I'm a bad person

I haven't been on here in a while. I apologize.

I just got home from my ski-trip vacation. Where I hooked up with boy3. Yep. That's official right there. Unfortunately, though I had been thinking about breaking up with boy2, I hadn't done it yet. Wanting to wait until I had some privacy, I waited until today when I got home to call him and have that break-up conversation.

This is my first break-up conversation ever, I mean unless you count boy1, which I don't because it had been leading up to that for a long time. It was horrible. I decided the best way would just to tell him I was breaking up with him quickly, without any excuses on my part (I mean I really didn't deserve any excuses... sure, he refused to ask me to be his girlfriend and didn't want to see me very often at all, but I'm the one who went out and hooked up with another person after having a talk about being monogamous.)

Not only that, but I told boy2 I loved him... I did for a little while. I think. Maybe I don't know what love is.

What's wrong with me? I feel broken, the old me would never have even remotely considered doing something like that. Being faithful used to be easy.

I can tell myself that I knew that he wasn't a forever guy, that I wasn't his girlfriend, that he only seemed a little into me. But when it comes down to it, I hurt him. And I feel utterly miserable about it.

Of course, I was drunk when this all went down. But I don't think being sober would've stopped me. Boy3 is an old friend, that I've had a crush on for a long time, and I never considered he'd be into me. I mean I hoped and I had dreams, but I never actually thought....

I can't talk about boy3 right now. Probably in a couple days when I feel less devastated about being a terrible person.

Edit: On the bright side for you readers, I re-published some stuff that I took off when things with boy2 got more serious.

Love vs Drama

I realize, as I write this, ok maybe a little before I write this.... that I only write bad things about boy2 on here. It goes back to only wanting to write on this blog when I'm unhappy. So the goal of this blog post is, after complaining, I will list some of the reasons I'm in love with boy2.

But first to get rid of the Drama.

I teased boy2 about the boyfriend girlfriend thing again. I really don't know why I do this. I don't actually care that much about the boyfriend/girlfriend title. Except in terms the public acknowledgment that the titles represent. On that note, I don't know how much public acknowledgement I want to do, you know? What does that mean? Facebook official? Eugh. But I want him to want me to publicly acknowledge him, and I want him to want to publicly acknowledge me. (As a friend put it, I want him to want to scream it from the mountaintops.)

Feelings are complicated.

Ok, back to the story. So I teased him, and it got uncomfortable quick. He said something along the lines of, "I love you, you are the girlfriend without the title. Can we just leave it at that? Assigning titles just fucks stuff up. Things are so great right now."

Yeah, I was upset. I asked him why it would fuck things up and he asked me not to push it. Really?? So I didn't talk to him yesterday. Not really, anyway. And I drank, a lot. But apparently my being upset made him upset enough that he drank on Saturday night. I call this a good sign. Why is it a good sign if he's upset? Because it means he cares. Ok, that sounds crazy girl. It might be crazy girl. But seriously, don't push it??

We've talked a couple times this morning. He's hung over (right now, as I'm writing this.) I explained that I was upset because he won't talk to me about his previous relationships and he said he didn't see why he should and I said "because it's affecting us! There's obviously a reason you think calling me your girlfriend is going to fuck things up and it's not fair to not talk about it if I ask." There was a long pause, and he said "Touche".

I dropped it. I'll bring it back up later, and maybe I'll even write about it. I'm sure we'll resolve things this time. How do I end up with guys who are almost as fucked up as I am. That doesn't seem fair, I deserve a guy that's steady and can handle my crazy girl moments, they're gonna happen, see above for reference.

Still, you get to be my age, and everyone has baggage. And we're finding out each others as we go along. I mean, I was happy he was unhappy today. That's pretty messed up. Thank you, How I Met Your Mother. That show is full of life lessons.

As promised, things I love about boy2.

• Talking. I have never wanted to talk to a guy so much or so often. On the phone! I don't like talking to my best friends on the phone. Seriously, only person I've ever wanted to talk to on the phone.
• He tells me he loves me all the time.
• He tells me I'm beautiful and cute and smart and wonderful.
• His taste in movies and TV shows is pretty awesome.
• He kinda likes my cat, despite being severely allergic to her.
• He makes me laugh.
• We eat muffins the same way (gotta eat the top off first).  ;)
• He told me I'm even cute when I whine (lol!!!)
• He's cute, and a little cocky, in a kinda self-conscious way, which I find endearing.
• He told me Thank You for making him try new things. 
• He's dependable and reliable.
• He makes me feel wanted and loved.

So, yeah, I'm upset about the boyfriend/girlfriend title thing. But for now, I'm ok. We'll either work it out or it will build up, ball up, with a whole bunch of other things that will eventually lead to a breakup. I hope it doesn't come to that. I love him. :)

Fuuuuuuuck

How did I fall in love? When did this happen?

I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?

Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.

I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.

What do I do?

How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?

Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:

Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?

Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.

I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.

Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.

Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.

Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.

So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.

This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.

Living inside my head...

What if boy2 says he loves me, do I love him? Actions speak louder then words, does he even like me that much?

Am I excited or not about meeting this other boy tonight?

My god, why do I keep forgetting to block that guy on OKCupid? He just messaged me again while I'm sitting here typing this. As soon as I get to a computer...

How can I be so hungry after eating what was clearly a 3000 calorie dinner last night? I was up half the night sick and now I just want some cereal?

Why does the bus smell funny in the morning? Like it just got painted... I'm sure the fumes, whatever they are, are unhealthy. I'm only on here for 20 minutes, what about the poor bus driver?

I really want to bring up the fact that I have a date on Friday night to boy2... To make him jealous? maybe. Maybe just to point out that he should work a little harder if he wants all my attention. But if I bring it up, I'm implying that I want more commitment. Do I? Part of me says yes. Another part gets really scared thinking about it.

I've never gone more than a few weeks into dating a guy before the guy says he loves me (seriously). It's now been 2.5 months of dating boy2. I also have never been able to restrain myself from saying it back, even when it's a lie. I don't want to lie to boy2, I don't know what I feel. And the constant evaluation is exhausting. I'm really physically tired from it, and I can't seem to stop.

I am so happy for a 3 day weekend. I'm tired of training people, I just want some alone time. Solitary, not surrounded by 20 people asking me questions.

Too late. The bus has arrived. I am here.

A goodbye (I hope) letter to boy1

I think I was in love with you, at least for a little bit. A combination of great sex and mutual heart-ache.

I hope last night was the last night I will be seeing you for a while. I still care for you, but more as a friend, less as a lover. You seem younger to me now. As I get over my heart-ache, slowly but surely, and you're still stuck in yours.

My heart will always hold a special place for you. The boy with who I found mutual comfort with, funny, charming, interesting, crazy, and not ready to move on.

Maybe in a couple months when this relationship with boy2 ends (as it surely must) with renewed heart-ache we can get together again. But in the meantime, I left your stuff at your place this morning and took mine with me.

Goodbye (at least for a little while),
Kim

PS. That was dramatic and sappy enough to be in Twilight!!

The problem with holding stuff in....

is sometimes it bursts out all at once. That's what everyone warns you about at least.

Another side effect I've noticed is that sometimes you want to let it out. Like late at night when you can't sleep because of the vicious circular thoughts going through your brain and you know if you could just cry it would lance some of the poison. But you can't cry. You've gotten so used to holding it all in, that no matter how much it hurts you can't get those tears to start and you just lie there, sick with disgust for yourself and fear that you won't be able to cry ever again.

If you stay up long enough, you can cry from exhaustion if nothing else. But it's not the satisfying, soul cleansing cry you need.

There are bad days and there are good days. This happens to be a bad day (which is why I'm writing!). With little to no sleep, stressed out about work, I overslept through 3 alarms, and barely made it in time for an all morning Ethics meeting, with no breakfast or coffee in me.

When I got an email asking for a progress update, I basically responded with a FOAD, (without the curse words). Luckily, I CCed my boss who had been complaining about this same issue and he backed me up! Yay for a good boss!

Nonetheless, it's the end of another day, and I really need that cry. That and some sleep. And a hug, I'd really like a hug. What do I have to do to get a goddamn hug around here?

Best Foot Forward

Sitting here, listening to my Daft Punk radio station on Pandora, 2 beers in. There are so many things I want to write about, but I really should limit myself to one subject at a time.

Let's go with the most recent thing I wanted to write about. I read a blog today (http://yearthirtyone.blogspot.com/) that talked about how everyone on Facebook always puts their best foot forward and it can make you feel horribly inadequate. I definitely do this on Facebook (I tend to find the whiny people to be annoying attention seekers and either skip their posts or de-friend them.).

I like to think that I'm honest on this blog, but the truth is I cover a lot with my optimism and general sense of humor. I want to be honest for those that might use this blog in the future for what it's intended for. A source of support for those going through similar circumstances as myself.

So here's the truth. I'm lonely a lot. I miss having someone around constantly. Someone to cook for. Someone to joke with. Someone to share my trials and tribulations with.

Today I thought about the Ex a lot. Strangely enough, not in terms of missing him. Just missing someone. And being jealous of her. Also, being jealous that he was still in Korea and I wasn't. I love traveling. No fair. I resisted Facebook stalking him, barely.  These days don't happen often anymore. In fact, I was able to brag to my shrink that it's been 6 weeks since I've clicked on his Facebook profile.

Last week I had insomnia like crazy. Every night I went to bed early and wok up at 2am and went to bed again about 4-5am. Part of it was that I was texting with boy1. I just wanted to talk since I was awake.

Brb... gonna go get a 3rd beer. It's that kind of night.

I don't feel like a healthy person. I don't know why any guy would like me. I feel like I'm holding onto the crazy with a short rein.

I'll probably have to be drunk to tell boy2 that I want to see other people. Problem: I don't feel like I want to see other people when I'm talking/hanging out with him. It's when I'm away from him that I do. Should I take my shrink's advice and just let things ride? Or should I give into my panic and loneliness and tell him I want to date other people.

As depressing as this is. About an hour ago I was feeling good. Really good. Like dancing to music and really enjoying being by myself.

So why the sudden change in mood? Well, probably partly the subject matter, and thinking about my low points in general. Also, probably the 2nd and 3rd beers...

On an entirely different note, I told my shrink I would show her how to set up a blog. I would love to follow that blog, but she's pretty insistent on anonymity. I'll have to make sure she knows how to make it truly anonymous, unlike my blog, which I'm sure any half-wit hacker could destroy in 30 seconds. ;)

Maybe...

Maybe I am a bad person. At least I probably would have judged myself this way before. You know, before, when I had only slept with one guy ever and couldn't fathom how girls could want to sleep around.

I hadn't mentioned any of this before because I still thought there was a chance I'd end up with boy2 long term (unlikely, but a chance, none-the-less), which will seem even more silly when I go into detail below.


I haven't stopped communicating with boy1, there was never an official breakup. We've hooked up once since I started dating boy2 (like a couple days into meeting boy2, so I don't feel overly guilty about this). And I really want to hook up again. Even though I've been telling boy1 no way. Neither boy knows about each other.

I haven't committed to monogamy with either one, but it's kind of implied with boy2 right now. (My fault, I gave in and asked him straight up if he was dating any other girls and he said no, asked me if I was dating any other guys and I said no. As a result, I stopped texting/talking with boy1 for a whole 3 days.... that ended last night when I had a couple 9% beers at the bar.)

The thing is, I really want to see both boys.... but I really should be honest about it and tell them I'm seeing other people. But since I don't think either one is my prince charming/forever guy.... I really just don't want the drama. I just want to hang out, have fun and have sex. With both of them.

Would it ever hurt either of them if they never knew about each other, since it's not like I plan on being with either one long term? (Gah! If only I hadn't told boy2 I wasn't dating anyone else. True at the moment since I hadn't see boy 1 in over 2 weeks at that point... and I don't know if you can count "hooking-up" as "dating"... still lying by omission I'm pretty sure.) My shrink thinks I'm taking on too much responsibility. Still, if I was boy2 and I found out, I'd be pissed.

Now the shrink seems to think that if I spend more time with boy1, I'll become disillusioned and get over him faster than if I don't. Which sounded like a great excuse, coupled with drinking last night, to give boy1 a text, or a dozen, which quickly turned sexual. I didn't hook up with him last night, I'd like to think my morals interfered and wouldn't let me. But the truth is it was just really late.

Part of me wants to break it off with boy2, just because I know I don't see a future with him and it seems unfair, like I'm leading him along. But the shrink has pointed out a little thing called projecting. That for all I know, boy2 just wants to have a good time too and isn't looking for anything long term. Her advice? Relax, ride it out, and enjoy the ride.

God I hope I'm projecting. I'm going to feel terrible if I really am leading him along.