the daily tasks. We're taking bets on whether she shows up tomorrow... drinks at happy hour next week. I think she'll be here tomorrow. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, a day without her and we are getting along ok... even more productive than we've been.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-23592716653150334272012-04-13T04:33:00.000-04:002012-04-13T04:33:01.324-04:00Relationship UpdatesMatt - still IMs/emails me through the day. What the f*ck ever. I never respond. Kim I'm glad you said it, but I've been saying it, but maybe not posting it. I can't trust him. I can't trust the most basic of information and convos. I realized this when I was wondering a couple weeks ago if he was really taking his daughter to the zoo. I know that's a ridiculous thing to question, but I also wouldn't be that surprised if it was just a ploy to get me to talk to him. If I can't trust the most basic of convos, what's the point? I miss the easily shared interests and the same willingness to go out and do whatever, like no idea is odd or dumb attitude. I've never meshed so well with anyone like that before, and it scares me to think I won't again and that I'm passing something up, but I had trust issues even before they were given this shot of anti-trust steroids. That's hard to get over. Especially when I seem to be flailing trying to find a useful relationship.<br />
<br />
Ty- Idiot. He told me how the teacher lady was nice, but he was waiting for me to come around. We were supposed to have drinks after work today. I know he has super bad allergies right now and even left part of the day to go to the dr. He got back about 11ish and then left by 2pm. I didn't get a bye or talk to you later IM or text. So I feel a little stood up and jaded and I've decided I might be done with this. I'm certainly done pursuing without lots of apologies. Is that too harsh for someone dealing with allergies and being on allergy meds? Maybe? Well, I kinda feel that you remember things like telling someone what's going on or at least acknowledging somehow if it's important to you. If I don't even rank a quick IM or text saying "Feel like shit, going home early, reschedule?" or any apology during the day really, well, f*ck it. I don't have it in me right now to be the person who cares more in a relationship. I can't be your doormat.<br />
<br />
So my best relationships are stemming from pole dancing. I went out last Friday with a couple girls from class. The four of us are about the same 5- 6 yr age range and went to the art districts "First Fridays" celebration. No drama at all. Mostly just talking and getting to know each other while drinking, eating from street vendor gloriousness, and playing pool and darts at a bar. We looked at some art too, but more by accident than anything else... just not the focus of the night. It was nice. I miss having girl friends that are local and not married with kids, that I can openly talk to and hear honesty back. I feel like I kind of have that here, but it's not the same as just having a friend you can meet for lunch or after work. Two of the girls and I are supposed to grab dinner Friday, and it's something I've been looking forward to most of the week.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-39424007108100622872012-04-13T04:08:00.001-04:002012-04-13T04:08:13.248-04:00Work VentingThis has been an incredibly long week and a half. I have considered writing a handful of times, but have been exhausted most of this last week. The days have run together. It's this girl at work. She's awful in every way. She's the kind of dumb in which I'd prefer to have an actual box of rocks, because at least I could get some small hysterical entertainment out of shaking it and hearing the rattling. I feel shaking her might be frowned upon. I know I have limited patience anyway, but it goes right out the window with her rudeness to me as well.<br />
<br />
Aja, the other chick in the office, has been out with this awful flu all week, so I have been the primary babysitter. So it is this woman's 5th week here and she still can't be trusted to do the simplest of tasks of my previous job, but we were kinda giving more chances because neither Aja or myself wanted to answer phones anymore. This woman is awful on the phones (telling customers "I can't help you" and "I don't know" or "why didn't you call your sales rep" - about every other call you hear this) and she IMs or yells questions for every call anyway. It's repetitive 1st-week type questions, and it drives me nuts and makes me think I should have just answered the damn phone myself, because I sure as hell can't get through anything on my desk without an interruption anyway. Wish granted yesterday when she decided to stop answering phones and signed out of the phone loop, so I signed her back in and she signed back out and I wondered what possible purpose could she serve yet again.<br />
<br />
Besides the extra two hours every evening I stay to go over her stuff and fix things (this is in addition to checking every aspect of her work through the day, but she doesn't always correct what I tell her to), the outright doing of her job and struggling to do my own as well through the day, and the bedazzled phone of bad country music that I imagine chucking across the room... it's really the blank stares, the sighing, the blatant to my face eyerolls and the turn and walk away moments as I'm explaining something yet again. I lost it yesterday morning before 9am with a sigh and eyeroll and walk-away combo. The rudeness when she's the one screwing up equaled confrontation. Since she wouldn't even turn around when I asked her to come back, I felt I had to be loud enough to be heard as I told her "If you need me to point out where to find the terms that we use for 90% of all customers on the price sheet again, just ask, but rolling your eyes at me and walking away is not helpful." Sound carries remarkably well in our office and I find it difficult to believe that our CFO and CEO didn't hear that and I'm glad. So after Aja came back today and we compared notes and decided this wasn't gonna work, we walked over to our boss and she just looked at us and said "I'll put the ad back up on Friday". Sometimes I really love Laura for that, she said our CEO had already approved getting rid of her. Aja wanted to keep her another week, so she could catch up from being sick this week, but by the end of the day she asked if we could move the date up.<br />
<br />
I feel a little bad about the situation because she left a permanent job to come temp for us in a job that doesn't offer much growth unless one of us leaves. But that's her own stupidity and she should have put more effort in. She's got three kids ranging from 19 to 8, but she's also bragged that she's recently divorced from a Rolla grad (she was a townie) and I can only assume that a UMR grad 20 yrs out of school is established enough to be paying a nice sum of child support and alimony. Lance, Rolla grad in our office, and I have been wondering how the hell a Rolla grad marries someone that dumb. Either she was a hot blonde 20 yrs ago rather than the bulldog look of now, or maybe desperation of a nerdy Rolla guy, or maybe a shotgun wedding because of the now 19 yr old son...?? I'm being mean, but I've also stressed a shit ton about this this week. I've tried to be nice, so it's not a "Tracy wasn't nice" thing, but then I realized I was avoiding the printer by her desk to avoid her rudeness, which I still don't get why she's been rude to me from the beginning. I've not been as nice as this post would have you think either, but I didn't start out that way.. Ok, at one
point while she was telling me that I didn't know what I was talking
about, I didn't say a word but pulled a reference page with the information
and just held it up to her. When she snapped "I don't know what
this says", I respond with "Try reading". After that confrontation,
Lance just walked over and took my scissors away "For everyone's
safety", which made me crack up. <br />
<br />
Anyhow, hopefully we can move up her end date to tomorrow and I can relax better and not wish for Wine Wednesdays at the workplace. I know it's gonna be a lot more work, but I also feel like I am already doing both jobs and staying late anyway. Done venting about her, sorry, she's just been the biggest stressor this week as I've tried to not be too much of a heinous bitch to her.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-69067647944769208252012-04-04T21:40:00.001-04:002012-04-04T21:40:23.473-04:00UnexpectedI don't think I've said it yet, but I love you guys.<br />
<br />
So I do want a relationship is the problem. I want instant satisfaction, yes, but have ended up being a harsh bitch to the ones who hit on me in the bars, and the reason is because I was usually texting Ty and I think of him way more than I'd like admitting tonight. That is why this hurts a bit more than expected. I can suck it up and be a good friend while he "dates" this girl. And I can look myself too. I've considered the not dating in the workplace, but we technically work for different companies and in different buildings, but we do share a lot of people connections between the companies... ehhh.<br />
<br />
So the reason I signed on tonight. My mom is home and was talking about a Brazilian bbq restaurant... like the come around to your table and cut off chunks of meat style. I said I had a groupon for one out here that expires in a couple weeks and that I wasn't going to be going with Matt. So she is telling me again how much she really liked him. So I asked if she wanted to not like him anymore and then I told her that he's still married. That he's been asking for a divorce the last yr and a half, but that she's been against it, but that they've also been lying to each other the past yr. That he only told her that we were serious in December and asked for a divorce in January and that I had to find out the lie on my own. That he's only even been moved out a week and a half now. So she doesn't know that we were sleeping together maintaining the dream that I am a nice Christian girl in this regard, whatever. So she thinks I should give him a chance. I didn't see that coming at all. I expected a harsh and direct opposite.<br />
<br />
I have to go pull a chicken outta the oven... g'nightThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-63779260508435203712012-04-04T03:32:00.000-04:002012-04-04T03:32:02.521-04:00One is the Lonliest Number....I haven't been very good about posting lately. I'll run through the two major things on my mind, which is the main reason I felt I needed to post.<br />
<br />
The first is easy kinda.... Matt tried to make me feel bad last Friday emailing me how sad and lonely he is right now. I'd like to point out that he hadn't even been moved out of his marital home for a full week at that point. I ignored and held back from reminding him that I don't have any obligation nor do I feel a need to make him feel better. I am not the cause. Then I got an email telling me that he and B were gonna go to the zoo on Saturday and I could come if I wanted to see him and her. That was low to kinda use his daughter as a draw. She is a pretty awesome little girl. (and on a side note who takes their pasty white kid to the zoo on day we are breaking 90?) Then on Monday morning at 7am, my phone is beeping with emails and he is inviting me to join an online friend/flirting community... it comes with picture. This made my morning after the "wth" moment. The pic is the saddest emo kid you've ever seen. Is he gonna try and get a date with emo chicks and slit their wrists together? Funnily enough, I had to order 25 boxes of a 100 razor blades for our warehouse... I can get them a good deal... Is that wrong? Tonight I got an email asking for my enchilada recipe. Somehow that one pissed me off even more, because that is one of my best dishes and why would I share it with him. Delusional Dirtbag.<br />
<br />
The other thing on my mind is Ty and that stupid blind date teacher. I may have played it too well that I didn't care. I was too "friends" like with this and I kinda knew it at the time even. Foolish girl. So friendly-like I asked about her before the date and he told me and then Saturday morning after the date he told me she was cute, not hot (which I always think is better anyway, because it lasts longer) and that they got along, but he didn't get laid. She did give him her phone number though. We talked all day Saturday, but he would not come out with me to Westport to watch a basketball game and out drinking with some of my friends afterward. Sunday we talked most of the day too. Something was different on Monday and I felt I was talking to myself on IM. My evening was ok, but it was crazy in its own way and I didn't tell him because I knew he was going to a friends to watch the game and I wasn't invited.<br />
<br />
Today I was mad and determined to not let it happen again, so whenever it got quiet on the IM, I closed the window and I have enough work learning my new role that it's prolly good really. Finally I ask if he ever called her back and he said yes and he is" meeting her after work for drinks and see how things go from there". And apparently that meant after her work, because he left by 3. My emotions pull me in a couple different directions of mad, sad, indifferent, feeling like I did something, trying to trace where my current state of crazy finally proved too much, when did this interest in me stop? I feel lonely again, like I did when the big mess went down a month ago. It feels longer ago. I hate being lonely and feeling like things will never work out. I want to be wanted, and pursued. I also kinda wonder if those are the kind of feelings that mean I should not jump into a relationship, because I might get stuck or be in it for the wrong reasons.<br />
<br />
My mom is back this afternoon, which is why I was cleaning til 2 and showered and started writing this. I haven't cleaned anything I didn't need since before she left, lol.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-66968048089886885052012-03-30T02:32:00.000-04:002012-03-30T02:33:43.885-04:00Swirl that cape!I'm laying in bed trying to write this using the swype feature on my phone. Did something awful to my shoulder/arm in pole class tonight. Hoping it's just a pulled muscle. I felt it immediately give and then it hurt to put any weight on it. Of course I still tried a couple more moves in the remaining 30 minutes, but that might have been dumb. It hurt to even grip the steering wheel while driving home.
No cooking. I justified going to Applebees and then had a long island while waiting for my food. The bartender, Jeff, is amazing and makes the best long islands. Jeff is also both a jerk and a flirt bartender- usually I like him, lol. He's been the bartender there for at least the last decade, and usually makes ant of my drinks in a camouflaged glass so tattle tales don't have as much ammo to tell my parents. Lol, small towns, right? Tonight though, f' it, I've an improvised sling and bag of ice made from to-go bags via Jeff, so I deserve a big fishbowl like long island.
Ty said he felt really bad about canceling and wanted to reschedule. I asked what he was doing Friday night, which would be good, right? Yeah, he has a blind date that night that his friend's wife set up a couple weeks ago. Jealous that stranger girl gets a date and I don't. I'm being Unrealistic. She's a teacher. I acted like I didn't care and it didn't bother me. I'm not sure I really sold that though.
Ugh, I waited until the alcohol wore off to take a muscle relaxer. I'm gonna blame the muscle relaxer and not my own disturbed mind, but I can't shake the image of Labyrinth Bowie. He just keeps swirling his cape like some crazed magician in my head. Eh, he makes me giggle a little even with his intense serial killer stare. I think that means I should go to sleep.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-41746477812945481682012-03-28T23:12:00.000-04:002012-03-28T23:12:12.146-04:00Let DownNo date. I looked cute all day. One of his cousins was out of town and Ty had to go to his computer store for some emergency thing. I dunno, whatever. I felt stood up even though I understand that he needed to go. I'm dealing with chick brain thoughts. I'm wondering if I'm pursuing a guy who doesn't really care about me and am, therefore setting myself up to be hurt. I want to bail and break things off... when really nothing has even started and is an overreaction.<br />
<br />
The new girl at work irritates the hell out of me. She takes 45 minutes on average to process the simplest of orders, it usually takes us a couple minutes. She's been there three weeks and I'm trying to remember that I sometimes have too high/unrealistic expectations. She can't quit because of me, so I keep reminding myself that she's trying... kinda. She just wants the answer and doesn't care about the why and that irritates me. When I tell her the part number and flip the price guide to that page and hand it back to her and say something like, "See it now?" She didn't even pretend to look at it and said, "No". I stared at her for a moment. Similar things had happened already in the day by this point, so I accidentally said out loud, "You might try <i>looking</i>... in the middle of the page" very quietly, but very sarcastically. Then I ended up doing it for her about 30 minutes later.<br />
<br />
I worked 11 hours without lunch today. No date meant I chose to stay a lil late and look over a couple things. I spent an extra 2.5 hours fixing stuff. I ate tasty leftover mexican and some cookie dough and a Sam Adams variety six pack upon getting home. Pretty sure that negates my workout this morning and I don't really care right now. I'm lonely and tipsy and horny... awful combo really.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-2561643716736651242012-03-26T15:58:00.001-04:002012-03-26T19:05:29.697-04:00BonusSo I signed on here to post and saw that I didn't actually hit post the other night, so it's like a bonus post day. Yay! Right?<br />
<br />
So today is my dad's birthday and my mom is flying out out to Brazil in a couple hours. I'm a little emotional and stressed honestly. Ty came over to our building to take a break and see me. That was nice. I tried my new make up this morning... I know I knocked my eye make-up out of the park, so I'm pleased with that. I will see him at happy hour tomar and an actual date on Wednesday. Smile.<br />
<br />
Work is slow. New girl has almost stepped into the role completely and I have pretty much caught up on my stuff from the last couple months. Awesome feeling to not be buried. <br />
<br />
Matt emailed me this morning. He moved out and then got drunk Saturday and wants to talk. I can't do it. Even though he has forgotten that this is a big day for me, I resent him a little bit more today for bringing his drama around. I don't have any reason to make him feel better. I was angry to even have to tell him this, so I didn't. I just ignored him and hope that gives enough of a hint. <br />
<br />
Ignore Ignore... I have more important things to worry about like what I'm gonna wear for my date on Wednesday.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-70432943758839656782012-03-26T15:27:00.002-04:002012-03-26T15:43:17.889-04:00Sweet, Even When I'm NotI need to go to bed. It's only 10:30, but I want to start getting to work about 7-7:30 ish this week. My mom leaves for her trip tomorrow. The plane leaves at 5:30pm, but the group is trying to leave for the airport at 1pm... so early. I thought I could come home and see her before she leaves, but not at 1. She's at work tonight trying to get stuff done before they leave. I'm considering leaving early tomar about 3-3:30 and seeing her at the airport at least. Chances are she'll get home around 2 or 3 this morning and will be sleeping when I hopefully leave tomar morn.<br />
<br />
I did find my phone. It was on my desk the next morning. Well, I didn't say a prayer to a saint and well, honestly, I think that would be more offensive than not praying at all to my very Baptist mother, lol. I love the comments and never know whether to acknowledge them, but I love them, so I am.<br />
<br />
So my date that wasn't a date... it was just that. I worked later than he did and then gps'd my way to the bar. He had a seat for me at the bar and already had a tasty Boulevard waiting for me. It's the little things. I met a couple of his cousins, but I suck at names and there were 5 of them and I was nervous and distracted. It was fun to hang out and have a few drinks and be welcomed. I know he spends a lot of time at that bar and I know he's very close with his cousins. It felt nice to be liked enough to be introduced and welcomed by family. I hate when guys keep me separate from their friends and other parts of their lives, even though I know I am guilty of the same until I really trust someone. I get to that point so rarely and it doesn't help that Matt was the last one in yrs that I trusted enough to introduce to my friends.<br />
<br />
As much as I like Ty, I struggle with really letting go of Matt. I miss that he was my best friend. That he understood Star Wars and that GL screws things up messing with a good thing. He appreciated movies as much as I did, was well read and enjoyed reading, was open to having discussions about religion and politics and anything, was up for going to some random city fair or event, knew how to be an equal to me, knew how to calm me down and how to stay quiet when I was over-reacting about some thing, and just really understood me in a way I hadn't met before. Then I was perusing the new released dvds yesterday and saw The Descendants. We had seen this together at the AMC Best Picture Showcase. We had talked about this and I'd asked if he'd wanna know about a spouse's infidelity on their deathbed. He said no, he'd rather just keep the memory of the person as is. I was torn between yes, the memory is good, but you also wouldn't really know the person. It'd be a lie. And I remember him saying that by the end of the time together, the spouse's lie was irrelevant and would hurt him for no reason. Now that reasoning makes me mad and I wanna know what was he thinking about when we had that discussion. He's told me that part of his reasoning for not telling me even after he decided to get a divorce was because he was hoping to get a divorce without me knowing and then it wouldn't matter. Ugh, I don't hate him and I kinda wish I did, it'd be easier. I dislike that he can be on my mind with the simplest things like seeing a movie at wally mart.<br />
<br />
So Friday night I couldn't stay out too long due to our big Saturday plans. But being the blunt girl that I am, I told Ty that I want to be over Matt, but that he still creeps into my mind. That I don't know if he and I have a future, because Ty and I are pretty different and that all we prolly have is lust, and he may be wasting his time looking for a relationship with me. I don't pull many punches and have been accused of being tactless before, but I feel being upfront is prolly best. <span style="font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif'; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">He didn't say anything and got up and walked away. Just as I was considering leaving he came back over with a beer for me. I tried to kinda apologize for being blunt, but got told to just relax and have a beer. I had another 3 or 4 after that and ended up leaning against him towards the end of the night. By the end of the night, I kinda wished I'd kept my mouth shut. Smile</span>ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-21058323819086123712012-03-22T23:28:00.000-04:002012-03-22T23:28:49.843-04:00I Hurt AlreadyYou know it's a good workout when you hurt 2/3rds of the way through. That was awesome. I made friends too, lol. I'm gonna do another intro workout next week because I am out of shape and can barely pull myself up the pole midway through class without a deep breath and serious "you can do it" pep talks to myself. I'd never met this teacher before, but she is much more about the sexiness drawing from not just the spin/trick, but the grace. I actually liked her more than my previous teacher. I could use a lot of work in the grace dept, lol, I kinda think I'm awkward walking from the copy machine to my desk at work.<br />
<br />
The women's only clubness was fun too. Like no one cares about 10 minutes in and there is lots of talking and laughing. Size has no effect on making the moves look pretty and graceful. The more curves/booty just means you have to work less to shake it, lol. I think the women only and friendliness is one of the best thing I've done all month. I pretty much don't have any close female friends around here that aren't married with kids. I assume there are married women with kids here too, but it's in a different area of their lives for about an hour and a half. For that hour and a half they are just the woman next to you whose thighs are red and painful from the pole too and you talk like new friends.<br />
<br />
In other news... phone is lost! Panic Panic! I track it's gps location like the Phone-OCD girl I am. I need it in my hand. What did I do before my precious? It's been in a sketchy area of town (Grandview/Ruskin) all day, but not being used. I left it at work when no one was there except the cleaning crew last night. I just tracked it and it's at my office now! Cleaning crew returning it? I called the cleaning crew company today, who pulled the data on who accessed the bldg after I left. Please, please be at the office tomar! I miss my precious....ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2682703271317495478.post-69540376926927261132012-03-22T01:46:00.001-04:002012-03-22T01:46:52.956-04:00Ungood AnticipationIt's early Thursday morning. I'm exhausted, but not sleeping. I have my pole fitness stuff packed for after work tomorrow and am nervous. I know there are every shape and every level of girls in the intro classes, but still. Self-consciousness sucks, but I don't really know how to move past it besides saying that and that doesn't really help so much as make me think every girl must think that regardless of their actual appearance. Meh, if we compared ourselves to zombie barbie, we'd all feel wonderful about ourselves.<br />
<br />
This week is weird in an ungood way, but not really bad way. Next Monday my mom leaves for her mission trip to Brazil where some old family friends started a church. She's really excited, but she's being weird about making sure I'm on all her bank accounts and safe deposit box and re-evaluating her life insurance and doing her will. It's unnerving to be going over that stuff. It's also odd and comforting and nerve-wracking that my oldest friend Chad is helping her with it because he does that stuff now for some financial company parented by MetLife. It's both comforting and nerve-wracking because I've known Chad so long. Yes, I trust that he will take care of my mom, but I also have known him long enough to know he is an optimistic kool-aid drinker. I usually take hard looks at his business decisions. This one seems to be honest and legit, but his boss is still an insurance salesman at the end of the day.<br />
<br />
Next Monday is also my dad's birthday. This is the root of the emotional problems this week if I'm honest. This Saturday my mom has these plans... she's always 100 mph and doesn't really understand what a Saturday is for and this is only accentuated by her limited time before she leaves the country for a week and a half. My Saturday will start at 8am at the tractor shop for an open house thing to work out a deal to trade our grasshopper in for a newer one. I have this odd trait of personifying inanimate objects, so I'm all weird in feeling bad for our mower which has been a good mower, like it's a pet or something. I dunno, that feeling is there, but it's not even a real factor to this weekend.<br />
<br />
My dad died 4 yrs ago this August when he had the mower up on a jack and the jack slipped. It knocked him out and the lip of mowing deck laid against his carotid just enough. Freak home accident- if he hadn't been knocked out he could lift it off with one hand and if it had landed just a little differently he'd have had a bruise. I don't attach memories of that night with the mower, but it's an odd way to start this Saturday considering the rest of the day. After we check out the mowers, I have a hair appt, then bank paper signing, and then off to two sets of woods with my dad's ashes. We took some to Alaska this last summer, but he always wanted the majority to be in our field and where he deer hunted at. My mom wants to finish this before she leaves, so the Saturday before his birthday we are going to our field/woods and his friend's. Thinking of this makes me hold back tears right now. <br />
<br />
I feel over-dramatic that Saturday is still days away and I'm focused on it and emotional. Part of me wants to tell myself that it's been 4 yrs and another part of me wants to cry like a little girl that it has actually been 4 yrs. I always get my dad yellow roses on his birthday, but I start to tear up a bit at the idea of bringing them home to a completely empty house with my mom gone too, even though I know she's just on a plane with friends. Birthdays and holidays are the worst for me. Still I feel I'm worst than I expected right now. I'd guess just with other circumstances and my mom's will and future planning doesn't help much either. I haven't decided if I'm gonna try and find someone to go to dinner with that night and avoid some loneliness or stay home, because I can also see myself wanting to avoid others too.<br />
<br />
Typing things does help in figuring out the issue. I'm stressed with anticipation tonight. I am taking a sleeping pill tomorrow if this keeps up. I'm so tired and had trouble driving home, but laid in bed for two hours before typing this.Time to try again.ThoseDroids?http://www.blogger.com/profile/05774842790361013762noreply@blogger.com0