Ungood Anticipation

It's early Thursday morning. I'm exhausted, but not sleeping. I have my pole fitness stuff packed for after work tomorrow and am nervous. I know there are every shape and every level of girls in the intro classes, but still. Self-consciousness sucks, but I don't really know how to move past it besides saying that and that doesn't really help so much as make me think every girl must think that regardless of their actual appearance. Meh, if we compared ourselves to zombie barbie, we'd all feel wonderful about ourselves.

This week is weird in an ungood way, but not really bad way. Next Monday my mom leaves for her mission trip to Brazil where some old family friends started a church. She's really excited, but she's being weird about making sure I'm on all her bank accounts and safe deposit box and re-evaluating her life insurance and doing her will. It's unnerving to be going over that stuff. It's also odd and comforting and nerve-wracking that my oldest friend Chad is helping her with it because he does that stuff now for some financial company parented by MetLife. It's both comforting and nerve-wracking because I've known Chad so long. Yes, I trust that he will take care of my mom, but I also have known him long enough to know he is an optimistic kool-aid drinker. I usually take hard looks at his business decisions. This one seems to be honest and legit, but his boss is still an insurance salesman at the end of the day.

Next Monday is also my dad's birthday. This is the root of the emotional problems this week if I'm honest. This Saturday my mom has these plans... she's always 100 mph and doesn't really understand what a Saturday is for and this is only accentuated by her limited time before she leaves the country for a week and a half. My Saturday will start at 8am at the tractor shop for an open house thing to work out a deal to trade our grasshopper in for a newer one. I have this odd trait of personifying inanimate objects, so I'm all weird in feeling bad for our mower which has been a good mower, like it's a pet or something. I dunno, that feeling is there, but it's not even a real factor to this weekend.

My dad died 4 yrs ago this August when he had the mower up on a jack and the jack slipped. It knocked him out and the lip of mowing deck laid against his carotid just enough. Freak home accident- if he hadn't been knocked out he could lift it off with one hand and if it had landed just a little differently he'd have had a bruise. I don't attach memories of that night with the mower, but it's an odd way to start this Saturday considering the rest of the day. After we check out the mowers, I have a hair appt, then bank paper signing, and then off to two sets of woods with my dad's ashes. We took some to Alaska this last summer, but he always wanted the majority to be in our field and where he deer hunted at. My mom wants to finish this before she leaves, so the Saturday before his birthday we are going to our field/woods and his friend's. Thinking of this makes me hold back tears right now.

I feel over-dramatic that Saturday is still days away and I'm focused on it and emotional. Part of me wants to tell myself that it's been 4 yrs and another part of me wants to cry like a little girl that it has actually been 4 yrs. I always get my dad yellow roses on his birthday, but I start to tear up a bit at the idea of bringing them home to a completely empty house with my mom gone too, even though I know she's just on a plane with friends. Birthdays and holidays are the worst for me. Still I feel I'm worst than I expected right now. I'd guess just with other circumstances and my mom's will and future planning doesn't help much either. I haven't decided if I'm gonna try and find someone to go to dinner with that night and avoid some loneliness or stay home, because I can also see myself wanting to avoid others too.

Typing things does help in figuring out the issue. I'm stressed with anticipation tonight. I am taking a sleeping pill tomorrow if this keeps up. I'm so tired and had trouble driving home, but laid in bed for two hours before typing this.Time to try again.

Pretty

It's almost tomorrow and prolly will be when I actually post this which means I'll be tired and unmotivated at work tomorrow. Again. Meh. I just finished using my groupon with E.L.F make up and scored a $30 brush kit for $3. I want my new pretties now.

Earlier I was looking up good pole dancing/stripper songs... no, not seeking a new profession. I took up pole dancing fitness last spring and along with some p90x (ok, I never really made it through that, but recommend it based on what I did) and some yoga classes, I was in awesome shape. Then I slowly dropped all of it because it cramped into new relationship time and then I started baking/cooking yummy foods for him that would invariably be cancelled on and I would eat more than I should because I hate to waste food. I made a ridiculous strawberry shortcake from scratch and homemade whip cream in January that I ate for a couple meals because it wasn't really meant to last. Needless to say, I gained some weight. Couple that with my tendency to get bored with most workout routines (if you can call them that with the infrequency I follow them) and I need something that is both fun, workout-ish (oh, it is, but it's a lot of fun too) and makes me feel silly sexy sometimes, while also defying gravity occasionally. So I called one of the girls and have my first class in 10 months on Thursday. Then I'm gonna try and come in a couple times next week and work by myself, which is why I wanted music.

So now that you know a different side of me... back to music. I am weird and like classic rock and metal songs when most girls choose sexy slow songs. They're alright. I was you tubing and googling for songs and went from Rammstein's Sonne and Godsmack's Voodoo to Clarence Carter's Strokin. I started cracking up though at the you tube video of Strokin'. I'm almost positive that the phallic clay-mation puppet is the original video. Just take a look and tell me you're not like "wth? claymation? really? from gumbi to this?" I also snickered quite a bit when he's repeating his own name a couple times.

Less silliness... I knew Matt's parents were in town for a marriage intervention, lol. Indecisiveness has always pissed me off for some reason. I think that actually helped me. So maybe it worked though, because this was Matt-free weekend and Monday. It was nice. Less stressful than I expected. I didn't realized how stressed he made me. It was really nice.

Divorced coworker that I have almost shamelessly thrown myself at finally told me that he's not going to sleep with me, because he wants to be more than a rebound. That's sweet in retrospect, but I lashed out a little about not being some fragile lil girl and able to make my own decisions and his overconfidence in thinking he knows me and what I want/need. I eventually apologized and then flirted my way into a potential date next week... kinda. I got him to agree to let me tag along to his cousin's bar for Friday's Sweet 16 games. I'm not sure it counts, but I'll be pretty! Lol.

Seems like more time has passed

What a good week! So I was suddenly ok with almost everything on Monday. This is admittedly due to the focus on the meetings at work. All our VPs and higher than me folk were in town. I know that I messed stuff up last week and that is all that anyone remembers this week, ugh. So Monday and part of Tuesday were basically complaints about what I should do differently. Part of me didn't really care and was willing to agree/placate them on every dumb issue. Then there were some total BS issues from the sales douchebags. Made me mad and I got some fight back and that was actually good for me even though I was a little nervous about it after I cooled down, lol. In the end I said I'm basically training a new girl this week to take over that side of my job and hopefully in a week or two my less-than-chirpy phone voice won't be an issue. We got a new girl after last week's near mutiny by Aja (other office minion) and myself. Yay, my life is hopefully getting a lil less stressful by April.

After they all left to go back to their various factory/warehouses around the US, things calmed down. New girl is slow and a little annoying, but I'm a little desperate for her to work out too. Then the NCAA tourney started! Drinking Thursday night and flirting with nice boys at the bar meant a wicked hangover this morning. I was an hour late for work, thankfully my boss is on vacay today, lol.

Matt IMed me in Tuesday to tell me that he was forced into making the phone call... yeah, I called that one. Apparently, she said that if he didn't stick it out with her, she'd seek sole custody. He's been bugging me the last couple days to tell him why I want him to reconcile and what I want as a friend and what I'd want if I was being completely selfish and had everything I wanted. Meh, I finally told him today that I wasn't ever gonna get around to answering because it was a waste of time in my head. I have been jerked around too much and somehow after my soap cry and tears thinking of everything in bed Sunday night, I moved on in a way. I killed it and moved him into a friends at best category. Odd to just move those feelings and to even be able to fathom a future together anymore. He's convinced that he needs to just take his chances and get the divorce that he's been asking for for the last year and a half. Whatever, I told him I was kinda ok and almost happy with him in a friends category, just don't think I'd ever wanna be in a relationship with someone I'd be wondering about months and years from now when I get boring.

More than Soap

So part of the reason a weekend away was a good idea was to be away from my mother who happened to be midway through her two week vacation during all this. Her constant prying and chirpiness and telling me that whatever it is, if I pray it'll all work out. Uh huh, I was raised with that and while I'm not knocking anyone's beliefs here, I get a little irritated with that phrase of hers. Regardless, I'm still gonna be living through it and it doesn't always automatically get better with prayer, imo. Sorry if I offend anyone, I'm not trying to and if I am it probably means I'm not explaining my feelings on the subject very well.

So anyhow, I get home Sunday afternoon, watch an episode of Game of Thrones and then head upstairs to unpack my junk. 'Oh shit' moment occurs when I turn on my bedroom light. She has gone through my entire room and bathroom. I know she means well, but seriously?? I needed space and that somehow translated to 'please, go through every inch of the one private space I have'. I'm trying to be calm and I'm trying to think of everything in my room I wouldn't want my mother to find and hoping we leave any of such things as a 'no discuss' point. Then I have to shake off that feeling with a "well, you might find things you shouldn't, if you go through someone's bedroom."

I think I am ok until I can't find the soap in my bathroom. I love my mother; I really do. But where could the soap possibly have "needed" to go. I know from my childhood that this does not have to be a logical place, but I look anyway. Could she have put the soap in any of the vanity drawers? Nope. Would it have been placed somewhere in the great abyss closet outside the bathroom? Not that I can see, but I'm unsure really. Hmm, could it have been placed in the shower?? Nope, not there either. OMG, I'm about to lose it because I can't find soap! I mean seriously lose it, like this is all too much and something's gotta snap at some point. I am feeling like everything is spinning out of control. I lost a bf, who I hated, but still loved, then when I was working through that I managed to reunite him with his wife, who I foolishly stressed myself out more by meeting, nothing is where I left it in the comforting place of my own bedroom, and I can't find anything... including soap! I finally ask through many deep breaths where the soap went. I have to give a description... it's a pump bottle with a green lid and minty smelling. I am handed a green bar of soap from the abyss closet... more deep breaths. I am about to give up, when she's like, "is it the one downstairs in cabinet under the mudroom bathroom sink?" That's right, that's where the soap was... finding my soap made me want to cry.

I should be paid for my skills

So I convinced them to work it out. He called me while I was out at dinner with some friends to tell me that he'd been thinking about what I said and he asked Erin about counseling/divorce counseling and she said she wanted to be honest and try and work out their marriage for B. So he is going to try and be the best husband and father he can be and they're going to try couples counseling. I think he wanted me to say something more, but all I could say was "Ok, well good. I think you should give it your best try. If anything I'm irritated you didn't come to this conclusion sooner." Then we wished each other luck and I said bye and hung up... I could hear B crying in the background. I don't know whether to expect an email or message on Monday when he's not being forced to make a phone call in her presence, but I don't care anymore. I can't handle being jerked around like this. I felt betrayed before, but this time I kinda feel like I got dumped somehow. I was doing so good and then let this hope come in and then now it is loss all over again. What the hell is wrong with me that I attract these people? Why did I continue to stay involved with them??

Breakfast with Him, Lunch with Her

Ok, so I dunno what I was thinking, but I invited him over to the hotel last night when he was done moving to talk. He went out drinking with his new roommate for a couple hours before coming here, so he didn't come over until about 1am. He kept asking if I was ok with him coming over. I told him I felt strong enough and could have a normal conversation with him if he'd like and that was all that would happen.

Ok, so it was alright. We talked until about 5am about what he was gonna change, what our boundaries were and he told me the full story of his and Erin's story. From when they first met in undergrad as friends to current... I don't really know why I asked for this story, but it was something I really wanted. He's not a bad guy. Good guys screw up too. I'd done some internetin' the past couple days and we started talking about what he thought his vows meant and that I think she still loves him and would probably try again if he asked. He said he didn't love her as anything more than a friend and as B's mother. I asked if he really heard himself, because I guess I think that's kinda what happens in relationships and isn't the end of the world. I asked him if he'd consider counseling with her to find time to work on their relationship as a couple. He's against this and doesn't see the point, so I said maybe after things calm down he should ask her to do divorce counseling and at least find a common friendship since they will continue to deal with each other as parents for graduations, weddings and grandkid birthdays. I don't think he understood why I was playing counselor for him, and I don't think I completely understand either. I guess because I think he should exhaust all options before getting a divorce maybe. It was about 6am when we were both about to fall over, so he slept here.

I met her for lunch at panera at 11:30. She basically told me the same story, although her version edited out their major fights. She admits she was still having lunches and that it is a sexless emotional affair with that guy. That he knows she's married, but they both consider their lunches and dinners as an almost dating relationship. "Their relationship is so f'd up," is what I'm thinking by this point in my head and I'm seriously questioning why I'm involved still. She is telling me that he's been asking her to talk about divorce for about a year and a half. They've only had sex twice since September and the only reason she's refused to discuss it is because of B and every time she thinks of it, she panics and she started seeing a therapist secretly for the last two months. He still thinks her lunch dates ended in November. Then she explained what her life was before him and some pretty horrible graphic stuff happened before he helped her get cleaned up. We talked about the affair and what I did and didn't know then and now. I told her he came over and talked the night before. I told her what we talked about and that he did spend the night. She was upset understandably and then said that as angry as she was, she really missed him when he actually moved out. She asked me if I thought she could try again. What am I supposed to say? "I guess, I mean he's still your husband for the next couple months? Divorce is pretty final. Probably should have tried before now." (KS makes you wait 60 days from filing to set a court date, so there's at least that.) She laughed that I was so blunt and then admitted that she had been happy talking to lunch date guy and that the reason she took this job in KS was because she had done the same thing with a guy in Cali and thought moving would help. What? She told me her dr diagnosed her with depression and that she thinks she's known she's had those issues for a long time.

Hour and a half lunch. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad and with crying. I told her some of my past and we both agreed this was good for us. Honestly, it wasn't far in that I decided to keep my personal stuff mine, that's just how I am. But I ended up opening up a lot more than I thought. I kind of wish we'd met under different circumstances. It was awkward immediately when the order taker guy referred to me as her sister because we look very similar. Weird moments, and apparently Matt has a type. She's maybe got a couple lbs on me and freckles and her hair is about 3 inches shorter. It was interesting. I'm glad I went. Their relationship is messed up and I still hate that I was part of the problem at one point, but I have so much more perspective than before. And maybe it's a little sad, but I hope one day when I find the right guy I have nothing like their relationship. But I really like her and admittedly I still like him. I tell him he should exhaust every last avenue with her, and then say that I have tix to baseball games on these dates and to make sure he can go. So basically, I'm still a confused person, but I feel like I have all sides today. (And secretly, I like hearing other peoples love stories, even the rocky ones. Like every romance starts happy and hopeful and like a sappy romcom, but the details make them interesting.)

My heart

This is Kim... not Tracy. For the first time in a long time. And all I have to say is:

My heart is going to burst out of chest from anxiety and excitement.

That is all.