The Crazies

Despite reassurances given by multiple people, I was pretty sure I wasn't going crazy even before my new therapist said so. (Though it did give me pause that they felt the urge to tell me I wasn't...)

Yesterday, I went to a psychologist for the first time ever. Ever, ever.

How was it? Devastating was the first word that came to mind. Doc (that's what I'm going to call her) was very good at poking and prodding subjects that I had been doing a pretty good job of ignoring. I felt emotionally drained, beat-up, but better for having talking about a lot of stuff that I didn't feel comfortable talking about with friends (or even you dear readers).

Observations from a first timer:

• There was a couch! I didn't lie down on the couch, but I sat on it. Still, way to fulfill my stereotype expectations!
• Super Awkward - Umm, you're talking to a stranger about some of your most private stuff. I don't typically like talking about my emotions (*cough* except in the anonymous forum of my blog apparently), at least the negative ones I usually keep to myself. I like to make people's days brighter, I'm not a complainer. So though I feel super awkward confessing my deepest fears to a stranger, it's a relief to be able to talk about them and not feel guilty about bringing someone else's day down. 
• I don't really know the difference between Counselors, Therapists, Psychologists and Psychiatrists. So I'll probably call Doc all or any of those. To clarify though for future reference, she is a Psychologist.
• Even when I'm feeling super emotionally unstable, I'm apparently still more stable than most people. (eg, I never, ever thought about suicide; I realize that my panic attacks are panic attacks and though I can't stop them I know they'll pass; I know that one day I will feel better and that going to Therapy is one step along that path.) Side Rant: I feel really disgusted with people who think suicide is an answer. Even considering it is cowardly and stupid. How could you be so disdainful of this gift that is life?? Even if you don't believe in God (actually maybe especially if you don't believe in God), you shouldn't even think about wasting this chance to live and love on the Earth. If you ever consider suicide, send me a message, I'll yell you straight! ***Disclaimer- this might actually be a bad idea because I would definitely tell you how stupid you're being and that seems like it might have an opposite effect.

So do I recommend therapy/psychology, whatever? Right now, sure. In a couple weeks, I don't know... I guess we'll find out. :)