I don't know...

I don't know what to do with "our" stuff if it's not generic. For example, the Christmas ornaments we were collecting together where we wrote what we were doing and why we got it.

Do I throw them away? Keep them tucked away somewhere? I know what everyone says. Do what you feel like doing. I don't know what I feel like doing though. Part of me wants to trash them. Part of me thinks I might regret trashing what are essentially reminders of happy times. Like when we cruised with friends, it wasn't just the ex and I on that cruise...

I'm exhausted. Today was unexpectedly emotional. I feel all torn up inside and my stomach is still way upset. I'm supposed to do a late dinner with boy2, and I'm not even remotely close to hungry.

I didn't expect to be too overly upset at Christmas time. It was always more my thing anyways.

New stipulation in what I want in a boy- I want him to want to participate in Christmas. You know, putting up Christmas Lights, picking out a tree, music and gift exchanging. Just like other adventures, I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him along.

Btw, I should be upset or irritated that boy2's dinner date night has been delayed so much shouldn't I? I'm really not though... Thinking about taking a nap. If I see him tonight great. If not, I'm ok with that too. I should probably break up with him since I'm so cool with this.

Another post about my feelings, and other mushy stuff

Thank god I have a blog to sort out my feelings. I'm sorry you have to suffer through this. Feel free to skip this posting, I won't be offended if you're tired of hearing about my dating trials and tribulations. Constantly evaluating myself and how I feel.

If, however, you've enjoyed my drama and ranting... read on!

I got up the courage today to text boy1 and tell him that if he plans on only drunk texting me in the future (has been the only contact for the last week really) that we should meet up and exchange stuff. I want my Shaolin Soccer DVD back, and I can give him back his book. Asked him what he was doing after work today. No response yet. I'm sure he's freaking himself out about this. But really I just want to make sure we don't have any strings attached. Tell him I really don't think I can do this dating thing, especially if his idea of "dating" is just drunk texting me without actually seeing or talking to me.

On another note, I like boy2 more and more. I'm worried I might just like being pursued though.

So here's a list to help me sort things out in my brain.

Things I like about boy2:

• He's pursuing me. (*cough* what did I just say?!)
• He has lot's of ambition and drive.
• He not only plays WoW, he's a GM of a successful raiding guild. I can't explain why I find this attractive, I just do.
• He snowboards.
• I like talking to him on the phone (I list this because it's rare. I'm an engineer/nerd, and if I can get away with not talking to people that's usually my preference.)

Things I don't like about boy2:

• He likes to argue. So do I, to some extent. And part of me is enjoying the challenge of our conversations. The other party of me feels irritated. Like I always have to be "on".
• Sex with him is not as good as with boy1. But I think that might just be me. I feel like I separated myself emotionally a little bit before I started dating this guy. And, as we all know, sex for a woman, is better if emotions are involved. I think this is probably true for everyone, but I think guys don't like to admit it.

Epiphany:
That's it, that's why I'm hesitating. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is actually just not attraction to boy2, or if I've separated myself emotionally, because I'll admit it, I've been feeling pretty hurt by boy1's rejection (even though my shrink assures me that it's mostly him and his issues and probably has very little to do with me). This would be alright if I wanted to use boy2 for sex and have some recovery time. But I don't think I do. I enjoy talking with him. I just have to go with some good advice. Just relax and try to enjoy myself.


It's strange to think that boy1 might have affected me so much. I'm betting it's not really him. I'm betting that since it was my first time putting myself out there (really extending myself emotionally) for the first time in 9 years, and it didn't end horribly (honestly, it could've been much worse given the factors), still, feeling even more cautious then before. As if your husband cheating on you isn't a good enough reason to be cautious and emotionally stunted. :)

The Elephant in the Room

I named this blog "The Elephant in the Room" because, right now at least, whenever I'm with friends.... everyone knows and no one talks about it. 
D.I.V.O.R.C.E. 
You can tell they're curious, but they don't know whether it's OK to ask, or if they should mention anything at all.

Awkward!!

I don't even know if I want to talk about it... so this might be a good policy on their part. Sometimes I do want to talk about it, but only with someone who has experienced the same thing. And I mean exactly the same.... who else do you know whose husband cheated on them in Korea? Not the biggest pool of support, especially in my age group. (I'm 27, btw)

Believe it or not though, I found out that it's worse having someone in the room who doesn't know. Because you know what happens? You start getting the 9th degree on where your soon-to-be-ex spouse is. Questions you can't even think about without tearing up a little. There's no graceful way to get out of that conversation either. I found out my solution (apparently) is to be a total b*tch and just not answer questions.

If that particular person ever reads this blog, I apologize. I don't know if I'll ever say sorry to your face, but hopefully you'll understand when, after I left, everyone else at the party explained it to you.   >.<

That's another thing, knowing that you are the hot topic of conversation. Conversation that no one will have with you or even while you're in the room. It makes you want to do crazy things like get trashed and yell at everyone.... don't worry I haven't actually done this, nor do I plan on doing it. But it's a fun fantasy.


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The Story

How did this all begin? Why am I getting a divorce? This part of the story sucks, but I hope it will put any future psychoses into perspective, so here goes nothing. I'm going to write about something happy immediately following this. :P

I have/had been with the man I married for 9 years, quickly approaching 10. We had been married for almost 4 years. His job moved him to Korea and I followed. I wrote a really fun blog while I was over there:  Kim's Korea

4 months into a 3 year assignment, he tells me that he hasn't loved me for years, he's in love with another girl (a girl I thought was my friend) and that he wants a divorce.

That's the extremely condensed non-sappy version of what happened, and even that's hard to tell. That was a month ago.

He didn't want to work it out or try to save our marriage, but he still wanted to be friends. And my god, in the 2.5 weeks it took me to get out of Korea and away from him texting his girlfriend, it was like he kept tricking me. It was so easy to fall into the easy rapport of long-time friends, laughing and joking about stupid stuff. I wanted to keep reminding myself that he was cheating on me, that he had lied to me for months (years if you counted that he said he hadn't loved me for years), but all I wanted to do was pretend like nothing had happened.

So I finally got out of Korea, I've been back in the US for 2 weeks. My instinct is to move on as quickly as possible, so that's what I'm trying to do.

I tend to suppress. I can feel myself swallowing emotions that I don't want to confront, which I know is not healthy. Maybe this blog will be one way of confronting those emotions. Oooooorrrr, maybe I should see a therapist. When I'm on my own insurance again, I'll look into how expensive that is. In the meantime, I'll just have to deal on my own. Cry a little more at movies and TV then is appropriate, and otherwise try not to dwell on it.

OK, that was the depressing story that begins this blog. Now we can move on to the recovery part.