I want to write...

Because I feel angsty (of course), and yet, I've been getting glimpses of true happiness lately.

I didn't even realize how truly unhappy I've been (at this point, you're thinking... really?? You didn't notice??). I guess I'm just used to faking it till I feel it. But recently, there's been a time or two where I've felt that truly happy moment. Listening to music the other night, or appreciating the fall colors. And for a moment or two, it's not tinged with sadness, regret, or current relationship angst.

The only thing I can compare it to is like being in high school again. When I still had so much hope and idealism for the future. When I still thought the world was beautiful and life had the possibility of being a fairy tale.

It's like seeing the opening in the clouds... for a moment the sun shines through and then it's swept away again.

I want that feeling all the time, and I don't know if I can. It would be like the ability to go back in time. But I feel like it's available and out there, waiting for me to grab it. Do I have to go back to working at Renaissance Fairs, or in technical theater and admitting that I think LARPing might be pretty fun? (Also, I've always thought the SCA would be really awesome, though I've never tried it.)

Or can I just listen to some new age music and read a really intense fantasy novel. Imagining that elves really might exist, and if they didn't heroism and romance surely did and I would experience it some day.

I remember being angsty in high school. But I also remember being very sure that I would find true love in the future and that I would make a difference in the world. I had given up on making a difference because I thought I had true love. I was wrong. Could I still make a difference? I know I still have a chance at true love.

If I was going to make a difference, what would I do? I always thought I would love to write a fantasy or sci-fi novel. In fact, when I decided to get a degree in engineering, it was with the thought that maybe I would write an awesome video game or that I would have the expertise to write an awesome sci-fi novel.

Maybe I still can write that novel.