A goodbye (I hope) letter to boy1

I think I was in love with you, at least for a little bit. A combination of great sex and mutual heart-ache.

I hope last night was the last night I will be seeing you for a while. I still care for you, but more as a friend, less as a lover. You seem younger to me now. As I get over my heart-ache, slowly but surely, and you're still stuck in yours.

My heart will always hold a special place for you. The boy with who I found mutual comfort with, funny, charming, interesting, crazy, and not ready to move on.

Maybe in a couple months when this relationship with boy2 ends (as it surely must) with renewed heart-ache we can get together again. But in the meantime, I left your stuff at your place this morning and took mine with me.

Goodbye (at least for a little while),
Kim

PS. That was dramatic and sappy enough to be in Twilight!!

Exercise

I might have mentioned in the past that I started working out as a way to reduce my anxiety. I don't want to make this an exercise/progress blog, but today I feel like I should talk about it.

I joined the YMCA downstairs so I can workout at lunch time. I started going 2-3 days a week. Mainly for the Wednesday Yoga and soon upped it to 3-4 days a week. I'm now at a steady 5 days a week unless a meeting prevents me from going.

I started out on the elliptical, just upping the resistance and making my heart pound and my limbs hurt. For a little while that extra tension in my chest from all the anxiety was overwhelmed by exercise.

Now though, I'm just addicted to the feeling I get from exercising. Mainly pride in myself for completing something I've never done before. (Because each time is more than I've ever done before.) I don't do the elliptical anymore. On Mondays and Tuesdays I do Spinning (or Studio Cycling, however you want to call it), on Wednesdays and Fridays I do Yoga, and on Thursdays I do something called Bosu Blast.

I haven't lost any weight since that first month when I still wasn't eating very much. But I've gone down 2 jean sizes. :)

Now I'm having issues like not being hydrated enough, and having to eat bananas  (I don't like bananas, they make the back of my throat itch) because I keep getting massive muscle cramps.

Why did I want to talk about this? Not only because it's the hot topic on my brain at the moment (I keep getting reminded by my muscles how much I've been working out), but because if someone were to ask me what the healthiest and/or best thing that has come out of my divorce thus far, I would have to say this habit of working out. Definitely. And if anyone were to ask my advice, if they were in a similar situation and wanted my advice that is, I would tell them that working out is something that will help, they should do it.

Not only the weight loss, but the muscle strength that I'm building makes me feel more confident. More like me. I never knew that exercise would make me happy. In fact, in the past, I've been known to say I would never work out that I hated it and I especially hated running. (I still do hate running actually. Where are you running to? No where! Make fun of my cycling will ya?... :P)

And Yoga brings a peace to my mind that I can experience in no other way right now (except maybe sex).

So, today, every single muscle hurts... but in the future I will be stronger, more flexible, and toned. And I'm so ridiculously proud that I can touch my toes!

A Happy Post

I'm determined to write one, since I always write when I'm introspective or sad.

Today, I got plenty of sleep. Last night, I finally put all those CD's I bought a month ago onto my iPod and made a Snowboarding playlist, in anticipation of awesomeness.I just realized that awesomeness is a real word and not something I made up, because spell-checker works on it. I made a lot of progress on work yesterday. Today is the AWMI Holiday Party/Happy Hour, in which they're paying for cocktails! (I love it when I don't have to pay for alcohol.)

Ok, I just googled AWMI to make sure if you were interested you could easily find out what that acronym meant. And the first thing that came up was Andrew Wommack Ministries. Let me assure you that I am talking about the second one down Association of Women in Metal Industries.

Note: If I use an acronym and don't explain it, it's because I've Googled it to make sure it's easily find-able for interested parties. That way the rest of you can ignore it if you want. BTW, Googled is apparently not a word. I'm going to continue to use it though, because if I say "searched" you'll be under the impression you can use Yahoo or Ask.com or any old search engine and it will be fine. It won't. Use Google always folks. Your search results depend on it.

It's Thursday, so close to the weekend. Tomorrow, there's a Happy Hour with good friends at the Rivertowne Pourhouse. (That place is awesome!!! Great Beer, good food. Very cozy.) Saturday, BFF, her not-bf, and I are going Christmas Tree hunting. Saturday evening, boy2 is apparently making me dinner. Sunday, BFF and I are making Christmas crafts! (Ooooo, I love being crafty!)

So, in general, I am happy today. Not very productive thus far, but happy.

Like I said, there are good and bad days. The emotional scale has been up and down. Which is why I sometimes (ok a lot) feel crazy. I'm not used to all these ups and downs. Still, the shrink promises I'm not crazy for reals.

In the back of my head

In the back of my head, I know and acknowledge a lot of things.

I know that the frequency I've been drinking is unhealthy.
I know that I'm exercising, going on dates, and having sex as a form of validation that I'm still an attractive, interesting person whom guys want to spend time with.
I know that while I'm over the Ex, I'm not over the life we were supposed to have together.
I know I'm not ready for a real relationship yet.
I have enough angst in my life right now, that I'm not too enthused about experiencing any more of it in movie or book format. (Sorry, no "Twilight" for me, BFF. Even if I didn't think it was some of the... well, I'll leave that rant out of here.)


I also know that:

While some days may be worse than others. In general, I am feeling better as time goes on.
Eventually I'll get the hang of this dating thing. And maybe even get up the courage to perform an actual break-up.
Music has become much more important to me lately, and makes me feel wonderful.
I'm getting more used to "alone time". It's not very often. An hour here and there. And then I'm anxious to be in the company of people again.
          Quick Explanation: I have never, ever been alone. I went from living with my parents, to college    dorms, to my relationship with the Ex, to living in a sorority house, to moving to Pittsburgh to be with the Ex. I've been trying to remember what it felt like in high-school to want to be alone.


While I talk with the shrink about some of this stuff, on this blog is where I really take the time to evaluate myself. Introspection and such. Everyday I feel like a different person than I was yesterday. I try to self-evaluate and learn about this new person, but some days it's too much. Some days I just have to get my work done, and then let my brain relax. Besides, I might change my mind tomorrow.

I want to write...

Because I feel angsty (of course), and yet, I've been getting glimpses of true happiness lately.

I didn't even realize how truly unhappy I've been (at this point, you're thinking... really?? You didn't notice??). I guess I'm just used to faking it till I feel it. But recently, there's been a time or two where I've felt that truly happy moment. Listening to music the other night, or appreciating the fall colors. And for a moment or two, it's not tinged with sadness, regret, or current relationship angst.

The only thing I can compare it to is like being in high school again. When I still had so much hope and idealism for the future. When I still thought the world was beautiful and life had the possibility of being a fairy tale.

It's like seeing the opening in the clouds... for a moment the sun shines through and then it's swept away again.

I want that feeling all the time, and I don't know if I can. It would be like the ability to go back in time. But I feel like it's available and out there, waiting for me to grab it. Do I have to go back to working at Renaissance Fairs, or in technical theater and admitting that I think LARPing might be pretty fun? (Also, I've always thought the SCA would be really awesome, though I've never tried it.)

Or can I just listen to some new age music and read a really intense fantasy novel. Imagining that elves really might exist, and if they didn't heroism and romance surely did and I would experience it some day.

I remember being angsty in high school. But I also remember being very sure that I would find true love in the future and that I would make a difference in the world. I had given up on making a difference because I thought I had true love. I was wrong. Could I still make a difference? I know I still have a chance at true love.

If I was going to make a difference, what would I do? I always thought I would love to write a fantasy or sci-fi novel. In fact, when I decided to get a degree in engineering, it was with the thought that maybe I would write an awesome video game or that I would have the expertise to write an awesome sci-fi novel.

Maybe I still can write that novel.

Last Night

... I fell asleep to music for the first time ever. Not Classical Music. Not New Age or anything soothing. Rush, Tenacious D, Bloodhound Gang, Classic Country Gold (it's a mixed CD with really old country on it, think Patsy Cline), Incubus, Linkin Park and The Urge.

It started out as me lying there and jamming out to it. I had had a couple beers (not enough to be seriously drunk). I was exhausted b/c I've been working overtime all week, including that evening, and for the 4 previous days I had woken up at 2 am, not able to get back to sleep till about 4. I know, weird sleep pattern right?

I had just taken a burning hot shower (my favorite type, terrible for your blood pressure and skin, wonderful for relaxation).

As I lay there jamming out to music and not thinking.... I fell asleep. I'm a little concerned because I woke up at about 1am, just to get under the covers, and the music was off. Had it shut itself off? Or had a roomie or BFF gotten tired of hearing the music (it carries) and come upstairs and shut it off. I wouldn't care except I really hadn't gotten dressed after that shower. :D  Oh well, let's hope it turned itself off.

The point was, I felt so relaxed and so good that I passed out. Way the f*ck out. Good times.

Self-Righteousness

I've got a healthy dose of this today. Perhaps spurred on by a nice therapy session last night, perhaps spurred on by this Reddit thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l0jr9/why_do_we_keep_supporting_the_idea_that_we_should/

I have very little tolerance for people that don't try to help themselves. I am fine with you if you're fine with yourself. But don't complain and b*tch to me about the stuff you hate about yourself and do nothing about it.

***Side note, if you are doing something about it, whatever that problem with yourself may be, you are exempt from this. You can complain to me all you want. Because I will bet money that the end of the conversation goes something like this: "But at least I'm doing something about it, I look forward to the day when I don't have this issue anymore!"

Don't worry, I like to b*tch and complain with the best of them, but if I can do something to change it, I will.

This is part of the reason my mother and I don't get along. She wants to complain to me for hours, but at the end of the day, she doesn't want to take any advice and do something to change her situation, she just wants to complain and stay unhappy. I'm pretty sure she thinks this gives her purpose in life.

So what do I recommend?

• If you're fat and unhappy about it. Go on a diet and start exercising. It might not work (at first), but at least you'll know that you're trying to better yourself and you can go to a doctor with your results and see if there's a reason it doesn't work and what you can do about it.
• If you're ugly and unhappy about it (I'd like to interject here and say that there are very few people in this world who are truly unfortunate looking), try on some new clothes, some new make-up, pay for an expensive haircut (this really makes a difference, trust me). Last resort: if you're still unhappy with yourself, get the plastic surgery. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks, if it makes you a happier person, do it!
• If you're unhappy at work, either talk to your boss, or HR to try to do something to change the situation, or start looking into a change in jobs. Due to the economy, you might not get to change jobs, but at least you'll know you're trying to do something to change you're situation. Don't be Michael Bolton from Office Space.
• If you're single and unhappy about it, get on dating websites or go out to bars. I don't care what your preference is for dating, but don't stay home and expect me to be sympathetic when you tell me how no one wants to date you. No one is meeting you!
• If you're poor, get another job or get some education. There are a million loans and scholarships that you don't have to pay back until you've graduated. (I have a theory that if you stay in school forever, you never have to pay them.)
• If you're lonely, get a pet and then go out and meet people!
• If you're sad, make a plan. You might be sad now, but how are you going to fix it? From recent experiences, I recommend: Seeing a therapist of some sort, changing your environment (moving if you have to), going out a lot, dressing up and flirting, dating (maybe not seriously), good sex if you can get it.
• If you're anxious (current situation for me at least), see a therapist, try to cut out from your life whatever is making you anxious, breathe (that one's important), exercise (this helps get out some of that nervous tension), distraction (books, movies, TV, Reddit).  ***Second side note for the day: I just discovered that it's possible to have a happy panic attack. Really just breathing might be the answer here... or typing on your blog if you have one. ;)

Through all this, you can realize that you're little bad habits and flaws are not that big of a deal. I have been trying to quit biting my nails for years. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I'm always trying new things to help myself along (most recently, taking Hair, Skin and Nail vitamin supplements!). Be pro-active, not a drain on society.

And yeah, sure, I make everything sound easy. It's not, it's damn hard. But everyone will have more respect for you trying, and guess what? You'll have more respect for yourself too.

Evaluation Of My Mental State

It's been almost a month since I wrote the "My Story" blog post, and I feel like I've come to terms with a lot of things in that time, so I thought I'd go over some of that so you know where I stand.

I've come to the conclusion that my ex was right. We hadn't been in love for years. I thought I would miss him more. I really don't. I miss the security of my marriage and knowing where my future was, but I don't miss him. And if he hadn't been cheating on me, I really feel like I could get over this a lot faster. Which leads me to my next thought...

I don't think all men are scum, but I don't feel like I can trust any of them. Ever. Again.  I really hope I move past this one, it's making me exceedingly anxious. Like as in I feel like I've been having a panic attack all day (literal, not metaphorical). Mainly because I feel like I'm damaged and I'll never be trusting again. And I don't want to be damaged. So since I can't stop cyclically thinking about it... yeah.

He was a dick for years, but I couldn't acknowledge it. I made all sorts of excuses for him. Only recently have I been able to confront that I let him treat me like that. I'm determined never to be treated like that again.

I am ready to be divorced. I no longer have that fantasy of him changing his mind all of a sudden and realizing what a terrible mistake he made. I just want to be completely separate from him (more separate than oceans can make me), no more shared money. No more house together. Papers signed and done.

I think I'm in love and minus the trust issues above, I'm ecstatic. I love being in love. It's wonderful and dizzying. Right now, I hope it lasts forever. But if it doesn't, I know I'll be ok.

That's my current mental state, so you know where I am now and in future posts. I feel like I'm making good progress towards that goal of being recovered by 6months. 2 months down. 4 months to go!