On being a nerd...

I grew up nerdy. I read a lot of sci-fi/fantasy. I read a lot, period. I loved my Dad's book from National Geographic called, "The Universe". I wore glasses. I was teased a lot. I started out as an extremely outgoing little girl, but the longer I was in school the shyer and more introverted I became. I figured the quieter I was the less I would be teased about my "weird" ideas. I was the type of girls that liked to ask uncomfortable questions, like the sophist classic "What if I'm the only real person here? That would mean you're a figment of my imagination." These questions don't make 7 year old's like you.

My quietness, by the time I reached High School, had started to come off as bitchiness. I didn't know how to respond when guys flirted with me, it felt a lot like being teased. I was too smart for a lot of my public school classes, so I read books during the class and did my homework when I got it in the rest of class. I was a child that would have welcomed extra classes after school, but my parents were never the kind to push for that type of thing, and I didn't know it existed to ask.

By my Junior year of high school. I had made a firm group of friends, of which I was the least weird. Their weirdness fascinated me. I was introduced to anime, video games (Super Mario doesn't count, this was true RPG gaming for the Playstation), the Renaissance festival, drama, technical theatre, and DnD. Most of these friends were older than me. My best friend was my age, and that was about it. I probably won't be going to my high school reunion, only because I wouldn't get to see this group, so what's the point?

I was editor of the Literary Magazine, easily in honor societies that required attendance, I didn't bother attending. I was in Chamber Choir and whatever the big choir was called, and I was taking vocal lessons to perform solo and in small ensembles. I was the sound guru/Stage Manager for the Technical Theatre group. I easily earned my "letters" in Drama and Choir, but never bothered to buy a letterman jacket. The summer before, I worked at the local Renaissance Festival as a street performer. Pretty costume and lots of fun!

When I went to college, I knew that I loved all that geeky stuff. On top of that I loved gadgets and gizmos and I wanted to major in Computer Science (not realizing that computer science majors don't typically get to write video games). I was beginning to be comfortable with myself. I went off to my nerdy college (seriously, I picked the nerdiest college I could find. Specializing in Engineering, the guy/girl ratio was 4/1 my freshman year. In my senior year it had become normal to be the only girl in a class of 30+, I didn't even notice it anymore.), resolved to show and act with more confidence. Btw, like most college students, I changed my mind on what I wanted to major in, I ended up with a degree in Engineering Management.

I had dated 4 guys at this point, only 1 "long term" of 6 months, the others for a month or less at a time. I had spent my summer outside working at the local amusement park, so I was tanner then I had ever been (or ever will be again, I'm sure) even though it was a farmers tan. I had dated 3 of those 4 guys that summer. Been flirted with, told I was cute. I was feeling very confident that I was going to a college of like-minded individuals whom I would form intellectual, and hopefully some physical (boys!!) connections with.

I joined one of the 3 Sororities on campus (compare to the 21 Fraternities on campus), and found a group of sisters who shared my interest in all things nerdy. ***For those few of you that I gave this link to, I just want to plug an I love you and AOT!*** Further expanding my nerdiness by exploring things like DDR, Diablo II, Final Fantasy, Knitting, DM (Dungeon Master) for DnD, I also learned about my less nerdy side. I like to dress up and be girly. Turns out I have a talent for chugging beer, though not the tolerance to back it up. I became the President of my Sorority for 1.5 terms (it's a long story). I also had no qualms about winning pie-eating contests (I'm not fat, so why would I be self-conscious about it?), or participating in "couch-burnings" - it was southern Missouri.

Afterwards, I realized that despite being in a sorority, guys had influenced my tastes and opinions in video games, TV shows, movies and porn (yep porn), way more than my sorority sisters had. I like a lot of "dude" things. I can quote Super Troopers and Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Out Cold. I have an opinion on different types of porn (I really do. I think most porn is funny, not so much a turn on. So if I'm going to watch a porn, I prefer it to be as 70's-esque as possible, with big mustaches and bigger bushes. Sorry, while I very much enjoy having sex myself, I think watching other people have sex is just funny.) I don't like first-person shooter games, they make me nauseous (it's the first person view) not to mention that I just don't have the reaction time required to be good at them. I hate sports games because I don't get sports, the appeal, and from lack of reaction time as stated above. I love RPG's, a good cinematic will get me everytime. For a while in college, my nickname was Neverwinter Nights because I played it constantly until I won it and then started over again. I've developed a deep and abiding love for an MMO. I can have a sustained conversation about raiding in WoW and have opinions.

I still love to read, especially Science Fiction and Fantasy novels, I'm always looking for a good author. I'm currently reading:  "Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Before that I read a vampire novel and before that I was re-reading a romance novel. I can give you my theory on how the Zombie Apocolypse will happen, and I own a 22 rifle, though I've never been hunting and I have no desire to. I also have a great fondness for the idea of dragons and fairies, knights in shining armor and pirates. This is why I still love a good Renaissance Festival (I'm a Renn Faire snob, btw, critical of shows, crafts and the size. For example, I'll go to the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival if that's my only choice, but I much prefer a bigger festival that draws better shows). I've always thought joining the SCA would be fun, and that I can understand why people LARP and though I have no motivation to do it on my own, could probably be convinced if someone wanted to take the time to persuade me. I love that scene from The Labyrinth where she's dressed up in the park reciting poetry, I can totally understand the urge on a beautiful spring day. I've never done it, but I understand it.

In other words, I am a super-geek. I keep it pretty well hidden in my normal life. With it emerging occasionally in conversation when I figure out that the other person would be amenable to such a topic. But most of the time it's under wraps. I've been told that I still let that left-over shyness from high-school take over occasionally (This is how that conversation tends to go [scene: getting drunk with good girl-friend at a bar] "I totally thought you were a bitch when I first met you, but I was wrong! You're the sweetest girl ever!" Me, concerned: "Why did you think I was a bitch?" "You were just so quiet, you wouldn't talk back to me when I talked to you!" "Oh, I was just shy." "I know that now!!" [also, I feel devastated every time I have this conversation, wondering who else I've been a bitch to. And I know this isn't just one person, I have had this conversation multiple, multiple times]).

I try to not do this when I first start dating a guy, but I do. I clam up. It feels physically impossible to talk sometimes, like there's something in my throat stopping me. Heck, the last time I went on a first date, I apologized because I couldn't make eye-contact. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder if I don't just want to have sex on the first date just so I can loosen up and relax.

Sigh, I try to let boys who I'm interested in dating know that deep down inside I'm really really geeky, but they don't really understand until much later into it. And I just want a cute boy who will geek out with me. Maybe convince me that LARPing would totally be worth the risk of ridicule. Ok, maybe not. I'm kindof clumsy, I might loose an eye trying to do that.