Unexpected Neurosis

I fully expected to have trust issues. I fully expected to have to suppress and talk myself into believing a guy was not cheating on me, that he was a good guy and telling me the truth.

I never expected to feel doubt about future of a house.

Let me expound. When we were first looking at houses, the ex and I had big plans. He claimed to be handy and that he was excited about fixing up a house.

What really happened was that we bought a house that needed work and I worked on the house and he didn't. Sure he did the occasional required work, but he felt no urge to complete projects, or start projects... instead playing WoW and pointing out how tired he was after work. So much for working on the house together....

Ok, I understand he was tired, but I did projects and completed them, and I'm not the one who claimed to be handy before we bought the house.

So when boy2 starts talking about how excited he is to own a house in the future, and especially that it be a fixer upper, I had doubts. Serious doubts. And I tried my damnedest not to be a Debbie downer and be supportive. Because I would love to own a fixer upper on some land. I just couldn't help it, every time he started talking about it, I would think, 'but you'll be tired after working in construction all day you really want to come home and do that?? What about WoW?' He's the Guild Master of a top tier guild. And while I find that very attractive, it doesn't mean he has a lot of time after work, unless he's planning on giving  up WoW (can't see this happening).

While I have legit arguments for doubting him.... he doesn't deserve it. He follows through on everything else I've seen, and it's not fair to transfer my doubts to him.

Who knew my doubts and neurosis would interfere with this???

The dumbest drama...

Since, I mentioned in the last post that this stupid party fight is some of the dumbest drama I've ever been involved in. I thought I would tell the story of the absolute dumbest drama I've ever been involved in. I'm pretty sure nothing will ever top this.

A couple of weekends ago, I went on a trip back to my college. I rode on an aeroplane and everything! On my second flight (I had to layover on the way there), I was sitting in the middle seat of the first row. It's a two hour flight, no biggie though, there's a girl to my left (window) and an older, not too fat guy to my right (aisle).

We take off and about two minutes in, the old-guy turns on his reading light and leans on the armrest (my armrest) and starts reading his book.... in my lap. I mean he is way leaned over. I am so uncomfortable. His arm is rubbing up against my ribs and my boob. I really have no place to go, there's only so far I can lean towards the girl, and it's not cutting it.

15 minutes in, I give in and ask him, very politely, to please lean the other direction. He gets all huffy and says he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I gape at him and point out that his book is practically in my lap. He reluctantly pulls up and sits straighter. Still in my bubble but not nearly as bad.

5 minutes later he's back in the same spot, and I have to do it. I say "I just don't understand why it's so hard to lean the other direction... please." Oh this time he's upset. He rambles off some reasons. The book light is over there he wants to read, I tell him he could move it. He swears he's not leaning into me at all. He says it's an armrest meant to be shared.

At this point I lose it. I tell him, oh the armrest is meant to be shared? Really? Well then I want my part of the armrest. I stick my elbow on the armrest and what ensues is a 1.5 hour fight over the armrest.

Elbowing each other, he says that now I'm invading his space. I say, oh really, I wonder how that feels. (Mind you... I'm not leaning, I didn't have the courage, nor did I really want to be close to him). At one point he reaches down like he has to get something (totally fake) and comes back up quick so he can slam his elbow into my arm. I hold my ground, and in fact, claim even more space. Mwahahaha.

The flight finally ends. I have hives because I hate confrontation that much. We disembark and I walk towards baggage. The guy sitting across the aisle from us, comes up to tell me how much that guy deserved what I did and he was glad I stood up to him. We talked loudly (with the old-guy walking behind us) about how rude the old-guy was.

This is by-far the most immature thing I've done in my adult life. I don't think I'll ever top it. I'm so embarrassed by this story. Yet strangely proud of myself for winning the elbow war.

I only post when I'm miserable

Well, that's the truth, so let's get to it.

I realize I'm a social bully (I like bullying people into doing social things)... if you don't want to do something, just say so. I bullied a friend into hosting a Halloween Party, actually, there was a compromise made. We (myself and my roommate) would host a pumpkin carving party a couple weeks ago, and he would host the Halloween Party. It's now just a couple days away from the Halloween Party and he's really made it clear he's not happy he's hosting. Makes me not want to go. Invite list is small (all people I don't typically hang with), he's scheduled something else earlier that evening, making the likelihood of a good party small, people just don't typically do multiple events in one evening well.

I would've hosted the Halloween Party if I had known the consequences. Not only that, but me and this guy never fight, so I feel rotten about that too. For that matter, I never fight with friends, period. I don't like confrontation.

But when I think about not having a Halloween party, I just get all sad. There's always been a Halloween party for the last 8 years of my life.

At this point, I would offer to have it at my place, but I know BFF/roomie, really doesn't want to at all. (She gets a little anal about cleaning up the night of, not the next day... and her parties don't typically last after midnight.... she's an old lady in disguise.)

I kinda want to go to the first event, but I'll feel like a real kill-joy if I'm all ready to leave, get dressed in my costume and go drink and everyone else is like, "yay! we're having fun!"

And to top it all off, I jumped the gun (at least now it feels like I jumped the gun) and asked boy2 if he wanted to come to the party. How am I going to explain (without looking like a psycho) if I'm too pissed to go?

You know what I really want? To get some alcohol tonight. That's probably not a good thing.


*Whine, whine, bitch, bitch*

This probably has something to do with change-anxieties, etc. But it's not actually super connected to the whole divorce and recovery thing. I just wanted to complain.  :D

Update: I had terrible anxiety about this last night and didn't get much sleep. So I sent an apology email to this guy at 4am for "taking over" his party by inviting a few more people... like he told me I could. Whatever, I just want things to not be awkward between us. Plus, I did feel bad for stepping on his toes a little. Thus far I've gotten no response to this, except for a text asking me how many people were coming. I told him no one's confirmed yet. And he said Let me know so I can buy enough food. I said let me know what you want and I'll get it for you. I don't know if he took this as stepping on his toes again or what. I just felt bad for apparently inviting a "ton" of people (4) more than he originally planned on, like it's going to cost him a small fortune.

I really want to not go to this party now and I don't think there's a graceful way to do that. Maybe I'll be "sick" that night?

Oh, BTW, this is probably some of the dumbest drama I've ever gotten involved in. Furthering my fears that I'm turning into the crazy girl.

Why?

Seeing this is like getting punched in the stomach.

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lk0g5/i_caught_my_wife_cheating_i_am_lost/

It instantly reminds me of the pain and anguish of those first couple of days. But I can't let it be. I PMed (Private Messaged) this guy, letting know I'm here to talk if he wants to.

I just can't stand this. Why do people cheat? Hanging on to one person while you decide if you can get something better is horrible. How can you be that person? Why can't people be honest and upfront about how they feel? I know, I make it sound easy when it clearly is not.

I've been trying to hold to a policy of honesty with guys I've been dating. This means saying something if something is bothering me. And I'd like to think I'd be honest and just tell someone if I didn't like them.

BTW, I still haven't broken up with boy1. Not because I haven't tried, but because he's very successful at avoiding me. *sigh* I guess I'm giving up that DVD as lost, and unofficial broken-upedness can commence. (haha, I know it's not a word, I don't care!)

Another post about my feelings, and other mushy stuff

Thank god I have a blog to sort out my feelings. I'm sorry you have to suffer through this. Feel free to skip this posting, I won't be offended if you're tired of hearing about my dating trials and tribulations. Constantly evaluating myself and how I feel.

If, however, you've enjoyed my drama and ranting... read on!

I got up the courage today to text boy1 and tell him that if he plans on only drunk texting me in the future (has been the only contact for the last week really) that we should meet up and exchange stuff. I want my Shaolin Soccer DVD back, and I can give him back his book. Asked him what he was doing after work today. No response yet. I'm sure he's freaking himself out about this. But really I just want to make sure we don't have any strings attached. Tell him I really don't think I can do this dating thing, especially if his idea of "dating" is just drunk texting me without actually seeing or talking to me.

On another note, I like boy2 more and more. I'm worried I might just like being pursued though.

So here's a list to help me sort things out in my brain.

Things I like about boy2:

• He's pursuing me. (*cough* what did I just say?!)
• He has lot's of ambition and drive.
• He not only plays WoW, he's a GM of a successful raiding guild. I can't explain why I find this attractive, I just do.
• He snowboards.
• I like talking to him on the phone (I list this because it's rare. I'm an engineer/nerd, and if I can get away with not talking to people that's usually my preference.)

Things I don't like about boy2:

• He likes to argue. So do I, to some extent. And part of me is enjoying the challenge of our conversations. The other party of me feels irritated. Like I always have to be "on".
• Sex with him is not as good as with boy1. But I think that might just be me. I feel like I separated myself emotionally a little bit before I started dating this guy. And, as we all know, sex for a woman, is better if emotions are involved. I think this is probably true for everyone, but I think guys don't like to admit it.

Epiphany:
That's it, that's why I'm hesitating. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is actually just not attraction to boy2, or if I've separated myself emotionally, because I'll admit it, I've been feeling pretty hurt by boy1's rejection (even though my shrink assures me that it's mostly him and his issues and probably has very little to do with me). This would be alright if I wanted to use boy2 for sex and have some recovery time. But I don't think I do. I enjoy talking with him. I just have to go with some good advice. Just relax and try to enjoy myself.


It's strange to think that boy1 might have affected me so much. I'm betting it's not really him. I'm betting that since it was my first time putting myself out there (really extending myself emotionally) for the first time in 9 years, and it didn't end horribly (honestly, it could've been much worse given the factors), still, feeling even more cautious then before. As if your husband cheating on you isn't a good enough reason to be cautious and emotionally stunted. :)

My Favorite Compliments

Honestly, this is the number one reason I'm enjoying dating so much right now (sure, kissing, and sex, and going out and meeting new people is fun and all, but I really love being complimented).

So here's my favorites so far:

• I love how smart you are.
• You have such a cute little butt.
• You're gorgeous, your ex must've been crazy to cheat on you.
• God, you're sexy.
• I think it's so cool that you're so nerdy. (I really love this one, lol!)
• You're a fantastic kisser. (This one is amazing to me just because I have so little practice, the ex was not a kisser. I've been missing out on this for 9 years btw, Kissing is awesome!!)

There's more, but I can't remember them right now.

I've got to admit that the reason some of these are sticking with me is because they're things the ex never said to me.... ever. In fact, I was made to feel dumb a lot, criticized for my "flat butt", never told how beautiful I looked even when I dressed up.... I see you're getting the point.

All these are amazing self-esteem boosters. I love it.  But it makes me realize that I'm not very good at giving compliments either. In fact, I tend to be excruciatingly honest. And I get very inarticulate when I'm being intimate. I just can't think to talk, and some guys just ask a lot of questions and want me to talk. I'm sure whatever I say comes out as virtual nonsense. I sure as hell can't remember what I said afterwards. So I'm thinking maybe I should practice some things to say, that I could whip out at need. (Hahaha, whip out, sorry, my mind's in the gutter)

But, like what??

• Your cock is large and in-charge.
• Your thrusting power is commendable.
• You're the best I've ever had.

Ok, I give up. Not only can I not get my mind out of the gutter at this point, but all these are going to sounds incredibly fake, for obvious reasons.  >.<;;

This dating thing...

I'm still putting that planned topic on the back-burner due to recent developments...

I'm officially dating again, in that I've got a date for Wednesday (tomorrow). Hooray! We'll call this guy boy2 and we'll call the BPD guy boy1. For future clarification. We're not going to count the very first guy, cause really I just used him for sex...

So, now, unfortunately, I feel guilty about not telling boy2 about boy1.... like there's something implying that I'm not seeing anyone else at the same time. I mean I kind of expect this out of boy2, so why wouldn't he expect this out of me? Last night, as I lay awake with a panic attack about all this (I know, how useless was that?), the plan I came up with was to break up with boy1 today, completely cut-off, none of this dating shenanigans. In the clear light of day though, I think it'll be ok to wait and see if I like this guy more in person even before doing this.

Besides that boy1 was/is supposed to come trail riding on Saturday... Boy1 has been very quiet the last couple of days... I don't know what to think about that. Except my shrink agrees that boy1's shrink wouldn't have recommended the dating thing unless boy1 brought it up. So as much as I like boy1, it's probably just time to break it off with him completely anyway.

Hmm, maybe I should stick with my midnight resolution and end this thing today after all. Decisions, decisions. I've never broken up with anyone before... ever. If I do this today (or even in the next couple days), it's going to make for an interesting blog entry. So keep posted!