Nightmares, part 2

I kept trying to fall back to sleep and I did for another 20 minutes. This time I had a dream about the house I own with the Ex.

It wasn't really a nightmare, just picturing and remembering all the hopes I had for that house. I wanted to have babies there. Maybe not live there forever, but start our lives there.

And now it stands empty, with the ghosts of unborn children and a future that will never happen. Children I might never be able to have. This is one of my biggest fears. We tried to have a baby for over a year before he told me he had "changed his mind" and didn't want to have babies right now after all. (That would make sense btw, if I had been the one to suggest we try having children. I wasn't, it was his idea.)

Right before we went to Korea, we had been trying for almost a year, I convinced a doctor to sign us up for some tests. For those of you that don't know, there's really only 1 test for a guy, and about a million for a girl. He passed his test, and I took 3 (out of those million) and passed mine.

It wasn't like we weren't having sex. We were having it frequently, not with a lot of enthusiasm, but frequently.

I want to have children someday, and the idea that I possibly can't makes me super upset. I know, I've heard all the platitudes about how I'm worrying about nothing, etc, etc. It doesn't help that, despite being grateful that I don't have a baby going through this divorce, I feel like my lack of conception might have contributed to the inevitable dissolution of our marriage.

I know this is stupid in this day and age, but I feel useless as a woman if I can't conceive. Like I've lost a part of my purpose in life if I can never experience pregnancy and birth. Sure, I can adopt, it's not the same. What guy wants a girl who might not be able to give him a family?

And as a side note, I'm jealous of all my friends with babies. To the point that sometimes I'm repulsed by their child. Holding their adorable bundle of joy is like a stab in the heart. No offense friends with children who might read this, your child is adorable and wonderful. It just hurts to be around them and your happy family sometimes.

Someday, I know, I'll have a family of my own, and I won't be like my mother, and I'll probably be able to conceive and give birth to my own child. But for now, I have doubts. My shrink told me last night that I live in my own head a lot. I've never before considered that, maybe I do. Don't reassure me, I won't believe you. Or rather, I'll believe you, but I won't stop worrying about it. Turning it over in my head, mulling about it, contemplating...