Just another Update

About large, life-shattering events...  :)

Yesterday, I signed the divorce papers with my ex. Woot! There are several reasons to be excited here.

1. When I saw the ex for the first time in months, all I really felt was disgust, and a little irritation that he hadn't completed the paperwork like I had wanted him to. (He finished the basic stuff, but he didn't write up our monetary agreement, so I had to do that for him. *sigh* I swear, I shouldn't have to baby any male who is not having sex with me.)
2. I am on the way to being completely separate from him. Not just by continents, but by paperwork, and a certificate. And soon thereafter, no house.
3. Boys who I date will be less nervous about dating me if I have the paperwork signed. Yay!

I didn't have to break up with the boy because he didn't cancel on me!! I feel like dancing with this one. Or jumping. Up and Down.... I'll stop elaborating now.


Second session of therapy went really well. I felt like I was vindicated in a lot of my goals and beliefs. I also didn't cry this time (yay, I hate crying!). It went so well, she asked if I wanted to do sessions every week or every-other week. I told her let's stick with every week for now. Because while Monday was a good day, the weekend kind of sucked, and a lot of what got me through it was knowing I was going to be able to talk to her on Monday.  I also feel like, if I'm not so utterly depressed or panicked, I tend to gloss over things. I'm just used to not wanting other people to worry. In fact, I hate it when other people worry, or pity me. Or even worse, if I do tell them, they think I'm exaggerating.


Speaking of, I went out with a large group of friends last night, before the boy came out. I mentioned, just a short while before the boy came out that he was coming out, and they all started teasing me. I know they were teasing and didn't mean anything by any of it, but somehow it kicked off a panic attack. And when I realized I was having a panic attack... in public, it got worse, a lot worse. Before I knew it, I was hyperventilating, and asking for another car bomb, asap.




***Big Medical Breakthrough!!!! Irish Car Bombs are the cure to panic attacks. I immediately felt better.*** It's just too bad I can't have Irish Car Bombs at work, because besides the eventual consequences of kidney problems and possible alcoholism, my problems would be solved.



Back on topic, only one person really noticed that I was upset. Today, I tried to kind of apologize and explain that a panic attack isn't really just from one thing. I kind of got a side-ways look and I just stopped talking.

True, I can control mine better than a lot of people. Just because I don't have hysterics or pass out when I have one, doesn't mean I'm not having one. Part of that is worrying about how stupid I might look. I'm happy to realize they didn't really notice, but I think it sucks that they might think I was exaggerating. That's what I get for thinking an explanation/apology might be pertinent.

That's my update for today. Other than feeling like I've been having a panic attack all afternoon (ugh, I haven't had one of these for days...), things are going well. I'll be going back to college for our homecoming this weekend. I'm sure I will have stories and pictures from that!

Calmer? Not really...

I re-read yesterday's post and wanted to hide in shame from the girly silliness of it all. However, I've resolved not to erase any posts no matter how much I might regret them in the future. This is my chronicling of recovery, and I don't want to gloss over my silly/embarrassing moments and give someone else the idea that my road to normalcy was all easy, fun, and nice. Then they might feel stupid about their own weaknesses.

Yes, my idealistic goals of this blog (besides my selfish reasons of cathartic release from writing), is the hope that this blog will help some poor girl in the future who might be going through the same thing. If she gets to laugh at or with me in the process, then my goal has truly been achieved. (Or guy, a guy could do this too... seems less likely... hmmm)




Ok, that was a nice break to reiterate my goals and hopes for this blog, now on to the update and new things I'm worrying about today.

Using the advice of my BFF and her boyfriend last night, I asked the boy on a couple dates (because it turns out I can't stand limbo and this is what I wanted to do anyway, not wait on him.... it was pointed out to me that I am an organizer not a participator, and any guy who I like better like that about me, because being placid and letting him organize will not last for very long in any relationship with me).

So, I asked him to hang out and watch a movie tonight (Shaolin Soccer if you were wondering), and I asked if he'd like to go with my group of friends to the Delmont Apple Festival on Saturday. The Saturday thing is kinda  a big deal as he'll be meeting a large majority of my Pittsburgh friends. He seems excited about both and excited I asked him. So that takes care of that fear. As the BFF's boyfriend pointed out, if he didn't want to see me he would've made up some excuse not to.

Other than nervous, happiness about seeing him tonight, and introducing him to the friends, I'm a lot more calm about dating in general. My friends are right, if he wasn't happy to see me, he wouldn't agree to stuff. And if I want to see him and want to ask, I should just ask.

So what am I not calm about today? Doc, on Monday, said the next time I felt a panic attack coming on, I should try to evaluate why I feel scared and write it down. (Journal, whatever. I told her I blog, I'm not writing multiple things).

I feel like I'm having a panic attack right now, and after thinking about it, here's why:

• There's a lot of things I haven't told boy b/c they haven't come up and they're not pleasant things to talk about. I probably wouldn't worry about telling him for a little while still (I mean we've only been dating for a week and a half), but they're coming to a point where if I don't tell him why I'm doing something, I'll be lying

These things are:
1. I own a house with my ex-husband that I need to get fixed up and sell.
2. I haven't signed the divorce papers yet. This is my ex-husband's fault, hopefully this gets done in the next couple weeks. It then takes 90 (business?) days to be filed and processed in PA.
3. I'll be out of town all next weekend (this one's not that big of deal, just need to mention it).
4. And the big one.... Ex-husband said he's trying to come back to the US for a couple weeks so we can sign the divorce papers, etc.

• The big one... this is new news, and hopefully doesn't affect anything, except that I don't want to see him. I feel like he's invading my calm world. (Ok, it's not that calm, but it's getting calmer every day, and I feel like he's interfering with that). I don't know how people who have to normally live in the same city as their ex do it. I can't even stomach the thought of him on the same continent as me yet.

You may be thinking, why is she so panicky about the ex being in town, it's not like she has to see him. So here's the deal. He's a master manipulator. I can tell you that his main goal in coming back to the US now is not to sign divorce papers with me... we could do that via the mail even though it might be slower. His main goal is to come back and try to gather support with friends and try to prove to them that I'm "not mad with him". He'll do this by trying to trap me in situations where he knows I won't want to react emotionally. How will he do this? By getting invited to activities and not telling me he's coming. So it'll be like * surprise!, you thought you were going to relax and have fun today, and now that you're here and can't gracefully get out of the situation, he's going to try and prove how "friendly" you both are*

Now, you may be thinking, surely she is overreacting. Maybe, but I doubt it. I know him very well. I knew when he was cheating on me, though I kept denying it... I could always finish his sentences, or even say them before he said them, I've seen him do stuff like this to other people. The only hope I have is that friends will have the courtesy to warn me if they invite him to things, so I can bail.

I've evaluated why I'm having a panic attack... did it help? nope. Thanks Doc. :P

The Crazies

Despite reassurances given by multiple people, I was pretty sure I wasn't going crazy even before my new therapist said so. (Though it did give me pause that they felt the urge to tell me I wasn't...)

Yesterday, I went to a psychologist for the first time ever. Ever, ever.

How was it? Devastating was the first word that came to mind. Doc (that's what I'm going to call her) was very good at poking and prodding subjects that I had been doing a pretty good job of ignoring. I felt emotionally drained, beat-up, but better for having talking about a lot of stuff that I didn't feel comfortable talking about with friends (or even you dear readers).

Observations from a first timer:

• There was a couch! I didn't lie down on the couch, but I sat on it. Still, way to fulfill my stereotype expectations!
• Super Awkward - Umm, you're talking to a stranger about some of your most private stuff. I don't typically like talking about my emotions (*cough* except in the anonymous forum of my blog apparently), at least the negative ones I usually keep to myself. I like to make people's days brighter, I'm not a complainer. So though I feel super awkward confessing my deepest fears to a stranger, it's a relief to be able to talk about them and not feel guilty about bringing someone else's day down. 
• I don't really know the difference between Counselors, Therapists, Psychologists and Psychiatrists. So I'll probably call Doc all or any of those. To clarify though for future reference, she is a Psychologist.
• Even when I'm feeling super emotionally unstable, I'm apparently still more stable than most people. (eg, I never, ever thought about suicide; I realize that my panic attacks are panic attacks and though I can't stop them I know they'll pass; I know that one day I will feel better and that going to Therapy is one step along that path.) Side Rant: I feel really disgusted with people who think suicide is an answer. Even considering it is cowardly and stupid. How could you be so disdainful of this gift that is life?? Even if you don't believe in God (actually maybe especially if you don't believe in God), you shouldn't even think about wasting this chance to live and love on the Earth. If you ever consider suicide, send me a message, I'll yell you straight! ***Disclaimer- this might actually be a bad idea because I would definitely tell you how stupid you're being and that seems like it might have an opposite effect.

So do I recommend therapy/psychology, whatever? Right now, sure. In a couple weeks, I don't know... I guess we'll find out. :)