This dating thing...

I'm still putting that planned topic on the back-burner due to recent developments...

I'm officially dating again, in that I've got a date for Wednesday (tomorrow). Hooray! We'll call this guy boy2 and we'll call the BPD guy boy1. For future clarification. We're not going to count the very first guy, cause really I just used him for sex...

So, now, unfortunately, I feel guilty about not telling boy2 about boy1.... like there's something implying that I'm not seeing anyone else at the same time. I mean I kind of expect this out of boy2, so why wouldn't he expect this out of me? Last night, as I lay awake with a panic attack about all this (I know, how useless was that?), the plan I came up with was to break up with boy1 today, completely cut-off, none of this dating shenanigans. In the clear light of day though, I think it'll be ok to wait and see if I like this guy more in person even before doing this.

Besides that boy1 was/is supposed to come trail riding on Saturday... Boy1 has been very quiet the last couple of days... I don't know what to think about that. Except my shrink agrees that boy1's shrink wouldn't have recommended the dating thing unless boy1 brought it up. So as much as I like boy1, it's probably just time to break it off with him completely anyway.

Hmm, maybe I should stick with my midnight resolution and end this thing today after all. Decisions, decisions. I've never broken up with anyone before... ever. If I do this today (or even in the next couple days), it's going to make for an interesting blog entry. So keep posted!

Clarification

I was going to write about something else today (I had the whole plan worked out and everything), but due to some conversations this weekend, I decided to do some clarification.

As embarrassing as it is to admit, I'm pretty sure everybody who's been cheated on has given that person a second chance. You tell yourself you love them and if they'd only choose you, you'd be able to forgive them.

I did this. I gave him a week to change his mind. He didn't. In retrospect, I'm glad. Because this is what would've happened if he had chosen me. I would have worked really hard to forgive him, but I never would have been able to trust him ever again. We would have gone to counseling and years down the road we would've gotten a divorce anyway. It would have been even more bitter and angry then it is now too.

So, if you did this. Don't feel guilty and stupid. (Or at least, keep telling yourself not to feel guilty and stupid.) It was your heart yearning for things to go back to before you knew anything. Just realize it wouldn't have worked anyway.

And if the looks of shock your friends give you, at hearing that you had low enough self-esteem at the time to do this, hurts... Just remember, none of them have gone through this, they don't know.

Traveling and On the Search again...

Writing from the airport on my cell-phone!

First, I just realized a couple minutes ago that besides for business it's been a rare experience for me to travel alone. Kinda bummed out about that. Commence the drinking! Thank you TGIFridays for providing the skinny margarita.

Second, the boy saw his psychiatrist today. Remember how I said the boy has Borderline Personality Disorder? Well, turns out he's not supposed to be in a relationship. So we agreed to date non-monogomously. This is something I've never done and I don't know how enthused I am about it.
I'm definitely not enthused about him seeing other girls. My jealousy flairs up when I think about it. But it might be a good experience if we set up some ground rules. Like no talking to each other about other dates. And of course, using condoms until or unless we want to try monogomy again... Duh. Not that I can picture us being monogomous again... It just seems unlikely that's how this will work out.

Some of my upset is because I worry that maybe I won't be able to find sex that was that good again. It was pretty amazing. In retrospect, how amazing it was might be because of the BPD... it was very intense. Will I only find that intensity in someone with BPD?

After doing a lot of googling about BPD, I've started wondering who else in my life might have had BPD. It's not all that uncommon, more common in females though. There's a certain boy from highschool I had 2 summer (2 different summers) flings with. They were very intense too. He seems a likely candidate in retrospect. ;)

Oh well, I'm gonna try this dating thing, but basically I'm on the hunt for love again. Or at least some really good sex. :D

Ripple Effect

I was thinking this morning about the instances recently where I've noticed different behavior in couples that my ex and I were/are very close to.

It sounds egotistic even egocentric to say that I think my divorce... and everything about the story is affecting everyone around me. I'll admit, not everyone. However, I notice that good friends in relationships, who have never questioned that relationship, have been doing some really strange stuff recently.

I also think the fact that I'm noticing this is a sign of how much they are being affected. I'm really self-absorbed lately. :)

Examples? The biggest one I can think of, is a couple weeks ago. We had a girls night. This girl, we'll call her V. V has a husband of several years, and always seems happy and content in her relationship. On this girls night though, we all get really really drunk. V ends up making out with a random guy and going home with him! She swears she didn't sleep with him, she just passed out on his couch. I was really drunk and distracted at the time (making out with my own guy, thank you very much), otherwise I probably would have tried to rein her in, as a good friend, knowing she would regret what she was doing. But since I didn't notice....

Why do I connect this with me? Since the separation with my ex, I hadn't really talked to V before that evening, and I remember her seeming really affected by what I was saying, like things were sinking home with her. I think V felt the urge to test her boundaries and feelings about her own relationship after hearing about mine.  I also don't malign all men as evil or anything when I tell my story, so it's not like I said anything like "You guys should get out of your relationships cause all men suck."  Opposite in fact, I look forward to the day I fall in love again and find a guy that I want to try all over again with. So I don't feel guilty about this... it's not my fault she has doubts, (I do feel a little guilty about not noticing she was leaving with a random guy... there's a reason guys do the split and conquer with girl groups. We stick together and take care of each other when we're out... except if we get distracted.) it's just a very blatant example of something I've been noticing with couples I'm close to.

I'm also the first out of any of my friends to get a divorce. I don't know anyone else who is/has in my group of friends. I know one girl at work, we've become really good friends lately, btw. I think it's like a shock to the group dynamic. Everyone feels rocked by it to some degree and some are actually changing behaviors or doing stupid stuff like above.

I should probably conclude the story by telling you that V and her husband are doing ok. They had a huge fight where she was kicked out of the house for a while. I believe she's also not allowed to drink without him for a while too. Despite her indiscretion, they seem to have worked it out to their satisfaction. Good for them.

On the selfish side of things, it makes me wonder what the next unsettling thing to happen will be. Stuff like this seriously disturbs my peace of mind. (Didn't want you to think I wasn't self-absorbed and egocentric after all that.)

Just another Update

About large, life-shattering events...  :)

Yesterday, I signed the divorce papers with my ex. Woot! There are several reasons to be excited here.

1. When I saw the ex for the first time in months, all I really felt was disgust, and a little irritation that he hadn't completed the paperwork like I had wanted him to. (He finished the basic stuff, but he didn't write up our monetary agreement, so I had to do that for him. *sigh* I swear, I shouldn't have to baby any male who is not having sex with me.)
2. I am on the way to being completely separate from him. Not just by continents, but by paperwork, and a certificate. And soon thereafter, no house.
3. Boys who I date will be less nervous about dating me if I have the paperwork signed. Yay!

I didn't have to break up with the boy because he didn't cancel on me!! I feel like dancing with this one. Or jumping. Up and Down.... I'll stop elaborating now.


Second session of therapy went really well. I felt like I was vindicated in a lot of my goals and beliefs. I also didn't cry this time (yay, I hate crying!). It went so well, she asked if I wanted to do sessions every week or every-other week. I told her let's stick with every week for now. Because while Monday was a good day, the weekend kind of sucked, and a lot of what got me through it was knowing I was going to be able to talk to her on Monday.  I also feel like, if I'm not so utterly depressed or panicked, I tend to gloss over things. I'm just used to not wanting other people to worry. In fact, I hate it when other people worry, or pity me. Or even worse, if I do tell them, they think I'm exaggerating.


Speaking of, I went out with a large group of friends last night, before the boy came out. I mentioned, just a short while before the boy came out that he was coming out, and they all started teasing me. I know they were teasing and didn't mean anything by any of it, but somehow it kicked off a panic attack. And when I realized I was having a panic attack... in public, it got worse, a lot worse. Before I knew it, I was hyperventilating, and asking for another car bomb, asap.




***Big Medical Breakthrough!!!! Irish Car Bombs are the cure to panic attacks. I immediately felt better.*** It's just too bad I can't have Irish Car Bombs at work, because besides the eventual consequences of kidney problems and possible alcoholism, my problems would be solved.



Back on topic, only one person really noticed that I was upset. Today, I tried to kind of apologize and explain that a panic attack isn't really just from one thing. I kind of got a side-ways look and I just stopped talking.

True, I can control mine better than a lot of people. Just because I don't have hysterics or pass out when I have one, doesn't mean I'm not having one. Part of that is worrying about how stupid I might look. I'm happy to realize they didn't really notice, but I think it sucks that they might think I was exaggerating. That's what I get for thinking an explanation/apology might be pertinent.

That's my update for today. Other than feeling like I've been having a panic attack all afternoon (ugh, I haven't had one of these for days...), things are going well. I'll be going back to college for our homecoming this weekend. I'm sure I will have stories and pictures from that!

Self-Righteousness

I've got a healthy dose of this today. Perhaps spurred on by a nice therapy session last night, perhaps spurred on by this Reddit thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l0jr9/why_do_we_keep_supporting_the_idea_that_we_should/

I have very little tolerance for people that don't try to help themselves. I am fine with you if you're fine with yourself. But don't complain and b*tch to me about the stuff you hate about yourself and do nothing about it.

***Side note, if you are doing something about it, whatever that problem with yourself may be, you are exempt from this. You can complain to me all you want. Because I will bet money that the end of the conversation goes something like this: "But at least I'm doing something about it, I look forward to the day when I don't have this issue anymore!"

Don't worry, I like to b*tch and complain with the best of them, but if I can do something to change it, I will.

This is part of the reason my mother and I don't get along. She wants to complain to me for hours, but at the end of the day, she doesn't want to take any advice and do something to change her situation, she just wants to complain and stay unhappy. I'm pretty sure she thinks this gives her purpose in life.

So what do I recommend?

• If you're fat and unhappy about it. Go on a diet and start exercising. It might not work (at first), but at least you'll know that you're trying to better yourself and you can go to a doctor with your results and see if there's a reason it doesn't work and what you can do about it.
• If you're ugly and unhappy about it (I'd like to interject here and say that there are very few people in this world who are truly unfortunate looking), try on some new clothes, some new make-up, pay for an expensive haircut (this really makes a difference, trust me). Last resort: if you're still unhappy with yourself, get the plastic surgery. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks, if it makes you a happier person, do it!
• If you're unhappy at work, either talk to your boss, or HR to try to do something to change the situation, or start looking into a change in jobs. Due to the economy, you might not get to change jobs, but at least you'll know you're trying to do something to change you're situation. Don't be Michael Bolton from Office Space.
• If you're single and unhappy about it, get on dating websites or go out to bars. I don't care what your preference is for dating, but don't stay home and expect me to be sympathetic when you tell me how no one wants to date you. No one is meeting you!
• If you're poor, get another job or get some education. There are a million loans and scholarships that you don't have to pay back until you've graduated. (I have a theory that if you stay in school forever, you never have to pay them.)
• If you're lonely, get a pet and then go out and meet people!
• If you're sad, make a plan. You might be sad now, but how are you going to fix it? From recent experiences, I recommend: Seeing a therapist of some sort, changing your environment (moving if you have to), going out a lot, dressing up and flirting, dating (maybe not seriously), good sex if you can get it.
• If you're anxious (current situation for me at least), see a therapist, try to cut out from your life whatever is making you anxious, breathe (that one's important), exercise (this helps get out some of that nervous tension), distraction (books, movies, TV, Reddit).  ***Second side note for the day: I just discovered that it's possible to have a happy panic attack. Really just breathing might be the answer here... or typing on your blog if you have one. ;)

Through all this, you can realize that you're little bad habits and flaws are not that big of a deal. I have been trying to quit biting my nails for years. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I'm always trying new things to help myself along (most recently, taking Hair, Skin and Nail vitamin supplements!). Be pro-active, not a drain on society.

And yeah, sure, I make everything sound easy. It's not, it's damn hard. But everyone will have more respect for you trying, and guess what? You'll have more respect for yourself too.

Paranoid or not too Paranoid...

...that is the question.

So first an update about my dating life. Boy canceled on me Thursday night with a fairly good reason. He rescheduled for Friday night and then canceled that one too.... this time for a not so good reason. We saw each other on Saturday (though due to rain and overall crappiness, we didn't go to the apple festival and he didn't meet my friends) and I didn't really express my displeasure until he waited till 6:30 pm to tell me he had plans with his brother at 8pm....

So then I expressed my displeasure in being bailed on. I also told myself that if he cancels on Tuesday (next time I'm supposed to see him), then I'll be breaking up with him. I like him, but I can't handle the rejection.

Am I being Paranoid? Probably. Unreasonable? I don't think so... but we'll see what the Doc has to say about it this afternoon. After all, I can't say I'm the most comfortable person to date right now. I can't seem to make myself make it any easier (I know that sometimes, for example, I tell him things purposefully to see if it'll scare him off. I don't like doing it. In fact, I absolutely hate it. But I also can't seem to help but do it. Part of it is that I don't want to lie by omission.... I would hate it if he thought I was purposefully not telling him about things.)


Other Updates:

My Ex is currently in town. I will be seeing him to sign the divorce papers tomorrow morning! Yay! And scary at the same time... I still just don't want to see him. I'm having Panic Attacks and Nightmares about this one. The nightmares are currently about him deciding to bring lawyers last minute, or refusing to put what I want on the papers, which would mean I wouldn't sign which would mean prolonged BS where I have to get lawyers, etc. This is highly unlikely, as I have much more to gain from calling in lawyers then he does... but still.

Current Evaluation about Panic Attacks: Seem to be when I feel overwhelmed or unstable. Like the whole world is changing and I don't know where to stand in it. Thinking about rejection (the possibility of the boy cancelling on Tuesday) will typically set one off. Though I get calmer if I think about the after effects.

That's it for today. Tomorrow I'll let you know how my second session of therapy went and how signing the divorce papers went! Wednesday I'll let you know how getting trashed on a Tuesday Night went and if I had to break up with the boy or not! It looks to be an exciting reading week for you dear readers. :)