Why?

Seeing this is like getting punched in the stomach.

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lk0g5/i_caught_my_wife_cheating_i_am_lost/

It instantly reminds me of the pain and anguish of those first couple of days. But I can't let it be. I PMed (Private Messaged) this guy, letting know I'm here to talk if he wants to.

I just can't stand this. Why do people cheat? Hanging on to one person while you decide if you can get something better is horrible. How can you be that person? Why can't people be honest and upfront about how they feel? I know, I make it sound easy when it clearly is not.

I've been trying to hold to a policy of honesty with guys I've been dating. This means saying something if something is bothering me. And I'd like to think I'd be honest and just tell someone if I didn't like them.

BTW, I still haven't broken up with boy1. Not because I haven't tried, but because he's very successful at avoiding me. *sigh* I guess I'm giving up that DVD as lost, and unofficial broken-upedness can commence. (haha, I know it's not a word, I don't care!)

Filling my long lonely days

The title seemed appropriate as my days are neither long nor lonely. :) The days are actually speeding by and despite moments of self-doubt and lack of self-worth and hating the guy that did this to me, are mostly cheerful happy days, looking forward to the future.

So what've I been doing to keep busy?

• I started work finally last week! I can't say it's the best job in the world (I imagine the best job is test driving race cars to make sure they're awesome or something), but it's definitely something I don't mind doing.
• I'm really really proud of my ability to use public transportation to get to work. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I've never ridden the bus before (minus Korea!), it's not as bad as you'd think, though I much prefer Chicago's system of Elevated Trains to the bus any day.
• I'm still unpacking! Egad (yes, egad), At this rate I'll never be done. There are boxes piled in the movie room and a half assembled bed and desk.  >.<
• I went to Charlotte, NC over labor day weekend to see friends. That was a lot of fun!
• Happy hours with friends. A lot of Happy Hours. :D  (They say drinking won't solve anything, but I'll tell you what, it can make you feel a lot better for a short period of time!)
• Big Bang marathon with friends (where they feed me... yay!!)
• Ghost Whisperer marathon with BFF (no food, but still yay!)
• Dating! Well, besides the guy below I've been texting with another guy who I'm hoping to meet this week.

What I want to do in the near future:

• I just tried out the YMCA at lunch time today. I think I can handle exercising every day. Especially if I like a class or two.
• See more of my friends that live around the country. Travelling to Rochester, St. Louis, Colorado, New Orleans, apparently Cincinnati (that's this weekend, for Octoberfest!), back to college for homecoming (that's next month).
• Take a fun community college class. Maybe wine tasting, or cooking, or some other craftiness.
• Finish unpacking. Someday this will be done, someday
• Sign up to start taking classes towards my masters. I'm thinking Duquesne University. I'll be getting my MBA, so Duquesne has the same accreditation as Harvard... and it's in my budget. Best of both worlds!
• Go Horsie riding (yes horsie!! When you only do it a couple times a year it's horsie riding!).
• Dating! I can't wait to meet more people. I'll probably hold off on the sex a little longer this time though. ;)

If you're going through something similar and are reading this blog looking for guidance, support, and overall a laugh, I recommend activities (and dating!), staying busy. You're still going to have those completely awful moments, but the longer time goes on, the less they happen and the more you think about the future and less about the past. In the meantime, distraction is good! (And a little alcohol!)

The Story

How did this all begin? Why am I getting a divorce? This part of the story sucks, but I hope it will put any future psychoses into perspective, so here goes nothing. I'm going to write about something happy immediately following this. :P

I have/had been with the man I married for 9 years, quickly approaching 10. We had been married for almost 4 years. His job moved him to Korea and I followed. I wrote a really fun blog while I was over there:  Kim's Korea

4 months into a 3 year assignment, he tells me that he hasn't loved me for years, he's in love with another girl (a girl I thought was my friend) and that he wants a divorce.

That's the extremely condensed non-sappy version of what happened, and even that's hard to tell. That was a month ago.

He didn't want to work it out or try to save our marriage, but he still wanted to be friends. And my god, in the 2.5 weeks it took me to get out of Korea and away from him texting his girlfriend, it was like he kept tricking me. It was so easy to fall into the easy rapport of long-time friends, laughing and joking about stupid stuff. I wanted to keep reminding myself that he was cheating on me, that he had lied to me for months (years if you counted that he said he hadn't loved me for years), but all I wanted to do was pretend like nothing had happened.

So I finally got out of Korea, I've been back in the US for 2 weeks. My instinct is to move on as quickly as possible, so that's what I'm trying to do.

I tend to suppress. I can feel myself swallowing emotions that I don't want to confront, which I know is not healthy. Maybe this blog will be one way of confronting those emotions. Oooooorrrr, maybe I should see a therapist. When I'm on my own insurance again, I'll look into how expensive that is. In the meantime, I'll just have to deal on my own. Cry a little more at movies and TV then is appropriate, and otherwise try not to dwell on it.

OK, that was the depressing story that begins this blog. Now we can move on to the recovery part.