My letter to *you*

To The Boy Who Will Never Read This,

I’m not sure what really happened the last week.  Maybe I was living in a bubble of happiness and idealism or maybe I choose not to see what was right in front of me.  For the first time, in many years, I was truly happy.  I recognized we had our differences, but I enjoyed them. I liked being exposed to a different way of life.  You got me to feel alive again. Being with you, let me forget the pain that the others have left behind.  It was you I was convinced that I would grow old with.  But I was sadly mistaken.  The more I liked you, the more nervous I got, which made me become distant. I thought I had communicated that to you, but I now realize I wasn’t clear enough.  I wanted so badly to talk about these issues, but it seemed since we returned from out trip neither of us had particularly good weeks.  I get that, I respect that, which is why I did not bring this subject up. That is what I regret. I was hoping to discuss it further with you the day after Thanksgiving, when we would be spending time together. However, I’m not sure what happened in the 5 days since I had last seen you, but I never got that chance.   The last images I have are you looking me in the eyes and smiling kissing me goodbye… I didn’t realize that would be the last time…  That is the image that will forever be attached to you.

This is what I wanted to say… this is what I wanted you to hear….

I have built up huge walls around me. I didn’t build them to keep people out, but to see how much a person liked me to climb over them.  I did it to protect myself. See, what you might not realize is as though I look like a hard ass on the outside, I’m an extremely emotional person on the inside.  I don’t let just anybody get close to me. I have in the past and each time I finally gave my trust to the person my world was pulled out from underneath me. I'm not sure if you remember that night in Texas, when I told you about how many people have died from my family or friends... Each one of those deaths affected me. Everytime I went through that process, I built that wall up a little higher at the time, because let's be honest... going to 24 funerals is a lot for anyone...  So my protection is to keep people at a distance until I feel comfortable enough to let you in. I wanted to let you see the gentle side of me… to let you see the emotional side of me. When I fall for someone, I tend to give way to much, I love way to deep and I give that person 110% of myself.  And so being vulnerable isn’t something that comes easy to me.  When I let people in, they get all of me, which is scary, I know it's ridiculous, but I’m working on that.  I realize that I care far too much than I should with you. I’m not going to make excuses for that, because it’s what makes me who I am.  I wanted you to see that. I wanted you to see how much I cared for you, but I was afraid. No one has ever made me feel the way I did with you.  For the first time since the Big D, I finally thought to myself, ‘This is it. He’s the one I want to marry. He’s the one I want to grow old with, to have children with. He’s perfect for me.’  I really thought you were. I was able to be myself, my hot mess of a self, you respected my friendships with the guys, and you treated me kindly.  Truth be told, you do intimidate me. You intimidate the hell out of me. I had created a 'mental list' of things I wanted in a partner and they were all over the place, because I didn't want someone to match them. You did. You matched everything I wanted. They commonly say ' you never know what you are missing until you've found it.' I completely agree. I loved the fact that you smelled amazing. I loved the fact that you took a lot of pride in your appearance. I loved the fact that you had high standards.  I even loved it when you would call me "Snooks."  But I couldn't tell you this. I couldn't let you know... and the only part that I couldn't give you, was the part that you needed to see.  That is what I regret.  I regret not putting it out there, not letting you know how I truly felt. I wanted to protect myself, but in the end, I just ended up hurting myself.  

As I think about how everything transpired, I just sit confused.  Confused over the real reason we aren’t together, why we aren’t trying to work on this.  You aren’t the asshole that you try to be, I know that. I also recognize the immense amount of stress you have been under since we got back from our trip. You have been pulled in so many directions, that I’m sure I didn’t help the situation.  I realize that letting me go was the easy option you had.  I was one less than you had to worry about… make time for..

I liked you. I liked you so much.  I wanted to work on it. You mentioned our personality differences, but I don’t see that as a reason, I see it as an excuse. I want to know the real reason. I want to at least be worth the truth from you. I want to know why after we broke up that night you texted me to ‘have a good night.’(Enter Crazy) I just want to know. I can’t forget Texas and the amazing time we had.  I can’t forget the last few times we were together and you would reach out for my hand.  Was it all a lie? Is it the commitment you can't do right now? Was there another who has your heart?

If you haven’t figured out, I was more than just smitten with you… because I was… what I felt, finally falling in love with a man. And not the the school-girl-crush love. No, this was something much greater, this was the I-am-going-accept-everything-about-you-love-and-never-want-to-live-without-you-love.  This was for good, in my head. 

I think it’s ironic that the last movie we watch together had this line… ‘‘No, this wasn't an easy one, but the foundation was good, I'll say that. And if that's okay, then everything else can be fixed.” I believe we had a good foundation. We respected each other, we laughed a whole lot. We clicked and everything just seemed so natural, so real. We could have been so great. 

At the end, all I want is the truth. I want to be worth enough to you, to have the truth. Because I’m not the type to walk away without trying. I didn’t figure you for that either.  I know what I want and I want a future with you. I don’t want your money, I don’t care what you can ‘do for me’ I want you because I like you, because you make me laugh like no one else, you call my out when you know I'm lying, because you challenge me to analyze my life, and because when I look you in the eyes the world feels like it’s stopped and no one else is around. So if you want it, if you want to try, I'd be more than excited. But remember, you take me as I am, you take this sometimes crazy emotional person. I'm working on it, I'm working on improving myself. I realize my faults, I realize my downfalls. I just need someone who realizes that I'm worth putting up with those faults because those are minor imperfections are worth it to have me at my best. Marilyn Monroe said it best... 'I'm selfish,  impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.  But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.'

I’m not mad, bitter, angry, or hateful. I’m just sad. Plain and simple, I’m sad. So please, tell me truth. Tell me the true reason why I’m not going to get a phone call from you tonight.  When it comes right down to it, I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else. I only wish you felt the same way.

Sincerely,

Shamlessly in love

P.S. Thanks Dear for letting me get this out there. I owe you a beer (or 2)!