Maybe...

Maybe I am a bad person. At least I probably would have judged myself this way before. You know, before, when I had only slept with one guy ever and couldn't fathom how girls could want to sleep around.

I hadn't mentioned any of this before because I still thought there was a chance I'd end up with boy2 long term (unlikely, but a chance, none-the-less), which will seem even more silly when I go into detail below.


I haven't stopped communicating with boy1, there was never an official breakup. We've hooked up once since I started dating boy2 (like a couple days into meeting boy2, so I don't feel overly guilty about this). And I really want to hook up again. Even though I've been telling boy1 no way. Neither boy knows about each other.

I haven't committed to monogamy with either one, but it's kind of implied with boy2 right now. (My fault, I gave in and asked him straight up if he was dating any other girls and he said no, asked me if I was dating any other guys and I said no. As a result, I stopped texting/talking with boy1 for a whole 3 days.... that ended last night when I had a couple 9% beers at the bar.)

The thing is, I really want to see both boys.... but I really should be honest about it and tell them I'm seeing other people. But since I don't think either one is my prince charming/forever guy.... I really just don't want the drama. I just want to hang out, have fun and have sex. With both of them.

Would it ever hurt either of them if they never knew about each other, since it's not like I plan on being with either one long term? (Gah! If only I hadn't told boy2 I wasn't dating anyone else. True at the moment since I hadn't see boy 1 in over 2 weeks at that point... and I don't know if you can count "hooking-up" as "dating"... still lying by omission I'm pretty sure.) My shrink thinks I'm taking on too much responsibility. Still, if I was boy2 and I found out, I'd be pissed.

Now the shrink seems to think that if I spend more time with boy1, I'll become disillusioned and get over him faster than if I don't. Which sounded like a great excuse, coupled with drinking last night, to give boy1 a text, or a dozen, which quickly turned sexual. I didn't hook up with him last night, I'd like to think my morals interfered and wouldn't let me. But the truth is it was just really late.

Part of me wants to break it off with boy2, just because I know I don't see a future with him and it seems unfair, like I'm leading him along. But the shrink has pointed out a little thing called projecting. That for all I know, boy2 just wants to have a good time too and isn't looking for anything long term. Her advice? Relax, ride it out, and enjoy the ride.

God I hope I'm projecting. I'm going to feel terrible if I really am leading him along.