is sometimes it bursts out all at once. That's what everyone warns you about at least.
Another side effect I've noticed is that sometimes you want to let it out. Like late at night when you can't sleep because of the vicious circular thoughts going through your brain and you know if you could just cry it would lance some of the poison. But you can't cry. You've gotten so used to holding it all in, that no matter how much it hurts you can't get those tears to start and you just lie there, sick with disgust for yourself and fear that you won't be able to cry ever again.
If you stay up long enough, you can cry from exhaustion if nothing else. But it's not the satisfying, soul cleansing cry you need.
There are bad days and there are good days. This happens to be a bad day (which is why I'm writing!). With little to no sleep, stressed out about work, I overslept through 3 alarms, and barely made it in time for an all morning Ethics meeting, with no breakfast or coffee in me.
When I got an email asking for a progress update, I basically responded with a FOAD, (without the curse words). Luckily, I CCed my boss who had been complaining about this same issue and he backed me up! Yay for a good boss!
Nonetheless, it's the end of another day, and I really need that cry. That and some sleep. And a hug, I'd really like a hug. What do I have to do to get a goddamn hug around here?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My letter to *you*
To The Boy Who Will Never Read This,
I’m not sure what really happened the last week. Maybe I was living in a bubble of happiness and idealism or maybe I choose not to see what was right in front of me. For the first time, in many years, I was truly happy. I recognized we had our differences, but I enjoyed them. I liked being exposed to a different way of life. You got me to feel alive again. Being with you, let me forget the pain that the others have left behind. It was you I was convinced that I would grow old with. But I was sadly mistaken. The more I liked you, the more nervous I got, which made me become distant. I thought I had communicated that to you, but I now realize I wasn’t clear enough. I wanted so badly to talk about these issues, but it seemed since we returned from out trip neither of us had particularly good weeks. I get that, I respect that, which is why I did not bring this subject up. That is what I regret. I was hoping to discuss it further with you the day after Thanksgiving, when we would be spending time together. However, I’m not sure what happened in the 5 days since I had last seen you, but I never got that chance. The last images I have are you looking me in the eyes and smiling kissing me goodbye… I didn’t realize that would be the last time… That is the image that will forever be attached to you.
This is what I wanted to say… this is what I wanted you to hear….
I have built up huge walls around me. I didn’t build them to keep people out, but to see how much a person liked me to climb over them. I did it to protect myself. See, what you might not realize is as though I look like a hard ass on the outside, I’m an extremely emotional person on the inside. I don’t let just anybody get close to me. I have in the past and each time I finally gave my trust to the person my world was pulled out from underneath me. I'm not sure if you remember that night in Texas, when I told you about how many people have died from my family or friends... Each one of those deaths affected me. Everytime I went through that process, I built that wall up a little higher at the time, because let's be honest... going to 24 funerals is a lot for anyone... So my protection is to keep people at a distance until I feel comfortable enough to let you in. I wanted to let you see the gentle side of me… to let you see the emotional side of me. When I fall for someone, I tend to give way to much, I love way to deep and I give that person 110% of myself. And so being vulnerable isn’t something that comes easy to me. When I let people in, they get all of me, which is scary, I know it's ridiculous, but I’m working on that. I realize that I care far too much than I should with you. I’m not going to make excuses for that, because it’s what makes me who I am. I wanted you to see that. I wanted you to see how much I cared for you, but I was afraid. No one has ever made me feel the way I did with you. For the first time since the Big D, I finally thought to myself, ‘This is it. He’s the one I want to marry. He’s the one I want to grow old with, to have children with. He’s perfect for me.’ I really thought you were. I was able to be myself, my hot mess of a self, you respected my friendships with the guys, and you treated me kindly. Truth be told, you do intimidate me. You intimidate the hell out of me. I had created a 'mental list' of things I wanted in a partner and they were all over the place, because I didn't want someone to match them. You did. You matched everything I wanted. They commonly say ' you never know what you are missing until you've found it.' I completely agree. I loved the fact that you smelled amazing. I loved the fact that you took a lot of pride in your appearance. I loved the fact that you had high standards. I even loved it when you would call me "Snooks." But I couldn't tell you this. I couldn't let you know... and the only part that I couldn't give you, was the part that you needed to see. That is what I regret. I regret not putting it out there, not letting you know how I truly felt. I wanted to protect myself, but in the end, I just ended up hurting myself.
As I think about how everything transpired, I just sit confused. Confused over the real reason we aren’t together, why we aren’t trying to work on this. You aren’t the asshole that you try to be, I know that. I also recognize the immense amount of stress you have been under since we got back from our trip. You have been pulled in so many directions, that I’m sure I didn’t help the situation. I realize that letting me go was the easy option you had. I was one less than you had to worry about… make time for..
I liked you. I liked you so much. I wanted to work on it. You mentioned our personality differences, but I don’t see that as a reason, I see it as an excuse. I want to know the real reason. I want to at least be worth the truth from you. I want to know why after we broke up that night you texted me to ‘have a good night.’(Enter Crazy) I just want to know. I can’t forget Texas
If you haven’t figured out, I was more than just smitten with you… because I was… what I felt, finally falling in love with a man. And not the the school-girl-crush love. No, this was something much greater, this was the I-am-going-accept-everything-about-you-love-and-never-want-to-live-without-you-love. This was for good, in my head.
I think it’s ironic that the last movie we watch together had this line… ‘‘No, this wasn't an easy one, but the foundation was good, I'll say that. And if that's okay, then everything else can be fixed.” I believe we had a good foundation. We respected each other, we laughed a whole lot. We clicked and everything just seemed so natural, so real. We could have been so great.
At the end, all I want is the truth. I want to be worth enough to you, to have the truth. Because I’m not the type to walk away without trying. I didn’t figure you for that either. I know what I want and I want a future with you. I don’t want your money, I don’t care what you can ‘do for me’ I want you because I like you, because you make me laugh like no one else, you call my out when you know I'm lying, because you challenge me to analyze my life, and because when I look you in the eyes the world feels like it’s stopped and no one else is around. So if you want it, if you want to try, I'd be more than excited. But remember, you take me as I am, you take this sometimes crazy emotional person. I'm working on it, I'm working on improving myself. I realize my faults, I realize my downfalls. I just need someone who realizes that I'm worth putting up with those faults because those are minor imperfections are worth it to have me at my best. Marilyn Monroe said it best... 'I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.'
I’m not mad, bitter, angry, or hateful. I’m just sad. Plain and simple, I’m sad. So please, tell me truth. Tell me the true reason why I’m not going to get a phone call from you tonight. When it comes right down to it, I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else. I only wish you felt the same way.
Sincerely,
Shamlessly in love
P.S. Thanks Dear for letting me get this out there. I owe you a beer (or 2)!
This is my friend...
This is my friend. She had a tough time with a boy she really liked recently. In a rare moment of uber-generosity, I offered to let her do some writing here today. So welcome her with open arms. :)
Monday, November 28, 2011
On being a nerd...
I grew up nerdy. I read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy. I read a lot, period. I loved my Dad's book from National Geographic called, "The Universe". I wore glasses. I was teased a lot. I started out as an extremely outgoing little girl, but the longer I was in school the shyer and more introverted I became. I figured the quieter I was the less I would be teased about my "weird" ideas. I was the type of girls that liked to ask uncomfortable questions, like the sophist classic "What if I'm the only real person here? That would mean you're a figment of my imagination." These questions don't make 7 year old's like you.
My quietness, by the time I reached High School, had started to come off as bitchiness. I didn't know how to respond when guys flirted with me, it felt a lot like being teased. I was too smart for a lot of my public school classes, so I read books during the class and did my homework when I got it in the rest of class. I was a child that would have welcomed extra classes after school, but my parents were never the kind to push for that type of thing, and I didn't know it existed to ask.
By my Junior year of high school. I had made a firm group of friends, of which I was the least weird. Their weirdness fascinated me. I was introduced to anime, video games (Super Mario doesn't count, this was true RPG gaming for the Playstation), the Renaissance festival, drama, technical theatre, and DnD. Most of these friends were older than me. My best friend was my age, and that was about it. I probably won't be going to my high school reunion, only because I wouldn't get to see this group, so what's the point?
I was editor of the Literary Magazine, easily in honor societies that required attendance, I didn't bother attending. I was in Chamber Choir and whatever the big choir was called, and I was taking vocal lessons to perform solo and in small ensembles. I was the sound guru/Stage Manager for the Technical Theatre group. I easily earned my "letters" in Drama and Choir, but never bothered to buy a letterman jacket. The summer before, I worked at the local Renaissance Festival as a street performer. Pretty costume and lots of fun!
When I went to college, I knew that I loved all that geeky stuff. On top of that I loved gadgets and gizmos and I wanted to major in Computer Science (not realizing that computer science majors don't typically get to write video games). I was beginning to be comfortable with myself. I went off to my nerdy college (seriously, I picked the nerdiest college I could find. Specializing in Engineering, the guy/girl ratio was 4/1 my freshman year. In my senior year it had become normal to be the only girl in a class of 30+, I didn't even notice it anymore.), resolved to show and act with more confidence. Btw, like most college students, I changed my mind on what I wanted to major in, I ended up with a degree in Engineering Management.
I had dated 4 guys at this point, only 1 "long term" of 6 months, the others for a month or less at a time. I had spent my summer outside working at the local amusement park, so I was tanner then I had ever been (or ever will be again, I'm sure) even though it was a farmers tan. I had dated 3 of those 4 guys that summer. Been flirted with, told I was cute. I was feeling very confident that I was going to a college of like-minded individuals whom I would form intellectual, and hopefully some physical (boys!!) connections with.
I joined one of the 3 Sororities on campus (compare to the 21 Fraternities on campus), and found a group of sisters who shared my interest in all things nerdy. ***For those few of you that I gave this link to, I just want to plug an I love you and AOT!*** Further expanding my nerdiness by exploring things like DDR, Diablo II, Final Fantasy, Knitting, DM (Dungeon Master) for DnD, I also learned about my less nerdy side. I like to dress up and be girly. Turns out I have a talent for chugging beer, though not the tolerance to back it up. I became the President of my Sorority for 1.5 terms (it's a long story). I also had no qualms about winning pie-eating contests (I'm not fat, so why would I be self-conscious about it?), or participating in "couch-burnings" - it was southern Missouri.
Afterwards, I realized that despite being in a sorority, guys had influenced my tastes and opinions in video games, TV shows, movies and porn (yep porn), way more than my sorority sisters had. I like a lot of "dude" things. I can quote Super Troopers and Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Out Cold. I have an opinion on different types of porn (I really do. I think most porn is funny, not so much a turn on. So if I'm going to watch a porn, I prefer it to be as 70's-esque as possible, with big mustaches and bigger bushes. Sorry, while I very much enjoy having sex myself, I think watching other people have sex is just funny.) I don't like first-person shooter games, they make me nauseous (it's the first person view) not to mention that I just don't have the reaction time required to be good at them. I hate sports games because I don't get sports, the appeal, and from lack of reaction time as stated above. I love RPG's, a good cinematic will get me everytime. For a while in college, my nickname was Neverwinter Nights because I played it constantly until I won it and then started over again. I've developed a deep and abiding love for an MMO. I can have a sustained conversation about raiding in WoW and have opinions.
I still love to read, especially Science Fiction and Fantasy novels, I'm always looking for a good author. I'm currently reading: "Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Before that I read a vampire novel and before that I was re-reading a romance novel. I can give you my theory on how the Zombie Apocolypse will happen, and I own a 22 rifle, though I've never been hunting and I have no desire to. I also have a great fondness for the idea of dragons and fairies, knights in shining armor and pirates. This is why I still love a good Renaissance Festival (I'm a Renn Faire snob, btw, critical of shows, crafts and the size. For example, I'll go to the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival if that's my only choice, but I much prefer a bigger festival that draws better shows). I've always thought joining the SCA would be fun, and that I can understand why people LARP and though I have no motivation to do it on my own, could probably be convinced if someone wanted to take the time to persuade me. I love that scene from The Labyrinth where she's dressed up in the park reciting poetry, I can totally understand the urge on a beautiful spring day. I've never done it, but I understand it.
In other words, I am a super-geek. I keep it pretty well hidden in my normal life. With it emerging occasionally in conversation when I figure out that the other person would be amenable to such a topic. But most of the time it's under wraps. I've been told that I still let that left-over shyness from high-school take over occasionally (This is how that conversation tends to go [scene: getting drunk with good girl-friend at a bar] "I totally thought you were a bitch when I first met you, but I was wrong! You're the sweetest girl ever!" Me, concerned: "Why did you think I was a bitch?" "You were just so quiet, you wouldn't talk back to me when I talked to you!" "Oh, I was just shy." "I know that now!!" [also, I feel devastated every time I have this conversation, wondering who else I've been a bitch to. And I know this isn't just one person, I have had this conversation multiple, multiple times]).
I try to not do this when I first start dating a guy, but I do. I clam up. It feels physically impossible to talk sometimes, like there's something in my throat stopping me. Heck, the last time I went on a first date, I apologized because I couldn't make eye-contact. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder if I don't just want to have sex on the first date just so I can loosen up and relax.
Sigh, I try to let boys who I'm interested in dating know that deep down inside I'm really really geeky, but they don't really understand until much later into it. And I just want a cute boy who will geek out with me. Maybe convince me that LARPing would totally be worth the risk of ridicule. Ok, maybe not. I'm kindof clumsy, I might loose an eye trying to do that.
My quietness, by the time I reached High School, had started to come off as bitchiness. I didn't know how to respond when guys flirted with me, it felt a lot like being teased. I was too smart for a lot of my public school classes, so I read books during the class and did my homework when I got it in the rest of class. I was a child that would have welcomed extra classes after school, but my parents were never the kind to push for that type of thing, and I didn't know it existed to ask.
By my Junior year of high school. I had made a firm group of friends, of which I was the least weird. Their weirdness fascinated me. I was introduced to anime, video games (Super Mario doesn't count, this was true RPG gaming for the Playstation), the Renaissance festival, drama, technical theatre, and DnD. Most of these friends were older than me. My best friend was my age, and that was about it. I probably won't be going to my high school reunion, only because I wouldn't get to see this group, so what's the point?
I was editor of the Literary Magazine, easily in honor societies that required attendance, I didn't bother attending. I was in Chamber Choir and whatever the big choir was called, and I was taking vocal lessons to perform solo and in small ensembles. I was the sound guru/Stage Manager for the Technical Theatre group. I easily earned my "letters" in Drama and Choir, but never bothered to buy a letterman jacket. The summer before, I worked at the local Renaissance Festival as a street performer. Pretty costume and lots of fun!
When I went to college, I knew that I loved all that geeky stuff. On top of that I loved gadgets and gizmos and I wanted to major in Computer Science (not realizing that computer science majors don't typically get to write video games). I was beginning to be comfortable with myself. I went off to my nerdy college (seriously, I picked the nerdiest college I could find. Specializing in Engineering, the guy/girl ratio was 4/1 my freshman year. In my senior year it had become normal to be the only girl in a class of 30+, I didn't even notice it anymore.), resolved to show and act with more confidence. Btw, like most college students, I changed my mind on what I wanted to major in, I ended up with a degree in Engineering Management.
I had dated 4 guys at this point, only 1 "long term" of 6 months, the others for a month or less at a time. I had spent my summer outside working at the local amusement park, so I was tanner then I had ever been (or ever will be again, I'm sure) even though it was a farmers tan. I had dated 3 of those 4 guys that summer. Been flirted with, told I was cute. I was feeling very confident that I was going to a college of like-minded individuals whom I would form intellectual, and hopefully some physical (boys!!) connections with.
I joined one of the 3 Sororities on campus (compare to the 21 Fraternities on campus), and found a group of sisters who shared my interest in all things nerdy. ***For those few of you that I gave this link to, I just want to plug an I love you and AOT!*** Further expanding my nerdiness by exploring things like DDR, Diablo II, Final Fantasy, Knitting, DM (Dungeon Master) for DnD, I also learned about my less nerdy side. I like to dress up and be girly. Turns out I have a talent for chugging beer, though not the tolerance to back it up. I became the President of my Sorority for 1.5 terms (it's a long story). I also had no qualms about winning pie-eating contests (I'm not fat, so why would I be self-conscious about it?), or participating in "couch-burnings" - it was southern Missouri.
Afterwards, I realized that despite being in a sorority, guys had influenced my tastes and opinions in video games, TV shows, movies and porn (yep porn), way more than my sorority sisters had. I like a lot of "dude" things. I can quote Super Troopers and Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Out Cold. I have an opinion on different types of porn (I really do. I think most porn is funny, not so much a turn on. So if I'm going to watch a porn, I prefer it to be as 70's-esque as possible, with big mustaches and bigger bushes. Sorry, while I very much enjoy having sex myself, I think watching other people have sex is just funny.) I don't like first-person shooter games, they make me nauseous (it's the first person view) not to mention that I just don't have the reaction time required to be good at them. I hate sports games because I don't get sports, the appeal, and from lack of reaction time as stated above. I love RPG's, a good cinematic will get me everytime. For a while in college, my nickname was Neverwinter Nights because I played it constantly until I won it and then started over again. I've developed a deep and abiding love for an MMO. I can have a sustained conversation about raiding in WoW and have opinions.
I still love to read, especially Science Fiction and Fantasy novels, I'm always looking for a good author. I'm currently reading: "Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Before that I read a vampire novel and before that I was re-reading a romance novel. I can give you my theory on how the Zombie Apocolypse will happen, and I own a 22 rifle, though I've never been hunting and I have no desire to. I also have a great fondness for the idea of dragons and fairies, knights in shining armor and pirates. This is why I still love a good Renaissance Festival (I'm a Renn Faire snob, btw, critical of shows, crafts and the size. For example, I'll go to the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival if that's my only choice, but I much prefer a bigger festival that draws better shows). I've always thought joining the SCA would be fun, and that I can understand why people LARP and though I have no motivation to do it on my own, could probably be convinced if someone wanted to take the time to persuade me. I love that scene from The Labyrinth where she's dressed up in the park reciting poetry, I can totally understand the urge on a beautiful spring day. I've never done it, but I understand it.
In other words, I am a super-geek. I keep it pretty well hidden in my normal life. With it emerging occasionally in conversation when I figure out that the other person would be amenable to such a topic. But most of the time it's under wraps. I've been told that I still let that left-over shyness from high-school take over occasionally (This is how that conversation tends to go [scene: getting drunk with good girl-friend at a bar] "I totally thought you were a bitch when I first met you, but I was wrong! You're the sweetest girl ever!" Me, concerned: "Why did you think I was a bitch?" "You were just so quiet, you wouldn't talk back to me when I talked to you!" "Oh, I was just shy." "I know that now!!" [also, I feel devastated every time I have this conversation, wondering who else I've been a bitch to. And I know this isn't just one person, I have had this conversation multiple, multiple times]).
I try to not do this when I first start dating a guy, but I do. I clam up. It feels physically impossible to talk sometimes, like there's something in my throat stopping me. Heck, the last time I went on a first date, I apologized because I couldn't make eye-contact. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder if I don't just want to have sex on the first date just so I can loosen up and relax.
Sigh, I try to let boys who I'm interested in dating know that deep down inside I'm really really geeky, but they don't really understand until much later into it. And I just want a cute boy who will geek out with me. Maybe convince me that LARPing would totally be worth the risk of ridicule. Ok, maybe not. I'm kindof clumsy, I might loose an eye trying to do that.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
10 minutes...
I'm done with all the work I'm going to get done on this, the day before Turkey day. (hahahaha, sorry)
I'm feeling a little slap happy and decided I wanted to write. But I don't have a topic in mind and I only have 10 minutes before I leave to catch my bus. I would like to say to freedom, but I will probably be working this weekend..... or not, I don't think anyone else is. We'll see how much alcohol it takes to convince me that I don't need to work this weekend.
I haven't talked to boy1 for days. I find that except for the occasional pang, of genuine missing him, I'm ok with this. I'm seeing boy2 tonight, I'm excited about that. I like him more and more everyday, but when I stand back and evaluate, I'm still not in love and I don't want to settle this time around, I saw what happened last time. So why when I with him do I feel absolutely thrilled?
I have to say he's just fulfilling a lot of needs right now. Will I be able to stand strong and be honest if he starts pushing for more? That I don't want to be in more of a relationship with him? The shrink and other friends have convinced me that it's alright to ride things out as long as I want to.
What am I going to say if he says I love you? Part of me loves parts of him. And I say I love you to friends all the time. In fact, it's taken pure will power alone not to say "love you!" as part of my good-bye to him. I don't want to give him the wrong impression by accident.
I told boy1 I loved him, after he said it to me, I felt pressured. And I did/do love parts of him too. Like the sex. ;) lol. Ok and some other things. But still, I'm really working on not saying it inappropriately.
Oops, 10 minutes is up. Till next time! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I'm feeling a little slap happy and decided I wanted to write. But I don't have a topic in mind and I only have 10 minutes before I leave to catch my bus. I would like to say to freedom, but I will probably be working this weekend..... or not, I don't think anyone else is. We'll see how much alcohol it takes to convince me that I don't need to work this weekend.
I haven't talked to boy1 for days. I find that except for the occasional pang, of genuine missing him, I'm ok with this. I'm seeing boy2 tonight, I'm excited about that. I like him more and more everyday, but when I stand back and evaluate, I'm still not in love and I don't want to settle this time around, I saw what happened last time. So why when I with him do I feel absolutely thrilled?
I have to say he's just fulfilling a lot of needs right now. Will I be able to stand strong and be honest if he starts pushing for more? That I don't want to be in more of a relationship with him? The shrink and other friends have convinced me that it's alright to ride things out as long as I want to.
What am I going to say if he says I love you? Part of me loves parts of him. And I say I love you to friends all the time. In fact, it's taken pure will power alone not to say "love you!" as part of my good-bye to him. I don't want to give him the wrong impression by accident.
I told boy1 I loved him, after he said it to me, I felt pressured. And I did/do love parts of him too. Like the sex. ;) lol. Ok and some other things. But still, I'm really working on not saying it inappropriately.
Oops, 10 minutes is up. Till next time! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Nightmares, part 2
I kept trying to fall back to sleep and I did for another 20 minutes. This time I had a dream about the house I own with the Ex.
It wasn't really a nightmare, just picturing and remembering all the hopes I had for that house. I wanted to have babies there. Maybe not live there forever, but start our lives there.
And now it stands empty, with the ghosts of unborn children and a future that will never happen. Children I might never be able to have. This is one of my biggest fears. We tried to have a baby for over a year before he told me he had "changed his mind" and didn't want to have babies right now after all. (That would make sense btw, if I had been the one to suggest we try having children. I wasn't, it was his idea.)
Right before we went to Korea, we had been trying for almost a year, I convinced a doctor to sign us up for some tests. For those of you that don't know, there's really only 1 test for a guy, and about a million for a girl. He passed his test, and I took 3 (out of those million) and passed mine.
It wasn't like we weren't having sex. We were having it frequently, not with a lot of enthusiasm, but frequently.
I want to have children someday, and the idea that I possibly can't makes me super upset. I know, I've heard all the platitudes about how I'm worrying about nothing, etc, etc. It doesn't help that, despite being grateful that I don't have a baby going through this divorce, I feel like my lack of conception might have contributed to the inevitable dissolution of our marriage.
I know this is stupid in this day and age, but I feel useless as a woman if I can't conceive. Like I've lost a part of my purpose in life if I can never experience pregnancy and birth. Sure, I can adopt, it's not the same. What guy wants a girl who might not be able to give him a family?
And as a side note, I'm jealous of all my friends with babies. To the point that sometimes I'm repulsed by their child. Holding their adorable bundle of joy is like a stab in the heart. No offense friends with children who might read this, your child is adorable and wonderful. It just hurts to be around them and your happy family sometimes.
Someday, I know, I'll have a family of my own, and I won't be like my mother, and I'll probably be able to conceive and give birth to my own child. But for now, I have doubts. My shrink told me last night that I live in my own head a lot. I've never before considered that, maybe I do. Don't reassure me, I won't believe you. Or rather, I'll believe you, but I won't stop worrying about it. Turning it over in my head, mulling about it, contemplating...
It wasn't really a nightmare, just picturing and remembering all the hopes I had for that house. I wanted to have babies there. Maybe not live there forever, but start our lives there.
And now it stands empty, with the ghosts of unborn children and a future that will never happen. Children I might never be able to have. This is one of my biggest fears. We tried to have a baby for over a year before he told me he had "changed his mind" and didn't want to have babies right now after all. (That would make sense btw, if I had been the one to suggest we try having children. I wasn't, it was his idea.)
Right before we went to Korea, we had been trying for almost a year, I convinced a doctor to sign us up for some tests. For those of you that don't know, there's really only 1 test for a guy, and about a million for a girl. He passed his test, and I took 3 (out of those million) and passed mine.
It wasn't like we weren't having sex. We were having it frequently, not with a lot of enthusiasm, but frequently.
I want to have children someday, and the idea that I possibly can't makes me super upset. I know, I've heard all the platitudes about how I'm worrying about nothing, etc, etc. It doesn't help that, despite being grateful that I don't have a baby going through this divorce, I feel like my lack of conception might have contributed to the inevitable dissolution of our marriage.
I know this is stupid in this day and age, but I feel useless as a woman if I can't conceive. Like I've lost a part of my purpose in life if I can never experience pregnancy and birth. Sure, I can adopt, it's not the same. What guy wants a girl who might not be able to give him a family?
And as a side note, I'm jealous of all my friends with babies. To the point that sometimes I'm repulsed by their child. Holding their adorable bundle of joy is like a stab in the heart. No offense friends with children who might read this, your child is adorable and wonderful. It just hurts to be around them and your happy family sometimes.
Someday, I know, I'll have a family of my own, and I won't be like my mother, and I'll probably be able to conceive and give birth to my own child. But for now, I have doubts. My shrink told me last night that I live in my own head a lot. I've never before considered that, maybe I do. Don't reassure me, I won't believe you. Or rather, I'll believe you, but I won't stop worrying about it. Turning it over in my head, mulling about it, contemplating...
Nightmares, part 1
Last night I had nightmares. Everything was good. I was perfectly happy to get woken up by boy2 to say goodnight. (seriously, I love that) I fell back to sleep almost immediately.
I woke up 30 minutes later because I had a nightmare about seeing my Dad for the last time. Update: My Dad died about 3 years ago.
I remembered how horrified I was that he was so fragile. My strong, stoic father, who barely touched us, much less told us he loved us. Telling me he loved me and he was proud of me from a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes. My father, who I wanted so much to be like, smart, proud and in-charge. Reduced to a broken hip and twitchy muscles so he couldn't even focus his eyes. All because of the randomness of kidney disease and a virus caught because his immune system was being suppressed to save that new kidney he had just gotten the year before, that they couldn't cure in time.
I was so angry... still am I guess, when my mother kept pressuring him for a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). I wanted to scream, he's 58! Why won't you give him a chance to fight!? He didn't want to sign at first and she kept pressuring him.
I don't think my mother killed my father, but I don't think she gave him much of a chance either. I think she killed his will to live. Who wants to live when your spouse is basically saying you're not worth taking care of? And she wondered why, after my father died, I couldn't talk to her about missing him. She wanted to sob to me on the phone about how lonely and sad she was that he was gone, and I was suppressing not yelling at her. Maybe if she hadn't pressured him for the DNR he'd still be here today! I couldn't tell my mother that, but I couldn't stand talking to her either.
She kept pointing out how much I was like him, that I didn't want to talk about my emotions. All I wanted was to not talk about them with her or anyone else. It's horrible to be so angry at your own mother. Especially for something you know it's not completely logical to blame her for. I didn't want to talk to her about it and I didn't want to admit it out-loud to anyone I knew, for fear of being told all the logical reasons why I shouldn't blame her. I know! I've gone over them in my head a million times.
I used to try and talk with her. Comfort her, offer suggestions to make her happy. She would complain about how lonely she was, I would suggest taking a community college class, or volunteering, or joining a book club. All of which she would hem-and-haw about and in the end still not venture outside the house. I suggested therapy, she said it was too expensive. My grandparents, her parents died a year after my dad died. Things got worse. Her dog died. She said she wanted to be near me, but wouldn't come for a visit much less contemplate a move. Her and my brother (who is an alcoholic and drug addict), clung to each other, while she complained about how terrible he was and he called her a b*tch.
Everything was about her, but there was never anything new. She was stuck in a rut and refused to move on with life. I became more angry that I was being clung to. Depended on for her happiness. I tried to be the "good daughter", but I wanted to have my own life too. And talking to her all the time meant that there was no longer anything to talk about. No more safe topics.
She finally agreed on a visit, at Christmas last year. I practically had a nervous break-down before she came because I knew her history of causing drama to get attention, and my Ex's mother and sister and their family were coming too. In fact, I drank so much the week before that I probably had alcohol poisoning.
My mother stayed for 3 days and then left before Christmas because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. She then proceeded to leave me nasty voice mails, emails, and even sent a letter snail mail telling me all sorts of things that were meant to hurt. I stopped talking to her.
In the last 11 months I've talked to my mother once, to tell her I was getting a divorce. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she said to me: "I never wanted this for you..."
Last night is the first time I've ever dreamed of my father in that hospital bed. I never want to ever again.
I woke up 30 minutes later because I had a nightmare about seeing my Dad for the last time. Update: My Dad died about 3 years ago.
I remembered how horrified I was that he was so fragile. My strong, stoic father, who barely touched us, much less told us he loved us. Telling me he loved me and he was proud of me from a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes. My father, who I wanted so much to be like, smart, proud and in-charge. Reduced to a broken hip and twitchy muscles so he couldn't even focus his eyes. All because of the randomness of kidney disease and a virus caught because his immune system was being suppressed to save that new kidney he had just gotten the year before, that they couldn't cure in time.
I was so angry... still am I guess, when my mother kept pressuring him for a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). I wanted to scream, he's 58! Why won't you give him a chance to fight!? He didn't want to sign at first and she kept pressuring him.
I don't think my mother killed my father, but I don't think she gave him much of a chance either. I think she killed his will to live. Who wants to live when your spouse is basically saying you're not worth taking care of? And she wondered why, after my father died, I couldn't talk to her about missing him. She wanted to sob to me on the phone about how lonely and sad she was that he was gone, and I was suppressing not yelling at her. Maybe if she hadn't pressured him for the DNR he'd still be here today! I couldn't tell my mother that, but I couldn't stand talking to her either.
She kept pointing out how much I was like him, that I didn't want to talk about my emotions. All I wanted was to not talk about them with her or anyone else. It's horrible to be so angry at your own mother. Especially for something you know it's not completely logical to blame her for. I didn't want to talk to her about it and I didn't want to admit it out-loud to anyone I knew, for fear of being told all the logical reasons why I shouldn't blame her. I know! I've gone over them in my head a million times.
I used to try and talk with her. Comfort her, offer suggestions to make her happy. She would complain about how lonely she was, I would suggest taking a community college class, or volunteering, or joining a book club. All of which she would hem-and-haw about and in the end still not venture outside the house. I suggested therapy, she said it was too expensive. My grandparents, her parents died a year after my dad died. Things got worse. Her dog died. She said she wanted to be near me, but wouldn't come for a visit much less contemplate a move. Her and my brother (who is an alcoholic and drug addict), clung to each other, while she complained about how terrible he was and he called her a b*tch.
Everything was about her, but there was never anything new. She was stuck in a rut and refused to move on with life. I became more angry that I was being clung to. Depended on for her happiness. I tried to be the "good daughter", but I wanted to have my own life too. And talking to her all the time meant that there was no longer anything to talk about. No more safe topics.
She finally agreed on a visit, at Christmas last year. I practically had a nervous break-down before she came because I knew her history of causing drama to get attention, and my Ex's mother and sister and their family were coming too. In fact, I drank so much the week before that I probably had alcohol poisoning.
My mother stayed for 3 days and then left before Christmas because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. She then proceeded to leave me nasty voice mails, emails, and even sent a letter snail mail telling me all sorts of things that were meant to hurt. I stopped talking to her.
In the last 11 months I've talked to my mother once, to tell her I was getting a divorce. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she said to me: "I never wanted this for you..."
Last night is the first time I've ever dreamed of my father in that hospital bed. I never want to ever again.
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