Words of Wisdom

"An open vagina is a happy vagina." - BFF

Thank you BFF... I have no idea what that means, but I feel inspired. ;)

Fuuuuuuuck

How did I fall in love? When did this happen?

I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?

Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.

I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.

What do I do?

How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?

Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:

Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?

Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.

I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.

Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.

Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.

Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.

So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.

This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.

Living inside my head...

What if boy2 says he loves me, do I love him? Actions speak louder then words, does he even like me that much?

Am I excited or not about meeting this other boy tonight?

My god, why do I keep forgetting to block that guy on OKCupid? He just messaged me again while I'm sitting here typing this. As soon as I get to a computer...

How can I be so hungry after eating what was clearly a 3000 calorie dinner last night? I was up half the night sick and now I just want some cereal?

Why does the bus smell funny in the morning? Like it just got painted... I'm sure the fumes, whatever they are, are unhealthy. I'm only on here for 20 minutes, what about the poor bus driver?

I really want to bring up the fact that I have a date on Friday night to boy2... To make him jealous? maybe. Maybe just to point out that he should work a little harder if he wants all my attention. But if I bring it up, I'm implying that I want more commitment. Do I? Part of me says yes. Another part gets really scared thinking about it.

I've never gone more than a few weeks into dating a guy before the guy says he loves me (seriously). It's now been 2.5 months of dating boy2. I also have never been able to restrain myself from saying it back, even when it's a lie. I don't want to lie to boy2, I don't know what I feel. And the constant evaluation is exhausting. I'm really physically tired from it, and I can't seem to stop.

I am so happy for a 3 day weekend. I'm tired of training people, I just want some alone time. Solitary, not surrounded by 20 people asking me questions.

Too late. The bus has arrived. I am here.

Just a note...

Merry Christmas!!

I will be sleeping in and watching a marathon of movies with the BFF. To all of you stuck with their family or worse yet, their in-laws... I'm sorry. You can dream of me in my PJs, lounging around all day and be jealous. 

Or grateful, however you want to look at it. ;)

Let the countdown begin....

I probably could have started the countdown much sooner, but it just occurred to me recently how close it was getting.

Play free web games.

I put a question mark because I don't know when the divorce will actually be final. But that's when I plan on turning in the paperwork!

I had a nightmare last night (among others that I don't remember...), that I forgot to turn in the paperwork on January 5th and they wouldn't let me on January 6th! Which is ridiculous because you just have to turn in the paperwork after 90 days, not on 90 days....

So after I turn in the paperwork, it will just be a week or two before I get confirmation, and I think a certificate in the mail, of all my divorced official-ness!

Will boy2 ask me to be his girlfriend after I'm officially divorced? Do I want him to? At least part of me does.... The other part is saying no way  José ! At least not if he wants things to continue as is. If he wants me to see him exclusively, I would want to see him more than once or twice a week.... If he doesn't want to see me more then he shouldn't ask me to be exclusive.

On another note, looks like I'll be seeing bar guy sometime after Christmas... as well as another guy I met on OKCupid. Awesome. :)

Holiday Gift Giving

Since it's right before Christmas, I was thinking about Christmas Cards and all the gift giving going on.

#1. I always forget about Christmas cards and end up sending them in response to the ones I get. And that's on years when I can find my address book. I feel somewhat bad about this, but not really. Don't get me wrong, I like getting Christmas cards, but since the advent of Facebook, I really feel they are impersonal and unnecessary, except maybe if you're receiving them from your Grandma or someone else that isn't on Facebook. Why do I say this? Because all I get in, most, of my Christmas cards is a signature of the person who sent it. No note or anything. So basically, I just got a pretty picture in the mail that cost them $0.42(?) to send me. They probably could have just said "Merry Christmas!" on Facebook, and probably still will, and given it the same amount of thought. Ok, I appreciate that it's a tradition... but still. No one, ok hardly anyone, still roasts Chestnuts on an open fire... why? because it's hard and practically useless, but we all know it used to be a tradition, so why don't we do that too?? Or eat Figgy Pudding? or ride in a One Horse Open Sleigh? If it's not going to mean something, it's probably not worth the postage, that's all I'm saying.

That and I'd be happy to get out of this particular tradition and not get guilted into response cards every year.

There are exceptions to this. For example, one person took the time to address the card to a goofy nickname that made me lol thinking about the postman reading it. Totally worth the postage.


#2. Who am I obligated to exchange gifts with? I feel kind of out of the loop on this. I decided not to send my former-in-law nieces gifts this year because they're not longer my nieces technically. But I feel like I'm regretting this decision already. Should I have sent my mother and brother gifts even though I haven't talked to them in 6+ months? I feel kind of weird exchanging gifts with boy2, but he brought it up and I'm glad there's no ambiguity about it at least... I would have felt terrible if he had gotten me something and I didn't get him anything.

I'm definitely not exchanging with boy1 or any other boy I've talked to or dated recently. Thank goodness for that, the holidays are running me broke!

Is there a book on this stuff? I feel very socially awkward around the holidays....

Sick and Miserable

That's what I am. :(

Nothing good to write about today. Just feel sick.

Maybe tomorrow.

A post not about boys

Even though most of the time, boys are the #1 topic in my brain recently, there is other stuff jangling around in there.

You may have noticed I changed my background to stars (Or not because you're reading this long after I've changed my mind again and with it the background.)

I've been dreaming of stars recently. I've been reading Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries by Neil deGrasse Tyson.

If you don't know who that is, you can read about him on Wikipedia. Or you can do it the fun way and watch some of his interviews.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Neil deGrasse Tyson
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Or visit the Nova Science Now homepage to find out more. (If you click on Watch Video from the top toolbar, you can watch full episodes of the TV series that has really made Neil deGrasse Tyson popular)

One of my favorite quotes from the book (thus far, I'm only like a third of the way through it.):
"Once again, we resurrect the idea that life might be everywhere, just as our ancestors had imagined. But today, we do so without risk of being immolated, and with the newfound knowledge that life is hardy and that the habitable zone may be as large as the universe itself."

That'll make you dream of exploring the stars...

A goodbye (I hope) letter to boy1

I think I was in love with you, at least for a little bit. A combination of great sex and mutual heart-ache.

I hope last night was the last night I will be seeing you for a while. I still care for you, but more as a friend, less as a lover. You seem younger to me now. As I get over my heart-ache, slowly but surely, and you're still stuck in yours.

My heart will always hold a special place for you. The boy with who I found mutual comfort with, funny, charming, interesting, crazy, and not ready to move on.

Maybe in a couple months when this relationship with boy2 ends (as it surely must) with renewed heart-ache we can get together again. But in the meantime, I left your stuff at your place this morning and took mine with me.

Goodbye (at least for a little while),
Kim

PS. That was dramatic and sappy enough to be in Twilight!!

The pitfalls of sites like OKCupid

This week has been hectic and exhausting and I wanted to write about something other then dating, but I just can't yet because I haven't had the time to write!

So, first things first. The #3 Date, with the guy there was no spark with and I didn't know if I had to/should do anything about it... a friend advised that I didn't have to really say anything as long as we both let it go. He sent me a message apologizing for a crappy 1st date (really? it wasn't his fault... how much of a push-over can you be?) and asking for a second chance. Nope. Don't wanna go on a second date, don't have to. But.... if I don't respond with anything now, that's a total b*tch move right? The girl that went on one date with him and never talked to him again?

Ok, just got to suck it up buttercup and reply saying "No thank you, you're very nice, but you're not for me." (Eugh! That sucks!! Any eloquent words that will not sound so crappy? No? Thanks for trying.)

Secondly. There was this guy on OkCupid, I thought he was decent looking, and we seemed really compatible, unfortunately he was leaving for vacation, so we agreed to meet after Christmas. I didn't get onto OkCupid for a couple days because I've been crazy busy. I have like 20 messages from this guy.... None of them creepy, ok one of them creepy, asking what he "did wrong?", but the rest fairly decent, except I haven't replied so it's like he's talking to himself... I am getting a super creepy vibe from this and I feel bad because it's possible he's just really interested.

Oh, also, apparently he found my facebook. My facebook is really hard to find as my name is so generic, so I find this creepy too. He hasn't asked to friend me, he's just found me and apparently some of my pics are viewable? (I really didn't think this was the case, maybe he's got me mixed up with some other girl, I'm pretty sure I don't have any bikini pics up anyway.) Ok, I was on the fence about this, but the more I talk about it, the more creeped out I am, so yeah, I'm going to block him. I shouldn't feel guilty about this right??

Ok, gtg. Yay for Christmas parties!! (There's so many of them this time of year!)

Date 2- finally?

So, I didn't get to update you on Date 2 yet. That's because I've been so exhausted.

So I went to the shrink on Monday. She ordered an extra session because I was so upset the previous week. But I was feeling pretty good this week. We talked about some of my mother issues. A lot of stuff stems from her, but I'm guessing even the most dense of my readers could have figured that out. I think I've mentioned that I haven't really talked to her for almost a year now. However, I also feel the need to point out the irony of a shrink wanting to talk about my mother issues. It's almost as bad as the couch right? :D
So anyways, I had my 2nd date after my shrinking. We met up at the bar where we had met the first time. We had a great time, conversation was flowing. He's still cute. He's still dorky. I got extra drunk. (omg, it's totally not fair that 4 beers gets me trashed.) Though I'm pretty sure he didn't notice. I've been told I maintain well.

We made out by my car for a little while. He told me full disclosure that he had just gotten out of a long relationship (5 years). I told him I understood and I wasn't looking for anything serious, and I meant it. I like making out with him, probably more when I'm drunk then when I'm sober. And I like talking and hanging out with him, but I don't want really anything more from him. He's leaving town for Christmas this weekend, he said he'd call when he got back. I said cool.

Once again, I'm ok if he never calls again. I had fun. If I see him again though, I might have to start calling him boy3. ;)

Then I drove home drunk (I know, I'm not proud of this. Even if it is literally a 2 minute drive, I should've walked home and gotten my car the next day. >.<)  It was cold out and he didn't notice I was drunk enough to protest. So, parallel parking was really hard when I got home, but I succeeded and proceeded to call Boy2, who was sweet as normal and making fun of me for going out on a Monday night and getting drunk off 4 beers. Not just drunk, plowed.

It was almost midnight at this point, when I crawled into my bed and passed out after drinking a bottle of water. Only a little bit of a hangover the next day. But I'm exhausted. It's Thursday (it took me a long time to write this) and I am still tired from Monday night.

My life is exhausting recently.

The Weekend of Dates: Dates 2 & 3

Date 2: Didn't happen yet! lol. The guy from the bar cancelled saying he had to work last minute and asking if we could meet up at D's again on Monday. I said sure. I'm cool with this, I'd rather it be more casual anyway. :P

Date 3: I just got back from it. The guy was really nice, there was just no spark at all. I could tell he was one of those guys who would bend over backwards and do anything I want. Which I, unfortunately, find very unattractive. I like some backbone in a guy.

Plus, I kept thinking about boy2. How much more fun I'd be having if I was on a date with him. Wondering how he was doing (since he was planning on drinking heavily last night with an old buddy and not planning on calling me until later today). Thinking about how much more I liked boy2 then this new guy.

Yep, not seeing new guy again.

I'm a little worried that I might be leaning more towards the big L word with boy2.... and I really don't think I'm ready for that. So are you ready for some awesome denial? Cause here it comes.

Reasons I can't be the big L word with boy2:

• I'm still not a huge fan of sex with him! (The shrink promises this is trainable, but I have serious doubts) It's not that I'm not sexually attracted to him. I get all tingly when we kiss. But sex with him is boring and unimaginative. I get off, but it's the same way every-time. Also, I don't feel like he enjoys sex with me all that much. :(
• He has an epic temper. It's never been directed at me, but I saw it in action a week ago, and it's something.
• He makes me feel nerdy. Ok, this one's hard to describe. It's really that sometimes he makes me feel self-conscious about being nerdy. I don't know if this is really him though or I'm projecting. Apparently I do this a lot. If I don't know exactly how a person will respond, I assume a bad trait from my ex. >.<;; Can't help it. I can't even tell when I'm doing it most the time.
• I still text with boy1. Though it's become less and less and I haven't slept with him for a couple weeks now. I still think boy1 is the best sex I've ever had and sometimes think about having sex with him. But there's usually a reason not to. I'm tired or there's something else to do, or I just don't want to. Sometimes I think about boy2 and just don't want to.
• Boy2 is adamantly against cruises. I love cruises!!! (He thinks he would be seasick.) Though I thought he was against traveling with me, but the other night he said he would go to the Great Barrier Reef with me when I wistfully stated I really wanted to go there. He's still really against cruises though. I wonder if I could coax him onto a 3 day cruise with me to prove that you can't feel the boat move...
• I worry that boy2 will not get along well with my friends. I have a wide variety of friends and they are my family. I won't tolerate someone being an asshole to any of them.
• He's a lot better at hinting and taking hints than I am. This isn't really a detriment except that I feel he might be getting totally different signals from me then I think I'm giving because I miss his hints. I am not good at picking up hints. Please just tell me what you want!

Definitely not the big L word. Definitely.

The Weekend of dates: Date 1

You know, I just really really like boy2 when I'm with him. I had a great time last night. We went to Outback Steakhouse (I had a gift-card from this professional society Christmas gift thing, free dinner, woot!), then we went and got a couple beers at some local bars.

Pretty standard date. But great conversation with a little kissing. A lot of kissing at the end of the night.

It doesn't stop the fact that I want to see other people. And if I want to see other people... he can't be the one.

Quick! Before the weekend starts!

Get in a blog post!

So the guy from Monday night at the bar called. I have a date with him tomorrow. Crazy! Doing what I have no idea. He's calling after he gets off work at 1pm. :)

Tonight, I have a date with boy2. We're going to Outback Steakhouse.

Sunday, I have a date with a guy I met on OKCupid. We're going to lunch for Japanese/Chinese, something.

I've been talking with another guy on OKCupid who I will be meeting after Christmas (he goes on vacation on Monday and won't be back till Christmas).

I'm still occasionally texting/seeing boy1.

In case you can't count, that's 5 boys. At the same time.

I just... my brain feels stopped. This is a lot of juggling I'm taking on. I feel like things are going to get complicated quickly. I should probably start narrowing down the field a little, right? Meh, I'll just go with the shrink's advice and let things flow. Try not to worry about it.

Deep Breath. In and Out.

*doing a little jig* I'm a playa!

Update 12-7-11

Wooo. A lot has happened in the last couple of days. When I wrote the "Random" post I was drunk. 3 beers and a make-out session later. Prompted by a devastating visit to the shrink. I say devastating just because that's how I feel emotionally when she gets done with me. Better, more stable, more able to take on the world, but devastated. It's probably because she can always make me cry when I need to. If you remember a couple posts back I was having problems with that. Well, I got that out of the way as of Monday!

But yeah, so after the cry fest, and deciding that I needed to see her again next week as opposed to waiting 2 weeks, I needed a beer and some dinner. I got both sitting next to a cute guy. We started talking and hit it off. A little. Ok, I kinda just wanted to see what it was like to pick a guy up at the bar. ;) He hasn't called and I'm cool with that. But it really did remind me that I wanted to date.

I had a revelation the other day. I realized that I can trust a guy to love me, but it's going to be a lot of work to believe that he will continue to love me. Yeah.... that sucks. That I'll always be wondering when a guy will want to leave me. Will I ever feel secure enough to get married again? I'd like to think so. Hopefully, this is just for now....

So, even though boy2 and I are good again, seemingly. I got onto OkCupid for the fun of it. Wow, the response was overwhelming. I like being told how pretty I am and awesome and all that stuff, but it means there's a lot to wade through as far as choice right now. Seriously, am I complaining that I have my choice of boys to date? Yes I am, it's a lot of reading! Besides, I like reading the personality question things and that takes a looong time.

Do I plan on dating another person? I think so. Boy2 hasn't asked for any kind of commitment. What will I do when that first conflict happens? Will I tell boy2 that I've got a date? I think I would have to... I don't want to lie to him (*cough* any more then I have via omission). Yeah, I feel really weird about it, but the shrink keeps telling me it's his own fault for not asking me to commit.

So now it's Wednesday, I don't have plans for tonight. Tomorrow is boy2's b-day, I might or might not have plans with him. If I don't, I have a Christmas Party to go to. :) So what am I going to do tonight? Maybe I'll get to watch Serenity like I've been meaning to. (Nope never seen it! Can't wait!)

Random

I just made out (nothing more, yay Kim for self restraint!) with a guy I met at a bar. Dammit, my go-to bar after shrinking too. He seems cool. My age. A little short. Damn. I really wish he were taller. :P I gave him my #... why did I do that??

*facepalm* More updates tomorrow or whenever he contacts me. If he does. I'm ok with not.

Another Update: after much spillage to the shrink and a little apologizing from boy2, I am still seeing boy2. More updates later about that too!

I am not excited about how complicated my life is right now.

Btw, good post Eates! I can't say I hope you keep it up b/c that would mean you were still going through a lot of angst and hurt, but yeah, hope you feel better soon!

My Final Letter to *you*

This is my final conclusion... this is what I have determined... I’m not crazy, I really am not. You see, my job was to find control failures, determine the cause, then provide solutions. That’s what I do, that’s how I work. So I can’t let go, I can’t let go until I provide my ‘report.’  With the lack of closure you’ve given me, I’ve had to do it on my own... This is what I have determined.. This is a way for me to, hopefully, move on from you.

I’m still calling bull shit on the fact that I sarcastic and non-seriousness and you couldn’t handle that. I am very light hearted most of the time, true, but not always. What I believe is really the problem, the fact you’ve never been with and strong and independent woman before.  This may come off mean or rude, but I honestly believe that I made you analyze yourself because I was the first one to stand up to you. I might have intimidated you. You might not have realized that is what is happening, but I don’t think you are as confident as you perceive yourself to be.  Instead of having a conversation about it and working with me, you walked away. Which still baffles my mind.  I also believe that being in a relationship with me might make you nervous.  Look at the people you surround yourself with. They need something from you. You fulfill a need for them and you know your place in their life.  Look at where you were in my life, you weren’t needed, you were wanted. You. Were. Wanted.   Wouldn’t you rather be wanted than needed? Isn’t that what you told me?  But back to the original point of your insecurities, I believe that was the root of our issues. I know I’m secure in myself, which when you would make comments, they wouldn’t bother me.  However, I can see now, how they affected you. I wish I wouldn’t have believed you were so secure with yourself. When talking with a friend the other day about this issue, I explained to her that if I had a problem with one of your qualities that I would have a. discussed it with you b. not even brought it up.  I thought I had explained that to you. But you obviously didn’t believe me. She agreed, she agreed that it is exactly how I am, because I’m not one to try to make people uncomfortable.  I think you were ridiculous.

Maybe what hurts me the most in this whole situation is knowing that you don’t even miss me. That you don’t even care.  When you’ve obviously meant something to me.  

There is a part of me that is sad for you. It’s sad because you don’t even realize what you are missing out because you never gave it a chance.  You judged me before you got to know me. What also hurts a bit is that you were the one who always said you hated when people brought past relationships into the present. Is that not what you did? Didn’t you Judge me? Didn’t you assume that I was the same as the others? I expected more from you. I did. I just hope that you can look at what happened between us and learn from it. If you don’t realize your faults, you’ll never find what you are looking for.  You will never find your happiness. That is sad to me.

What I’ve learned from this. I learned that I’m a woman that is going to take a strong and confident man to love me. I learned that I can love again and that I do want to marry someone again.  I learned that every time I date a guy, I keep choosing a guy closer and closer to who I want to be with. I learned that I am a woman worth being with, even if you don’t agree. I learned that I cannot wait to meet the guy for me, because I know the best days of my life have not even happened yet.   

BTW - Can I have my lady bug back that I left in your truck?

Thanks,
A damn good woman


P.S. My favorite quote:
It’s not okay that you hurt me, but I am okay. I deserve more, and I know that now. And maybe you knew that inside, that you couldn’t give me that yet. So you set me free. We would’ve been so great, you would never have wished for more than I would’ve given you. But you never gave it a chance. So now you’ll never know what could’ve been. Maybe someday you’ll regret it, maybe someday you’ll think it was the best decision you ever made, but maybe someday you’ll see me walking, smiling and happy, alongside someone who’s also smiling and happy because he has my heart. Maybe then you’ll stop and realize what you’re missing, because someday, someone is going to thank you for letting me go…

TwoXChromosomes

Seriously, how have I never known about this subreddit? It is all my feminist wants and needs in one happy place!

Gogogo!

Just sad...

I don't get why, if I wanted to break up with him, I'm so sad he hasn't called today? Dating is confusing. On one hand, I'll be happy to get back on Match.com and give it a look/see. On the other hand, I had a lot of good times with boy2, I'm sad that one fight seems to have killed his motivation to see me. Guess he wasn't that interested in the first place.

So, back to dating. Part of me thinks maybe I should take a break till after Christmas? I can get just sex if I want it, I'm not worried about that. :P But I like the things other than sex too. Plus, despite recent progress, I still feel really needy on the emotional end of things. It's just nice to have a guy pursue you.

Sticking to my guns...

(11:21pm Sunday)
I think I got two metaphors mixed up there... Still.

I am angry. I will not give in and text or call him. I want an apology. He was a dick to me.

He was half asleep... Might not even remember being a dick, or why I'm pissed at him.

Still, he knows I'm pissed at him. Why do guys always think it's a good idea to leave a girl alone when she's pissed? Maybe for a little while, after that I want to be pursued, apologized to and hugged. Hell, it probably wouldn't have gotten to the pissed stage if I had received a hug and a sorry almost immediately...

Maybe I could just text him "hey..." let him know I'm open to a coversation if he'd like to start apologizing.
But if I do that I lose all my power right?

Why am I even worried about it? I said I wanted to break up with him. This fight is as good of an opportunity as any. Is it just because I hate conflict this much? Maybe it's just that I want to make it clear why I'm pissed. Maybe I actually like him more then I've been willing to admit.

Dammit no, the sex still isn't that good. I want to date other guys, but I like having him around too. That's not fair.

I want him to want to contact me. So I can tell him he's a dick and he can apologize and then what? Grrr...
What if he didn't apologize? That would be bullsh*t and I wouldn't stand for it right? right?

I thought he would've called by now... (pitiful)

Update(2:41pm the Monday): I have to admit I broke down and texted him. Still I feel like my text was borderline. "Hey... you can call me if you want."

He did call about 20 minutes later. It wasn't the best conversation. With him telling me he wasn't going to change and me telling him I didn't care if he changed, but it didn't mean he could treat me like crap either... Yeah... He said he'd text me in the morning. No text. So if I don't hear from him today can I assume we're not dating anymore? Or do I have to actually say the words?

I don't know...

I don't know what to do with "our" stuff if it's not generic. For example, the Christmas ornaments we were collecting together where we wrote what we were doing and why we got it.

Do I throw them away? Keep them tucked away somewhere? I know what everyone says. Do what you feel like doing. I don't know what I feel like doing though. Part of me wants to trash them. Part of me thinks I might regret trashing what are essentially reminders of happy times. Like when we cruised with friends, it wasn't just the ex and I on that cruise...

I'm exhausted. Today was unexpectedly emotional. I feel all torn up inside and my stomach is still way upset. I'm supposed to do a late dinner with boy2, and I'm not even remotely close to hungry.

I didn't expect to be too overly upset at Christmas time. It was always more my thing anyways.

New stipulation in what I want in a boy- I want him to want to participate in Christmas. You know, putting up Christmas Lights, picking out a tree, music and gift exchanging. Just like other adventures, I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him along.

Btw, I should be upset or irritated that boy2's dinner date night has been delayed so much shouldn't I? I'm really not though... Thinking about taking a nap. If I see him tonight great. If not, I'm ok with that too. I should probably break up with him since I'm so cool with this.

Exercise

I might have mentioned in the past that I started working out as a way to reduce my anxiety. I don't want to make this an exercise/progress blog, but today I feel like I should talk about it.

I joined the YMCA downstairs so I can workout at lunch time. I started going 2-3 days a week. Mainly for the Wednesday Yoga and soon upped it to 3-4 days a week. I'm now at a steady 5 days a week unless a meeting prevents me from going.

I started out on the elliptical, just upping the resistance and making my heart pound and my limbs hurt. For a little while that extra tension in my chest from all the anxiety was overwhelmed by exercise.

Now though, I'm just addicted to the feeling I get from exercising. Mainly pride in myself for completing something I've never done before. (Because each time is more than I've ever done before.) I don't do the elliptical anymore. On Mondays and Tuesdays I do Spinning (or Studio Cycling, however you want to call it), on Wednesdays and Fridays I do Yoga, and on Thursdays I do something called Bosu Blast.

I haven't lost any weight since that first month when I still wasn't eating very much. But I've gone down 2 jean sizes. :)

Now I'm having issues like not being hydrated enough, and having to eat bananas  (I don't like bananas, they make the back of my throat itch) because I keep getting massive muscle cramps.

Why did I want to talk about this? Not only because it's the hot topic on my brain at the moment (I keep getting reminded by my muscles how much I've been working out), but because if someone were to ask me what the healthiest and/or best thing that has come out of my divorce thus far, I would have to say this habit of working out. Definitely. And if anyone were to ask my advice, if they were in a similar situation and wanted my advice that is, I would tell them that working out is something that will help, they should do it.

Not only the weight loss, but the muscle strength that I'm building makes me feel more confident. More like me. I never knew that exercise would make me happy. In fact, in the past, I've been known to say I would never work out that I hated it and I especially hated running. (I still do hate running actually. Where are you running to? No where! Make fun of my cycling will ya?... :P)

And Yoga brings a peace to my mind that I can experience in no other way right now (except maybe sex).

So, today, every single muscle hurts... but in the future I will be stronger, more flexible, and toned. And I'm so ridiculously proud that I can touch my toes!

A Happy Post

I'm determined to write one, since I always write when I'm introspective or sad.

Today, I got plenty of sleep. Last night, I finally put all those CD's I bought a month ago onto my iPod and made a Snowboarding playlist, in anticipation of awesomeness.I just realized that awesomeness is a real word and not something I made up, because spell-checker works on it. I made a lot of progress on work yesterday. Today is the AWMI Holiday Party/Happy Hour, in which they're paying for cocktails! (I love it when I don't have to pay for alcohol.)

Ok, I just googled AWMI to make sure if you were interested you could easily find out what that acronym meant. And the first thing that came up was Andrew Wommack Ministries. Let me assure you that I am talking about the second one down Association of Women in Metal Industries.

Note: If I use an acronym and don't explain it, it's because I've Googled it to make sure it's easily find-able for interested parties. That way the rest of you can ignore it if you want. BTW, Googled is apparently not a word. I'm going to continue to use it though, because if I say "searched" you'll be under the impression you can use Yahoo or Ask.com or any old search engine and it will be fine. It won't. Use Google always folks. Your search results depend on it.

It's Thursday, so close to the weekend. Tomorrow, there's a Happy Hour with good friends at the Rivertowne Pourhouse. (That place is awesome!!! Great Beer, good food. Very cozy.) Saturday, BFF, her not-bf, and I are going Christmas Tree hunting. Saturday evening, boy2 is apparently making me dinner. Sunday, BFF and I are making Christmas crafts! (Ooooo, I love being crafty!)

So, in general, I am happy today. Not very productive thus far, but happy.

Like I said, there are good and bad days. The emotional scale has been up and down. Which is why I sometimes (ok a lot) feel crazy. I'm not used to all these ups and downs. Still, the shrink promises I'm not crazy for reals.

The problem with holding stuff in....

is sometimes it bursts out all at once. That's what everyone warns you about at least.

Another side effect I've noticed is that sometimes you want to let it out. Like late at night when you can't sleep because of the vicious circular thoughts going through your brain and you know if you could just cry it would lance some of the poison. But you can't cry. You've gotten so used to holding it all in, that no matter how much it hurts you can't get those tears to start and you just lie there, sick with disgust for yourself and fear that you won't be able to cry ever again.

If you stay up long enough, you can cry from exhaustion if nothing else. But it's not the satisfying, soul cleansing cry you need.

There are bad days and there are good days. This happens to be a bad day (which is why I'm writing!). With little to no sleep, stressed out about work, I overslept through 3 alarms, and barely made it in time for an all morning Ethics meeting, with no breakfast or coffee in me.

When I got an email asking for a progress update, I basically responded with a FOAD, (without the curse words). Luckily, I CCed my boss who had been complaining about this same issue and he backed me up! Yay for a good boss!

Nonetheless, it's the end of another day, and I really need that cry. That and some sleep. And a hug, I'd really like a hug. What do I have to do to get a goddamn hug around here?

My letter to *you*

To The Boy Who Will Never Read This,

I’m not sure what really happened the last week.  Maybe I was living in a bubble of happiness and idealism or maybe I choose not to see what was right in front of me.  For the first time, in many years, I was truly happy.  I recognized we had our differences, but I enjoyed them. I liked being exposed to a different way of life.  You got me to feel alive again. Being with you, let me forget the pain that the others have left behind.  It was you I was convinced that I would grow old with.  But I was sadly mistaken.  The more I liked you, the more nervous I got, which made me become distant. I thought I had communicated that to you, but I now realize I wasn’t clear enough.  I wanted so badly to talk about these issues, but it seemed since we returned from out trip neither of us had particularly good weeks.  I get that, I respect that, which is why I did not bring this subject up. That is what I regret. I was hoping to discuss it further with you the day after Thanksgiving, when we would be spending time together. However, I’m not sure what happened in the 5 days since I had last seen you, but I never got that chance.   The last images I have are you looking me in the eyes and smiling kissing me goodbye… I didn’t realize that would be the last time…  That is the image that will forever be attached to you.

This is what I wanted to say… this is what I wanted you to hear….

I have built up huge walls around me. I didn’t build them to keep people out, but to see how much a person liked me to climb over them.  I did it to protect myself. See, what you might not realize is as though I look like a hard ass on the outside, I’m an extremely emotional person on the inside.  I don’t let just anybody get close to me. I have in the past and each time I finally gave my trust to the person my world was pulled out from underneath me. I'm not sure if you remember that night in Texas, when I told you about how many people have died from my family or friends... Each one of those deaths affected me. Everytime I went through that process, I built that wall up a little higher at the time, because let's be honest... going to 24 funerals is a lot for anyone...  So my protection is to keep people at a distance until I feel comfortable enough to let you in. I wanted to let you see the gentle side of me… to let you see the emotional side of me. When I fall for someone, I tend to give way to much, I love way to deep and I give that person 110% of myself.  And so being vulnerable isn’t something that comes easy to me.  When I let people in, they get all of me, which is scary, I know it's ridiculous, but I’m working on that.  I realize that I care far too much than I should with you. I’m not going to make excuses for that, because it’s what makes me who I am.  I wanted you to see that. I wanted you to see how much I cared for you, but I was afraid. No one has ever made me feel the way I did with you.  For the first time since the Big D, I finally thought to myself, ‘This is it. He’s the one I want to marry. He’s the one I want to grow old with, to have children with. He’s perfect for me.’  I really thought you were. I was able to be myself, my hot mess of a self, you respected my friendships with the guys, and you treated me kindly.  Truth be told, you do intimidate me. You intimidate the hell out of me. I had created a 'mental list' of things I wanted in a partner and they were all over the place, because I didn't want someone to match them. You did. You matched everything I wanted. They commonly say ' you never know what you are missing until you've found it.' I completely agree. I loved the fact that you smelled amazing. I loved the fact that you took a lot of pride in your appearance. I loved the fact that you had high standards.  I even loved it when you would call me "Snooks."  But I couldn't tell you this. I couldn't let you know... and the only part that I couldn't give you, was the part that you needed to see.  That is what I regret.  I regret not putting it out there, not letting you know how I truly felt. I wanted to protect myself, but in the end, I just ended up hurting myself.  

As I think about how everything transpired, I just sit confused.  Confused over the real reason we aren’t together, why we aren’t trying to work on this.  You aren’t the asshole that you try to be, I know that. I also recognize the immense amount of stress you have been under since we got back from our trip. You have been pulled in so many directions, that I’m sure I didn’t help the situation.  I realize that letting me go was the easy option you had.  I was one less than you had to worry about… make time for..

I liked you. I liked you so much.  I wanted to work on it. You mentioned our personality differences, but I don’t see that as a reason, I see it as an excuse. I want to know the real reason. I want to at least be worth the truth from you. I want to know why after we broke up that night you texted me to ‘have a good night.’(Enter Crazy) I just want to know. I can’t forget Texas and the amazing time we had.  I can’t forget the last few times we were together and you would reach out for my hand.  Was it all a lie? Is it the commitment you can't do right now? Was there another who has your heart?

If you haven’t figured out, I was more than just smitten with you… because I was… what I felt, finally falling in love with a man. And not the the school-girl-crush love. No, this was something much greater, this was the I-am-going-accept-everything-about-you-love-and-never-want-to-live-without-you-love.  This was for good, in my head. 

I think it’s ironic that the last movie we watch together had this line… ‘‘No, this wasn't an easy one, but the foundation was good, I'll say that. And if that's okay, then everything else can be fixed.” I believe we had a good foundation. We respected each other, we laughed a whole lot. We clicked and everything just seemed so natural, so real. We could have been so great. 

At the end, all I want is the truth. I want to be worth enough to you, to have the truth. Because I’m not the type to walk away without trying. I didn’t figure you for that either.  I know what I want and I want a future with you. I don’t want your money, I don’t care what you can ‘do for me’ I want you because I like you, because you make me laugh like no one else, you call my out when you know I'm lying, because you challenge me to analyze my life, and because when I look you in the eyes the world feels like it’s stopped and no one else is around. So if you want it, if you want to try, I'd be more than excited. But remember, you take me as I am, you take this sometimes crazy emotional person. I'm working on it, I'm working on improving myself. I realize my faults, I realize my downfalls. I just need someone who realizes that I'm worth putting up with those faults because those are minor imperfections are worth it to have me at my best. Marilyn Monroe said it best... 'I'm selfish,  impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.'

I’m not mad, bitter, angry, or hateful. I’m just sad. Plain and simple, I’m sad. So please, tell me truth. Tell me the true reason why I’m not going to get a phone call from you tonight.  When it comes right down to it, I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else. I only wish you felt the same way.

Sincerely,

Shamlessly in love

P.S. Thanks Dear for letting me get this out there. I owe you a beer (or 2)!

This is my friend...

This is my friend. She had a tough time with a boy she really liked recently. In a rare moment of uber-generosity, I offered to let her do some writing here today. So welcome her with open arms. :)

On being a nerd...

I grew up nerdy. I read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy. I read a lot, period. I loved my Dad's book from National Geographic called, "The Universe". I wore glasses. I was teased a lot. I started out as an extremely outgoing little girl, but the longer I was in school the shyer and more introverted I became. I figured the quieter I was the less I would be teased about my "weird" ideas. I was the type of girls that liked to ask uncomfortable questions, like the sophist classic "What if I'm the only real person here? That would mean you're a figment of my imagination." These questions don't make 7 year old's like you.

My quietness, by the time I reached High School, had started to come off as bitchiness. I didn't know how to respond when guys flirted with me, it felt a lot like being teased. I was too smart for a lot of my public school classes, so I read books during the class and did my homework when I got it in the rest of class. I was a child that would have welcomed extra classes after school, but my parents were never the kind to push for that type of thing, and I didn't know it existed to ask.

By my Junior year of high school. I had made a firm group of friends, of which I was the least weird. Their weirdness fascinated me. I was introduced to anime, video games (Super Mario doesn't count, this was true RPG gaming for the Playstation), the Renaissance festival, drama, technical theatre, and DnD. Most of these friends were older than me. My best friend was my age, and that was about it. I probably won't be going to my high school reunion, only because I wouldn't get to see this group, so what's the point?

I was editor of the Literary Magazine, easily in honor societies that required attendance, I didn't bother attending. I was in Chamber Choir and whatever the big choir was called, and I was taking vocal lessons to perform solo and in small ensembles. I was the sound guru/Stage Manager for the Technical Theatre group. I easily earned my "letters" in Drama and Choir, but never bothered to buy a letterman jacket. The summer before, I worked at the local Renaissance Festival as a street performer. Pretty costume and lots of fun!

When I went to college, I knew that I loved all that geeky stuff. On top of that I loved gadgets and gizmos and I wanted to major in Computer Science (not realizing that computer science majors don't typically get to write video games). I was beginning to be comfortable with myself. I went off to my nerdy college (seriously, I picked the nerdiest college I could find. Specializing in Engineering, the guy/girl ratio was 4/1 my freshman year. In my senior year it had become normal to be the only girl in a class of 30+, I didn't even notice it anymore.), resolved to show and act with more confidence. Btw, like most college students, I changed my mind on what I wanted to major in, I ended up with a degree in Engineering Management.

I had dated 4 guys at this point, only 1 "long term" of 6 months, the others for a month or less at a time. I had spent my summer outside working at the local amusement park, so I was tanner then I had ever been (or ever will be again, I'm sure) even though it was a farmers tan. I had dated 3 of those 4 guys that summer. Been flirted with, told I was cute. I was feeling very confident that I was going to a college of like-minded individuals whom I would form intellectual, and hopefully some physical (boys!!) connections with.

I joined one of the 3 Sororities on campus (compare to the 21 Fraternities on campus), and found a group of sisters who shared my interest in all things nerdy. ***For those few of you that I gave this link to, I just want to plug an I love you and AOT!*** Further expanding my nerdiness by exploring things like DDR, Diablo II, Final Fantasy, Knitting, DM (Dungeon Master) for DnD, I also learned about my less nerdy side. I like to dress up and be girly. Turns out I have a talent for chugging beer, though not the tolerance to back it up. I became the President of my Sorority for 1.5 terms (it's a long story). I also had no qualms about winning pie-eating contests (I'm not fat, so why would I be self-conscious about it?), or participating in "couch-burnings" - it was southern Missouri.

Afterwards, I realized that despite being in a sorority, guys had influenced my tastes and opinions in video games, TV shows, movies and porn (yep porn), way more than my sorority sisters had. I like a lot of "dude" things. I can quote Super Troopers and Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Out Cold. I have an opinion on different types of porn (I really do. I think most porn is funny, not so much a turn on. So if I'm going to watch a porn, I prefer it to be as 70's-esque as possible, with big mustaches and bigger bushes. Sorry, while I very much enjoy having sex myself, I think watching other people have sex is just funny.) I don't like first-person shooter games, they make me nauseous (it's the first person view) not to mention that I just don't have the reaction time required to be good at them. I hate sports games because I don't get sports, the appeal, and from lack of reaction time as stated above. I love RPG's, a good cinematic will get me everytime. For a while in college, my nickname was Neverwinter Nights because I played it constantly until I won it and then started over again. I've developed a deep and abiding love for an MMO. I can have a sustained conversation about raiding in WoW and have opinions.

I still love to read, especially Science Fiction and Fantasy novels, I'm always looking for a good author. I'm currently reading:  "Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Before that I read a vampire novel and before that I was re-reading a romance novel. I can give you my theory on how the Zombie Apocolypse will happen, and I own a 22 rifle, though I've never been hunting and I have no desire to. I also have a great fondness for the idea of dragons and fairies, knights in shining armor and pirates. This is why I still love a good Renaissance Festival (I'm a Renn Faire snob, btw, critical of shows, crafts and the size. For example, I'll go to the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival if that's my only choice, but I much prefer a bigger festival that draws better shows). I've always thought joining the SCA would be fun, and that I can understand why people LARP and though I have no motivation to do it on my own, could probably be convinced if someone wanted to take the time to persuade me. I love that scene from The Labyrinth where she's dressed up in the park reciting poetry, I can totally understand the urge on a beautiful spring day. I've never done it, but I understand it.

In other words, I am a super-geek. I keep it pretty well hidden in my normal life. With it emerging occasionally in conversation when I figure out that the other person would be amenable to such a topic. But most of the time it's under wraps. I've been told that I still let that left-over shyness from high-school take over occasionally (This is how that conversation tends to go [scene: getting drunk with good girl-friend at a bar] "I totally thought you were a bitch when I first met you, but I was wrong! You're the sweetest girl ever!" Me, concerned: "Why did you think I was a bitch?" "You were just so quiet, you wouldn't talk back to me when I talked to you!" "Oh, I was just shy." "I know that now!!" [also, I feel devastated every time I have this conversation, wondering who else I've been a bitch to. And I know this isn't just one person, I have had this conversation multiple, multiple times]).

I try to not do this when I first start dating a guy, but I do. I clam up. It feels physically impossible to talk sometimes, like there's something in my throat stopping me. Heck, the last time I went on a first date, I apologized because I couldn't make eye-contact. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder if I don't just want to have sex on the first date just so I can loosen up and relax.

Sigh, I try to let boys who I'm interested in dating know that deep down inside I'm really really geeky, but they don't really understand until much later into it. And I just want a cute boy who will geek out with me. Maybe convince me that LARPing would totally be worth the risk of ridicule. Ok, maybe not. I'm kindof clumsy, I might loose an eye trying to do that.

10 minutes...

I'm done with all the work I'm going to get done on this, the day before Turkey day. (hahahaha, sorry)

I'm feeling a little slap happy and decided I wanted to write. But I don't have a topic in mind and I only have 10 minutes before I leave to catch my bus. I would like to say to freedom, but I will probably be working this weekend..... or not, I don't think anyone else is. We'll see how much alcohol it takes to convince me that I don't need to work this weekend.

I haven't talked to boy1 for days. I find that except for the occasional pang, of genuine missing him, I'm ok with this. I'm seeing boy2 tonight, I'm excited about that. I like him more and more everyday, but when I stand back and evaluate, I'm still not in love and I don't want to settle this time around, I saw what happened last time. So why when I with him do I feel absolutely thrilled?

I have to say he's just fulfilling a lot of needs right now. Will I be able to stand strong and be honest if he starts pushing for more? That I don't want to be in more of a relationship with him? The shrink and other friends have convinced me that it's alright to ride things out as long as I want to.

What am I going to say if he says I love you? Part of me loves parts of him. And I say I love you to friends all the time. In fact, it's taken pure will power alone not to say "love you!" as part of my good-bye to him. I don't want to give him the wrong impression by accident.

I told boy1 I loved him, after he said it to me, I felt pressured. And I did/do love parts of him too. Like the sex. ;) lol. Ok and some other things. But still, I'm really working on not saying it inappropriately.

Oops, 10 minutes is up. Till next time! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Nightmares, part 2

I kept trying to fall back to sleep and I did for another 20 minutes. This time I had a dream about the house I own with the Ex.

It wasn't really a nightmare, just picturing and remembering all the hopes I had for that house. I wanted to have babies there. Maybe not live there forever, but start our lives there.

And now it stands empty, with the ghosts of unborn children and a future that will never happen. Children I might never be able to have. This is one of my biggest fears. We tried to have a baby for over a year before he told me he had "changed his mind" and didn't want to have babies right now after all. (That would make sense btw, if I had been the one to suggest we try having children. I wasn't, it was his idea.)

Right before we went to Korea, we had been trying for almost a year, I convinced a doctor to sign us up for some tests. For those of you that don't know, there's really only 1 test for a guy, and about a million for a girl. He passed his test, and I took 3 (out of those million) and passed mine.

It wasn't like we weren't having sex. We were having it frequently, not with a lot of enthusiasm, but frequently.

I want to have children someday, and the idea that I possibly can't makes me super upset. I know, I've heard all the platitudes about how I'm worrying about nothing, etc, etc. It doesn't help that, despite being grateful that I don't have a baby going through this divorce, I feel like my lack of conception might have contributed to the inevitable dissolution of our marriage.

I know this is stupid in this day and age, but I feel useless as a woman if I can't conceive. Like I've lost a part of my purpose in life if I can never experience pregnancy and birth. Sure, I can adopt, it's not the same. What guy wants a girl who might not be able to give him a family?

And as a side note, I'm jealous of all my friends with babies. To the point that sometimes I'm repulsed by their child. Holding their adorable bundle of joy is like a stab in the heart. No offense friends with children who might read this, your child is adorable and wonderful. It just hurts to be around them and your happy family sometimes.

Someday, I know, I'll have a family of my own, and I won't be like my mother, and I'll probably be able to conceive and give birth to my own child. But for now, I have doubts. My shrink told me last night that I live in my own head a lot. I've never before considered that, maybe I do. Don't reassure me, I won't believe you. Or rather, I'll believe you, but I won't stop worrying about it. Turning it over in my head, mulling about it, contemplating...

Nightmares, part 1

Last night I had nightmares. Everything was good. I was perfectly happy to get woken up by boy2 to say goodnight. (seriously, I love that) I fell back to sleep almost immediately.

I woke up 30 minutes later because I had a nightmare about seeing my Dad for the last time. Update: My Dad died about 3 years ago.

I remembered how horrified I was that he was so fragile. My strong, stoic father, who barely touched us, much less told us he loved us. Telling me he loved me and he was proud of me from a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes. My father, who I wanted so much to be like, smart, proud and in-charge. Reduced to a broken hip and twitchy muscles so he couldn't even focus his eyes. All because of the randomness of kidney disease and a virus caught because his immune system was being suppressed to save that new kidney he had just gotten the year before, that they couldn't cure in time.

I was so angry... still am I guess, when my mother kept pressuring him for a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate). I wanted to scream, he's 58! Why won't you give him a chance to fight!? He didn't want to sign at first and she kept pressuring him.

I don't think my mother killed my father, but I don't think she gave him much of a chance either. I think she killed his will to live. Who wants to live when your spouse is basically saying you're not worth taking care of? And she wondered why, after my father died, I couldn't talk to her about missing him. She wanted to sob to me on the phone about how lonely and sad she was that he was gone, and I was suppressing not yelling at her. Maybe if she hadn't pressured him for the DNR he'd still be here today! I couldn't tell my mother that, but I couldn't stand talking to her either.

She kept pointing out how much I was like him, that I didn't want to talk about my emotions. All I wanted was to not talk about them with her or anyone else. It's horrible to be so angry at your own mother. Especially for something you know it's not completely logical to blame her for. I didn't want to talk to her about it and I didn't want to admit it out-loud to anyone I knew, for fear of being told all the logical reasons why I shouldn't blame her. I know! I've gone over them in my head a million times.

I used to try and talk with her. Comfort her, offer suggestions to make her happy. She would complain about how lonely she was, I would suggest taking a community college class, or volunteering, or joining a book club. All of which she would hem-and-haw about and in the end still not venture outside the house. I suggested therapy, she said it was too expensive. My grandparents, her parents died a year after my dad died. Things got worse. Her dog died. She said she wanted to be near me, but wouldn't come for a visit much less contemplate a move. Her and my brother (who is an alcoholic and drug addict), clung to each other, while she complained about how terrible he was and he called her a b*tch.

Everything was about her, but there was never anything new. She was stuck in a rut and refused to move on with life. I became more angry that I was being clung to. Depended on for her happiness. I tried to be the "good daughter", but I wanted to have my own life too. And talking to her all the time meant that there was no longer anything to talk about. No more safe topics.

She finally agreed on a visit, at Christmas last year. I practically had a nervous break-down before she came because I knew her history of causing drama to get attention, and my Ex's mother and sister and their family were coming too. In fact, I drank so much the week before that I probably had alcohol poisoning.

My mother stayed for 3 days and then left before Christmas because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. She then proceeded to leave me nasty voice mails, emails, and even sent a letter snail mail telling me all sorts of things that were meant to hurt. I stopped talking to her.

In the last 11 months I've talked to my mother once, to tell her I was getting a divorce. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she said to me: "I never wanted this for you..."

Last night is the first time I've ever dreamed of my father in that hospital bed. I never want to ever again.

In the back of my head

In the back of my head, I know and acknowledge a lot of things.

I know that the frequency I've been drinking is unhealthy.
I know that I'm exercising, going on dates, and having sex as a form of validation that I'm still an attractive, interesting person whom guys want to spend time with.
I know that while I'm over the Ex, I'm not over the life we were supposed to have together.
I know I'm not ready for a real relationship yet.
I have enough angst in my life right now, that I'm not too enthused about experiencing any more of it in movie or book format. (Sorry, no "Twilight" for me, BFF. Even if I didn't think it was some of the... well, I'll leave that rant out of here.)


I also know that:

While some days may be worse than others. In general, I am feeling better as time goes on.
Eventually I'll get the hang of this dating thing. And maybe even get up the courage to perform an actual break-up.
Music has become much more important to me lately, and makes me feel wonderful.
I'm getting more used to "alone time". It's not very often. An hour here and there. And then I'm anxious to be in the company of people again.
          Quick Explanation: I have never, ever been alone. I went from living with my parents, to college    dorms, to my relationship with the Ex, to living in a sorority house, to moving to Pittsburgh to be with the Ex. I've been trying to remember what it felt like in high-school to want to be alone.


While I talk with the shrink about some of this stuff, on this blog is where I really take the time to evaluate myself. Introspection and such. Everyday I feel like a different person than I was yesterday. I try to self-evaluate and learn about this new person, but some days it's too much. Some days I just have to get my work done, and then let my brain relax. Besides, I might change my mind tomorrow.

Normalcy

Recently, I discovered that other people are sometimes worried about being perceived as psycho, just like me!

I really thought I was the only one. I thought the "normal" people just wouldn't worry about it. And the truly crazy people would just ignore it. And there would be a small percentage of us slightly damaged folks who were temporarily petrified of letting the crazy take over.

Btw, I've sometimes thought it would be nice to let the crazy just take over, but I continue to hold it off with the thought that if I let it take over once, it might never let me take myself back. So I continue to hold out against it in a seemingly never ending struggle. Someday, Crazy, someday victory will be mine!

It's a relief to hear other people almost as concerned as I am about keeping the crazy in check.

Talking to a good friend (who will remain anonymous), over a couple drinks.... ok a lot of drinks, she expressed her concerns as to whether or not she was normal. She also expressed a desire to write/blog about it. Even more drinks later and some encouragement and voila! A new blog is born. So I'm going to plug her blog now. Even though it's brand new, I'm sure it will be great. :) The Exception or the Rule?

There was also a semi-serious conversation with the BFF in the kitchen a couple days ago, about how she's always reining in the jealousy. Now I thought she meant over the boyfriend she doesn't call a boyfriend (and she does, but that's not it), what she really meant was over everyone. I knew she had been getting jealous about another couple friends of hers spending a lot of time together and not enough with her... ok I've had these moments, I know where she's coming from. But she meant that, and apparently other people talking to me at the bar besides her. lol.

God, I love you girl. Your reluctance to join into group outings now makes even more sense, on top of your old lady tendencies! Don't worry, we'll reserve me and BFF only time in the future.

Anyway, we had an interesting conversation after that about how she's always trying to hide how jealous she gets of her friends and the boy she refuses to call a boyfriend. Good news, hun, I never would've guessed. :)

Is it strange that I find comfort in other people's deep seeded issues? That I feel more normal, more stable, just knowing other people out there have their moments too? (I'm pretty sure this is why boy1 is still so appealing to me, I'll never be as messed up as he is.) I know I feel guilty rejoicing in their stress and anxiety. But not guilty enough to stop. So fill me up with your stress and misery stories, they make me feel good!

Oh God that's weird. Back to stressing out about my own crazies again.

Slap Happy

I had a topic in mind for today, but I'm feeling Slap Happy and can't concentrate.

For those of you who might not know... being slap happy is when you feel so overwhelmed by everything that you cross that line into not caring nearly as much and thinking everything is friggin hilarious. This might also be called hysterics by some. I prefer slap happy.

So things that are making me giggle like a little girl at my desk when I should be working on a million things that are overdue:

Ok, I put this one into my work signature... and then decided it's not really work appropriate. 

I set this one as my computer background! It's so epic!!

Oh Snap!!

Some of you might recognize this from a certain Tosh.0 episode.

I might write about more serious stuff later today, but for now... Enjoy!

Background Change

Just writing to announce that I changed my background and theme. :D

Lucky you!!!

On another note. I saw boy2 last night... I did not break up with him (or even tell him I wanted to see other people). I really suck at this.

I just have a good time when I'm with him and don't want to worry about serious talk. It's like I'm on an emotional high though. Because I get pretty depressed the next day and immediately start running through scenarios on how I could break it off with him. Or at least talk to him about my desire to see other people.

Plans for tonight? Apparently a fire in the backyard and some drinkin! And maybe seeing boy2 later....   >.<

Best Foot Forward

Sitting here, listening to my Daft Punk radio station on Pandora, 2 beers in. There are so many things I want to write about, but I really should limit myself to one subject at a time.

Let's go with the most recent thing I wanted to write about. I read a blog today (http://yearthirtyone.blogspot.com/) that talked about how everyone on Facebook always puts their best foot forward and it can make you feel horribly inadequate. I definitely do this on Facebook (I tend to find the whiny people to be annoying attention seekers and either skip their posts or de-friend them.).

I like to think that I'm honest on this blog, but the truth is I cover a lot with my optimism and general sense of humor. I want to be honest for those that might use this blog in the future for what it's intended for. A source of support for those going through similar circumstances as myself.

So here's the truth. I'm lonely a lot. I miss having someone around constantly. Someone to cook for. Someone to joke with. Someone to share my trials and tribulations with.

Today I thought about the Ex a lot. Strangely enough, not in terms of missing him. Just missing someone. And being jealous of her. Also, being jealous that he was still in Korea and I wasn't. I love traveling. No fair. I resisted Facebook stalking him, barely.  These days don't happen often anymore. In fact, I was able to brag to my shrink that it's been 6 weeks since I've clicked on his Facebook profile.

Last week I had insomnia like crazy. Every night I went to bed early and wok up at 2am and went to bed again about 4-5am. Part of it was that I was texting with boy1. I just wanted to talk since I was awake.

Brb... gonna go get a 3rd beer. It's that kind of night.

I don't feel like a healthy person. I don't know why any guy would like me. I feel like I'm holding onto the crazy with a short rein.

I'll probably have to be drunk to tell boy2 that I want to see other people. Problem: I don't feel like I want to see other people when I'm talking/hanging out with him. It's when I'm away from him that I do. Should I take my shrink's advice and just let things ride? Or should I give into my panic and loneliness and tell him I want to date other people.

As depressing as this is. About an hour ago I was feeling good. Really good. Like dancing to music and really enjoying being by myself.

So why the sudden change in mood? Well, probably partly the subject matter, and thinking about my low points in general. Also, probably the 2nd and 3rd beers...

On an entirely different note, I told my shrink I would show her how to set up a blog. I would love to follow that blog, but she's pretty insistent on anonymity. I'll have to make sure she knows how to make it truly anonymous, unlike my blog, which I'm sure any half-wit hacker could destroy in 30 seconds. ;)

Drinking

I've been doing it way too often...

Btw, this is posted on my phone at the Wilkinsburg Eastbusway Station.

As I'm waiting here, thinking about what I want to post. I realize, not only am I hungry, but I really want a beer or two or three. To be lightly drunk tonight would be awesome.

Now I could go into why I'm stressed out and why a drink sounds great. (I just got done with an 11 hour day at work, I got 15 new test scripts due by friday added to my load, 2nd round of validation starts next week and I know I don't have time for it, I slept with boy1 last night, I want to tell boy2 that I am/want to date other people... even though we're not official by any means and I'm probably just projecting, I still feel dishonest, but I can't bring myself to say anything right now...) But the honest truth is, I think I've been drinking too much, too often.

The problem is I can't just have a couple of beers. I mean I can ONLY have a couple beers, and then I'm drunk. Seriously. I know it's because I've lost weight, and many people are jealous of my "cheap date" abilities. But it's really a pain in the ass. To drink socially and then all of a sudden be drunk? It's embarrassing to say the least.

So, if I, say, want to have a beer or two after work because I'm stressed, I really shouldn't because it's not cool to be drunk 4-5 nights a week....

Aww, fuck it. I totally want a beer when I get home.

Maybe...

Maybe I am a bad person. At least I probably would have judged myself this way before. You know, before, when I had only slept with one guy ever and couldn't fathom how girls could want to sleep around.

I hadn't mentioned any of this before because I still thought there was a chance I'd end up with boy2 long term (unlikely, but a chance, none-the-less), which will seem even more silly when I go into detail below.


I haven't stopped communicating with boy1, there was never an official breakup. We've hooked up once since I started dating boy2 (like a couple days into meeting boy2, so I don't feel overly guilty about this). And I really want to hook up again. Even though I've been telling boy1 no way. Neither boy knows about each other.

I haven't committed to monogamy with either one, but it's kind of implied with boy2 right now. (My fault, I gave in and asked him straight up if he was dating any other girls and he said no, asked me if I was dating any other guys and I said no. As a result, I stopped texting/talking with boy1 for a whole 3 days.... that ended last night when I had a couple 9% beers at the bar.)

The thing is, I really want to see both boys.... but I really should be honest about it and tell them I'm seeing other people. But since I don't think either one is my prince charming/forever guy.... I really just don't want the drama. I just want to hang out, have fun and have sex. With both of them.

Would it ever hurt either of them if they never knew about each other, since it's not like I plan on being with either one long term? (Gah! If only I hadn't told boy2 I wasn't dating anyone else. True at the moment since I hadn't see boy 1 in over 2 weeks at that point... and I don't know if you can count "hooking-up" as "dating"... still lying by omission I'm pretty sure.) My shrink thinks I'm taking on too much responsibility. Still, if I was boy2 and I found out, I'd be pissed.

Now the shrink seems to think that if I spend more time with boy1, I'll become disillusioned and get over him faster than if I don't. Which sounded like a great excuse, coupled with drinking last night, to give boy1 a text, or a dozen, which quickly turned sexual. I didn't hook up with him last night, I'd like to think my morals interfered and wouldn't let me. But the truth is it was just really late.

Part of me wants to break it off with boy2, just because I know I don't see a future with him and it seems unfair, like I'm leading him along. But the shrink has pointed out a little thing called projecting. That for all I know, boy2 just wants to have a good time too and isn't looking for anything long term. Her advice? Relax, ride it out, and enjoy the ride.

God I hope I'm projecting. I'm going to feel terrible if I really am leading him along.

My Beliefs

I realized recently, that eventually I'm going to meet a guy who will want to discuss "serious topics". Not just how much we both like to play video games, snowboard, and laugh at stupid stuff.

What do I mean by "serious topics"? My stance on abortion, who I'm going to vote for and why, my religious beliefs, gay marriage, racism, feminism, raising children, welfare, marijuana legalization, and gun control. Intense, serious topics.

Here's something I realized, I don't really know exactly where I stand on a lot of these topics. Last night I had dreams about it and I've been thinking about it all morning and realizing I have beliefs, rationalizations and strong feelings on these topics... I just don't have logical reasons prepared for discussion.

I know I feel something, but why do I feel that way?

So in an effort to sort out my thoughts and beliefs, here's a list of what I believe and why. Feel free to comment and argue. I figure it will be good practice.

Abortion
While I personally don't think I could or would abort a baby from my body. I don't think Abortion should be illegal. Why? Because abortion is as old as time, and if it's not legal, people will still do it, only dangerously, in back alleys. And I can't stand the thought of a 14 year old girl bleeding to death in a back alley because she panicked and tried to get an illegal abortion. I think girls should get counseling, understanding and help and maybe they'll calm down and see that there are other ways, but if they still want an abortion it should be legal for them to do so. And Christian protesters? You're not helping. Your protests make girls feel guilty, panicked, trapped, depressed in an already bad situation. This doesn't help the decision making process. If you want less (less, because you're not going to get rid of them entirely) abortions, make it so a girl would feel comfortable talking with you about her situation. Not like she's going to get persecuted for even thinking about it. Anger begets anger, and compassion and sympathy are much more likely to lead to a compassionate solution.

Who I Would Vote For if I Could
Well, first, Morgan Freeman, because I would believe anything he told me in that voice of his. Soooo soothing. But if I was going to vote for a real candidate... I really like Gary Johnson. He is just about perfect for me. Why? He actually has a legit financial plan, as opposed to just saying the government needs to spend less. He actually names what should be cut and reduced. Check it out. He believes in American's owning guns, he believes in making marijuana legal and taxing the heck out of it, he believes in a free internet. He's very middle of the road. Which means he won't even be on the ticket. So.... someone who will probably be on the ticket? Probably Ron Paul... goddamn it all to heck. Even though I feel like he doesn't actually have any idea how to fix the economy (I feel like someone with business experience should be in office, really, a former CFO would be best in my mind), and I really hate his extreme view on abortion and feel like he would also strongly disagree with a lot of my other views.... maybe I just won't vote at all this time around. That leads me to the next topic.

Voting
I feel like this is a major privilege of being an american, and I try to exercise it. I feel like if you don't vote, you don't have a right to complain. This being said, I feel like my vote counts for nothing because of the electoral college. Outmoded and Outdated. I'm for abolishing it.

My Religious Beliefs
I believe in God. Or at least an omnipotent power that is all goodness, beauty and magic in the world. This doesn't mean I believe in a church or even the bible. I think Jesus was a righteous dude, but I have a hard time believing the God I believe in would require his only son as sacrifice. I was raised Catholic and still find comfort in the ritual of Mass. That doesn't mean I support or endorse the teachings of the Catholic church. :::Things to think about when arguing with me that I have to support a church to believe in God. Did you know the Catholic church used to condemn women if they died within 33 days of giving birth to a boy and 66 days of giving birth to a girl, saying they were too "dirty" to enter heaven? Did you know they used to regulate the size of stick you could beat your wife with, the "rule of thumb"?:::  That being said, I believe in evolution and all that science can prove to me, because I was created to think and problem solve and expand and grow. I believe that one day humans will find enlightenment. And while it seems everyday that there's more and more cause to fear the Zombie Apocalypse, I'm an optimist and I think the human race will push through, smaller than before but with greater insight and wisdom.

Separation of Church and State
This great country was founded on religious freedom. And saying that we are a "Christian Country" and that we should pray in schools is repugnant to me. If it is a public school, no child should be forced into prayer, or feel cast-out if they don't participate. Same goes for things like putting "In God We Trust" on our money (This didn't happen until 1956, btw), and forcing our religious beliefs into laws, like marriage, abortion, prohibition (ummm, yeah, that's what that was), and old fashioned morality laws (laws still on the books, for example, that say more than 4 women living together is a brothel, so students on campus can't have sorority houses, but they can have fraternity houses..... oooh that almost makes me want to go onto my rant about feminism already). People always think this is protecting Muslims or some other group whose religion they don't understand or agree with. But what about Jews, or people that don't believe in God at all? Or people that just feel uncomfortable with your type of prayer? I know as a Catholic child, I was always horribly uncomfortable with the holding hands type of prayer, and this always seemed the type that happened at school.

Prostitution
I honestly don't care if this is legal. Go ahead. Make sure there are age limits and required health checks.Tax the heck out of it. I feel like this might cut down on child prostitution and slavery. Why is it illegal in the first place? Because we find it morally wrong? Against the bible maybe? Oldest profession, it's not going away. Might as well regulate it to make it safer.

Gay Marriage
I believe that gay folks should be able to legally marry. Churches have every right to dictate that they can't get married in the church, but they don't have a right to dictate what tax breaks the government gives and religious beliefs shouldn't be involved in the discussion. See Separation of Church and State above.

Stereotypes
Joking about stereotypes and racism is as long as it's with a view towards the ridiculousness of them. Stereotypes are founded on truth but it's not ok to assume that everyone will live up to a stereotype. My least favorite stereotype that keeps proving true? Bad women drivers. **Women: Why do you keep proving the men in my life right? Why is it whenever a driver does something stupid enough that I get all riled up, it's a woman?!? Quit it!! You're ruining it for the rest of us decent lady drivers.**  I feel that this sentiment should be shared by anyone who is the victim of a stereotype too. Anger at the person applying the stereotype to you is justified, but you have to look around and be pissed at the people perpetuating it too. Either stance is not cool and not fair.

Feminism
I believe females can do anything a man can. And that includes having upper body strength if I wanted to work for it. I don't. Just because I choose not to be able to lift 50lb boxes and ask for help instead doesn't mean there aren't women out there who can lift 50lbs and don't need a man, thank you very much. Just because I like being feminine and girly doesn't mean I can't be intelligent, commanding, and make dirty jokes. I don't have to choose one way or the other, I can be who I want to be and expect to be treated like I act, not for what my genitals are.

Raising Children
I will want to raise children someday. I will also want to work. I believe that discipline and limits teaches a child you care along with hugs and love, and too much in either direction is bad for them. I want to give my child every advantage, while not pushing so hard that I burn out any potential or creativity (this might be expensive). I believe the sciences and reading books are very important. So I plan on reading to my children and going to science museums and doing science projects at home just because they're cool. I also believe extra-curricular activities are important, but not so important that they need to occur every day of the week. Nor does my child have to succeed and be a "winner" if they're involved in sports. I believe kids should go outside and play, but that video games aren't "bad" for you and have their own place in play time. I believe in dreams, fairy tales and Santa Claus. I love Christmas and I will probably want to do things like Family Board Game Night. I also will still want to go to parties and dress up, I feel like a husband and wife going on a date is good for children. It reinforces that their parents love each other, want to spend time with each other and are people too. I also believe there's a limit on age when kids can still come to adult parties. It's about the time they're able to talk. At that point, there should be a babysitter obtained.

Welfare
It started out as a great, humanitarian idea. It was never meant to be a career option. I feel like it should be regulated and cut a hell of a lot more. I hate that the money I work for is taxed so others don't have to work. I don't mind helping temporary situations, but long term welfare is something I hate.

Marijuana Legalization
I feel that Marijuana should be as legal as alcohol. I feel that making it illegal has increased crime and costs to the state and federal government. I feel that it monetarily supports gangs and other illegal activities just because it is illegal. Make it legal and tax the bejeebus out of it. I also feel like drug tests should be refined to be able to tell if I'm high at work or not. Not just did you smoke in the last week. I feel like it's not fair to punish someone for their out of work activities as long as it doesn't affect their work. Saying this, I've never smoked pot and I won't get to until I retire because I've worked jobs where I got drug tested ever since I started working at 16.

Gun Control
I believe in my right to own and carry guns. I don't think the government, any government, should be the only one with the guns. It's my right as an american to be able to form a rebellion if I want to, and I wouldn't be able to do that if only the government had guns. Not only that, but it goes with the other legalization arguments above. Guess who would be selling and financially supporting their illegal operations with gun sales if guns were made illegal? And guess who would then own guns and who wouldn't? Not only that, I need my guns in case of a Zombie Apocalypse...



I have the hardest time articulating my thoughts on intense subjects like these. Hopefully, I'll be able to remember what I wrote when it comes to discussing any of these topics in the future. But probably not, it's like my brain just freezes when topics like these come up.... But it can't hurt to try! If I think of any other topics that I feel strongly about, I'll probably just edit this entry. So this one has the potential to become excessively long as I sort through my feelings and decide what I feel versus what I felt when I was with the Ex-husband.   I apologize.