I'm a bad person

I haven't been on here in a while. I apologize.

I just got home from my ski-trip vacation. Where I hooked up with boy3. Yep. That's official right there. Unfortunately, though I had been thinking about breaking up with boy2, I hadn't done it yet. Wanting to wait until I had some privacy, I waited until today when I got home to call him and have that break-up conversation.

This is my first break-up conversation ever, I mean unless you count boy1, which I don't because it had been leading up to that for a long time. It was horrible. I decided the best way would just to tell him I was breaking up with him quickly, without any excuses on my part (I mean I really didn't deserve any excuses... sure, he refused to ask me to be his girlfriend and didn't want to see me very often at all, but I'm the one who went out and hooked up with another person after having a talk about being monogamous.)

Not only that, but I told boy2 I loved him... I did for a little while. I think. Maybe I don't know what love is.

What's wrong with me? I feel broken, the old me would never have even remotely considered doing something like that. Being faithful used to be easy.

I can tell myself that I knew that he wasn't a forever guy, that I wasn't his girlfriend, that he only seemed a little into me. But when it comes down to it, I hurt him. And I feel utterly miserable about it.

Of course, I was drunk when this all went down. But I don't think being sober would've stopped me. Boy3 is an old friend, that I've had a crush on for a long time, and I never considered he'd be into me. I mean I hoped and I had dreams, but I never actually thought....

I can't talk about boy3 right now. Probably in a couple days when I feel less devastated about being a terrible person.

Edit: On the bright side for you readers, I re-published some stuff that I took off when things with boy2 got more serious.

I feel judged

A lot. I never really expected to feel this way. After all, I didn't instigate my divorce. But I feel like there's a stigma attached. I mention that I'm getting a divorce and the topic is dropped and a look ensues.

I don't know, it's hard to describe... I feel judged.

Just wanted to let you know.

Fuuuuuuuck

How did I fall in love? When did this happen?

I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?

Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.

I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.

What do I do?

How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?

Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:

Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?

Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.

I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.

Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.

Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.

Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.

So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.

This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.

Normalcy

Recently, I discovered that other people are sometimes worried about being perceived as psycho, just like me!

I really thought I was the only one. I thought the "normal" people just wouldn't worry about it. And the truly crazy people would just ignore it. And there would be a small percentage of us slightly damaged folks who were temporarily petrified of letting the crazy take over.

Btw, I've sometimes thought it would be nice to let the crazy just take over, but I continue to hold it off with the thought that if I let it take over once, it might never let me take myself back. So I continue to hold out against it in a seemingly never ending struggle. Someday, Crazy, someday victory will be mine!

It's a relief to hear other people almost as concerned as I am about keeping the crazy in check.

Talking to a good friend (who will remain anonymous), over a couple drinks.... ok a lot of drinks, she expressed her concerns as to whether or not she was normal. She also expressed a desire to write/blog about it. Even more drinks later and some encouragement and voila! A new blog is born. So I'm going to plug her blog now. Even though it's brand new, I'm sure it will be great. :) The Exception or the Rule?

There was also a semi-serious conversation with the BFF in the kitchen a couple days ago, about how she's always reining in the jealousy. Now I thought she meant over the boyfriend she doesn't call a boyfriend (and she does, but that's not it), what she really meant was over everyone. I knew she had been getting jealous about another couple friends of hers spending a lot of time together and not enough with her... ok I've had these moments, I know where she's coming from. But she meant that, and apparently other people talking to me at the bar besides her. lol.

God, I love you girl. Your reluctance to join into group outings now makes even more sense, on top of your old lady tendencies! Don't worry, we'll reserve me and BFF only time in the future.

Anyway, we had an interesting conversation after that about how she's always trying to hide how jealous she gets of her friends and the boy she refuses to call a boyfriend. Good news, hun, I never would've guessed. :)

Is it strange that I find comfort in other people's deep seeded issues? That I feel more normal, more stable, just knowing other people out there have their moments too? (I'm pretty sure this is why boy1 is still so appealing to me, I'll never be as messed up as he is.) I know I feel guilty rejoicing in their stress and anxiety. But not guilty enough to stop. So fill me up with your stress and misery stories, they make me feel good!

Oh God that's weird. Back to stressing out about my own crazies again.

Slap Happy

I had a topic in mind for today, but I'm feeling Slap Happy and can't concentrate.

For those of you who might not know... being slap happy is when you feel so overwhelmed by everything that you cross that line into not caring nearly as much and thinking everything is friggin hilarious. This might also be called hysterics by some. I prefer slap happy.

So things that are making me giggle like a little girl at my desk when I should be working on a million things that are overdue:

Ok, I put this one into my work signature... and then decided it's not really work appropriate. 

I set this one as my computer background! It's so epic!!

Oh Snap!!

Some of you might recognize this from a certain Tosh.0 episode.

I might write about more serious stuff later today, but for now... Enjoy!

The dumbest drama...

Since, I mentioned in the last post that this stupid party fight is some of the dumbest drama I've ever been involved in. I thought I would tell the story of the absolute dumbest drama I've ever been involved in. I'm pretty sure nothing will ever top this.

A couple of weekends ago, I went on a trip back to my college. I rode on an aeroplane and everything! On my second flight (I had to layover on the way there), I was sitting in the middle seat of the first row. It's a two hour flight, no biggie though, there's a girl to my left (window) and an older, not too fat guy to my right (aisle).

We take off and about two minutes in, the old-guy turns on his reading light and leans on the armrest (my armrest) and starts reading his book.... in my lap. I mean he is way leaned over. I am so uncomfortable. His arm is rubbing up against my ribs and my boob. I really have no place to go, there's only so far I can lean towards the girl, and it's not cutting it.

15 minutes in, I give in and ask him, very politely, to please lean the other direction. He gets all huffy and says he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I gape at him and point out that his book is practically in my lap. He reluctantly pulls up and sits straighter. Still in my bubble but not nearly as bad.

5 minutes later he's back in the same spot, and I have to do it. I say "I just don't understand why it's so hard to lean the other direction... please." Oh this time he's upset. He rambles off some reasons. The book light is over there he wants to read, I tell him he could move it. He swears he's not leaning into me at all. He says it's an armrest meant to be shared.

At this point I lose it. I tell him, oh the armrest is meant to be shared? Really? Well then I want my part of the armrest. I stick my elbow on the armrest and what ensues is a 1.5 hour fight over the armrest.

Elbowing each other, he says that now I'm invading his space. I say, oh really, I wonder how that feels. (Mind you... I'm not leaning, I didn't have the courage, nor did I really want to be close to him). At one point he reaches down like he has to get something (totally fake) and comes back up quick so he can slam his elbow into my arm. I hold my ground, and in fact, claim even more space. Mwahahaha.

The flight finally ends. I have hives because I hate confrontation that much. We disembark and I walk towards baggage. The guy sitting across the aisle from us, comes up to tell me how much that guy deserved what I did and he was glad I stood up to him. We talked loudly (with the old-guy walking behind us) about how rude the old-guy was.

This is by-far the most immature thing I've done in my adult life. I don't think I'll ever top it. I'm so embarrassed by this story. Yet strangely proud of myself for winning the elbow war.

I only post when I'm miserable

Well, that's the truth, so let's get to it.

I realize I'm a social bully (I like bullying people into doing social things)... if you don't want to do something, just say so. I bullied a friend into hosting a Halloween Party, actually, there was a compromise made. We (myself and my roommate) would host a pumpkin carving party a couple weeks ago, and he would host the Halloween Party. It's now just a couple days away from the Halloween Party and he's really made it clear he's not happy he's hosting. Makes me not want to go. Invite list is small (all people I don't typically hang with), he's scheduled something else earlier that evening, making the likelihood of a good party small, people just don't typically do multiple events in one evening well.

I would've hosted the Halloween Party if I had known the consequences. Not only that, but me and this guy never fight, so I feel rotten about that too. For that matter, I never fight with friends, period. I don't like confrontation.

But when I think about not having a Halloween party, I just get all sad. There's always been a Halloween party for the last 8 years of my life.

At this point, I would offer to have it at my place, but I know BFF/roomie, really doesn't want to at all. (She gets a little anal about cleaning up the night of, not the next day... and her parties don't typically last after midnight.... she's an old lady in disguise.)

I kinda want to go to the first event, but I'll feel like a real kill-joy if I'm all ready to leave, get dressed in my costume and go drink and everyone else is like, "yay! we're having fun!"

And to top it all off, I jumped the gun (at least now it feels like I jumped the gun) and asked boy2 if he wanted to come to the party. How am I going to explain (without looking like a psycho) if I'm too pissed to go?

You know what I really want? To get some alcohol tonight. That's probably not a good thing.


*Whine, whine, bitch, bitch*

This probably has something to do with change-anxieties, etc. But it's not actually super connected to the whole divorce and recovery thing. I just wanted to complain.  :D

Update: I had terrible anxiety about this last night and didn't get much sleep. So I sent an apology email to this guy at 4am for "taking over" his party by inviting a few more people... like he told me I could. Whatever, I just want things to not be awkward between us. Plus, I did feel bad for stepping on his toes a little. Thus far I've gotten no response to this, except for a text asking me how many people were coming. I told him no one's confirmed yet. And he said Let me know so I can buy enough food. I said let me know what you want and I'll get it for you. I don't know if he took this as stepping on his toes again or what. I just felt bad for apparently inviting a "ton" of people (4) more than he originally planned on, like it's going to cost him a small fortune.

I really want to not go to this party now and I don't think there's a graceful way to do that. Maybe I'll be "sick" that night?

Oh, BTW, this is probably some of the dumbest drama I've ever gotten involved in. Furthering my fears that I'm turning into the crazy girl.

Paranoid or not too Paranoid...

...that is the question.

So first an update about my dating life. Boy canceled on me Thursday night with a fairly good reason. He rescheduled for Friday night and then canceled that one too.... this time for a not so good reason. We saw each other on Saturday (though due to rain and overall crappiness, we didn't go to the apple festival and he didn't meet my friends) and I didn't really express my displeasure until he waited till 6:30 pm to tell me he had plans with his brother at 8pm....

So then I expressed my displeasure in being bailed on. I also told myself that if he cancels on Tuesday (next time I'm supposed to see him), then I'll be breaking up with him. I like him, but I can't handle the rejection.

Am I being Paranoid? Probably. Unreasonable? I don't think so... but we'll see what the Doc has to say about it this afternoon. After all, I can't say I'm the most comfortable person to date right now. I can't seem to make myself make it any easier (I know that sometimes, for example, I tell him things purposefully to see if it'll scare him off. I don't like doing it. In fact, I absolutely hate it. But I also can't seem to help but do it. Part of it is that I don't want to lie by omission.... I would hate it if he thought I was purposefully not telling him about things.)


Other Updates:

My Ex is currently in town. I will be seeing him to sign the divorce papers tomorrow morning! Yay! And scary at the same time... I still just don't want to see him. I'm having Panic Attacks and Nightmares about this one. The nightmares are currently about him deciding to bring lawyers last minute, or refusing to put what I want on the papers, which would mean I wouldn't sign which would mean prolonged BS where I have to get lawyers, etc. This is highly unlikely, as I have much more to gain from calling in lawyers then he does... but still.

Current Evaluation about Panic Attacks: Seem to be when I feel overwhelmed or unstable. Like the whole world is changing and I don't know where to stand in it. Thinking about rejection (the possibility of the boy cancelling on Tuesday) will typically set one off. Though I get calmer if I think about the after effects.

That's it for today. Tomorrow I'll let you know how my second session of therapy went and how signing the divorce papers went! Wednesday I'll let you know how getting trashed on a Tuesday Night went and if I had to break up with the boy or not! It looks to be an exciting reading week for you dear readers. :)

Therapy

Today I feel like I need therapy. Since I have yet to sign up for that, I'm going to use my blog as an outlet. :D Lucky You!

I started dating a new guy over the weekend. He's sweet and we have a ton in common. Minus a whole bunch of stuff I said I'd never get involved with.(You know, all the filtering rules you set out with when you start dating) I know it's probably a terrible idea to get involved with him, I can already feel it heading straight for disaster........ but is this my logical/practical side? Or am I being emotionally damaged and just assuming that any relationship will lead to disaster?

I don't want to be the psycho girl, I really really don't. I hate drama. I would much rather be in a comfortable relationship with absolutely no drama. (Question: Do the people that cause drama hate it too? Or do they secretly love it? Oh god, maybe I am a drama person and I always assumed that people that create drama like it but they never did. *Head Explodes*)

So why do I think this relationship is going to be bad? He's admitted to having emotional issues (chronic depression, a little borderline personality disorder, you know, the usual) and I know I have issues. It just seems that no matter how much we like each other now or how hard we try in the future that without one of us being stable, we're doomed.

If we were dogs, Cesar Millan would never let us in the same room.

But I love the way he makes me feel.I enjoy talking to him, doing stuff with him. I love the way he treats me (like a princess), and I just love the way I feel when we're together. When we're apart though, I start freaking out, and this is really really hard for me to admit because I know it's psycho, that's why I'm not acting on it. I keep talking myself out of bringing up topics and asking questions. So here's all the current crazies going through my brain. (Keep in mind, to make this even crazier, thought we've been emailing/texting for a week, we met each other in person 2 days ago)

What if he doesn't like me as much as I like him? He's got a girl "best friend", who he casually mentioned he used to have a thing with. What if he really likes her and is using me to make her jealous? Is it psycho that I'm already jealous of her? (yes, yes it is) He earns quite a bit less than me (ok, I know this sounds shallow, but I've always though that big money gaps can lead to problems in the future, it's not a what can I buy thing, I can always buy myself whatever I want, it's that male/female thing), what if he gets insecure about it? He's got emotional issues, me too(temporary, hopefully, though they may be), what if this is a really really bad idea?

And then, to top it all off, I worry that (knowing this is psycho and feeling very emotionally damaged) this is permanent. Maybe this isn't something temporary that I'll get over eventually. Maybe my stupid ex left me super damaged and I will always feel like this. And that's the part that makes me want to cry.

I shouldn't worry about all this stuff, I should just relax and enjoy what I have with him right now and damn the consequences...

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to ride it, try really hard to keep my psychoses inside me and enjoy what I'm doing right now.

I'm used to being a practical, confident, stable person. All these crazy emotions, ups and downs are freaking me the f*ck out. :D