Words of Wisdom

"An open vagina is a happy vagina." - BFF

Thank you BFF... I have no idea what that means, but I feel inspired. ;)

Fuuuuuuuck

How did I fall in love? When did this happen?

I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?

Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.

I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.

What do I do?

How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?

Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:

Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?

Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.

I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.

Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.

Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.

Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.

So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.

This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.

Living inside my head...

What if boy2 says he loves me, do I love him? Actions speak louder then words, does he even like me that much?

Am I excited or not about meeting this other boy tonight?

My god, why do I keep forgetting to block that guy on OKCupid? He just messaged me again while I'm sitting here typing this. As soon as I get to a computer...

How can I be so hungry after eating what was clearly a 3000 calorie dinner last night? I was up half the night sick and now I just want some cereal?

Why does the bus smell funny in the morning? Like it just got painted... I'm sure the fumes, whatever they are, are unhealthy. I'm only on here for 20 minutes, what about the poor bus driver?

I really want to bring up the fact that I have a date on Friday night to boy2... To make him jealous? maybe. Maybe just to point out that he should work a little harder if he wants all my attention. But if I bring it up, I'm implying that I want more commitment. Do I? Part of me says yes. Another part gets really scared thinking about it.

I've never gone more than a few weeks into dating a guy before the guy says he loves me (seriously). It's now been 2.5 months of dating boy2. I also have never been able to restrain myself from saying it back, even when it's a lie. I don't want to lie to boy2, I don't know what I feel. And the constant evaluation is exhausting. I'm really physically tired from it, and I can't seem to stop.

I am so happy for a 3 day weekend. I'm tired of training people, I just want some alone time. Solitary, not surrounded by 20 people asking me questions.

Too late. The bus has arrived. I am here.

Just a note...

Merry Christmas!!

I will be sleeping in and watching a marathon of movies with the BFF. To all of you stuck with their family or worse yet, their in-laws... I'm sorry. You can dream of me in my PJs, lounging around all day and be jealous. 

Or grateful, however you want to look at it. ;)

Let the countdown begin....

I probably could have started the countdown much sooner, but it just occurred to me recently how close it was getting.

Play free web games.

I put a question mark because I don't know when the divorce will actually be final. But that's when I plan on turning in the paperwork!

I had a nightmare last night (among others that I don't remember...), that I forgot to turn in the paperwork on January 5th and they wouldn't let me on January 6th! Which is ridiculous because you just have to turn in the paperwork after 90 days, not on 90 days....

So after I turn in the paperwork, it will just be a week or two before I get confirmation, and I think a certificate in the mail, of all my divorced official-ness!

Will boy2 ask me to be his girlfriend after I'm officially divorced? Do I want him to? At least part of me does.... The other part is saying no way  José ! At least not if he wants things to continue as is. If he wants me to see him exclusively, I would want to see him more than once or twice a week.... If he doesn't want to see me more then he shouldn't ask me to be exclusive.

On another note, looks like I'll be seeing bar guy sometime after Christmas... as well as another guy I met on OKCupid. Awesome. :)

Holiday Gift Giving

Since it's right before Christmas, I was thinking about Christmas Cards and all the gift giving going on.

#1. I always forget about Christmas cards and end up sending them in response to the ones I get. And that's on years when I can find my address book. I feel somewhat bad about this, but not really. Don't get me wrong, I like getting Christmas cards, but since the advent of Facebook, I really feel they are impersonal and unnecessary, except maybe if you're receiving them from your Grandma or someone else that isn't on Facebook. Why do I say this? Because all I get in, most, of my Christmas cards is a signature of the person who sent it. No note or anything. So basically, I just got a pretty picture in the mail that cost them $0.42(?) to send me. They probably could have just said "Merry Christmas!" on Facebook, and probably still will, and given it the same amount of thought. Ok, I appreciate that it's a tradition... but still. No one, ok hardly anyone, still roasts Chestnuts on an open fire... why? because it's hard and practically useless, but we all know it used to be a tradition, so why don't we do that too?? Or eat Figgy Pudding? or ride in a One Horse Open Sleigh? If it's not going to mean something, it's probably not worth the postage, that's all I'm saying.

That and I'd be happy to get out of this particular tradition and not get guilted into response cards every year.

There are exceptions to this. For example, one person took the time to address the card to a goofy nickname that made me lol thinking about the postman reading it. Totally worth the postage.


#2. Who am I obligated to exchange gifts with? I feel kind of out of the loop on this. I decided not to send my former-in-law nieces gifts this year because they're not longer my nieces technically. But I feel like I'm regretting this decision already. Should I have sent my mother and brother gifts even though I haven't talked to them in 6+ months? I feel kind of weird exchanging gifts with boy2, but he brought it up and I'm glad there's no ambiguity about it at least... I would have felt terrible if he had gotten me something and I didn't get him anything.

I'm definitely not exchanging with boy1 or any other boy I've talked to or dated recently. Thank goodness for that, the holidays are running me broke!

Is there a book on this stuff? I feel very socially awkward around the holidays....

Sick and Miserable

That's what I am. :(

Nothing good to write about today. Just feel sick.

Maybe tomorrow.