I haven't been on here in a while. I apologize.
I just got home from my ski-trip vacation. Where I hooked up with boy3. Yep. That's official right there. Unfortunately, though I had been thinking about breaking up with boy2, I hadn't done it yet. Wanting to wait until I had some privacy, I waited until today when I got home to call him and have that break-up conversation.
This is my first break-up conversation ever, I mean unless you count boy1, which I don't because it had been leading up to that for a long time. It was horrible. I decided the best way would just to tell him I was breaking up with him quickly, without any excuses on my part (I mean I really didn't deserve any excuses... sure, he refused to ask me to be his girlfriend and didn't want to see me very often at all, but I'm the one who went out and hooked up with another person after having a talk about being monogamous.)
Not only that, but I told boy2 I loved him... I did for a little while. I think. Maybe I don't know what love is.
What's wrong with me? I feel broken, the old me would never have even remotely considered doing something like that. Being faithful used to be easy.
I can tell myself that I knew that he wasn't a forever guy, that I wasn't his girlfriend, that he only seemed a little into me. But when it comes down to it, I hurt him. And I feel utterly miserable about it.
Of course, I was drunk when this all went down. But I don't think being sober would've stopped me. Boy3 is an old friend, that I've had a crush on for a long time, and I never considered he'd be into me. I mean I hoped and I had dreams, but I never actually thought....
I can't talk about boy3 right now. Probably in a couple days when I feel less devastated about being a terrible person.
Edit: On the bright side for you readers, I re-published some stuff that I took off when things with boy2 got more serious.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Love vs Drama
I realize, as I write this, ok maybe a little before I write this.... that I only write bad things about boy2 on here. It goes back to only wanting to write on this blog when I'm unhappy. So the goal of this blog post is, after complaining, I will list some of the reasons I'm in love with boy2.
But first to get rid of the Drama.
I teased boy2 about the boyfriend girlfriend thing again. I really don't know why I do this. I don't actually care that much about the boyfriend/girlfriend title. Except in terms the public acknowledgment that the titles represent. On that note, I don't know how much public acknowledgement I want to do, you know? What does that mean? Facebook official? Eugh. But I want him to want me to publicly acknowledge him, and I want him to want to publicly acknowledge me. (As a friend put it, I want him to want to scream it from the mountaintops.)
Feelings are complicated.
Ok, back to the story. So I teased him, and it got uncomfortable quick. He said something along the lines of, "I love you, you are the girlfriend without the title. Can we just leave it at that? Assigning titles just fucks stuff up. Things are so great right now."
Yeah, I was upset. I asked him why it would fuck things up and he asked me not to push it. Really?? So I didn't talk to him yesterday. Not really, anyway. And I drank, a lot. But apparently my being upset made him upset enough that he drank on Saturday night. I call this a good sign. Why is it a good sign if he's upset? Because it means he cares. Ok, that sounds crazy girl. It might be crazy girl. But seriously, don't push it??
We've talked a couple times this morning. He's hung over (right now, as I'm writing this.) I explained that I was upset because he won't talk to me about his previous relationships and he said he didn't see why he should and I said "because it's affecting us! There's obviously a reason you think calling me your girlfriend is going to fuck things up and it's not fair to not talk about it if I ask." There was a long pause, and he said "Touche".
I dropped it. I'll bring it back up later, and maybe I'll even write about it. I'm sure we'll resolve things this time. How do I end up with guys who are almost as fucked up as I am. That doesn't seem fair, I deserve a guy that's steady and can handle my crazy girl moments, they're gonna happen, see above for reference.
Still, you get to be my age, and everyone has baggage. And we're finding out each others as we go along. I mean, I was happy he was unhappy today. That's pretty messed up. Thank you, How I Met Your Mother. That show is full of life lessons.
As promised, things I love about boy2.
So, yeah, I'm upset about the boyfriend/girlfriend title thing. But for now, I'm ok. We'll either work it out or it will build up, ball up, with a whole bunch of other things that will eventually lead to a breakup. I hope it doesn't come to that. I love him. :)
But first to get rid of the Drama.
I teased boy2 about the boyfriend girlfriend thing again. I really don't know why I do this. I don't actually care that much about the boyfriend/girlfriend title. Except in terms the public acknowledgment that the titles represent. On that note, I don't know how much public acknowledgement I want to do, you know? What does that mean? Facebook official? Eugh. But I want him to want me to publicly acknowledge him, and I want him to want to publicly acknowledge me. (As a friend put it, I want him to want to scream it from the mountaintops.)
Feelings are complicated.
Ok, back to the story. So I teased him, and it got uncomfortable quick. He said something along the lines of, "I love you, you are the girlfriend without the title. Can we just leave it at that? Assigning titles just fucks stuff up. Things are so great right now."
Yeah, I was upset. I asked him why it would fuck things up and he asked me not to push it. Really?? So I didn't talk to him yesterday. Not really, anyway. And I drank, a lot. But apparently my being upset made him upset enough that he drank on Saturday night. I call this a good sign. Why is it a good sign if he's upset? Because it means he cares. Ok, that sounds crazy girl. It might be crazy girl. But seriously, don't push it??
We've talked a couple times this morning. He's hung over (right now, as I'm writing this.) I explained that I was upset because he won't talk to me about his previous relationships and he said he didn't see why he should and I said "because it's affecting us! There's obviously a reason you think calling me your girlfriend is going to fuck things up and it's not fair to not talk about it if I ask." There was a long pause, and he said "Touche".
I dropped it. I'll bring it back up later, and maybe I'll even write about it. I'm sure we'll resolve things this time. How do I end up with guys who are almost as fucked up as I am. That doesn't seem fair, I deserve a guy that's steady and can handle my crazy girl moments, they're gonna happen, see above for reference.
Still, you get to be my age, and everyone has baggage. And we're finding out each others as we go along. I mean, I was happy he was unhappy today. That's pretty messed up. Thank you, How I Met Your Mother. That show is full of life lessons.
As promised, things I love about boy2.
- Talking. I have never wanted to talk to a guy so much or so often. On the phone! I don't like talking to my best friends on the phone. Seriously, only person I've ever wanted to talk to on the phone.
- He tells me he loves me all the time.
- He tells me I'm beautiful and cute and smart and wonderful.
- His taste in movies and TV shows is pretty awesome.
- He kinda likes my cat, despite being severely allergic to her.
- He makes me laugh.
- We eat muffins the same way (gotta eat the top off first). ;)
- He told me I'm even cute when I whine (lol!!!)
- He's cute, and a little cocky, in a kinda self-conscious way, which I find endearing.
- He told me Thank You for making him try new things.
- He's dependable and reliable.
- He makes me feel wanted and loved.
So, yeah, I'm upset about the boyfriend/girlfriend title thing. But for now, I'm ok. We'll either work it out or it will build up, ball up, with a whole bunch of other things that will eventually lead to a breakup. I hope it doesn't come to that. I love him. :)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Officially Single!
My certificate came in the mail on Friday! :D
How do I feel? Good. I almost had a panic attack on Friday when I got it, but I didn't. I headed it off at the pass, so to say. Why panic? It's just a piece of paper.
Does this mean boy2 asked me to be his girlfriend? No. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he just sucks. I'll give it a couple weeks. Maybe he has something in mind. Or maybe he doesn't. If he doesn't, there's going to be hell to pay.
As in, why am I not seeing other people? Besides the whole being in love with him and comparing every other guy to him, I mean....
Sigh, can I mention again that I'm an idiot? I know I am.
I could still break up with him and make my life easier? Probably not.
He came over late Friday night, he's been working really long hours, so I don't blame him for that. Spent the night and we went to breakfast. Still I told him I want to see him more next week. He should have next Friday off, so I expect us to go out or something.
Should not have driven home on Saturday night after going out with friends. I'm trying not to make this a pattern. I had told myself I wouldn't drink that much when we went out because I would have to drive (too far away for the bus), but it was a whole bunch of people I hadn't seen in a long time and they asked a lot of questions and I got nervous. So I drank more. And more. And then I shouldn't have driven but I did anyway. I feel like the college friend that you steal the keys of so they won't drive.
And then I drunk called boy2.... I wanted him to come over (uh ok, I was drunk, horny, and I wanted company, seriously feeling lonely at this point), he said no. I don't remember most of the conversation. But this morning he called and apologized. Said he didn't feel good the night before and couldn't. Still, was he not feeling good or did he just not want to see me?
This is why I didn't want to be emotionally attached this soon. I'm an idiot.
On another note, I went snowboarding by myself today. Flirted with a French guy. If my face hadn't been so numb I probably could have done a better job of it. Ha! Ce la vie!
How do I feel? Good. I almost had a panic attack on Friday when I got it, but I didn't. I headed it off at the pass, so to say. Why panic? It's just a piece of paper.
Does this mean boy2 asked me to be his girlfriend? No. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he just sucks. I'll give it a couple weeks. Maybe he has something in mind. Or maybe he doesn't. If he doesn't, there's going to be hell to pay.
As in, why am I not seeing other people? Besides the whole being in love with him and comparing every other guy to him, I mean....
Sigh, can I mention again that I'm an idiot? I know I am.
I could still break up with him and make my life easier? Probably not.
He came over late Friday night, he's been working really long hours, so I don't blame him for that. Spent the night and we went to breakfast. Still I told him I want to see him more next week. He should have next Friday off, so I expect us to go out or something.
Should not have driven home on Saturday night after going out with friends. I'm trying not to make this a pattern. I had told myself I wouldn't drink that much when we went out because I would have to drive (too far away for the bus), but it was a whole bunch of people I hadn't seen in a long time and they asked a lot of questions and I got nervous. So I drank more. And more. And then I shouldn't have driven but I did anyway. I feel like the college friend that you steal the keys of so they won't drive.
And then I drunk called boy2.... I wanted him to come over (uh ok, I was drunk, horny, and I wanted company, seriously feeling lonely at this point), he said no. I don't remember most of the conversation. But this morning he called and apologized. Said he didn't feel good the night before and couldn't. Still, was he not feeling good or did he just not want to see me?
This is why I didn't want to be emotionally attached this soon. I'm an idiot.
On another note, I went snowboarding by myself today. Flirted with a French guy. If my face hadn't been so numb I probably could have done a better job of it. Ha! Ce la vie!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Where I stand a week later
Still in love. Feeling less panicky about it, a little more resentful of being in love.
Why? Because all those reasons I listed before for not being in love still apply! (Except for the sex one, he's really stepped it up recently.)
Not only that, but here's some more.
Why? Because all those reasons I listed before for not being in love still apply! (Except for the sex one, he's really stepped it up recently.)
Not only that, but here's some more.
- Am I the only one who doesn't see boy2 as "the other guy"?? It's not like I wear my wedding ring. I turned in all the paperwork and so has the Ex, we can't go back now. In a couple weeks I'll have a certificate in my hand saying "Congratz! You're no longer part of a married couple!" Not only that, but I've been divorced in my heart since maybe 6 weeks after finding out originally. Sure I still have the occasional break-down, which others could interpret as me missing my spouse. And to some extent, they're right. I miss living with someone, depending on someone, having a partner, the life and future we had planned. I'm still grieving that a little. But not the partner himself.
- Side note: today, after turning in the final paperwork, I felt so free. I can almost feel friendly towards the Ex. Not in a way like I would ever want to be with him again. But like I could, probably, see him at a group function and not want to tear his eyes out. So what he's a dick? We're settling everything fairly and I'm happy. For the past two days I've been genuinely joyful. Maybe it's being in love again. Maybe it's just the almost freedom of turning in that paperwork, but I feel great. And I feel like his presence couldn't affect me. I don't know if I'd like to test this yet, but it's a good feeling to have.
- Boy2 has major temper issues. He almost took one of my friends (I'll admit, said friend fits into Socially Awkward Penguin perfectly, and said something pretty insulting. Actually, here's a perfect Socially Awkward Penguin for the situation, see below... There's something to be said for being able to take things in stride though.) out back and gave him a beating after an unfortunate comment with unfortunate timing.
 |
| Definitely wrong person to make this joke too. >.< |
So now I realize that all my friends are really abrasive. I can't help it, I like sarcasm, stupid jokes and a little condescension so I don't feel bad when I do it back. And I can be downright mean. So what does this mean? Now, not only am I afraid to introduce boy2 for fear he'll decide to beat one of my friends up (and with a few exceptions, Nita's hubby, some of my college friends, he could probably take them pretty easily), I'm afraid my friends are jerks and any future guys I date won't be able to stand up to them. But I wouldn't want to be friends with a bunch of saps, how boring!! Ahh, brain aneurysm!
On a totally different note, my new, fancy, $200 (that only cost me $100 because it was on sale) keyboard arrived today. It's so awesome! I wanted to game on it all night, and what did I do? I ended up blogging instead. On 2 different blogs. Sigh. Sometimes I'm such an idiot.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Fuuuuuuuck
How did I fall in love? When did this happen?
I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?
Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.
I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.
What do I do?
How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?
Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:
Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?
Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.
I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.
Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.
Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.
Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.
So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.
This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.
I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?
Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.
I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.
What do I do?
How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?
Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:
Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?
Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.
I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.
Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.
Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.
Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.
So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.
This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
A goodbye (I hope) letter to boy1
I think I was in love with you, at least for a little bit. A combination of great sex and mutual heart-ache.
I hope last night was the last night I will be seeing you for a while. I still care for you, but more as a friend, less as a lover. You seem younger to me now. As I get over my heart-ache, slowly but surely, and you're still stuck in yours.
My heart will always hold a special place for you. The boy with who I found mutual comfort with, funny, charming, interesting, crazy, and not ready to move on.
Maybe in a couple months when this relationship with boy2 ends (as it surely must) with renewed heart-ache we can get together again. But in the meantime, I left your stuff at your place this morning and took mine with me.
Goodbye (at least for a little while),
Kim
PS. That was dramatic and sappy enough to be in Twilight!!
I hope last night was the last night I will be seeing you for a while. I still care for you, but more as a friend, less as a lover. You seem younger to me now. As I get over my heart-ache, slowly but surely, and you're still stuck in yours.
My heart will always hold a special place for you. The boy with who I found mutual comfort with, funny, charming, interesting, crazy, and not ready to move on.
Maybe in a couple months when this relationship with boy2 ends (as it surely must) with renewed heart-ache we can get together again. But in the meantime, I left your stuff at your place this morning and took mine with me.
Goodbye (at least for a little while),
Kim
PS. That was dramatic and sappy enough to be in Twilight!!
Friday, December 16, 2011
The pitfalls of sites like OKCupid
This week has been hectic and exhausting and I wanted to write about something other then dating, but I just can't yet because I haven't had the time to write!
So, first things first. The #3 Date, with the guy there was no spark with and I didn't know if I had to/should do anything about it... a friend advised that I didn't have to really say anything as long as we both let it go. He sent me a message apologizing for a crappy 1st date (really? it wasn't his fault... how much of a push-over can you be?) and asking for a second chance. Nope. Don't wanna go on a second date, don't have to. But.... if I don't respond with anything now, that's a total b*tch move right? The girl that went on one date with him and never talked to him again?
Ok, just got to suck it up buttercup and reply saying "No thank you, you're very nice, but you're not for me." (Eugh! That sucks!! Any eloquent words that will not sound so crappy? No? Thanks for trying.)
Secondly. There was this guy on OkCupid, I thought he was decent looking, and we seemed really compatible, unfortunately he was leaving for vacation, so we agreed to meet after Christmas. I didn't get onto OkCupid for a couple days because I've been crazy busy. I have like 20 messages from this guy.... None of them creepy, ok one of them creepy, asking what he "did wrong?", but the rest fairly decent, except I haven't replied so it's like he's talking to himself... I am getting a super creepy vibe from this and I feel bad because it's possible he's just really interested.
Oh, also, apparently he found my facebook. My facebook is really hard to find as my name is so generic, so I find this creepy too. He hasn't asked to friend me, he's just found me and apparently some of my pics are viewable? (I really didn't think this was the case, maybe he's got me mixed up with some other girl, I'm pretty sure I don't have any bikini pics up anyway.) Ok, I was on the fence about this, but the more I talk about it, the more creeped out I am, so yeah, I'm going to block him. I shouldn't feel guilty about this right??
Ok, gtg. Yay for Christmas parties!! (There's so many of them this time of year!)
So, first things first. The #3 Date, with the guy there was no spark with and I didn't know if I had to/should do anything about it... a friend advised that I didn't have to really say anything as long as we both let it go. He sent me a message apologizing for a crappy 1st date (really? it wasn't his fault... how much of a push-over can you be?) and asking for a second chance. Nope. Don't wanna go on a second date, don't have to. But.... if I don't respond with anything now, that's a total b*tch move right? The girl that went on one date with him and never talked to him again?
Ok, just got to suck it up buttercup and reply saying "No thank you, you're very nice, but you're not for me." (Eugh! That sucks!! Any eloquent words that will not sound so crappy? No? Thanks for trying.)
Secondly. There was this guy on OkCupid, I thought he was decent looking, and we seemed really compatible, unfortunately he was leaving for vacation, so we agreed to meet after Christmas. I didn't get onto OkCupid for a couple days because I've been crazy busy. I have like 20 messages from this guy.... None of them creepy, ok one of them creepy, asking what he "did wrong?", but the rest fairly decent, except I haven't replied so it's like he's talking to himself... I am getting a super creepy vibe from this and I feel bad because it's possible he's just really interested.
Oh, also, apparently he found my facebook. My facebook is really hard to find as my name is so generic, so I find this creepy too. He hasn't asked to friend me, he's just found me and apparently some of my pics are viewable? (I really didn't think this was the case, maybe he's got me mixed up with some other girl, I'm pretty sure I don't have any bikini pics up anyway.) Ok, I was on the fence about this, but the more I talk about it, the more creeped out I am, so yeah, I'm going to block him. I shouldn't feel guilty about this right??
Ok, gtg. Yay for Christmas parties!! (There's so many of them this time of year!)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Date 2- finally?
So, I didn't get to update you on Date 2 yet. That's because I've been so exhausted.
So I went to the shrink on Monday. She ordered an extra session because I was so upset the previous week. But I was feeling pretty good this week. We talked about some of my mother issues. A lot of stuff stems from her, but I'm guessing even the most dense of my readers could have figured that out. I think I've mentioned that I haven't really talked to her for almost a year now. However, I also feel the need to point out the irony of a shrink wanting to talk about my mother issues. It's almost as bad as the couch right? :D
So anyways, I had my 2nd date after my shrinking. We met up at the bar where we had met the first time. We had a great time, conversation was flowing. He's still cute. He's still dorky. I got extra drunk. (omg, it's totally not fair that 4 beers gets me trashed.) Though I'm pretty sure he didn't notice. I've been told I maintain well.
We made out by my car for a little while. He told me full disclosure that he had just gotten out of a long relationship (5 years). I told him I understood and I wasn't looking for anything serious, and I meant it. I like making out with him, probably more when I'm drunk then when I'm sober. And I like talking and hanging out with him, but I don't want really anything more from him. He's leaving town for Christmas this weekend, he said he'd call when he got back. I said cool.
Once again, I'm ok if he never calls again. I had fun. If I see him again though, I might have to start calling him boy3. ;)
Then I drove home drunk (I know, I'm not proud of this. Even if it is literally a 2 minute drive, I should've walked home and gotten my car the next day. >.<) It was cold out and he didn't notice I was drunk enough to protest. So, parallel parking was really hard when I got home, but I succeeded and proceeded to call Boy2, who was sweet as normal and making fun of me for going out on a Monday night and getting drunk off 4 beers. Not just drunk, plowed.
It was almost midnight at this point, when I crawled into my bed and passed out after drinking a bottle of water. Only a little bit of a hangover the next day. But I'm exhausted. It's Thursday (it took me a long time to write this) and I am still tired from Monday night.
My life is exhausting recently.
So I went to the shrink on Monday. She ordered an extra session because I was so upset the previous week. But I was feeling pretty good this week. We talked about some of my mother issues. A lot of stuff stems from her, but I'm guessing even the most dense of my readers could have figured that out. I think I've mentioned that I haven't really talked to her for almost a year now. However, I also feel the need to point out the irony of a shrink wanting to talk about my mother issues. It's almost as bad as the couch right? :D
So anyways, I had my 2nd date after my shrinking. We met up at the bar where we had met the first time. We had a great time, conversation was flowing. He's still cute. He's still dorky. I got extra drunk. (omg, it's totally not fair that 4 beers gets me trashed.) Though I'm pretty sure he didn't notice. I've been told I maintain well.
We made out by my car for a little while. He told me full disclosure that he had just gotten out of a long relationship (5 years). I told him I understood and I wasn't looking for anything serious, and I meant it. I like making out with him, probably more when I'm drunk then when I'm sober. And I like talking and hanging out with him, but I don't want really anything more from him. He's leaving town for Christmas this weekend, he said he'd call when he got back. I said cool.
Once again, I'm ok if he never calls again. I had fun. If I see him again though, I might have to start calling him boy3. ;)
Then I drove home drunk (I know, I'm not proud of this. Even if it is literally a 2 minute drive, I should've walked home and gotten my car the next day. >.<) It was cold out and he didn't notice I was drunk enough to protest. So, parallel parking was really hard when I got home, but I succeeded and proceeded to call Boy2, who was sweet as normal and making fun of me for going out on a Monday night and getting drunk off 4 beers. Not just drunk, plowed.
It was almost midnight at this point, when I crawled into my bed and passed out after drinking a bottle of water. Only a little bit of a hangover the next day. But I'm exhausted. It's Thursday (it took me a long time to write this) and I am still tired from Monday night.
My life is exhausting recently.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The Weekend of Dates: Dates 2 & 3
Date 2: Didn't happen yet! lol. The guy from the bar cancelled saying he had to work last minute and asking if we could meet up at D's again on Monday. I said sure. I'm cool with this, I'd rather it be more casual anyway. :P
Date 3: I just got back from it. The guy was really nice, there was just no spark at all. I could tell he was one of those guys who would bend over backwards and do anything I want. Which I, unfortunately, find very unattractive. I like some backbone in a guy.
Plus, I kept thinking about boy2. How much more fun I'd be having if I was on a date with him. Wondering how he was doing (since he was planning on drinking heavily last night with an old buddy and not planning on calling me until later today). Thinking about how much more I liked boy2 then this new guy.
Yep, not seeing new guy again.
I'm a little worried that I might be leaning more towards the big L word with boy2.... and I really don't think I'm ready for that. So are you ready for some awesome denial? Cause here it comes.
Reasons I can't be the big L word with boy2:
Date 3: I just got back from it. The guy was really nice, there was just no spark at all. I could tell he was one of those guys who would bend over backwards and do anything I want. Which I, unfortunately, find very unattractive. I like some backbone in a guy.
Plus, I kept thinking about boy2. How much more fun I'd be having if I was on a date with him. Wondering how he was doing (since he was planning on drinking heavily last night with an old buddy and not planning on calling me until later today). Thinking about how much more I liked boy2 then this new guy.
Yep, not seeing new guy again.
I'm a little worried that I might be leaning more towards the big L word with boy2.... and I really don't think I'm ready for that. So are you ready for some awesome denial? Cause here it comes.
Reasons I can't be the big L word with boy2:
- I'm still not a huge fan of sex with him! (The shrink promises this is trainable, but I have serious doubts) It's not that I'm not sexually attracted to him. I get all tingly when we kiss. But sex with him is boring and unimaginative. I get off, but it's the same way every-time. Also, I don't feel like he enjoys sex with me all that much. :(
- He has an epic temper. It's never been directed at me, but I saw it in action a week ago, and it's something.
- He makes me feel nerdy. Ok, this one's hard to describe. It's really that sometimes he makes me feel self-conscious about being nerdy. I don't know if this is really him though or I'm projecting. Apparently I do this a lot. If I don't know exactly how a person will respond, I assume a bad trait from my ex. >.<;; Can't help it. I can't even tell when I'm doing it most the time.
- I still text with boy1. Though it's become less and less and I haven't slept with him for a couple weeks now. I still think boy1 is the best sex I've ever had and sometimes think about having sex with him. But there's usually a reason not to. I'm tired or there's something else to do, or I just don't want to. Sometimes I think about boy2 and just don't want to.
- Boy2 is adamantly against cruises. I love cruises!!! (He thinks he would be seasick.) Though I thought he was against traveling with me, but the other night he said he would go to the Great Barrier Reef with me when I wistfully stated I really wanted to go there. He's still really against cruises though. I wonder if I could coax him onto a 3 day cruise with me to prove that you can't feel the boat move...
- I worry that boy2 will not get along well with my friends. I have a wide variety of friends and they are my family. I won't tolerate someone being an asshole to any of them.
- He's a lot better at hinting and taking hints than I am. This isn't really a detriment except that I feel he might be getting totally different signals from me then I think I'm giving because I miss his hints. I am not good at picking up hints. Please just tell me what you want!
Definitely not the big L word. Definitely.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
The Weekend of dates: Date 1
You know, I just really really like boy2 when I'm with him. I had a great time last night. We went to Outback Steakhouse (I had a gift-card from this professional society Christmas gift thing, free dinner, woot!), then we went and got a couple beers at some local bars.
Pretty standard date. But great conversation with a little kissing. A lot of kissing at the end of the night.
It doesn't stop the fact that I want to see other people. And if I want to see other people... he can't be the one.
Pretty standard date. But great conversation with a little kissing. A lot of kissing at the end of the night.
It doesn't stop the fact that I want to see other people. And if I want to see other people... he can't be the one.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Quick! Before the weekend starts!
Get in a blog post!
So the guy from Monday night at the bar called. I have a date with him tomorrow. Crazy! Doing what I have no idea. He's calling after he gets off work at 1pm. :)
Tonight, I have a date with boy2. We're going to Outback Steakhouse.
Sunday, I have a date with a guy I met on OKCupid. We're going to lunch for Japanese/Chinese, something.
I've been talking with another guy on OKCupid who I will be meeting after Christmas (he goes on vacation on Monday and won't be back till Christmas).
I'm still occasionally texting/seeing boy1.
In case you can't count, that's 5 boys. At the same time.
I just... my brain feels stopped. This is a lot of juggling I'm taking on. I feel like things are going to get complicated quickly. I should probably start narrowing down the field a little, right? Meh, I'll just go with the shrink's advice and let things flow. Try not to worry about it.
Deep Breath. In and Out.
*doing a little jig* I'm a playa!
So the guy from Monday night at the bar called. I have a date with him tomorrow. Crazy! Doing what I have no idea. He's calling after he gets off work at 1pm. :)
Tonight, I have a date with boy2. We're going to Outback Steakhouse.
Sunday, I have a date with a guy I met on OKCupid. We're going to lunch for Japanese/Chinese, something.
I've been talking with another guy on OKCupid who I will be meeting after Christmas (he goes on vacation on Monday and won't be back till Christmas).
I'm still occasionally texting/seeing boy1.
In case you can't count, that's 5 boys. At the same time.
I just... my brain feels stopped. This is a lot of juggling I'm taking on. I feel like things are going to get complicated quickly. I should probably start narrowing down the field a little, right? Meh, I'll just go with the shrink's advice and let things flow. Try not to worry about it.
Deep Breath. In and Out.
*doing a little jig* I'm a playa!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Update 12-7-11
Wooo. A lot has happened in the last couple of days. When I wrote the "Random" post I was drunk. 3 beers and a make-out session later. Prompted by a devastating visit to the shrink. I say devastating just because that's how I feel emotionally when she gets done with me. Better, more stable, more able to take on the world, but devastated. It's probably because she can always make me cry when I need to. If you remember a couple posts back I was having problems with that. Well, I got that out of the way as of Monday!
But yeah, so after the cry fest, and deciding that I needed to see her again next week as opposed to waiting 2 weeks, I needed a beer and some dinner. I got both sitting next to a cute guy. We started talking and hit it off. A little. Ok, I kinda just wanted to see what it was like to pick a guy up at the bar. ;) He hasn't called and I'm cool with that. But it really did remind me that I wanted to date.
I had a revelation the other day. I realized that I can trust a guy to love me, but it's going to be a lot of work to believe that he will continue to love me. Yeah.... that sucks. That I'll always be wondering when a guy will want to leave me. Will I ever feel secure enough to get married again? I'd like to think so. Hopefully, this is just for now....
So, even though boy2 and I are good again, seemingly. I got onto OkCupid for the fun of it. Wow, the response was overwhelming. I like being told how pretty I am and awesome and all that stuff, but it means there's a lot to wade through as far as choice right now. Seriously, am I complaining that I have my choice of boys to date? Yes I am, it's a lot of reading! Besides, I like reading the personality question things and that takes a looong time.
Do I plan on dating another person? I think so. Boy2 hasn't asked for any kind of commitment. What will I do when that first conflict happens? Will I tell boy2 that I've got a date? I think I would have to... I don't want to lie to him (*cough* any more then I have via omission). Yeah, I feel really weird about it, but the shrink keeps telling me it's his own fault for not asking me to commit.
So now it's Wednesday, I don't have plans for tonight. Tomorrow is boy2's b-day, I might or might not have plans with him. If I don't, I have a Christmas Party to go to. :) So what am I going to do tonight? Maybe I'll get to watch Serenity like I've been meaning to. (Nope never seen it! Can't wait!)
But yeah, so after the cry fest, and deciding that I needed to see her again next week as opposed to waiting 2 weeks, I needed a beer and some dinner. I got both sitting next to a cute guy. We started talking and hit it off. A little. Ok, I kinda just wanted to see what it was like to pick a guy up at the bar. ;) He hasn't called and I'm cool with that. But it really did remind me that I wanted to date.
I had a revelation the other day. I realized that I can trust a guy to love me, but it's going to be a lot of work to believe that he will continue to love me. Yeah.... that sucks. That I'll always be wondering when a guy will want to leave me. Will I ever feel secure enough to get married again? I'd like to think so. Hopefully, this is just for now....
So, even though boy2 and I are good again, seemingly. I got onto OkCupid for the fun of it. Wow, the response was overwhelming. I like being told how pretty I am and awesome and all that stuff, but it means there's a lot to wade through as far as choice right now. Seriously, am I complaining that I have my choice of boys to date? Yes I am, it's a lot of reading! Besides, I like reading the personality question things and that takes a looong time.
Do I plan on dating another person? I think so. Boy2 hasn't asked for any kind of commitment. What will I do when that first conflict happens? Will I tell boy2 that I've got a date? I think I would have to... I don't want to lie to him (*cough* any more then I have via omission). Yeah, I feel really weird about it, but the shrink keeps telling me it's his own fault for not asking me to commit.
So now it's Wednesday, I don't have plans for tonight. Tomorrow is boy2's b-day, I might or might not have plans with him. If I don't, I have a Christmas Party to go to. :) So what am I going to do tonight? Maybe I'll get to watch Serenity like I've been meaning to. (Nope never seen it! Can't wait!)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Random
I just made out (nothing more, yay Kim for self restraint!) with a guy I met at a bar. Dammit, my go-to bar after shrinking too. He seems cool. My age. A little short. Damn. I really wish he were taller. :P I gave him my #... why did I do that??
*facepalm* More updates tomorrow or whenever he contacts me. If he does. I'm ok with not.
Another Update: after much spillage to the shrink and a little apologizing from boy2, I am still seeing boy2. More updates later about that too!
I am not excited about how complicated my life is right now.
Btw, good post Eates! I can't say I hope you keep it up b/c that would mean you were still going through a lot of angst and hurt, but yeah, hope you feel better soon!
*facepalm* More updates tomorrow or whenever he contacts me. If he does. I'm ok with not.
Another Update: after much spillage to the shrink and a little apologizing from boy2, I am still seeing boy2. More updates later about that too!
I am not excited about how complicated my life is right now.
Btw, good post Eates! I can't say I hope you keep it up b/c that would mean you were still going through a lot of angst and hurt, but yeah, hope you feel better soon!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sticking to my guns...
(11:21pm Sunday)
I think I got two metaphors mixed up there... Still.
I am angry. I will not give in and text or call him. I want an apology. He was a dick to me.
He was half asleep... Might not even remember being a dick, or why I'm pissed at him.
Still, he knows I'm pissed at him. Why do guys always think it's a good idea to leave a girl alone when she's pissed? Maybe for a little while, after that I want to be pursued, apologized to and hugged. Hell, it probably wouldn't have gotten to the pissed stage if I had received a hug and a sorry almost immediately...
Maybe I could just text him "hey..." let him know I'm open to a coversation if he'd like to start apologizing.
But if I do that I lose all my power right?
Why am I even worried about it? I said I wanted to break up with him. This fight is as good of an opportunity as any. Is it just because I hate conflict this much? Maybe it's just that I want to make it clear why I'm pissed. Maybe I actually like him more then I've been willing to admit.
Dammit no, the sex still isn't that good. I want to date other guys, but I like having him around too. That's not fair.
I want him to want to contact me. So I can tell him he's a dick and he can apologize and then what? Grrr...
What if he didn't apologize? That would be bullsh*t and I wouldn't stand for it right? right?
I thought he would've called by now... (pitiful)
Update(2:41pm the Monday): I have to admit I broke down and texted him. Still I feel like my text was borderline. "Hey... you can call me if you want."
He did call about 20 minutes later. It wasn't the best conversation. With him telling me he wasn't going to change and me telling him I didn't care if he changed, but it didn't mean he could treat me like crap either... Yeah... He said he'd text me in the morning. No text. So if I don't hear from him today can I assume we're not dating anymore? Or do I have to actually say the words?
I think I got two metaphors mixed up there... Still.
I am angry. I will not give in and text or call him. I want an apology. He was a dick to me.
He was half asleep... Might not even remember being a dick, or why I'm pissed at him.
Still, he knows I'm pissed at him. Why do guys always think it's a good idea to leave a girl alone when she's pissed? Maybe for a little while, after that I want to be pursued, apologized to and hugged. Hell, it probably wouldn't have gotten to the pissed stage if I had received a hug and a sorry almost immediately...
Maybe I could just text him "hey..." let him know I'm open to a coversation if he'd like to start apologizing.
But if I do that I lose all my power right?
Why am I even worried about it? I said I wanted to break up with him. This fight is as good of an opportunity as any. Is it just because I hate conflict this much? Maybe it's just that I want to make it clear why I'm pissed. Maybe I actually like him more then I've been willing to admit.
Dammit no, the sex still isn't that good. I want to date other guys, but I like having him around too. That's not fair.
I want him to want to contact me. So I can tell him he's a dick and he can apologize and then what? Grrr...
What if he didn't apologize? That would be bullsh*t and I wouldn't stand for it right? right?
I thought he would've called by now... (pitiful)
Update(2:41pm the Monday): I have to admit I broke down and texted him. Still I feel like my text was borderline. "Hey... you can call me if you want."
He did call about 20 minutes later. It wasn't the best conversation. With him telling me he wasn't going to change and me telling him I didn't care if he changed, but it didn't mean he could treat me like crap either... Yeah... He said he'd text me in the morning. No text. So if I don't hear from him today can I assume we're not dating anymore? Or do I have to actually say the words?
Monday, November 28, 2011
On being a nerd...
I grew up nerdy. I read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy. I read a lot, period. I loved my Dad's book from National Geographic called, "The Universe". I wore glasses. I was teased a lot. I started out as an extremely outgoing little girl, but the longer I was in school the shyer and more introverted I became. I figured the quieter I was the less I would be teased about my "weird" ideas. I was the type of girls that liked to ask uncomfortable questions, like the sophist classic "What if I'm the only real person here? That would mean you're a figment of my imagination." These questions don't make 7 year old's like you.
My quietness, by the time I reached High School, had started to come off as bitchiness. I didn't know how to respond when guys flirted with me, it felt a lot like being teased. I was too smart for a lot of my public school classes, so I read books during the class and did my homework when I got it in the rest of class. I was a child that would have welcomed extra classes after school, but my parents were never the kind to push for that type of thing, and I didn't know it existed to ask.
By my Junior year of high school. I had made a firm group of friends, of which I was the least weird. Their weirdness fascinated me. I was introduced to anime, video games (Super Mario doesn't count, this was true RPG gaming for the Playstation), the Renaissance festival, drama, technical theatre, and DnD. Most of these friends were older than me. My best friend was my age, and that was about it. I probably won't be going to my high school reunion, only because I wouldn't get to see this group, so what's the point?
I was editor of the Literary Magazine, easily in honor societies that required attendance, I didn't bother attending. I was in Chamber Choir and whatever the big choir was called, and I was taking vocal lessons to perform solo and in small ensembles. I was the sound guru/Stage Manager for the Technical Theatre group. I easily earned my "letters" in Drama and Choir, but never bothered to buy a letterman jacket. The summer before, I worked at the local Renaissance Festival as a street performer. Pretty costume and lots of fun!
When I went to college, I knew that I loved all that geeky stuff. On top of that I loved gadgets and gizmos and I wanted to major in Computer Science (not realizing that computer science majors don't typically get to write video games). I was beginning to be comfortable with myself. I went off to my nerdy college (seriously, I picked the nerdiest college I could find. Specializing in Engineering, the guy/girl ratio was 4/1 my freshman year. In my senior year it had become normal to be the only girl in a class of 30+, I didn't even notice it anymore.), resolved to show and act with more confidence. Btw, like most college students, I changed my mind on what I wanted to major in, I ended up with a degree in Engineering Management.
I had dated 4 guys at this point, only 1 "long term" of 6 months, the others for a month or less at a time. I had spent my summer outside working at the local amusement park, so I was tanner then I had ever been (or ever will be again, I'm sure) even though it was a farmers tan. I had dated 3 of those 4 guys that summer. Been flirted with, told I was cute. I was feeling very confident that I was going to a college of like-minded individuals whom I would form intellectual, and hopefully some physical (boys!!) connections with.
I joined one of the 3 Sororities on campus (compare to the 21 Fraternities on campus), and found a group of sisters who shared my interest in all things nerdy. ***For those few of you that I gave this link to, I just want to plug an I love you and AOT!*** Further expanding my nerdiness by exploring things like DDR, Diablo II, Final Fantasy, Knitting, DM (Dungeon Master) for DnD, I also learned about my less nerdy side. I like to dress up and be girly. Turns out I have a talent for chugging beer, though not the tolerance to back it up. I became the President of my Sorority for 1.5 terms (it's a long story). I also had no qualms about winning pie-eating contests (I'm not fat, so why would I be self-conscious about it?), or participating in "couch-burnings" - it was southern Missouri.
Afterwards, I realized that despite being in a sorority, guys had influenced my tastes and opinions in video games, TV shows, movies and porn (yep porn), way more than my sorority sisters had. I like a lot of "dude" things. I can quote Super Troopers and Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Out Cold. I have an opinion on different types of porn (I really do. I think most porn is funny, not so much a turn on. So if I'm going to watch a porn, I prefer it to be as 70's-esque as possible, with big mustaches and bigger bushes. Sorry, while I very much enjoy having sex myself, I think watching other people have sex is just funny.) I don't like first-person shooter games, they make me nauseous (it's the first person view) not to mention that I just don't have the reaction time required to be good at them. I hate sports games because I don't get sports, the appeal, and from lack of reaction time as stated above. I love RPG's, a good cinematic will get me everytime. For a while in college, my nickname was Neverwinter Nights because I played it constantly until I won it and then started over again. I've developed a deep and abiding love for an MMO. I can have a sustained conversation about raiding in WoW and have opinions.
I still love to read, especially Science Fiction and Fantasy novels, I'm always looking for a good author. I'm currently reading: "Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Before that I read a vampire novel and before that I was re-reading a romance novel. I can give you my theory on how the Zombie Apocolypse will happen, and I own a 22 rifle, though I've never been hunting and I have no desire to. I also have a great fondness for the idea of dragons and fairies, knights in shining armor and pirates. This is why I still love a good Renaissance Festival (I'm a Renn Faire snob, btw, critical of shows, crafts and the size. For example, I'll go to the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival if that's my only choice, but I much prefer a bigger festival that draws better shows). I've always thought joining the SCA would be fun, and that I can understand why people LARP and though I have no motivation to do it on my own, could probably be convinced if someone wanted to take the time to persuade me. I love that scene from The Labyrinth where she's dressed up in the park reciting poetry, I can totally understand the urge on a beautiful spring day. I've never done it, but I understand it.
In other words, I am a super-geek. I keep it pretty well hidden in my normal life. With it emerging occasionally in conversation when I figure out that the other person would be amenable to such a topic. But most of the time it's under wraps. I've been told that I still let that left-over shyness from high-school take over occasionally (This is how that conversation tends to go [scene: getting drunk with good girl-friend at a bar] "I totally thought you were a bitch when I first met you, but I was wrong! You're the sweetest girl ever!" Me, concerned: "Why did you think I was a bitch?" "You were just so quiet, you wouldn't talk back to me when I talked to you!" "Oh, I was just shy." "I know that now!!" [also, I feel devastated every time I have this conversation, wondering who else I've been a bitch to. And I know this isn't just one person, I have had this conversation multiple, multiple times]).
I try to not do this when I first start dating a guy, but I do. I clam up. It feels physically impossible to talk sometimes, like there's something in my throat stopping me. Heck, the last time I went on a first date, I apologized because I couldn't make eye-contact. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder if I don't just want to have sex on the first date just so I can loosen up and relax.
Sigh, I try to let boys who I'm interested in dating know that deep down inside I'm really really geeky, but they don't really understand until much later into it. And I just want a cute boy who will geek out with me. Maybe convince me that LARPing would totally be worth the risk of ridicule. Ok, maybe not. I'm kindof clumsy, I might loose an eye trying to do that.
My quietness, by the time I reached High School, had started to come off as bitchiness. I didn't know how to respond when guys flirted with me, it felt a lot like being teased. I was too smart for a lot of my public school classes, so I read books during the class and did my homework when I got it in the rest of class. I was a child that would have welcomed extra classes after school, but my parents were never the kind to push for that type of thing, and I didn't know it existed to ask.
By my Junior year of high school. I had made a firm group of friends, of which I was the least weird. Their weirdness fascinated me. I was introduced to anime, video games (Super Mario doesn't count, this was true RPG gaming for the Playstation), the Renaissance festival, drama, technical theatre, and DnD. Most of these friends were older than me. My best friend was my age, and that was about it. I probably won't be going to my high school reunion, only because I wouldn't get to see this group, so what's the point?
I was editor of the Literary Magazine, easily in honor societies that required attendance, I didn't bother attending. I was in Chamber Choir and whatever the big choir was called, and I was taking vocal lessons to perform solo and in small ensembles. I was the sound guru/Stage Manager for the Technical Theatre group. I easily earned my "letters" in Drama and Choir, but never bothered to buy a letterman jacket. The summer before, I worked at the local Renaissance Festival as a street performer. Pretty costume and lots of fun!
When I went to college, I knew that I loved all that geeky stuff. On top of that I loved gadgets and gizmos and I wanted to major in Computer Science (not realizing that computer science majors don't typically get to write video games). I was beginning to be comfortable with myself. I went off to my nerdy college (seriously, I picked the nerdiest college I could find. Specializing in Engineering, the guy/girl ratio was 4/1 my freshman year. In my senior year it had become normal to be the only girl in a class of 30+, I didn't even notice it anymore.), resolved to show and act with more confidence. Btw, like most college students, I changed my mind on what I wanted to major in, I ended up with a degree in Engineering Management.
I had dated 4 guys at this point, only 1 "long term" of 6 months, the others for a month or less at a time. I had spent my summer outside working at the local amusement park, so I was tanner then I had ever been (or ever will be again, I'm sure) even though it was a farmers tan. I had dated 3 of those 4 guys that summer. Been flirted with, told I was cute. I was feeling very confident that I was going to a college of like-minded individuals whom I would form intellectual, and hopefully some physical (boys!!) connections with.
I joined one of the 3 Sororities on campus (compare to the 21 Fraternities on campus), and found a group of sisters who shared my interest in all things nerdy. ***For those few of you that I gave this link to, I just want to plug an I love you and AOT!*** Further expanding my nerdiness by exploring things like DDR, Diablo II, Final Fantasy, Knitting, DM (Dungeon Master) for DnD, I also learned about my less nerdy side. I like to dress up and be girly. Turns out I have a talent for chugging beer, though not the tolerance to back it up. I became the President of my Sorority for 1.5 terms (it's a long story). I also had no qualms about winning pie-eating contests (I'm not fat, so why would I be self-conscious about it?), or participating in "couch-burnings" - it was southern Missouri.
Afterwards, I realized that despite being in a sorority, guys had influenced my tastes and opinions in video games, TV shows, movies and porn (yep porn), way more than my sorority sisters had. I like a lot of "dude" things. I can quote Super Troopers and Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Out Cold. I have an opinion on different types of porn (I really do. I think most porn is funny, not so much a turn on. So if I'm going to watch a porn, I prefer it to be as 70's-esque as possible, with big mustaches and bigger bushes. Sorry, while I very much enjoy having sex myself, I think watching other people have sex is just funny.) I don't like first-person shooter games, they make me nauseous (it's the first person view) not to mention that I just don't have the reaction time required to be good at them. I hate sports games because I don't get sports, the appeal, and from lack of reaction time as stated above. I love RPG's, a good cinematic will get me everytime. For a while in college, my nickname was Neverwinter Nights because I played it constantly until I won it and then started over again. I've developed a deep and abiding love for an MMO. I can have a sustained conversation about raiding in WoW and have opinions.
I still love to read, especially Science Fiction and Fantasy novels, I'm always looking for a good author. I'm currently reading: "Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Before that I read a vampire novel and before that I was re-reading a romance novel. I can give you my theory on how the Zombie Apocolypse will happen, and I own a 22 rifle, though I've never been hunting and I have no desire to. I also have a great fondness for the idea of dragons and fairies, knights in shining armor and pirates. This is why I still love a good Renaissance Festival (I'm a Renn Faire snob, btw, critical of shows, crafts and the size. For example, I'll go to the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival if that's my only choice, but I much prefer a bigger festival that draws better shows). I've always thought joining the SCA would be fun, and that I can understand why people LARP and though I have no motivation to do it on my own, could probably be convinced if someone wanted to take the time to persuade me. I love that scene from The Labyrinth where she's dressed up in the park reciting poetry, I can totally understand the urge on a beautiful spring day. I've never done it, but I understand it.
In other words, I am a super-geek. I keep it pretty well hidden in my normal life. With it emerging occasionally in conversation when I figure out that the other person would be amenable to such a topic. But most of the time it's under wraps. I've been told that I still let that left-over shyness from high-school take over occasionally (This is how that conversation tends to go [scene: getting drunk with good girl-friend at a bar] "I totally thought you were a bitch when I first met you, but I was wrong! You're the sweetest girl ever!" Me, concerned: "Why did you think I was a bitch?" "You were just so quiet, you wouldn't talk back to me when I talked to you!" "Oh, I was just shy." "I know that now!!" [also, I feel devastated every time I have this conversation, wondering who else I've been a bitch to. And I know this isn't just one person, I have had this conversation multiple, multiple times]).
I try to not do this when I first start dating a guy, but I do. I clam up. It feels physically impossible to talk sometimes, like there's something in my throat stopping me. Heck, the last time I went on a first date, I apologized because I couldn't make eye-contact. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder if I don't just want to have sex on the first date just so I can loosen up and relax.
Sigh, I try to let boys who I'm interested in dating know that deep down inside I'm really really geeky, but they don't really understand until much later into it. And I just want a cute boy who will geek out with me. Maybe convince me that LARPing would totally be worth the risk of ridicule. Ok, maybe not. I'm kindof clumsy, I might loose an eye trying to do that.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Background Change
Just writing to announce that I changed my background and theme. :D
Lucky you!!!
On another note. I saw boy2 last night... I did not break up with him (or even tell him I wanted to see other people). I really suck at this.
I just have a good time when I'm with him and don't want to worry about serious talk. It's like I'm on an emotional high though. Because I get pretty depressed the next day and immediately start running through scenarios on how I could break it off with him. Or at least talk to him about my desire to see other people.
Plans for tonight? Apparently a fire in the backyard and some drinkin! And maybe seeing boy2 later.... >.<
Lucky you!!!
On another note. I saw boy2 last night... I did not break up with him (or even tell him I wanted to see other people). I really suck at this.
I just have a good time when I'm with him and don't want to worry about serious talk. It's like I'm on an emotional high though. Because I get pretty depressed the next day and immediately start running through scenarios on how I could break it off with him. Or at least talk to him about my desire to see other people.
Plans for tonight? Apparently a fire in the backyard and some drinkin! And maybe seeing boy2 later.... >.<
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Maybe...
Maybe I am a bad person. At least I probably would have judged myself this way before. You know, before, when I had only slept with one guy ever and couldn't fathom how girls could want to sleep around.
I hadn't mentioned any of this before because I still thought there was a chance I'd end up with boy2 long term (unlikely, but a chance, none-the-less), which will seem even more silly when I go into detail below.
I haven't stopped communicating with boy1, there was never an official breakup. We've hooked up once since I started dating boy2 (like a couple days into meeting boy2, so I don't feel overly guilty about this). And I really want to hook up again. Even though I've been telling boy1 no way. Neither boy knows about each other.
I haven't committed to monogamy with either one, but it's kind of implied with boy2 right now. (My fault, I gave in and asked him straight up if he was dating any other girls and he said no, asked me if I was dating any other guys and I said no. As a result, I stopped texting/talking with boy1 for a whole 3 days.... that ended last night when I had a couple 9% beers at the bar.)
The thing is, I really want to see both boys.... but I really should be honest about it and tell them I'm seeing other people. But since I don't think either one is my prince charming/forever guy.... I really just don't want the drama. I just want to hang out, have fun and have sex. With both of them.
Would it ever hurt either of them if they never knew about each other, since it's not like I plan on being with either one long term? (Gah! If only I hadn't told boy2 I wasn't dating anyone else. True at the moment since I hadn't see boy 1 in over 2 weeks at that point... and I don't know if you can count "hooking-up" as "dating"... still lying by omission I'm pretty sure.) My shrink thinks I'm taking on too much responsibility. Still, if I was boy2 and I found out, I'd be pissed.
Now the shrink seems to think that if I spend more time with boy1, I'll become disillusioned and get over him faster than if I don't. Which sounded like a great excuse, coupled with drinking last night, to give boy1 a text, or a dozen, which quickly turned sexual. I didn't hook up with him last night, I'd like to think my morals interfered and wouldn't let me. But the truth is it was just really late.
Part of me wants to break it off with boy2, just because I know I don't see a future with him and it seems unfair, like I'm leading him along. But the shrink has pointed out a little thing called projecting. That for all I know, boy2 just wants to have a good time too and isn't looking for anything long term. Her advice? Relax, ride it out, and enjoy the ride.
God I hope I'm projecting. I'm going to feel terrible if I really am leading him along.
I hadn't mentioned any of this before because I still thought there was a chance I'd end up with boy2 long term (unlikely, but a chance, none-the-less), which will seem even more silly when I go into detail below.
I haven't stopped communicating with boy1, there was never an official breakup. We've hooked up once since I started dating boy2 (like a couple days into meeting boy2, so I don't feel overly guilty about this). And I really want to hook up again. Even though I've been telling boy1 no way. Neither boy knows about each other.
I haven't committed to monogamy with either one, but it's kind of implied with boy2 right now. (My fault, I gave in and asked him straight up if he was dating any other girls and he said no, asked me if I was dating any other guys and I said no. As a result, I stopped texting/talking with boy1 for a whole 3 days.... that ended last night when I had a couple 9% beers at the bar.)
The thing is, I really want to see both boys.... but I really should be honest about it and tell them I'm seeing other people. But since I don't think either one is my prince charming/forever guy.... I really just don't want the drama. I just want to hang out, have fun and have sex. With both of them.
Would it ever hurt either of them if they never knew about each other, since it's not like I plan on being with either one long term? (Gah! If only I hadn't told boy2 I wasn't dating anyone else. True at the moment since I hadn't see boy 1 in over 2 weeks at that point... and I don't know if you can count "hooking-up" as "dating"... still lying by omission I'm pretty sure.) My shrink thinks I'm taking on too much responsibility. Still, if I was boy2 and I found out, I'd be pissed.
Now the shrink seems to think that if I spend more time with boy1, I'll become disillusioned and get over him faster than if I don't. Which sounded like a great excuse, coupled with drinking last night, to give boy1 a text, or a dozen, which quickly turned sexual. I didn't hook up with him last night, I'd like to think my morals interfered and wouldn't let me. But the truth is it was just really late.
Part of me wants to break it off with boy2, just because I know I don't see a future with him and it seems unfair, like I'm leading him along. But the shrink has pointed out a little thing called projecting. That for all I know, boy2 just wants to have a good time too and isn't looking for anything long term. Her advice? Relax, ride it out, and enjoy the ride.
God I hope I'm projecting. I'm going to feel terrible if I really am leading him along.
Monday, November 7, 2011
My Beliefs
I realized recently, that eventually I'm going to meet a guy who will want to discuss "serious topics". Not just how much we both like to play video games, snowboard, and laugh at stupid stuff.
What do I mean by "serious topics"? My stance on abortion, who I'm going to vote for and why, my religious beliefs, gay marriage, racism, feminism, raising children, welfare, marijuana legalization, and gun control. Intense, serious topics.
Here's something I realized, I don't really know exactly where I stand on a lot of these topics. Last night I had dreams about it and I've been thinking about it all morning and realizing I have beliefs, rationalizations and strong feelings on these topics... I just don't have logical reasons prepared for discussion.
I know I feel something, but why do I feel that way?
So in an effort to sort out my thoughts and beliefs, here's a list of what I believe and why. Feel free to comment and argue. I figure it will be good practice.
Abortion
While I personally don't think I could or would abort a baby from my body. I don't think Abortion should be illegal. Why? Because abortion is as old as time, and if it's not legal, people will still do it, only dangerously, in back alleys. And I can't stand the thought of a 14 year old girl bleeding to death in a back alley because she panicked and tried to get an illegal abortion. I think girls should get counseling, understanding and help and maybe they'll calm down and see that there are other ways, but if they still want an abortion it should be legal for them to do so. And Christian protesters? You're not helping. Your protests make girls feel guilty, panicked, trapped, depressed in an already bad situation. This doesn't help the decision making process. If you want less (less, because you're not going to get rid of them entirely) abortions, make it so a girl would feel comfortable talking with you about her situation. Not like she's going to get persecuted for even thinking about it. Anger begets anger, and compassion and sympathy are much more likely to lead to a compassionate solution.
Who I Would Vote For if I Could
Well, first, Morgan Freeman, because I would believe anything he told me in that voice of his. Soooo soothing. But if I was going to vote for a real candidate... I really like Gary Johnson. He is just about perfect for me. Why? He actually has a legit financial plan, as opposed to just saying the government needs to spend less. He actually names what should be cut and reduced. Check it out. He believes in American's owning guns, he believes in making marijuana legal and taxing the heck out of it, he believes in a free internet. He's very middle of the road. Which means he won't even be on the ticket. So.... someone who will probably be on the ticket? Probably Ron Paul... goddamn it all to heck. Even though I feel like he doesn't actually have any idea how to fix the economy (I feel like someone with business experience should be in office, really, a former CFO would be best in my mind), and I really hate his extreme view on abortion and feel like he would also strongly disagree with a lot of my other views.... maybe I just won't vote at all this time around. That leads me to the next topic.
Voting
I feel like this is a major privilege of being an american, and I try to exercise it. I feel like if you don't vote, you don't have a right to complain. This being said, I feel like my vote counts for nothing because of the electoral college. Outmoded and Outdated. I'm for abolishing it.
My Religious Beliefs
I believe in God. Or at least an omnipotent power that is all goodness, beauty and magic in the world. This doesn't mean I believe in a church or even the bible. I think Jesus was a righteous dude, but I have a hard time believing the God I believe in would require his only son as sacrifice. I was raised Catholic and still find comfort in the ritual of Mass. That doesn't mean I support or endorse the teachings of the Catholic church. :::Things to think about when arguing with me that I have to support a church to believe in God. Did you know the Catholic church used to condemn women if they died within 33 days of giving birth to a boy and 66 days of giving birth to a girl, saying they were too "dirty" to enter heaven? Did you know they used to regulate the size of stick you could beat your wife with, the "rule of thumb"?::: That being said, I believe in evolution and all that science can prove to me, because I was created to think and problem solve and expand and grow. I believe that one day humans will find enlightenment. And while it seems everyday that there's more and more cause to fear the Zombie Apocalypse, I'm an optimist and I think the human race will push through, smaller than before but with greater insight and wisdom.
Separation of Church and State
This great country was founded on religious freedom. And saying that we are a "Christian Country" and that we should pray in schools is repugnant to me. If it is a public school, no child should be forced into prayer, or feel cast-out if they don't participate. Same goes for things like putting "In God We Trust" on our money (This didn't happen until 1956, btw), and forcing our religious beliefs into laws, like marriage, abortion, prohibition (ummm, yeah, that's what that was), and old fashioned morality laws (laws still on the books, for example, that say more than 4 women living together is a brothel, so students on campus can't have sorority houses, but they can have fraternity houses..... oooh that almost makes me want to go onto my rant about feminism already). People always think this is protecting Muslims or some other group whose religion they don't understand or agree with. But what about Jews, or people that don't believe in God at all? Or people that just feel uncomfortable with your type of prayer? I know as a Catholic child, I was always horribly uncomfortable with the holding hands type of prayer, and this always seemed the type that happened at school.
Prostitution
I honestly don't care if this is legal. Go ahead. Make sure there are age limits and required health checks.Tax the heck out of it. I feel like this might cut down on child prostitution and slavery. Why is it illegal in the first place? Because we find it morally wrong? Against the bible maybe? Oldest profession, it's not going away. Might as well regulate it to make it safer.
Gay Marriage
I believe that gay folks should be able to legally marry. Churches have every right to dictate that they can't get married in the church, but they don't have a right to dictate what tax breaks the government gives and religious beliefs shouldn't be involved in the discussion. See Separation of Church and State above.
Stereotypes
Joking about stereotypes and racism is as long as it's with a view towards the ridiculousness of them. Stereotypes are founded on truth but it's not ok to assume that everyone will live up to a stereotype. My least favorite stereotype that keeps proving true? Bad women drivers. **Women: Why do you keep proving the men in my life right? Why is it whenever a driver does something stupid enough that I get all riled up, it's a woman?!? Quit it!! You're ruining it for the rest of us decent lady drivers.** I feel that this sentiment should be shared by anyone who is the victim of a stereotype too. Anger at the person applying the stereotype to you is justified, but you have to look around and be pissed at the people perpetuating it too. Either stance is not cool and not fair.
Feminism
I believe females can do anything a man can. And that includes having upper body strength if I wanted to work for it. I don't. Just because I choose not to be able to lift 50lb boxes and ask for help instead doesn't mean there aren't women out there who can lift 50lbs and don't need a man, thank you very much. Just because I like being feminine and girly doesn't mean I can't be intelligent, commanding, and make dirty jokes. I don't have to choose one way or the other, I can be who I want to be and expect to be treated like I act, not for what my genitals are.
Raising Children
I will want to raise children someday. I will also want to work. I believe that discipline and limits teaches a child you care along with hugs and love, and too much in either direction is bad for them. I want to give my child every advantage, while not pushing so hard that I burn out any potential or creativity (this might be expensive). I believe the sciences and reading books are very important. So I plan on reading to my children and going to science museums and doing science projects at home just because they're cool. I also believe extra-curricular activities are important, but not so important that they need to occur every day of the week. Nor does my child have to succeed and be a "winner" if they're involved in sports. I believe kids should go outside and play, but that video games aren't "bad" for you and have their own place in play time. I believe in dreams, fairy tales and Santa Claus. I love Christmas and I will probably want to do things like Family Board Game Night. I also will still want to go to parties and dress up, I feel like a husband and wife going on a date is good for children. It reinforces that their parents love each other, want to spend time with each other and are people too. I also believe there's a limit on age when kids can still come to adult parties. It's about the time they're able to talk. At that point, there should be a babysitter obtained.
Welfare
It started out as a great, humanitarian idea. It was never meant to be a career option. I feel like it should be regulated and cut a hell of a lot more. I hate that the money I work for is taxed so others don't have to work. I don't mind helping temporary situations, but long term welfare is something I hate.
Marijuana Legalization
I feel that Marijuana should be as legal as alcohol. I feel that making it illegal has increased crime and costs to the state and federal government. I feel that it monetarily supports gangs and other illegal activities just because it is illegal. Make it legal and tax the bejeebus out of it. I also feel like drug tests should be refined to be able to tell if I'm high at work or not. Not just did you smoke in the last week. I feel like it's not fair to punish someone for their out of work activities as long as it doesn't affect their work. Saying this, I've never smoked pot and I won't get to until I retire because I've worked jobs where I got drug tested ever since I started working at 16.
Gun Control
I believe in my right to own and carry guns. I don't think the government, any government, should be the only one with the guns. It's my right as an american to be able to form a rebellion if I want to, and I wouldn't be able to do that if only the government had guns. Not only that, but it goes with the other legalization arguments above. Guess who would be selling and financially supporting their illegal operations with gun sales if guns were made illegal? And guess who would then own guns and who wouldn't? Not only that, I need my guns in case of a Zombie Apocalypse...
I have the hardest time articulating my thoughts on intense subjects like these. Hopefully, I'll be able to remember what I wrote when it comes to discussing any of these topics in the future. But probably not, it's like my brain just freezes when topics like these come up.... But it can't hurt to try! If I think of any other topics that I feel strongly about, I'll probably just edit this entry. So this one has the potential to become excessively long as I sort through my feelings and decide what I feel versus what I felt when I was with the Ex-husband. I apologize.
What do I mean by "serious topics"? My stance on abortion, who I'm going to vote for and why, my religious beliefs, gay marriage, racism, feminism, raising children, welfare, marijuana legalization, and gun control. Intense, serious topics.
Here's something I realized, I don't really know exactly where I stand on a lot of these topics. Last night I had dreams about it and I've been thinking about it all morning and realizing I have beliefs, rationalizations and strong feelings on these topics... I just don't have logical reasons prepared for discussion.
I know I feel something, but why do I feel that way?
So in an effort to sort out my thoughts and beliefs, here's a list of what I believe and why. Feel free to comment and argue. I figure it will be good practice.
Abortion
While I personally don't think I could or would abort a baby from my body. I don't think Abortion should be illegal. Why? Because abortion is as old as time, and if it's not legal, people will still do it, only dangerously, in back alleys. And I can't stand the thought of a 14 year old girl bleeding to death in a back alley because she panicked and tried to get an illegal abortion. I think girls should get counseling, understanding and help and maybe they'll calm down and see that there are other ways, but if they still want an abortion it should be legal for them to do so. And Christian protesters? You're not helping. Your protests make girls feel guilty, panicked, trapped, depressed in an already bad situation. This doesn't help the decision making process. If you want less (less, because you're not going to get rid of them entirely) abortions, make it so a girl would feel comfortable talking with you about her situation. Not like she's going to get persecuted for even thinking about it. Anger begets anger, and compassion and sympathy are much more likely to lead to a compassionate solution.
Who I Would Vote For if I Could
Well, first, Morgan Freeman, because I would believe anything he told me in that voice of his. Soooo soothing. But if I was going to vote for a real candidate... I really like Gary Johnson. He is just about perfect for me. Why? He actually has a legit financial plan, as opposed to just saying the government needs to spend less. He actually names what should be cut and reduced. Check it out. He believes in American's owning guns, he believes in making marijuana legal and taxing the heck out of it, he believes in a free internet. He's very middle of the road. Which means he won't even be on the ticket. So.... someone who will probably be on the ticket? Probably Ron Paul... goddamn it all to heck. Even though I feel like he doesn't actually have any idea how to fix the economy (I feel like someone with business experience should be in office, really, a former CFO would be best in my mind), and I really hate his extreme view on abortion and feel like he would also strongly disagree with a lot of my other views.... maybe I just won't vote at all this time around. That leads me to the next topic.
Voting
I feel like this is a major privilege of being an american, and I try to exercise it. I feel like if you don't vote, you don't have a right to complain. This being said, I feel like my vote counts for nothing because of the electoral college. Outmoded and Outdated. I'm for abolishing it.
My Religious Beliefs
I believe in God. Or at least an omnipotent power that is all goodness, beauty and magic in the world. This doesn't mean I believe in a church or even the bible. I think Jesus was a righteous dude, but I have a hard time believing the God I believe in would require his only son as sacrifice. I was raised Catholic and still find comfort in the ritual of Mass. That doesn't mean I support or endorse the teachings of the Catholic church. :::Things to think about when arguing with me that I have to support a church to believe in God. Did you know the Catholic church used to condemn women if they died within 33 days of giving birth to a boy and 66 days of giving birth to a girl, saying they were too "dirty" to enter heaven? Did you know they used to regulate the size of stick you could beat your wife with, the "rule of thumb"?::: That being said, I believe in evolution and all that science can prove to me, because I was created to think and problem solve and expand and grow. I believe that one day humans will find enlightenment. And while it seems everyday that there's more and more cause to fear the Zombie Apocalypse, I'm an optimist and I think the human race will push through, smaller than before but with greater insight and wisdom.
Separation of Church and State
This great country was founded on religious freedom. And saying that we are a "Christian Country" and that we should pray in schools is repugnant to me. If it is a public school, no child should be forced into prayer, or feel cast-out if they don't participate. Same goes for things like putting "In God We Trust" on our money (This didn't happen until 1956, btw), and forcing our religious beliefs into laws, like marriage, abortion, prohibition (ummm, yeah, that's what that was), and old fashioned morality laws (laws still on the books, for example, that say more than 4 women living together is a brothel, so students on campus can't have sorority houses, but they can have fraternity houses..... oooh that almost makes me want to go onto my rant about feminism already). People always think this is protecting Muslims or some other group whose religion they don't understand or agree with. But what about Jews, or people that don't believe in God at all? Or people that just feel uncomfortable with your type of prayer? I know as a Catholic child, I was always horribly uncomfortable with the holding hands type of prayer, and this always seemed the type that happened at school.
Prostitution
I honestly don't care if this is legal. Go ahead. Make sure there are age limits and required health checks.Tax the heck out of it. I feel like this might cut down on child prostitution and slavery. Why is it illegal in the first place? Because we find it morally wrong? Against the bible maybe? Oldest profession, it's not going away. Might as well regulate it to make it safer.
Gay Marriage
I believe that gay folks should be able to legally marry. Churches have every right to dictate that they can't get married in the church, but they don't have a right to dictate what tax breaks the government gives and religious beliefs shouldn't be involved in the discussion. See Separation of Church and State above.
Stereotypes
Joking about stereotypes and racism is as long as it's with a view towards the ridiculousness of them. Stereotypes are founded on truth but it's not ok to assume that everyone will live up to a stereotype. My least favorite stereotype that keeps proving true? Bad women drivers. **Women: Why do you keep proving the men in my life right? Why is it whenever a driver does something stupid enough that I get all riled up, it's a woman?!? Quit it!! You're ruining it for the rest of us decent lady drivers.** I feel that this sentiment should be shared by anyone who is the victim of a stereotype too. Anger at the person applying the stereotype to you is justified, but you have to look around and be pissed at the people perpetuating it too. Either stance is not cool and not fair.
Feminism
I believe females can do anything a man can. And that includes having upper body strength if I wanted to work for it. I don't. Just because I choose not to be able to lift 50lb boxes and ask for help instead doesn't mean there aren't women out there who can lift 50lbs and don't need a man, thank you very much. Just because I like being feminine and girly doesn't mean I can't be intelligent, commanding, and make dirty jokes. I don't have to choose one way or the other, I can be who I want to be and expect to be treated like I act, not for what my genitals are.
Raising Children
I will want to raise children someday. I will also want to work. I believe that discipline and limits teaches a child you care along with hugs and love, and too much in either direction is bad for them. I want to give my child every advantage, while not pushing so hard that I burn out any potential or creativity (this might be expensive). I believe the sciences and reading books are very important. So I plan on reading to my children and going to science museums and doing science projects at home just because they're cool. I also believe extra-curricular activities are important, but not so important that they need to occur every day of the week. Nor does my child have to succeed and be a "winner" if they're involved in sports. I believe kids should go outside and play, but that video games aren't "bad" for you and have their own place in play time. I believe in dreams, fairy tales and Santa Claus. I love Christmas and I will probably want to do things like Family Board Game Night. I also will still want to go to parties and dress up, I feel like a husband and wife going on a date is good for children. It reinforces that their parents love each other, want to spend time with each other and are people too. I also believe there's a limit on age when kids can still come to adult parties. It's about the time they're able to talk. At that point, there should be a babysitter obtained.
Welfare
It started out as a great, humanitarian idea. It was never meant to be a career option. I feel like it should be regulated and cut a hell of a lot more. I hate that the money I work for is taxed so others don't have to work. I don't mind helping temporary situations, but long term welfare is something I hate.
Marijuana Legalization
I feel that Marijuana should be as legal as alcohol. I feel that making it illegal has increased crime and costs to the state and federal government. I feel that it monetarily supports gangs and other illegal activities just because it is illegal. Make it legal and tax the bejeebus out of it. I also feel like drug tests should be refined to be able to tell if I'm high at work or not. Not just did you smoke in the last week. I feel like it's not fair to punish someone for their out of work activities as long as it doesn't affect their work. Saying this, I've never smoked pot and I won't get to until I retire because I've worked jobs where I got drug tested ever since I started working at 16.
Gun Control
I believe in my right to own and carry guns. I don't think the government, any government, should be the only one with the guns. It's my right as an american to be able to form a rebellion if I want to, and I wouldn't be able to do that if only the government had guns. Not only that, but it goes with the other legalization arguments above. Guess who would be selling and financially supporting their illegal operations with gun sales if guns were made illegal? And guess who would then own guns and who wouldn't? Not only that, I need my guns in case of a Zombie Apocalypse...
I have the hardest time articulating my thoughts on intense subjects like these. Hopefully, I'll be able to remember what I wrote when it comes to discussing any of these topics in the future. But probably not, it's like my brain just freezes when topics like these come up.... But it can't hurt to try! If I think of any other topics that I feel strongly about, I'll probably just edit this entry. So this one has the potential to become excessively long as I sort through my feelings and decide what I feel versus what I felt when I was with the Ex-husband. I apologize.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Another post about my feelings, and other mushy stuff
Thank god I have a blog to sort out my feelings. I'm sorry you have to suffer through this. Feel free to skip this posting, I won't be offended if you're tired of hearing about my dating trials and tribulations. Constantly evaluating myself and how I feel.
If, however, you've enjoyed my drama and ranting... read on!
I got up the courage today to text boy1 and tell him that if he plans on only drunk texting me in the future (has been the only contact for the last week really) that we should meet up and exchange stuff. I want my Shaolin Soccer DVD back, and I can give him back his book. Asked him what he was doing after work today. No response yet. I'm sure he's freaking himself out about this. But really I just want to make sure we don't have any strings attached. Tell him I really don't think I can do this dating thing, especially if his idea of "dating" is just drunk texting me without actually seeing or talking to me.
On another note, I like boy2 more and more. I'm worried I might just like being pursued though.
So here's a list to help me sort things out in my brain.
Things I like about boy2:
Things I don't like about boy2:
Epiphany:
That's it, that's why I'm hesitating. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is actually just not attraction to boy2, or if I've separated myself emotionally, because I'll admit it, I've been feeling pretty hurt by boy1's rejection (even though my shrink assures me that it's mostly him and his issues and probably has very little to do with me). This would be alright if I wanted to use boy2 for sex and have some recovery time. But I don't think I do. I enjoy talking with him. I just have to go with some good advice. Just relax and try to enjoy myself.
It's strange to think that boy1 might have affected me so much. I'm betting it's not really him. I'm betting that since it was my first time putting myself out there (really extending myself emotionally) for the first time in 9 years, and it didn't end horribly (honestly, it could've been much worse given the factors), still, feeling even more cautious then before. As if your husband cheating on you isn't a good enough reason to be cautious and emotionally stunted. :)
If, however, you've enjoyed my drama and ranting... read on!
I got up the courage today to text boy1 and tell him that if he plans on only drunk texting me in the future (has been the only contact for the last week really) that we should meet up and exchange stuff. I want my Shaolin Soccer DVD back, and I can give him back his book. Asked him what he was doing after work today. No response yet. I'm sure he's freaking himself out about this. But really I just want to make sure we don't have any strings attached. Tell him I really don't think I can do this dating thing, especially if his idea of "dating" is just drunk texting me without actually seeing or talking to me.
On another note, I like boy2 more and more. I'm worried I might just like being pursued though.
So here's a list to help me sort things out in my brain.
Things I like about boy2:
- He's pursuing me. (*cough* what did I just say?!)
- He has lot's of ambition and drive.
- He not only plays WoW, he's a GM of a successful raiding guild. I can't explain why I find this attractive, I just do.
- He snowboards.
- I like talking to him on the phone (I list this because it's rare. I'm an engineer/nerd, and if I can get away with not talking to people that's usually my preference.)
Things I don't like about boy2:
- He likes to argue. So do I, to some extent. And part of me is enjoying the challenge of our conversations. The other party of me feels irritated. Like I always have to be "on".
- Sex with him is not as good as with boy1. But I think that might just be me. I feel like I separated myself emotionally a little bit before I started dating this guy. And, as we all know, sex for a woman, is better if emotions are involved. I think this is probably true for everyone, but I think guys don't like to admit it.
Epiphany:
That's it, that's why I'm hesitating. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is actually just not attraction to boy2, or if I've separated myself emotionally, because I'll admit it, I've been feeling pretty hurt by boy1's rejection (even though my shrink assures me that it's mostly him and his issues and probably has very little to do with me). This would be alright if I wanted to use boy2 for sex and have some recovery time. But I don't think I do. I enjoy talking with him. I just have to go with some good advice. Just relax and try to enjoy myself.
It's strange to think that boy1 might have affected me so much. I'm betting it's not really him. I'm betting that since it was my first time putting myself out there (really extending myself emotionally) for the first time in 9 years, and it didn't end horribly (honestly, it could've been much worse given the factors), still, feeling even more cautious then before. As if your husband cheating on you isn't a good enough reason to be cautious and emotionally stunted. :)
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My Favorite Compliments
Honestly, this is the number one reason I'm enjoying dating so much right now (sure, kissing, and sex, and going out and meeting new people is fun and all, but I really love being complimented).
So here's my favorites so far:
There's more, but I can't remember them right now.
I've got to admit that the reason some of these are sticking with me is because they're things the ex never said to me.... ever. In fact, I was made to feel dumb a lot, criticized for my "flat butt", never told how beautiful I looked even when I dressed up.... I see you're getting the point.
All these are amazing self-esteem boosters. I love it. But it makes me realize that I'm not very good at giving compliments either. In fact, I tend to be excruciatingly honest. And I get very inarticulate when I'm being intimate. I just can't think to talk, and some guys just ask a lot of questions and want me to talk. I'm sure whatever I say comes out as virtual nonsense. I sure as hell can't remember what I said afterwards. So I'm thinking maybe I should practice some things to say, that I could whip out at need. (Hahaha, whip out, sorry, my mind's in the gutter)
But, like what??
Ok, I give up. Not only can I not get my mind out of the gutter at this point, but all these are going to sounds incredibly fake, for obvious reasons. >.<;;
So here's my favorites so far:
- I love how smart you are.
- You have such a cute little butt.
- You're gorgeous, your ex must've been crazy to cheat on you.
- God, you're sexy.
- I think it's so cool that you're so nerdy. (I really love this one, lol!)
- You're a fantastic kisser. (This one is amazing to me just because I have so little practice, the ex was not a kisser. I've been missing out on this for 9 years btw, Kissing is awesome!!)
There's more, but I can't remember them right now.
I've got to admit that the reason some of these are sticking with me is because they're things the ex never said to me.... ever. In fact, I was made to feel dumb a lot, criticized for my "flat butt", never told how beautiful I looked even when I dressed up.... I see you're getting the point.
All these are amazing self-esteem boosters. I love it. But it makes me realize that I'm not very good at giving compliments either. In fact, I tend to be excruciatingly honest. And I get very inarticulate when I'm being intimate. I just can't think to talk, and some guys just ask a lot of questions and want me to talk. I'm sure whatever I say comes out as virtual nonsense. I sure as hell can't remember what I said afterwards. So I'm thinking maybe I should practice some things to say, that I could whip out at need. (Hahaha, whip out, sorry, my mind's in the gutter)
But, like what??
- Your cock is large and in-charge.
- Your thrusting power is commendable.
- You're the best I've ever had.
Ok, I give up. Not only can I not get my mind out of the gutter at this point, but all these are going to sounds incredibly fake, for obvious reasons. >.<;;
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