New Temp... This is #6, Maybe... Lost Track

I think I love our new temp. Her name is Kathryn. She's young... fresh graduate of KU with a psych degree. She's nice and smart and she needs a job. She's still making the drive from Lawrence, but is moving to KC to live with her brother soon. We are already to tell our boss to make her an offer asap... we need to lock this down. I can't handle another bad one. At this time her only fault is that she's young, like 22, and cute and doesn't have to be concerned with my newest discovery that I have to really work to lessen the cushion supporting me on this chair.

She is working on a project that has contributed to the undoing of three previous temps. She is making it pretty and I think my dreams for this project will be realized. It's ugly and I'm thrilled not to be doing it. I am thrilled with the idea that competency really was out there waiting to be discovered. Yay.... now we need to lock it down, lol.

Shoe Epiphany at the Post Office

I love shoes. The higher the better usually, but I'm not overly discriminating over the heights... I'm open-minded kinda. I've been staring at a pair for a long time and finally gave in and gifted myself. I thought they were perfect, but turns out they aren't quite perfect. They're a little too small - my size isn't my size this time. My foot didn't get bigger - the size is a lie... problems of online shoe shopping. Some could even point out - what did I expect from online shopping?

Now I could make them work for a couple hours maybe. They still look good, and you and I would be the only ones to know they're not quite right. But the truth is that I will never be able to love them. I love shoes, and I take care of them and loyally keep them for years, so comfort is important. I have to be able to trust my shoes; trust that they aren't going to faux-cripple me with pain.

So I'm giving up on this pair. Maybe I'll upgrade to another size, afterall; I did like a lot about this pair. Or maybe I'll be looking for that corrected size pair and find a pair I like more. Meanwhile, this pair can't get the amazon return label on it fast enough. Maybe I'll meet the right pair for me online again, or maybe I'll come across him by chance, or maybe through a friend of a friend. I am always an optimistic realist though when it comes to shoes... and such.

Monday... Can't straighten out my thoughts

I am looking forward to seeing old friends in a couple weeks. I think it is a needed thing. I should prolly remind my boss. She is dealing with her husband's newly discovered cancer and I don't need to add to her stress with disappearing one day.

I need to move out sooner than later. I feel like some days are better than others, but there's been a lot more bad than good lately. Sooner is still a couple months away though. I need to handle myself better and remember her feelings.

I don't know what I did. Nice guy I was talking to for two weeks, just stopped messaging or taking calls last Thursday. Not sure if there is something else going on or what. I don't trust it. Maybe it's something like I dropped my phone off the side of a bridge, or maybe it's as simple as moving on to someone else. Awkward and ungood feeling. Stupid boys. Doesn't really matter. I want to know what happened, but then I also realize that I only partially care and have moved on already... kinda.

I hate one of my vendors today. I sent this PO in a month ago and heard nothing. Re-sent it a couple times. Finally talked to a live person and found out that since the shipping address is different than usual, no one did anything with it. WTH? So I resubmit with the requested statement that we have more than one warehouse that can be shipped to, and two days later call back wanting an update. "Yeah, that's not gonna work anymore, someone should have called you. You need to fill out this new customer credit app." We've been doing business with them for about 20 yrs. I will find someone else who can sell me copious amounts of "Wire #16/2 W/UL Class 3 Blue" in the future, and we'll not be doing business for 21 yrs.

Stressed... Stress Relief is Far Away

You know that feeling after a long day at work where all you want to do is relax. I want that sooo f'ing bad lately. Instead I get immediate talking. Talking about junk mail for the last 10 minutes. I know I am being a little short and I know the question of "what is your problem", or some form of it, is coming at any moment. I am hoping to avoid that question. At the same time I want to say, "Quiet! I want f'ing quiet!" OMG, we're saving the Bank of America card because she likes them. She's never used them ever, at least not in my lifetime, but she just states that she likes them while smiling at the stupid card like a little kid who likes a card because it has fireworks or puppies or kitties on the front. I retreat to my room and she follows me to tell me that the neighbor kids mowed the yard today. Is ice cream a bad outlet?

I am tired. No temp and month end and still fixing mistakes from the last temp and hating her even still. Our boss is about to be gone for the rest of the month for her husband's prostrate surgery. She's stressed about her husband's newly found cancer, so we are trying to cover all issues and it's been a crazy couple weeks. Now we've been given free reign on doing our own interviews for our temp.

I am talking to another of Chad's friends lately. I've given up on Ty in a kinda bitchy attitude now. The new boy seems nice... a lil nerdy- a would be teacher, but currently working at a firework warehouse in Columbia. I'm starting to wonder if Chad knows any guys that live around here-ish. But this guy is fun and sweet, but rugged looking, which is fun and yummy. He plays bass in a band too, lol. The problem is that apparently my ideal lay is 2.5 hrs away. Is it wrong for waiting for the other shoe to drop? Like what's wrong with him? Eh, prolly not good, but it's where I'm at. I'm taking it pretty slow with him at this point even on sharing.

Eval Time

So today was a little evaluation of self day...

First thing to realize is that I am a bum. I somehow manage to know what I should do, but don't get up and do it lately. A small for instance is the majority of today. I slept in til 9 and when I finally did get up I put on workout clothes and promptly laid down on the couch for the next 6 hours only getting up for food and a blanket while watching Encino Man, Yes Man, and Old School. I knew I needed to workout and mow the yard and do laundry today, but I have reverted back to not being adult enough to do things I need to do or something. I ended up mowing 2/3rds of the yard before running out of gas and only because I knew I'd hear the question "What did you do today?" This is so not good on so many levels and extends into my work as well, if I'm honest.

Another thing that I'm not happy with is my high school girl way of valuing myself lately based on others. I wasn't even like this in high school, maybe junior high. I have become obsessed with whether I am wanted. Wanted by idiot men, but also almost anyone around me too. I have become concerned with whether someone likes me and when is the other shoes gonna drop. Guys, yes, obviously, but also co-workers, my boss, girls at class, and even oldest friends. I realize this insecurity isn't good, but I also don't know how to connect/make it go away. Then I miss the feeling of security I would have with M, which makes me mad because logically I want to point out that I wasn't this neurotic before. Frustrated with self.

I need to figure out what I want. I want a relationship, but I don't feel like I can put any decent amount of effort into one right now. I just don't care enough. I want the satisfaction and security and friendship that comes with most relationships, I just want it right now. I don't want to wait and work to that. I am tired of it all right now. Like haven't I paid my dues yet? I need to lay off pursuing anything until I can figure this out. I am not so good at choosing soundly lately.

I guess basically I need to work on me and how things around me impact me and stop ignoring them with the focus on odd physical relations. We'll see. Admitting that my life is not where I want it is all I can do right now.

I Like Breathing

So I might have... ok, scratch that, I did... begin a sexy texting convo with Charmer last night. I was horny all day and then going to pole class and listening to sexy songs didn't help. I tried texting Ty first with things like, "I am f'ing hot and horny and no one around - blows! and not in a good way at all, lol. Busy?" But no response, which makes me sad and then I found out that that message was read by a random stranger. He left his phone at the gym and when he picked it up this morning it had been 'read'. It should probably be a lesson that every time I try to text something propositional sexy to Ty, it ends up with the wrong person.

So due to no response from Ty, I decide to see what Charmer is up to. He starts off being nice, but as you might tell from my above prop, I am not in the mood for charming stuff. So I start a discussion I'd not want my mom to read. Seems well enough, I like this guy and I will probably only use him anyway, so why not? Eh, maybe because when I push for what would he really want to do with a girl, a good fantasy that he's always wanted, but never asked for... "I want to cum on your face and stick my fingers in your mouth to gag you....."

Yeah... I got nothing. What do you say? So, yeah, I know I said I would be open to considering your fantasies, but that.... you really want to choke me while I'm taking a cum shower?? I mean, uh, we have to get to know each other waaay better before I even consider you choking me being ok. Waaaay better to even consider it and even then... ehhh, I like breathing. I bailed. I didn't respond. To myself, I was like "Oh, look at that - not horny anymore" and went to sleep.

Can I even back this up to a time when it wasn't too much? He seemed decent before that. I still want to get laid, but I've gotten the impression from today's handful of texts that he thinks that since he mentioned it, it can happen. Like I said, I like breathing. I'm just gonna say it, I like breathing more than getting laid, lol. I'll admit that while it might be okay and even enjoyed by some, to me it seems a little f'd up that you want to do that to a girl you are having sex with. To each their own. I don't judge much, but this isn't for me. And cum in the eyes burns?

Slightly sorry for this rather... I dunno, something ungood, post. This killed it for me, I am unhorny today as I keep imagining being gagged by hairy knuckled fingers in my mouth while taking a cum shower. It's both hilarious and disturbing, but not sexy. I'm sorry I asked. I'm going home to plan activities for a church camp this summer. That sounds waay safer of a Friday night.

I'm Ok with Indecisiveness This Time....

Mmm, I had fun last weekend and this week. I ended up having lunch with the girls instead of dinner, because one of them had to pack for a Saturday funeral in StL and I had a potential blind date with one of Chad's friends. So I drive to the restaurant/bar that I am supposed to meet this guy and Chad is there instead. He said he decided against setting this guy up with me and instead had invited 4 other friends to meet here too. So after quite a few drinks and a round of appetizers, my would-be date shows up late and is pissed because Chad never told him not to come. Kinda awkward and hilarious admittedly.

So excessive drinking and two bars later I kept dropping my phone on the bar, so I let out a "Gorram it!" One of Chad's friends asked me what I said and I repeated it and was rewarded with a weird head hug while on the barstool. He knew I quoted Firefly, so we began talking. Meanwhile I am super drunk horny girl texting the hell outta Ty. One embarrassing moment came when I realized I'd finalyy outright propositioned him, only I had somehow managed to switch convos and had texted my co-worker, Aja. Hilarious and embarassing, mostly hilarious.

So I have pretty much gotten Ty to agree that this waiting shit needs to be over and that my drunk ass will find a way to him tonight. I know, not my most shining moment. I wanna get laid soo bad though. Like painfully bad horny even today. Back to the potentially nice boy talking to me at the bar. he's ok, but I am wary, then Chad texts me and tells me that I should not sleep with him because he is a charmer, but then after a bit it's over and he likes this guy and would hate to have to bury him. I think this is slightly hilarious, because normally I'm the dangerous one to any guy, but Chad is sweet and thinks/knows I am maybe fragile in my attachments. So I lay off a bit and we all go back to the apartment and hang out. Eventually people leave and it is just Chad, myself, charmer and the guy who let Chad's gay brother give him an hour calf massage in the hot tub last summer. Chad grabs me to take me to bed and I am ok with this, and we've always had a tense friends relationship, but I'm the one who always says "no" because I am worried I'l have feelings. But horniness wins out and I tell him "no feelings here, just horny". I'm an idiot and don't think until the apt shakes with a slammed door as Charmer leaves.

I kinda liked Charmer, he was nice and well, charming. I gave him my number and that's rare. I mean he knew FireFly quotes.... lol, I'm such an easy nerd. I figure I'm never gonna hear from him and I don't really blame him. I did however get a late night text Sunday as I drove home from a friends Game of Thrones watching. I've talked to him most days this week, although, I put the brakes on yesterday to see what he would do. He waited most of the day and stilll eventually texted me. I know that's dumb and silly, but I like that I'm not the sole person putting in effort even if it's a small thing like that. Downside.... he lives in Columbia, which is over 2 hours away. He'd only come in for the weekend to visit.

Meanwhile, Ty has finally started putting in some real effort and is pushing pretty hard for an evening of drinks or whatever now. I feel a little bad pulling them both along, but not really. I kind want to be slutty and have them both... not forever or even more than a few weeks, but I don't see either really being long-term either.