is sometimes it bursts out all at once. That's what everyone warns you about at least.
Another side effect I've noticed is that sometimes you want to let it out. Like late at night when you can't sleep because of the vicious circular thoughts going through your brain and you know if you could just cry it would lance some of the poison. But you can't cry. You've gotten so used to holding it all in, that no matter how much it hurts you can't get those tears to start and you just lie there, sick with disgust for yourself and fear that you won't be able to cry ever again.
If you stay up long enough, you can cry from exhaustion if nothing else. But it's not the satisfying, soul cleansing cry you need.
There are bad days and there are good days. This happens to be a bad day (which is why I'm writing!). With little to no sleep, stressed out about work, I overslept through 3 alarms, and barely made it in time for an all morning Ethics meeting, with no breakfast or coffee in me.
When I got an email asking for a progress update, I basically responded with a FOAD, (without the curse words). Luckily, I CCed my boss who had been complaining about this same issue and he backed me up! Yay for a good boss!
Nonetheless, it's the end of another day, and I really need that cry. That and some sleep. And a hug, I'd really like a hug. What do I have to do to get a goddamn hug around here?
Showing posts with label mental. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Nightmares, part 2
I kept trying to fall back to sleep and I did for another 20 minutes. This time I had a dream about the house I own with the Ex.
It wasn't really a nightmare, just picturing and remembering all the hopes I had for that house. I wanted to have babies there. Maybe not live there forever, but start our lives there.
And now it stands empty, with the ghosts of unborn children and a future that will never happen. Children I might never be able to have. This is one of my biggest fears. We tried to have a baby for over a year before he told me he had "changed his mind" and didn't want to have babies right now after all. (That would make sense btw, if I had been the one to suggest we try having children. I wasn't, it was his idea.)
Right before we went to Korea, we had been trying for almost a year, I convinced a doctor to sign us up for some tests. For those of you that don't know, there's really only 1 test for a guy, and about a million for a girl. He passed his test, and I took 3 (out of those million) and passed mine.
It wasn't like we weren't having sex. We were having it frequently, not with a lot of enthusiasm, but frequently.
I want to have children someday, and the idea that I possibly can't makes me super upset. I know, I've heard all the platitudes about how I'm worrying about nothing, etc, etc. It doesn't help that, despite being grateful that I don't have a baby going through this divorce, I feel like my lack of conception might have contributed to the inevitable dissolution of our marriage.
I know this is stupid in this day and age, but I feel useless as a woman if I can't conceive. Like I've lost a part of my purpose in life if I can never experience pregnancy and birth. Sure, I can adopt, it's not the same. What guy wants a girl who might not be able to give him a family?
And as a side note, I'm jealous of all my friends with babies. To the point that sometimes I'm repulsed by their child. Holding their adorable bundle of joy is like a stab in the heart. No offense friends with children who might read this, your child is adorable and wonderful. It just hurts to be around them and your happy family sometimes.
Someday, I know, I'll have a family of my own, and I won't be like my mother, and I'll probably be able to conceive and give birth to my own child. But for now, I have doubts. My shrink told me last night that I live in my own head a lot. I've never before considered that, maybe I do. Don't reassure me, I won't believe you. Or rather, I'll believe you, but I won't stop worrying about it. Turning it over in my head, mulling about it, contemplating...
It wasn't really a nightmare, just picturing and remembering all the hopes I had for that house. I wanted to have babies there. Maybe not live there forever, but start our lives there.
And now it stands empty, with the ghosts of unborn children and a future that will never happen. Children I might never be able to have. This is one of my biggest fears. We tried to have a baby for over a year before he told me he had "changed his mind" and didn't want to have babies right now after all. (That would make sense btw, if I had been the one to suggest we try having children. I wasn't, it was his idea.)
Right before we went to Korea, we had been trying for almost a year, I convinced a doctor to sign us up for some tests. For those of you that don't know, there's really only 1 test for a guy, and about a million for a girl. He passed his test, and I took 3 (out of those million) and passed mine.
It wasn't like we weren't having sex. We were having it frequently, not with a lot of enthusiasm, but frequently.
I want to have children someday, and the idea that I possibly can't makes me super upset. I know, I've heard all the platitudes about how I'm worrying about nothing, etc, etc. It doesn't help that, despite being grateful that I don't have a baby going through this divorce, I feel like my lack of conception might have contributed to the inevitable dissolution of our marriage.
I know this is stupid in this day and age, but I feel useless as a woman if I can't conceive. Like I've lost a part of my purpose in life if I can never experience pregnancy and birth. Sure, I can adopt, it's not the same. What guy wants a girl who might not be able to give him a family?
And as a side note, I'm jealous of all my friends with babies. To the point that sometimes I'm repulsed by their child. Holding their adorable bundle of joy is like a stab in the heart. No offense friends with children who might read this, your child is adorable and wonderful. It just hurts to be around them and your happy family sometimes.
Someday, I know, I'll have a family of my own, and I won't be like my mother, and I'll probably be able to conceive and give birth to my own child. But for now, I have doubts. My shrink told me last night that I live in my own head a lot. I've never before considered that, maybe I do. Don't reassure me, I won't believe you. Or rather, I'll believe you, but I won't stop worrying about it. Turning it over in my head, mulling about it, contemplating...
Nightmares, part 1
Last night I had nightmares. Everything was good. I was perfectly happy to get woken up by boy2 to say goodnight. (seriously, I love that) I fell back to sleep almost immediately.
I woke up 30 minutes later because I had a nightmare about seeing my Dad for the last time. Update: My Dad died about 3 years ago.
I remembered how horrified I was that he was so fragile. My strong, stoic father, who barely touched us, much less told us he loved us. Telling me he loved me and he was proud of me from a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes. My father, who I wanted so much to be like, smart, proud and in-charge. Reduced to a broken hip and twitchy muscles so he couldn't even focus his eyes. All because of the randomness of kidney disease and a virus caught because his immune system was being suppressed to save that new kidney he had just gotten the year before, that they couldn't cure in time.
I was so angry... still am I guess, when my mother kept pressuring him for a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). I wanted to scream, he's 58! Why won't you give him a chance to fight!? He didn't want to sign at first and she kept pressuring him.
I don't think my mother killed my father, but I don't think she gave him much of a chance either. I think she killed his will to live. Who wants to live when your spouse is basically saying you're not worth taking care of? And she wondered why, after my father died, I couldn't talk to her about missing him. She wanted to sob to me on the phone about how lonely and sad she was that he was gone, and I was suppressing not yelling at her. Maybe if she hadn't pressured him for the DNR he'd still be here today! I couldn't tell my mother that, but I couldn't stand talking to her either.
She kept pointing out how much I was like him, that I didn't want to talk about my emotions. All I wanted was to not talk about them with her or anyone else. It's horrible to be so angry at your own mother. Especially for something you know it's not completely logical to blame her for. I didn't want to talk to her about it and I didn't want to admit it out-loud to anyone I knew, for fear of being told all the logical reasons why I shouldn't blame her. I know! I've gone over them in my head a million times.
I used to try and talk with her. Comfort her, offer suggestions to make her happy. She would complain about how lonely she was, I would suggest taking a community college class, or volunteering, or joining a book club. All of which she would hem-and-haw about and in the end still not venture outside the house. I suggested therapy, she said it was too expensive. My grandparents, her parents died a year after my dad died. Things got worse. Her dog died. She said she wanted to be near me, but wouldn't come for a visit much less contemplate a move. Her and my brother (who is an alcoholic and drug addict), clung to each other, while she complained about how terrible he was and he called her a b*tch.
Everything was about her, but there was never anything new. She was stuck in a rut and refused to move on with life. I became more angry that I was being clung to. Depended on for her happiness. I tried to be the "good daughter", but I wanted to have my own life too. And talking to her all the time meant that there was no longer anything to talk about. No more safe topics.
She finally agreed on a visit, at Christmas last year. I practically had a nervous break-down before she came because I knew her history of causing drama to get attention, and my Ex's mother and sister and their family were coming too. In fact, I drank so much the week before that I probably had alcohol poisoning.
My mother stayed for 3 days and then left before Christmas because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. She then proceeded to leave me nasty voice mails, emails, and even sent a letter snail mail telling me all sorts of things that were meant to hurt. I stopped talking to her.
In the last 11 months I've talked to my mother once, to tell her I was getting a divorce. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she said to me: "I never wanted this for you..."
Last night is the first time I've ever dreamed of my father in that hospital bed. I never want to ever again.
I woke up 30 minutes later because I had a nightmare about seeing my Dad for the last time. Update: My Dad died about 3 years ago.
I remembered how horrified I was that he was so fragile. My strong, stoic father, who barely touched us, much less told us he loved us. Telling me he loved me and he was proud of me from a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes. My father, who I wanted so much to be like, smart, proud and in-charge. Reduced to a broken hip and twitchy muscles so he couldn't even focus his eyes. All because of the randomness of kidney disease and a virus caught because his immune system was being suppressed to save that new kidney he had just gotten the year before, that they couldn't cure in time.
I was so angry... still am I guess, when my mother kept pressuring him for a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). I wanted to scream, he's 58! Why won't you give him a chance to fight!? He didn't want to sign at first and she kept pressuring him.
I don't think my mother killed my father, but I don't think she gave him much of a chance either. I think she killed his will to live. Who wants to live when your spouse is basically saying you're not worth taking care of? And she wondered why, after my father died, I couldn't talk to her about missing him. She wanted to sob to me on the phone about how lonely and sad she was that he was gone, and I was suppressing not yelling at her. Maybe if she hadn't pressured him for the DNR he'd still be here today! I couldn't tell my mother that, but I couldn't stand talking to her either.
She kept pointing out how much I was like him, that I didn't want to talk about my emotions. All I wanted was to not talk about them with her or anyone else. It's horrible to be so angry at your own mother. Especially for something you know it's not completely logical to blame her for. I didn't want to talk to her about it and I didn't want to admit it out-loud to anyone I knew, for fear of being told all the logical reasons why I shouldn't blame her. I know! I've gone over them in my head a million times.
I used to try and talk with her. Comfort her, offer suggestions to make her happy. She would complain about how lonely she was, I would suggest taking a community college class, or volunteering, or joining a book club. All of which she would hem-and-haw about and in the end still not venture outside the house. I suggested therapy, she said it was too expensive. My grandparents, her parents died a year after my dad died. Things got worse. Her dog died. She said she wanted to be near me, but wouldn't come for a visit much less contemplate a move. Her and my brother (who is an alcoholic and drug addict), clung to each other, while she complained about how terrible he was and he called her a b*tch.
Everything was about her, but there was never anything new. She was stuck in a rut and refused to move on with life. I became more angry that I was being clung to. Depended on for her happiness. I tried to be the "good daughter", but I wanted to have my own life too. And talking to her all the time meant that there was no longer anything to talk about. No more safe topics.
She finally agreed on a visit, at Christmas last year. I practically had a nervous break-down before she came because I knew her history of causing drama to get attention, and my Ex's mother and sister and their family were coming too. In fact, I drank so much the week before that I probably had alcohol poisoning.
My mother stayed for 3 days and then left before Christmas because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. She then proceeded to leave me nasty voice mails, emails, and even sent a letter snail mail telling me all sorts of things that were meant to hurt. I stopped talking to her.
In the last 11 months I've talked to my mother once, to tell her I was getting a divorce. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she said to me: "I never wanted this for you..."
Last night is the first time I've ever dreamed of my father in that hospital bed. I never want to ever again.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Unexpected Neurosis
I fully expected to have trust issues. I fully expected to have to suppress and talk myself into believing a guy was not cheating on me, that he was a good guy and telling me the truth.
I never expected to feel doubt about future of a house.
Let me expound. When we were first looking at houses, the ex and I had big plans. He claimed to be handy and that he was excited about fixing up a house.
What really happened was that we bought a house that needed work and I worked on the house and he didn't. Sure he did the occasional required work, but he felt no urge to complete projects, or start projects... instead playing WoW and pointing out how tired he was after work. So much for working on the house together....
Ok, I understand he was tired, but I did projects and completed them, and I'm not the one who claimed to be handy before we bought the house.
So when boy2 starts talking about how excited he is to own a house in the future, and especially that it be a fixer upper, I had doubts. Serious doubts. And I tried my damnedest not to be a Debbie downer and be supportive. Because I would love to own a fixer upper on some land. I just couldn't help it, every time he started talking about it, I would think, 'but you'll be tired after working in construction all day you really want to come home and do that?? What about WoW?' He's the Guild Master of a top tier guild. And while I find that very attractive, it doesn't mean he has a lot of time after work, unless he's planning on giving up WoW (can't see this happening).
While I have legit arguments for doubting him.... he doesn't deserve it. He follows through on everything else I've seen, and it's not fair to transfer my doubts to him.
Who knew my doubts and neurosis would interfere with this???
I never expected to feel doubt about future of a house.
Let me expound. When we were first looking at houses, the ex and I had big plans. He claimed to be handy and that he was excited about fixing up a house.
What really happened was that we bought a house that needed work and I worked on the house and he didn't. Sure he did the occasional required work, but he felt no urge to complete projects, or start projects... instead playing WoW and pointing out how tired he was after work. So much for working on the house together....
Ok, I understand he was tired, but I did projects and completed them, and I'm not the one who claimed to be handy before we bought the house.
So when boy2 starts talking about how excited he is to own a house in the future, and especially that it be a fixer upper, I had doubts. Serious doubts. And I tried my damnedest not to be a Debbie downer and be supportive. Because I would love to own a fixer upper on some land. I just couldn't help it, every time he started talking about it, I would think, 'but you'll be tired after working in construction all day you really want to come home and do that?? What about WoW?' He's the Guild Master of a top tier guild. And while I find that very attractive, it doesn't mean he has a lot of time after work, unless he's planning on giving up WoW (can't see this happening).
While I have legit arguments for doubting him.... he doesn't deserve it. He follows through on everything else I've seen, and it's not fair to transfer my doubts to him.
Who knew my doubts and neurosis would interfere with this???
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I only post when I'm miserable
Well, that's the truth, so let's get to it.
I realize I'm a social bully (I like bullying people into doing social things)... if you don't want to do something, just say so. I bullied a friend into hosting a Halloween Party, actually, there was a compromise made. We (myself and my roommate) would host a pumpkin carving party a couple weeks ago, and he would host the Halloween Party. It's now just a couple days away from the Halloween Party and he's really made it clear he's not happy he's hosting. Makes me not want to go. Invite list is small (all people I don't typically hang with), he's scheduled something else earlier that evening, making the likelihood of a good party small, people just don't typically do multiple events in one evening well.
I would've hosted the Halloween Party if I had known the consequences. Not only that, but me and this guy never fight, so I feel rotten about that too. For that matter, I never fight with friends, period. I don't like confrontation.
But when I think about not having a Halloween party, I just get all sad. There's always been a Halloween party for the last 8 years of my life.
At this point, I would offer to have it at my place, but I know BFF/roomie, really doesn't want to at all. (She gets a little anal about cleaning up the night of, not the next day... and her parties don't typically last after midnight.... she's an old lady in disguise.)
I kinda want to go to the first event, but I'll feel like a real kill-joy if I'm all ready to leave, get dressed in my costume and go drink and everyone else is like, "yay! we're having fun!"
And to top it all off, I jumped the gun (at least now it feels like I jumped the gun) and asked boy2 if he wanted to come to the party. How am I going to explain (without looking like a psycho) if I'm too pissed to go?
You know what I really want? To get some alcohol tonight. That's probably not a good thing.
*Whine, whine, bitch, bitch*
This probably has something to do with change-anxieties, etc. But it's not actually super connected to the whole divorce and recovery thing. I just wanted to complain. :D
Update: I had terrible anxiety about this last night and didn't get much sleep. So I sent an apology email to this guy at 4am for "taking over" his party by inviting a few more people... like he told me I could. Whatever, I just want things to not be awkward between us. Plus, I did feel bad for stepping on his toes a little. Thus far I've gotten no response to this, except for a text asking me how many people were coming. I told him no one's confirmed yet. And he said Let me know so I can buy enough food. I said let me know what you want and I'll get it for you. I don't know if he took this as stepping on his toes again or what. I just felt bad for apparently inviting a "ton" of people (4) more than he originally planned on, like it's going to cost him a small fortune.
I really want to not go to this party now and I don't think there's a graceful way to do that. Maybe I'll be "sick" that night?
Oh, BTW, this is probably some of the dumbest drama I've ever gotten involved in. Furthering my fears that I'm turning into the crazy girl.
I realize I'm a social bully (I like bullying people into doing social things)... if you don't want to do something, just say so. I bullied a friend into hosting a Halloween Party, actually, there was a compromise made. We (myself and my roommate) would host a pumpkin carving party a couple weeks ago, and he would host the Halloween Party. It's now just a couple days away from the Halloween Party and he's really made it clear he's not happy he's hosting. Makes me not want to go. Invite list is small (all people I don't typically hang with), he's scheduled something else earlier that evening, making the likelihood of a good party small, people just don't typically do multiple events in one evening well.
I would've hosted the Halloween Party if I had known the consequences. Not only that, but me and this guy never fight, so I feel rotten about that too. For that matter, I never fight with friends, period. I don't like confrontation.
But when I think about not having a Halloween party, I just get all sad. There's always been a Halloween party for the last 8 years of my life.
At this point, I would offer to have it at my place, but I know BFF/roomie, really doesn't want to at all. (She gets a little anal about cleaning up the night of, not the next day... and her parties don't typically last after midnight.... she's an old lady in disguise.)
I kinda want to go to the first event, but I'll feel like a real kill-joy if I'm all ready to leave, get dressed in my costume and go drink and everyone else is like, "yay! we're having fun!"
And to top it all off, I jumped the gun (at least now it feels like I jumped the gun) and asked boy2 if he wanted to come to the party. How am I going to explain (without looking like a psycho) if I'm too pissed to go?
You know what I really want? To get some alcohol tonight. That's probably not a good thing.
*Whine, whine, bitch, bitch*
This probably has something to do with change-anxieties, etc. But it's not actually super connected to the whole divorce and recovery thing. I just wanted to complain. :D
Update: I had terrible anxiety about this last night and didn't get much sleep. So I sent an apology email to this guy at 4am for "taking over" his party by inviting a few more people... like he told me I could. Whatever, I just want things to not be awkward between us. Plus, I did feel bad for stepping on his toes a little. Thus far I've gotten no response to this, except for a text asking me how many people were coming. I told him no one's confirmed yet. And he said Let me know so I can buy enough food. I said let me know what you want and I'll get it for you. I don't know if he took this as stepping on his toes again or what. I just felt bad for apparently inviting a "ton" of people (4) more than he originally planned on, like it's going to cost him a small fortune.
I really want to not go to this party now and I don't think there's a graceful way to do that. Maybe I'll be "sick" that night?
Oh, BTW, this is probably some of the dumbest drama I've ever gotten involved in. Furthering my fears that I'm turning into the crazy girl.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Evaluation Of My Mental State
It's been almost a month since I wrote the "My Story" blog post, and I feel like I've come to terms with a lot of things in that time, so I thought I'd go over some of that so you know where I stand.
I've come to the conclusion that my ex was right. We hadn't been in love for years. I thought I would miss him more. I really don't. I miss the security of my marriage and knowing where my future was, but I don't miss him. And if he hadn't been cheating on me, I really feel like I could get over this a lot faster. Which leads me to my next thought...
I don't think all men are scum, but I don't feel like I can trust any of them. Ever. Again. I really hope I move past this one, it's making me exceedingly anxious. Like as in I feel like I've been having a panic attack all day (literal, not metaphorical). Mainly because I feel like I'm damaged and I'll never be trusting again. And I don't want to be damaged. So since I can't stop cyclically thinking about it... yeah.
He was a dick for years, but I couldn't acknowledge it. I made all sorts of excuses for him. Only recently have I been able to confront that I let him treat me like that. I'm determined never to be treated like that again.
I am ready to be divorced. I no longer have that fantasy of him changing his mind all of a sudden and realizing what a terrible mistake he made. I just want to be completely separate from him (more separate than oceans can make me), no more shared money. No more house together. Papers signed and done.
I think I'm in love and minus the trust issues above, I'm ecstatic. I love being in love. It's wonderful and dizzying. Right now, I hope it lasts forever. But if it doesn't, I know I'll be ok.
That's my current mental state, so you know where I am now and in future posts. I feel like I'm making good progress towards that goal of being recovered by 6months. 2 months down. 4 months to go!
I've come to the conclusion that my ex was right. We hadn't been in love for years. I thought I would miss him more. I really don't. I miss the security of my marriage and knowing where my future was, but I don't miss him. And if he hadn't been cheating on me, I really feel like I could get over this a lot faster. Which leads me to my next thought...
I don't think all men are scum, but I don't feel like I can trust any of them. Ever. Again. I really hope I move past this one, it's making me exceedingly anxious. Like as in I feel like I've been having a panic attack all day (literal, not metaphorical). Mainly because I feel like I'm damaged and I'll never be trusting again. And I don't want to be damaged. So since I can't stop cyclically thinking about it... yeah.
He was a dick for years, but I couldn't acknowledge it. I made all sorts of excuses for him. Only recently have I been able to confront that I let him treat me like that. I'm determined never to be treated like that again.
I am ready to be divorced. I no longer have that fantasy of him changing his mind all of a sudden and realizing what a terrible mistake he made. I just want to be completely separate from him (more separate than oceans can make me), no more shared money. No more house together. Papers signed and done.
I think I'm in love and minus the trust issues above, I'm ecstatic. I love being in love. It's wonderful and dizzying. Right now, I hope it lasts forever. But if it doesn't, I know I'll be ok.
That's my current mental state, so you know where I am now and in future posts. I feel like I'm making good progress towards that goal of being recovered by 6months. 2 months down. 4 months to go!
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