Love vs Drama

I realize, as I write this, ok maybe a little before I write this.... that I only write bad things about boy2 on here. It goes back to only wanting to write on this blog when I'm unhappy. So the goal of this blog post is, after complaining, I will list some of the reasons I'm in love with boy2.

But first to get rid of the Drama.

I teased boy2 about the boyfriend girlfriend thing again. I really don't know why I do this. I don't actually care that much about the boyfriend/girlfriend title. Except in terms the public acknowledgment that the titles represent. On that note, I don't know how much public acknowledgement I want to do, you know? What does that mean? Facebook official? Eugh. But I want him to want me to publicly acknowledge him, and I want him to want to publicly acknowledge me. (As a friend put it, I want him to want to scream it from the mountaintops.)

Feelings are complicated.

Ok, back to the story. So I teased him, and it got uncomfortable quick. He said something along the lines of, "I love you, you are the girlfriend without the title. Can we just leave it at that? Assigning titles just fucks stuff up. Things are so great right now."

Yeah, I was upset. I asked him why it would fuck things up and he asked me not to push it. Really?? So I didn't talk to him yesterday. Not really, anyway. And I drank, a lot. But apparently my being upset made him upset enough that he drank on Saturday night. I call this a good sign. Why is it a good sign if he's upset? Because it means he cares. Ok, that sounds crazy girl. It might be crazy girl. But seriously, don't push it??

We've talked a couple times this morning. He's hung over (right now, as I'm writing this.) I explained that I was upset because he won't talk to me about his previous relationships and he said he didn't see why he should and I said "because it's affecting us! There's obviously a reason you think calling me your girlfriend is going to fuck things up and it's not fair to not talk about it if I ask." There was a long pause, and he said "Touche".

I dropped it. I'll bring it back up later, and maybe I'll even write about it. I'm sure we'll resolve things this time. How do I end up with guys who are almost as fucked up as I am. That doesn't seem fair, I deserve a guy that's steady and can handle my crazy girl moments, they're gonna happen, see above for reference.

Still, you get to be my age, and everyone has baggage. And we're finding out each others as we go along. I mean, I was happy he was unhappy today. That's pretty messed up. Thank you, How I Met Your Mother. That show is full of life lessons.

As promised, things I love about boy2.

• Talking. I have never wanted to talk to a guy so much or so often. On the phone! I don't like talking to my best friends on the phone. Seriously, only person I've ever wanted to talk to on the phone.
• He tells me he loves me all the time.
• He tells me I'm beautiful and cute and smart and wonderful.
• His taste in movies and TV shows is pretty awesome.
• He kinda likes my cat, despite being severely allergic to her.
• He makes me laugh.
• We eat muffins the same way (gotta eat the top off first).  ;)
• He told me I'm even cute when I whine (lol!!!)
• He's cute, and a little cocky, in a kinda self-conscious way, which I find endearing.
• He told me Thank You for making him try new things. 
• He's dependable and reliable.
• He makes me feel wanted and loved.

So, yeah, I'm upset about the boyfriend/girlfriend title thing. But for now, I'm ok. We'll either work it out or it will build up, ball up, with a whole bunch of other things that will eventually lead to a breakup. I hope it doesn't come to that. I love him. :)

Update 12-7-11

Wooo. A lot has happened in the last couple of days. When I wrote the "Random" post I was drunk. 3 beers and a make-out session later. Prompted by a devastating visit to the shrink. I say devastating just because that's how I feel emotionally when she gets done with me. Better, more stable, more able to take on the world, but devastated. It's probably because she can always make me cry when I need to. If you remember a couple posts back I was having problems with that. Well, I got that out of the way as of Monday!

But yeah, so after the cry fest, and deciding that I needed to see her again next week as opposed to waiting 2 weeks, I needed a beer and some dinner. I got both sitting next to a cute guy. We started talking and hit it off. A little. Ok, I kinda just wanted to see what it was like to pick a guy up at the bar. ;) He hasn't called and I'm cool with that. But it really did remind me that I wanted to date.

I had a revelation the other day. I realized that I can trust a guy to love me, but it's going to be a lot of work to believe that he will continue to love me. Yeah.... that sucks. That I'll always be wondering when a guy will want to leave me. Will I ever feel secure enough to get married again? I'd like to think so. Hopefully, this is just for now....

So, even though boy2 and I are good again, seemingly. I got onto OkCupid for the fun of it. Wow, the response was overwhelming. I like being told how pretty I am and awesome and all that stuff, but it means there's a lot to wade through as far as choice right now. Seriously, am I complaining that I have my choice of boys to date? Yes I am, it's a lot of reading! Besides, I like reading the personality question things and that takes a looong time.

Do I plan on dating another person? I think so. Boy2 hasn't asked for any kind of commitment. What will I do when that first conflict happens? Will I tell boy2 that I've got a date? I think I would have to... I don't want to lie to him (*cough* any more then I have via omission). Yeah, I feel really weird about it, but the shrink keeps telling me it's his own fault for not asking me to commit.

So now it's Wednesday, I don't have plans for tonight. Tomorrow is boy2's b-day, I might or might not have plans with him. If I don't, I have a Christmas Party to go to. :) So what am I going to do tonight? Maybe I'll get to watch Serenity like I've been meaning to. (Nope never seen it! Can't wait!)

Sticking to my guns...

(11:21pm Sunday)
I think I got two metaphors mixed up there... Still.

I am angry. I will not give in and text or call him. I want an apology. He was a dick to me.

He was half asleep... Might not even remember being a dick, or why I'm pissed at him.

Still, he knows I'm pissed at him. Why do guys always think it's a good idea to leave a girl alone when she's pissed? Maybe for a little while, after that I want to be pursued, apologized to and hugged. Hell, it probably wouldn't have gotten to the pissed stage if I had received a hug and a sorry almost immediately...

Maybe I could just text him "hey..." let him know I'm open to a coversation if he'd like to start apologizing.
But if I do that I lose all my power right?

Why am I even worried about it? I said I wanted to break up with him. This fight is as good of an opportunity as any. Is it just because I hate conflict this much? Maybe it's just that I want to make it clear why I'm pissed. Maybe I actually like him more then I've been willing to admit.

Dammit no, the sex still isn't that good. I want to date other guys, but I like having him around too. That's not fair.

I want him to want to contact me. So I can tell him he's a dick and he can apologize and then what? Grrr...
What if he didn't apologize? That would be bullsh*t and I wouldn't stand for it right? right?

I thought he would've called by now... (pitiful)

Update(2:41pm the Monday): I have to admit I broke down and texted him. Still I feel like my text was borderline. "Hey... you can call me if you want."

He did call about 20 minutes later. It wasn't the best conversation. With him telling me he wasn't going to change and me telling him I didn't care if he changed, but it didn't mean he could treat me like crap either... Yeah... He said he'd text me in the morning. No text. So if I don't hear from him today can I assume we're not dating anymore? Or do I have to actually say the words?

I don't know...

I don't know what to do with "our" stuff if it's not generic. For example, the Christmas ornaments we were collecting together where we wrote what we were doing and why we got it.

Do I throw them away? Keep them tucked away somewhere? I know what everyone says. Do what you feel like doing. I don't know what I feel like doing though. Part of me wants to trash them. Part of me thinks I might regret trashing what are essentially reminders of happy times. Like when we cruised with friends, it wasn't just the ex and I on that cruise...

I'm exhausted. Today was unexpectedly emotional. I feel all torn up inside and my stomach is still way upset. I'm supposed to do a late dinner with boy2, and I'm not even remotely close to hungry.

I didn't expect to be too overly upset at Christmas time. It was always more my thing anyways.

New stipulation in what I want in a boy- I want him to want to participate in Christmas. You know, putting up Christmas Lights, picking out a tree, music and gift exchanging. Just like other adventures, I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him along.

Btw, I should be upset or irritated that boy2's dinner date night has been delayed so much shouldn't I? I'm really not though... Thinking about taking a nap. If I see him tonight great. If not, I'm ok with that too. I should probably break up with him since I'm so cool with this.

The problem with holding stuff in....

is sometimes it bursts out all at once. That's what everyone warns you about at least.

Another side effect I've noticed is that sometimes you want to let it out. Like late at night when you can't sleep because of the vicious circular thoughts going through your brain and you know if you could just cry it would lance some of the poison. But you can't cry. You've gotten so used to holding it all in, that no matter how much it hurts you can't get those tears to start and you just lie there, sick with disgust for yourself and fear that you won't be able to cry ever again.

If you stay up long enough, you can cry from exhaustion if nothing else. But it's not the satisfying, soul cleansing cry you need.

There are bad days and there are good days. This happens to be a bad day (which is why I'm writing!). With little to no sleep, stressed out about work, I overslept through 3 alarms, and barely made it in time for an all morning Ethics meeting, with no breakfast or coffee in me.

When I got an email asking for a progress update, I basically responded with a FOAD, (without the curse words). Luckily, I CCed my boss who had been complaining about this same issue and he backed me up! Yay for a good boss!

Nonetheless, it's the end of another day, and I really need that cry. That and some sleep. And a hug, I'd really like a hug. What do I have to do to get a goddamn hug around here?

On being a nerd...

I grew up nerdy. I read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy. I read a lot, period. I loved my Dad's book from National Geographic called, "The Universe". I wore glasses. I was teased a lot. I started out as an extremely outgoing little girl, but the longer I was in school the shyer and more introverted I became. I figured the quieter I was the less I would be teased about my "weird" ideas. I was the type of girls that liked to ask uncomfortable questions, like the sophist classic "What if I'm the only real person here? That would mean you're a figment of my imagination." These questions don't make 7 year old's like you.

My quietness, by the time I reached High School, had started to come off as bitchiness. I didn't know how to respond when guys flirted with me, it felt a lot like being teased. I was too smart for a lot of my public school classes, so I read books during the class and did my homework when I got it in the rest of class. I was a child that would have welcomed extra classes after school, but my parents were never the kind to push for that type of thing, and I didn't know it existed to ask.

By my Junior year of high school. I had made a firm group of friends, of which I was the least weird. Their weirdness fascinated me. I was introduced to anime, video games (Super Mario doesn't count, this was true RPG gaming for the Playstation), the Renaissance festival, drama, technical theatre, and DnD. Most of these friends were older than me. My best friend was my age, and that was about it. I probably won't be going to my high school reunion, only because I wouldn't get to see this group, so what's the point?

I was editor of the Literary Magazine, easily in honor societies that required attendance, I didn't bother attending. I was in Chamber Choir and whatever the big choir was called, and I was taking vocal lessons to perform solo and in small ensembles. I was the sound guru/Stage Manager for the Technical Theatre group. I easily earned my "letters" in Drama and Choir, but never bothered to buy a letterman jacket. The summer before, I worked at the local Renaissance Festival as a street performer. Pretty costume and lots of fun!

When I went to college, I knew that I loved all that geeky stuff. On top of that I loved gadgets and gizmos and I wanted to major in Computer Science (not realizing that computer science majors don't typically get to write video games). I was beginning to be comfortable with myself. I went off to my nerdy college (seriously, I picked the nerdiest college I could find. Specializing in Engineering, the guy/girl ratio was 4/1 my freshman year. In my senior year it had become normal to be the only girl in a class of 30+, I didn't even notice it anymore.), resolved to show and act with more confidence. Btw, like most college students, I changed my mind on what I wanted to major in, I ended up with a degree in Engineering Management.

I had dated 4 guys at this point, only 1 "long term" of 6 months, the others for a month or less at a time. I had spent my summer outside working at the local amusement park, so I was tanner then I had ever been (or ever will be again, I'm sure) even though it was a farmers tan. I had dated 3 of those 4 guys that summer. Been flirted with, told I was cute. I was feeling very confident that I was going to a college of like-minded individuals whom I would form intellectual, and hopefully some physical (boys!!) connections with.

I joined one of the 3 Sororities on campus (compare to the 21 Fraternities on campus), and found a group of sisters who shared my interest in all things nerdy. ***For those few of you that I gave this link to, I just want to plug an I love you and AOT!*** Further expanding my nerdiness by exploring things like DDR, Diablo II, Final Fantasy, Knitting, DM (Dungeon Master) for DnD, I also learned about my less nerdy side. I like to dress up and be girly. Turns out I have a talent for chugging beer, though not the tolerance to back it up. I became the President of my Sorority for 1.5 terms (it's a long story). I also had no qualms about winning pie-eating contests (I'm not fat, so why would I be self-conscious about it?), or participating in "couch-burnings" - it was southern Missouri.

Afterwards, I realized that despite being in a sorority, guys had influenced my tastes and opinions in video games, TV shows, movies and porn (yep porn), way more than my sorority sisters had. I like a lot of "dude" things. I can quote Super Troopers and Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Out Cold. I have an opinion on different types of porn (I really do. I think most porn is funny, not so much a turn on. So if I'm going to watch a porn, I prefer it to be as 70's-esque as possible, with big mustaches and bigger bushes. Sorry, while I very much enjoy having sex myself, I think watching other people have sex is just funny.) I don't like first-person shooter games, they make me nauseous (it's the first person view) not to mention that I just don't have the reaction time required to be good at them. I hate sports games because I don't get sports, the appeal, and from lack of reaction time as stated above. I love RPG's, a good cinematic will get me everytime. For a while in college, my nickname was Neverwinter Nights because I played it constantly until I won it and then started over again. I've developed a deep and abiding love for an MMO. I can have a sustained conversation about raiding in WoW and have opinions.

I still love to read, especially Science Fiction and Fantasy novels, I'm always looking for a good author. I'm currently reading:  "Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Before that I read a vampire novel and before that I was re-reading a romance novel. I can give you my theory on how the Zombie Apocolypse will happen, and I own a 22 rifle, though I've never been hunting and I have no desire to. I also have a great fondness for the idea of dragons and fairies, knights in shining armor and pirates. This is why I still love a good Renaissance Festival (I'm a Renn Faire snob, btw, critical of shows, crafts and the size. For example, I'll go to the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival if that's my only choice, but I much prefer a bigger festival that draws better shows). I've always thought joining the SCA would be fun, and that I can understand why people LARP and though I have no motivation to do it on my own, could probably be convinced if someone wanted to take the time to persuade me. I love that scene from The Labyrinth where she's dressed up in the park reciting poetry, I can totally understand the urge on a beautiful spring day. I've never done it, but I understand it.

In other words, I am a super-geek. I keep it pretty well hidden in my normal life. With it emerging occasionally in conversation when I figure out that the other person would be amenable to such a topic. But most of the time it's under wraps. I've been told that I still let that left-over shyness from high-school take over occasionally (This is how that conversation tends to go [scene: getting drunk with good girl-friend at a bar] "I totally thought you were a bitch when I first met you, but I was wrong! You're the sweetest girl ever!" Me, concerned: "Why did you think I was a bitch?" "You were just so quiet, you wouldn't talk back to me when I talked to you!" "Oh, I was just shy." "I know that now!!" [also, I feel devastated every time I have this conversation, wondering who else I've been a bitch to. And I know this isn't just one person, I have had this conversation multiple, multiple times]).

I try to not do this when I first start dating a guy, but I do. I clam up. It feels physically impossible to talk sometimes, like there's something in my throat stopping me. Heck, the last time I went on a first date, I apologized because I couldn't make eye-contact. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder if I don't just want to have sex on the first date just so I can loosen up and relax.

Sigh, I try to let boys who I'm interested in dating know that deep down inside I'm really really geeky, but they don't really understand until much later into it. And I just want a cute boy who will geek out with me. Maybe convince me that LARPing would totally be worth the risk of ridicule. Ok, maybe not. I'm kindof clumsy, I might loose an eye trying to do that.

Nightmares, part 2

I kept trying to fall back to sleep and I did for another 20 minutes. This time I had a dream about the house I own with the Ex.

It wasn't really a nightmare, just picturing and remembering all the hopes I had for that house. I wanted to have babies there. Maybe not live there forever, but start our lives there.

And now it stands empty, with the ghosts of unborn children and a future that will never happen. Children I might never be able to have. This is one of my biggest fears. We tried to have a baby for over a year before he told me he had "changed his mind" and didn't want to have babies right now after all. (That would make sense btw, if I had been the one to suggest we try having children. I wasn't, it was his idea.)

Right before we went to Korea, we had been trying for almost a year, I convinced a doctor to sign us up for some tests. For those of you that don't know, there's really only 1 test for a guy, and about a million for a girl. He passed his test, and I took 3 (out of those million) and passed mine.

It wasn't like we weren't having sex. We were having it frequently, not with a lot of enthusiasm, but frequently.

I want to have children someday, and the idea that I possibly can't makes me super upset. I know, I've heard all the platitudes about how I'm worrying about nothing, etc, etc. It doesn't help that, despite being grateful that I don't have a baby going through this divorce, I feel like my lack of conception might have contributed to the inevitable dissolution of our marriage.

I know this is stupid in this day and age, but I feel useless as a woman if I can't conceive. Like I've lost a part of my purpose in life if I can never experience pregnancy and birth. Sure, I can adopt, it's not the same. What guy wants a girl who might not be able to give him a family?

And as a side note, I'm jealous of all my friends with babies. To the point that sometimes I'm repulsed by their child. Holding their adorable bundle of joy is like a stab in the heart. No offense friends with children who might read this, your child is adorable and wonderful. It just hurts to be around them and your happy family sometimes.

Someday, I know, I'll have a family of my own, and I won't be like my mother, and I'll probably be able to conceive and give birth to my own child. But for now, I have doubts. My shrink told me last night that I live in my own head a lot. I've never before considered that, maybe I do. Don't reassure me, I won't believe you. Or rather, I'll believe you, but I won't stop worrying about it. Turning it over in my head, mulling about it, contemplating...

Nightmares, part 1

Last night I had nightmares. Everything was good. I was perfectly happy to get woken up by boy2 to say goodnight. (seriously, I love that) I fell back to sleep almost immediately.

I woke up 30 minutes later because I had a nightmare about seeing my Dad for the last time. Update: My Dad died about 3 years ago.

I remembered how horrified I was that he was so fragile. My strong, stoic father, who barely touched us, much less told us he loved us. Telling me he loved me and he was proud of me from a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes. My father, who I wanted so much to be like, smart, proud and in-charge. Reduced to a broken hip and twitchy muscles so he couldn't even focus his eyes. All because of the randomness of kidney disease and a virus caught because his immune system was being suppressed to save that new kidney he had just gotten the year before, that they couldn't cure in time.

I was so angry... still am I guess, when my mother kept pressuring him for a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). I wanted to scream, he's 58! Why won't you give him a chance to fight!? He didn't want to sign at first and she kept pressuring him.

I don't think my mother killed my father, but I don't think she gave him much of a chance either. I think she killed his will to live. Who wants to live when your spouse is basically saying you're not worth taking care of? And she wondered why, after my father died, I couldn't talk to her about missing him. She wanted to sob to me on the phone about how lonely and sad she was that he was gone, and I was suppressing not yelling at her. Maybe if she hadn't pressured him for the DNR he'd still be here today! I couldn't tell my mother that, but I couldn't stand talking to her either.

She kept pointing out how much I was like him, that I didn't want to talk about my emotions. All I wanted was to not talk about them with her or anyone else. It's horrible to be so angry at your own mother. Especially for something you know it's not completely logical to blame her for. I didn't want to talk to her about it and I didn't want to admit it out-loud to anyone I knew, for fear of being told all the logical reasons why I shouldn't blame her. I know! I've gone over them in my head a million times.

I used to try and talk with her. Comfort her, offer suggestions to make her happy. She would complain about how lonely she was, I would suggest taking a community college class, or volunteering, or joining a book club. All of which she would hem-and-haw about and in the end still not venture outside the house. I suggested therapy, she said it was too expensive. My grandparents, her parents died a year after my dad died. Things got worse. Her dog died. She said she wanted to be near me, but wouldn't come for a visit much less contemplate a move. Her and my brother (who is an alcoholic and drug addict), clung to each other, while she complained about how terrible he was and he called her a b*tch.

Everything was about her, but there was never anything new. She was stuck in a rut and refused to move on with life. I became more angry that I was being clung to. Depended on for her happiness. I tried to be the "good daughter", but I wanted to have my own life too. And talking to her all the time meant that there was no longer anything to talk about. No more safe topics.

She finally agreed on a visit, at Christmas last year. I practically had a nervous break-down before she came because I knew her history of causing drama to get attention, and my Ex's mother and sister and their family were coming too. In fact, I drank so much the week before that I probably had alcohol poisoning.

My mother stayed for 3 days and then left before Christmas because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. She then proceeded to leave me nasty voice mails, emails, and even sent a letter snail mail telling me all sorts of things that were meant to hurt. I stopped talking to her.

In the last 11 months I've talked to my mother once, to tell her I was getting a divorce. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she said to me: "I never wanted this for you..."

Last night is the first time I've ever dreamed of my father in that hospital bed. I never want to ever again.

In the back of my head

In the back of my head, I know and acknowledge a lot of things.

I know that the frequency I've been drinking is unhealthy.
I know that I'm exercising, going on dates, and having sex as a form of validation that I'm still an attractive, interesting person whom guys want to spend time with.
I know that while I'm over the Ex, I'm not over the life we were supposed to have together.
I know I'm not ready for a real relationship yet.
I have enough angst in my life right now, that I'm not too enthused about experiencing any more of it in movie or book format. (Sorry, no "Twilight" for me, BFF. Even if I didn't think it was some of the... well, I'll leave that rant out of here.)


I also know that:

While some days may be worse than others. In general, I am feeling better as time goes on.
Eventually I'll get the hang of this dating thing. And maybe even get up the courage to perform an actual break-up.
Music has become much more important to me lately, and makes me feel wonderful.
I'm getting more used to "alone time". It's not very often. An hour here and there. And then I'm anxious to be in the company of people again.
          Quick Explanation: I have never, ever been alone. I went from living with my parents, to college    dorms, to my relationship with the Ex, to living in a sorority house, to moving to Pittsburgh to be with the Ex. I've been trying to remember what it felt like in high-school to want to be alone.


While I talk with the shrink about some of this stuff, on this blog is where I really take the time to evaluate myself. Introspection and such. Everyday I feel like a different person than I was yesterday. I try to self-evaluate and learn about this new person, but some days it's too much. Some days I just have to get my work done, and then let my brain relax. Besides, I might change my mind tomorrow.

Best Foot Forward

Sitting here, listening to my Daft Punk radio station on Pandora, 2 beers in. There are so many things I want to write about, but I really should limit myself to one subject at a time.

Let's go with the most recent thing I wanted to write about. I read a blog today (http://yearthirtyone.blogspot.com/) that talked about how everyone on Facebook always puts their best foot forward and it can make you feel horribly inadequate. I definitely do this on Facebook (I tend to find the whiny people to be annoying attention seekers and either skip their posts or de-friend them.).

I like to think that I'm honest on this blog, but the truth is I cover a lot with my optimism and general sense of humor. I want to be honest for those that might use this blog in the future for what it's intended for. A source of support for those going through similar circumstances as myself.

So here's the truth. I'm lonely a lot. I miss having someone around constantly. Someone to cook for. Someone to joke with. Someone to share my trials and tribulations with.

Today I thought about the Ex a lot. Strangely enough, not in terms of missing him. Just missing someone. And being jealous of her. Also, being jealous that he was still in Korea and I wasn't. I love traveling. No fair. I resisted Facebook stalking him, barely.  These days don't happen often anymore. In fact, I was able to brag to my shrink that it's been 6 weeks since I've clicked on his Facebook profile.

Last week I had insomnia like crazy. Every night I went to bed early and wok up at 2am and went to bed again about 4-5am. Part of it was that I was texting with boy1. I just wanted to talk since I was awake.

Brb... gonna go get a 3rd beer. It's that kind of night.

I don't feel like a healthy person. I don't know why any guy would like me. I feel like I'm holding onto the crazy with a short rein.

I'll probably have to be drunk to tell boy2 that I want to see other people. Problem: I don't feel like I want to see other people when I'm talking/hanging out with him. It's when I'm away from him that I do. Should I take my shrink's advice and just let things ride? Or should I give into my panic and loneliness and tell him I want to date other people.

As depressing as this is. About an hour ago I was feeling good. Really good. Like dancing to music and really enjoying being by myself.

So why the sudden change in mood? Well, probably partly the subject matter, and thinking about my low points in general. Also, probably the 2nd and 3rd beers...

On an entirely different note, I told my shrink I would show her how to set up a blog. I would love to follow that blog, but she's pretty insistent on anonymity. I'll have to make sure she knows how to make it truly anonymous, unlike my blog, which I'm sure any half-wit hacker could destroy in 30 seconds. ;)

Drinking

I've been doing it way too often...

Btw, this is posted on my phone at the Wilkinsburg Eastbusway Station.

As I'm waiting here, thinking about what I want to post. I realize, not only am I hungry, but I really want a beer or two or three. To be lightly drunk tonight would be awesome.

Now I could go into why I'm stressed out and why a drink sounds great. (I just got done with an 11 hour day at work, I got 15 new test scripts due by friday added to my load, 2nd round of validation starts next week and I know I don't have time for it, I slept with boy1 last night, I want to tell boy2 that I am/want to date other people... even though we're not official by any means and I'm probably just projecting, I still feel dishonest, but I can't bring myself to say anything right now...) But the honest truth is, I think I've been drinking too much, too often.

The problem is I can't just have a couple of beers. I mean I can ONLY have a couple beers, and then I'm drunk. Seriously. I know it's because I've lost weight, and many people are jealous of my "cheap date" abilities. But it's really a pain in the ass. To drink socially and then all of a sudden be drunk? It's embarrassing to say the least.

So, if I, say, want to have a beer or two after work because I'm stressed, I really shouldn't because it's not cool to be drunk 4-5 nights a week....

Aww, fuck it. I totally want a beer when I get home.

Unexpected Neurosis

I fully expected to have trust issues. I fully expected to have to suppress and talk myself into believing a guy was not cheating on me, that he was a good guy and telling me the truth.

I never expected to feel doubt about future of a house.

Let me expound. When we were first looking at houses, the ex and I had big plans. He claimed to be handy and that he was excited about fixing up a house.

What really happened was that we bought a house that needed work and I worked on the house and he didn't. Sure he did the occasional required work, but he felt no urge to complete projects, or start projects... instead playing WoW and pointing out how tired he was after work. So much for working on the house together....

Ok, I understand he was tired, but I did projects and completed them, and I'm not the one who claimed to be handy before we bought the house.

So when boy2 starts talking about how excited he is to own a house in the future, and especially that it be a fixer upper, I had doubts. Serious doubts. And I tried my damnedest not to be a Debbie downer and be supportive. Because I would love to own a fixer upper on some land. I just couldn't help it, every time he started talking about it, I would think, 'but you'll be tired after working in construction all day you really want to come home and do that?? What about WoW?' He's the Guild Master of a top tier guild. And while I find that very attractive, it doesn't mean he has a lot of time after work, unless he's planning on giving  up WoW (can't see this happening).

While I have legit arguments for doubting him.... he doesn't deserve it. He follows through on everything else I've seen, and it's not fair to transfer my doubts to him.

Who knew my doubts and neurosis would interfere with this???

Another post about my feelings, and other mushy stuff

Thank god I have a blog to sort out my feelings. I'm sorry you have to suffer through this. Feel free to skip this posting, I won't be offended if you're tired of hearing about my dating trials and tribulations. Constantly evaluating myself and how I feel.

If, however, you've enjoyed my drama and ranting... read on!

I got up the courage today to text boy1 and tell him that if he plans on only drunk texting me in the future (has been the only contact for the last week really) that we should meet up and exchange stuff. I want my Shaolin Soccer DVD back, and I can give him back his book. Asked him what he was doing after work today. No response yet. I'm sure he's freaking himself out about this. But really I just want to make sure we don't have any strings attached. Tell him I really don't think I can do this dating thing, especially if his idea of "dating" is just drunk texting me without actually seeing or talking to me.

On another note, I like boy2 more and more. I'm worried I might just like being pursued though.

So here's a list to help me sort things out in my brain.

Things I like about boy2:

• He's pursuing me. (*cough* what did I just say?!)
• He has lot's of ambition and drive.
• He not only plays WoW, he's a GM of a successful raiding guild. I can't explain why I find this attractive, I just do.
• He snowboards.
• I like talking to him on the phone (I list this because it's rare. I'm an engineer/nerd, and if I can get away with not talking to people that's usually my preference.)

Things I don't like about boy2:

• He likes to argue. So do I, to some extent. And part of me is enjoying the challenge of our conversations. The other party of me feels irritated. Like I always have to be "on".
• Sex with him is not as good as with boy1. But I think that might just be me. I feel like I separated myself emotionally a little bit before I started dating this guy. And, as we all know, sex for a woman, is better if emotions are involved. I think this is probably true for everyone, but I think guys don't like to admit it.

Epiphany:
That's it, that's why I'm hesitating. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is actually just not attraction to boy2, or if I've separated myself emotionally, because I'll admit it, I've been feeling pretty hurt by boy1's rejection (even though my shrink assures me that it's mostly him and his issues and probably has very little to do with me). This would be alright if I wanted to use boy2 for sex and have some recovery time. But I don't think I do. I enjoy talking with him. I just have to go with some good advice. Just relax and try to enjoy myself.


It's strange to think that boy1 might have affected me so much. I'm betting it's not really him. I'm betting that since it was my first time putting myself out there (really extending myself emotionally) for the first time in 9 years, and it didn't end horribly (honestly, it could've been much worse given the factors), still, feeling even more cautious then before. As if your husband cheating on you isn't a good enough reason to be cautious and emotionally stunted. :)

Clarification

I was going to write about something else today (I had the whole plan worked out and everything), but due to some conversations this weekend, I decided to do some clarification.

As embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm pretty sure everybody who's been cheated on has given that person a second chance. You tell yourself you love them and if they'd only choose you, you'd be able to forgive them.

I did this. I gave him a week to change his mind. He didn't. In retrospect, I'm glad. Because this is what would've happened if he had chosen me. I would have worked really hard to forgive him, but I never would have been able to trust him ever again. We would have gone to counseling and years down the road we would've gotten a divorce anyway. It would have been even more bitter and angry then it is now too.

So, if you did this. Don't feel guilty and stupid. (Or at least, keep telling yourself not to feel guilty and stupid.) It was your heart yearning for things to go back to before you knew anything. Just realize it wouldn't have worked anyway.

And if the looks of shock your friends give you, at hearing that you had low enough self-esteem at the time to do this, hurts... Just remember, none of them have gone through this, they don't know.

Ripple Effect

I was thinking this morning about the instances recently where I've noticed different behavior in couples that my ex and I were/are very close to.

It sounds egotistic even egocentric to say that I think my divorce... and everything about the story is affecting everyone around me. I'll admit, not everyone. However, I notice that good friends in relationships, who have never questioned that relationship, have been doing some really strange stuff recently.

I also think the fact that I'm noticing this is a sign of how much they are being affected. I'm really self-absorbed lately. :)

Examples? The biggest one I can think of, is a couple weeks ago. We had a girls night. This girl, we'll call her V. V has a husband of several years, and always seems happy and content in her relationship. On this girls night though, we all get really really drunk. V ends up making out with a random guy and going home with him! She swears she didn't sleep with him, she just passed out on his couch. I was really drunk and distracted at the time (making out with my own guy, thank you very much), otherwise I probably would have tried to rein her in, as a good friend, knowing she would regret what she was doing. But since I didn't notice....

Why do I connect this with me? Since the separation with my ex, I hadn't really talked to V before that evening, and I remember her seeming really affected by what I was saying, like things were sinking home with her. I think V felt the urge to test her boundaries and feelings about her own relationship after hearing about mine.  I also don't malign all men as evil or anything when I tell my story, so it's not like I said anything like "You guys should get out of your relationships cause all men suck."  Opposite in fact, I look forward to the day I fall in love again and find a guy that I want to try all over again with. So I don't feel guilty about this... it's not my fault she has doubts, (I do feel a little guilty about not noticing she was leaving with a random guy... there's a reason guys do the split and conquer with girl groups. We stick together and take care of each other when we're out... except if we get distracted.) it's just a very blatant example of something I've been noticing with couples I'm close to.

I'm also the first out of any of my friends to get a divorce. I don't know anyone else who is/has in my group of friends. I know one girl at work, we've become really good friends lately, btw. I think it's like a shock to the group dynamic. Everyone feels rocked by it to some degree and some are actually changing behaviors or doing stupid stuff like above.

I should probably conclude the story by telling you that V and her husband are doing ok. They had a huge fight where she was kicked out of the house for a while. I believe she's also not allowed to drink without him for a while too. Despite her indiscretion, they seem to have worked it out to their satisfaction. Good for them.

On the selfish side of things, it makes me wonder what the next unsettling thing to happen will be. Stuff like this seriously disturbs my peace of mind. (Didn't want you to think I wasn't self-absorbed and egocentric after all that.)

Just another Update

About large, life-shattering events...  :)

Yesterday, I signed the divorce papers with my ex. Woot! There are several reasons to be excited here.

1. When I saw the ex for the first time in months, all I really felt was disgust, and a little irritation that he hadn't completed the paperwork like I had wanted him to. (He finished the basic stuff, but he didn't write up our monetary agreement, so I had to do that for him. *sigh* I swear, I shouldn't have to baby any male who is not having sex with me.)
2. I am on the way to being completely separate from him. Not just by continents, but by paperwork, and a certificate. And soon thereafter, no house.
3. Boys who I date will be less nervous about dating me if I have the paperwork signed. Yay!

I didn't have to break up with the boy because he didn't cancel on me!! I feel like dancing with this one. Or jumping. Up and Down.... I'll stop elaborating now.


Second session of therapy went really well. I felt like I was vindicated in a lot of my goals and beliefs. I also didn't cry this time (yay, I hate crying!). It went so well, she asked if I wanted to do sessions every week or every-other week. I told her let's stick with every week for now. Because while Monday was a good day, the weekend kind of sucked, and a lot of what got me through it was knowing I was going to be able to talk to her on Monday.  I also feel like, if I'm not so utterly depressed or panicked, I tend to gloss over things. I'm just used to not wanting other people to worry. In fact, I hate it when other people worry, or pity me. Or even worse, if I do tell them, they think I'm exaggerating.


Speaking of, I went out with a large group of friends last night, before the boy came out. I mentioned, just a short while before the boy came out that he was coming out, and they all started teasing me. I know they were teasing and didn't mean anything by any of it, but somehow it kicked off a panic attack. And when I realized I was having a panic attack... in public, it got worse, a lot worse. Before I knew it, I was hyperventilating, and asking for another car bomb, asap.




***Big Medical Breakthrough!!!! Irish Car Bombs are the cure to panic attacks. I immediately felt better.*** It's just too bad I can't have Irish Car Bombs at work, because besides the eventual consequences of kidney problems and possible alcoholism, my problems would be solved.



Back on topic, only one person really noticed that I was upset. Today, I tried to kind of apologize and explain that a panic attack isn't really just from one thing. I kind of got a side-ways look and I just stopped talking.

True, I can control mine better than a lot of people. Just because I don't have hysterics or pass out when I have one, doesn't mean I'm not having one. Part of that is worrying about how stupid I might look. I'm happy to realize they didn't really notice, but I think it sucks that they might think I was exaggerating. That's what I get for thinking an explanation/apology might be pertinent.

That's my update for today. Other than feeling like I've been having a panic attack all afternoon (ugh, I haven't had one of these for days...), things are going well. I'll be going back to college for our homecoming this weekend. I'm sure I will have stories and pictures from that!

Paranoid or not too Paranoid...

...that is the question.

So first an update about my dating life. Boy canceled on me Thursday night with a fairly good reason. He rescheduled for Friday night and then canceled that one too.... this time for a not so good reason. We saw each other on Saturday (though due to rain and overall crappiness, we didn't go to the apple festival and he didn't meet my friends) and I didn't really express my displeasure until he waited till 6:30 pm to tell me he had plans with his brother at 8pm....

So then I expressed my displeasure in being bailed on. I also told myself that if he cancels on Tuesday (next time I'm supposed to see him), then I'll be breaking up with him. I like him, but I can't handle the rejection.

Am I being Paranoid? Probably. Unreasonable? I don't think so... but we'll see what the Doc has to say about it this afternoon. After all, I can't say I'm the most comfortable person to date right now. I can't seem to make myself make it any easier (I know that sometimes, for example, I tell him things purposefully to see if it'll scare him off. I don't like doing it. In fact, I absolutely hate it. But I also can't seem to help but do it. Part of it is that I don't want to lie by omission.... I would hate it if he thought I was purposefully not telling him about things.)


Other Updates:

My Ex is currently in town. I will be seeing him to sign the divorce papers tomorrow morning! Yay! And scary at the same time... I still just don't want to see him. I'm having Panic Attacks and Nightmares about this one. The nightmares are currently about him deciding to bring lawyers last minute, or refusing to put what I want on the papers, which would mean I wouldn't sign which would mean prolonged BS where I have to get lawyers, etc. This is highly unlikely, as I have much more to gain from calling in lawyers then he does... but still.

Current Evaluation about Panic Attacks: Seem to be when I feel overwhelmed or unstable. Like the whole world is changing and I don't know where to stand in it. Thinking about rejection (the possibility of the boy cancelling on Tuesday) will typically set one off. Though I get calmer if I think about the after effects.

That's it for today. Tomorrow I'll let you know how my second session of therapy went and how signing the divorce papers went! Wednesday I'll let you know how getting trashed on a Tuesday Night went and if I had to break up with the boy or not! It looks to be an exciting reading week for you dear readers. :)

Calmer? Not really...

I re-read yesterday's post and wanted to hide in shame from the girly silliness of it all. However, I've resolved not to erase any posts no matter how much I might regret them in the future. This is my chronicling of recovery, and I don't want to gloss over my silly/embarrassing moments and give someone else the idea that my road to normalcy was all easy, fun, and nice. Then they might feel stupid about their own weaknesses.

Yes, my idealistic goals of this blog (besides my selfish reasons of cathartic release from writing), is the hope that this blog will help some poor girl in the future who might be going through the same thing. If she gets to laugh at or with me in the process, then my goal has truly been achieved. (Or guy, a guy could do this too... seems less likely... hmmm)




Ok, that was a nice break to reiterate my goals and hopes for this blog, now on to the update and new things I'm worrying about today.

Using the advice of my BFF and her boyfriend last night, I asked the boy on a couple dates (because it turns out I can't stand limbo and this is what I wanted to do anyway, not wait on him.... it was pointed out to me that I am an organizer not a participator, and any guy who I like better like that about me, because being placid and letting him organize will not last for very long in any relationship with me).

So, I asked him to hang out and watch a movie tonight (Shaolin Soccer if you were wondering), and I asked if he'd like to go with my group of friends to the Delmont Apple Festival on Saturday. The Saturday thing is kinda  a big deal as he'll be meeting a large majority of my Pittsburgh friends. He seems excited about both and excited I asked him. So that takes care of that fear. As the BFF's boyfriend pointed out, if he didn't want to see me he would've made up some excuse not to.

Other than nervous, happiness about seeing him tonight, and introducing him to the friends, I'm a lot more calm about dating in general. My friends are right, if he wasn't happy to see me, he wouldn't agree to stuff. And if I want to see him and want to ask, I should just ask.

So what am I not calm about today? Doc, on Monday, said the next time I felt a panic attack coming on, I should try to evaluate why I feel scared and write it down. (Journal, whatever. I told her I blog, I'm not writing multiple things).

I feel like I'm having a panic attack right now, and after thinking about it, here's why:

• There's a lot of things I haven't told boy b/c they haven't come up and they're not pleasant things to talk about. I probably wouldn't worry about telling him for a little while still (I mean we've only been dating for a week and a half), but they're coming to a point where if I don't tell him why I'm doing something, I'll be lying

These things are:
1. I own a house with my ex-husband that I need to get fixed up and sell.
2. I haven't signed the divorce papers yet. This is my ex-husband's fault, hopefully this gets done in the next couple weeks. It then takes 90 (business?) days to be filed and processed in PA.
3. I'll be out of town all next weekend (this one's not that big of deal, just need to mention it).
4. And the big one.... Ex-husband said he's trying to come back to the US for a couple weeks so we can sign the divorce papers, etc.

• The big one... this is new news, and hopefully doesn't affect anything, except that I don't want to see him. I feel like he's invading my calm world. (Ok, it's not that calm, but it's getting calmer every day, and I feel like he's interfering with that). I don't know how people who have to normally live in the same city as their ex do it. I can't even stomach the thought of him on the same continent as me yet.

You may be thinking, why is she so panicky about the ex being in town, it's not like she has to see him. So here's the deal. He's a master manipulator. I can tell you that his main goal in coming back to the US now is not to sign divorce papers with me... we could do that via the mail even though it might be slower. His main goal is to come back and try to gather support with friends and try to prove to them that I'm "not mad with him". He'll do this by trying to trap me in situations where he knows I won't want to react emotionally. How will he do this? By getting invited to activities and not telling me he's coming. So it'll be like * surprise!, you thought you were going to relax and have fun today, and now that you're here and can't gracefully get out of the situation, he's going to try and prove how "friendly" you both are*

Now, you may be thinking, surely she is overreacting. Maybe, but I doubt it. I know him very well. I knew when he was cheating on me, though I kept denying it... I could always finish his sentences, or even say them before he said them, I've seen him do stuff like this to other people. The only hope I have is that friends will have the courtesy to warn me if they invite him to things, so I can bail.

I've evaluated why I'm having a panic attack... did it help? nope. Thanks Doc. :P

Directness (advice needed pls)

Today I am nervous. Why? Because I am hoping the boy previously mentioned will ask me out soon. Preferably tonight. :D

Some background:

1. Last week we went out several times. And then we spent the weekend together. I had a great time. He asked me to be his girlfriend (aka, be monogamous, which I'm totally cool with b/c I don't date multiple guys at a time anyway... I just don't think I could handle the stress, so this was pretty much a given for me anyway). We text everyday, off-and-on, usually several hours apart, during our respective breaks at work, etc, usually for some interesting conversation. I do not initiate all of these texts, I do initiate quite a few, but he always makes sure to end them. In other words, I'm pretty sure he still likes me.
2. Right now we don't have any plans to see each other in the future. I'm a planner, I like knowing what I'm doing in the near future at least. I also don't typically leave stuff open for people, assuming that if they want to do something they'll ask me with enough time to book them a spot.
3. I'm a very direct person, I don't take hints very well. I expect to be asked a direct questions so I can answer it.
4. He doesn't strike me as a very direct person. A couple times I've had to repeat back what he said to me and ask if he was asking me on a date.   >.<

So since Sunday, no mention has been made of a future date. Last Wednesday I went with him to Karaoke night at a local bar. This is a weekly thing for him. He's mentioned that he's excited about today (this Wednesday), Karaoke night. I was kinda hoping to get a repeat date out of the deal and go to Karaoke night this week, there has been no direct question though. Just him mentioning it several times.

I should probably just assume he doesn't want me to come unless he asks right? I shouldn't hint that I'd like to go?

And if I ask him to do something or hang out Friday night is that being too aggressive? Should I wait until he asks me to do something??

I know these are the kind of stupid questions that get girls into trouble (because in all reality, he probably doesn't care one way or another), but I can't help it. I worry that because I like him so much, and because I miss a steady, stable relationship so much, that I'm going to turn clingy and scare him off. 

I am not good at this dating thing!! Advice/Reassurance would be very welcome! 

The Crazies

Despite reassurances given by multiple people, I was pretty sure I wasn't going crazy even before my new therapist said so. (Though it did give me pause that they felt the urge to tell me I wasn't...)

Yesterday, I went to a psychologist for the first time ever. Ever, ever.

How was it? Devastating was the first word that came to mind. Doc (that's what I'm going to call her) was very good at poking and prodding subjects that I had been doing a pretty good job of ignoring. I felt emotionally drained, beat-up, but better for having talking about a lot of stuff that I didn't feel comfortable talking about with friends (or even you dear readers).

Observations from a first timer:

• There was a couch! I didn't lie down on the couch, but I sat on it. Still, way to fulfill my stereotype expectations!
• Super Awkward - Umm, you're talking to a stranger about some of your most private stuff. I don't typically like talking about my emotions (*cough* except in the anonymous forum of my blog apparently), at least the negative ones I usually keep to myself. I like to make people's days brighter, I'm not a complainer. So though I feel super awkward confessing my deepest fears to a stranger, it's a relief to be able to talk about them and not feel guilty about bringing someone else's day down. 
• I don't really know the difference between Counselors, Therapists, Psychologists and Psychiatrists. So I'll probably call Doc all or any of those. To clarify though for future reference, she is a Psychologist.
• Even when I'm feeling super emotionally unstable, I'm apparently still more stable than most people. (eg, I never, ever thought about suicide; I realize that my panic attacks are panic attacks and though I can't stop them I know they'll pass; I know that one day I will feel better and that going to Therapy is one step along that path.) Side Rant: I feel really disgusted with people who think suicide is an answer. Even considering it is cowardly and stupid. How could you be so disdainful of this gift that is life?? Even if you don't believe in God (actually maybe especially if you don't believe in God), you shouldn't even think about wasting this chance to live and love on the Earth. If you ever consider suicide, send me a message, I'll yell you straight! ***Disclaimer- this might actually be a bad idea because I would definitely tell you how stupid you're being and that seems like it might have an opposite effect.

So do I recommend therapy/psychology, whatever? Right now, sure. In a couple weeks, I don't know... I guess we'll find out. :)