Love vs Drama

I realize, as I write this, ok maybe a little before I write this.... that I only write bad things about boy2 on here. It goes back to only wanting to write on this blog when I'm unhappy. So the goal of this blog post is, after complaining, I will list some of the reasons I'm in love with boy2.

But first to get rid of the Drama.

I teased boy2 about the boyfriend girlfriend thing again. I really don't know why I do this. I don't actually care that much about the boyfriend/girlfriend title. Except in terms the public acknowledgment that the titles represent. On that note, I don't know how much public acknowledgement I want to do, you know? What does that mean? Facebook official? Eugh. But I want him to want me to publicly acknowledge him, and I want him to want to publicly acknowledge me. (As a friend put it, I want him to want to scream it from the mountaintops.)

Feelings are complicated.

Ok, back to the story. So I teased him, and it got uncomfortable quick. He said something along the lines of, "I love you, you are the girlfriend without the title. Can we just leave it at that? Assigning titles just fucks stuff up. Things are so great right now."

Yeah, I was upset. I asked him why it would fuck things up and he asked me not to push it. Really?? So I didn't talk to him yesterday. Not really, anyway. And I drank, a lot. But apparently my being upset made him upset enough that he drank on Saturday night. I call this a good sign. Why is it a good sign if he's upset? Because it means he cares. Ok, that sounds crazy girl. It might be crazy girl. But seriously, don't push it??

We've talked a couple times this morning. He's hung over (right now, as I'm writing this.) I explained that I was upset because he won't talk to me about his previous relationships and he said he didn't see why he should and I said "because it's affecting us! There's obviously a reason you think calling me your girlfriend is going to fuck things up and it's not fair to not talk about it if I ask." There was a long pause, and he said "Touche".

I dropped it. I'll bring it back up later, and maybe I'll even write about it. I'm sure we'll resolve things this time. How do I end up with guys who are almost as fucked up as I am. That doesn't seem fair, I deserve a guy that's steady and can handle my crazy girl moments, they're gonna happen, see above for reference.

Still, you get to be my age, and everyone has baggage. And we're finding out each others as we go along. I mean, I was happy he was unhappy today. That's pretty messed up. Thank you, How I Met Your Mother. That show is full of life lessons.

As promised, things I love about boy2.

• Talking. I have never wanted to talk to a guy so much or so often. On the phone! I don't like talking to my best friends on the phone. Seriously, only person I've ever wanted to talk to on the phone.
• He tells me he loves me all the time.
• He tells me I'm beautiful and cute and smart and wonderful.
• His taste in movies and TV shows is pretty awesome.
• He kinda likes my cat, despite being severely allergic to her.
• He makes me laugh.
• We eat muffins the same way (gotta eat the top off first).  ;)
• He told me I'm even cute when I whine (lol!!!)
• He's cute, and a little cocky, in a kinda self-conscious way, which I find endearing.
• He told me Thank You for making him try new things. 
• He's dependable and reliable.
• He makes me feel wanted and loved.

So, yeah, I'm upset about the boyfriend/girlfriend title thing. But for now, I'm ok. We'll either work it out or it will build up, ball up, with a whole bunch of other things that will eventually lead to a breakup. I hope it doesn't come to that. I love him. :)

Confrontation and Me

I'm not very good at confrontation. I tend to hold all my anger, resentment, jealousy, all the "bad" thoughts inside until they burst out all at once.

I never yell at Waiters/waitresses, I'm always polite, I smile at people and look them in the eye. I'm a big believer of what goes around comes around or the Golden Rule.

For a couple months after the breakup I was having confrontations over some of the stupidest stuff. Please reference this blog post if you don't believe me. Then I leveled off into a semblance of my more normal self.

Sure my patience levels seem to have gone down significantly, but I still smile at random people, say please, thank you, and excuse me. I hold stuff in that I get upset with boy2 about, (Btw, I really try to tell boy2, but I open my mouth and nothing comes out.) and otherwise suppress anything that might be negative.

I think I've been able to do this much more because boy2 is so openly confrontational. Not with me, just everyone else in the world. He has no qualms about telling someone they were rude for cutting in line, or threatening to take someone out back because they couldn't just let something go.

Mind you, I don't know if I'm attracted to this or appalled. Maybe both.

On the one hand, his ability to confront people let's me live vicariously without having to resort to the crazy girl who fought an old man over an arm rest. Not only that, but I find his confidence in himself to be able to follow up on his temper appealing in a very primal manner. (My man can hunt, fish and defend my honor, booyah!)

On the other hand, I can't say I haven't been embarrassed when he's been taking stuff too far. I feel like if I stay with boy2, I could easily be over-tipping for the rest of my life trying to make it up to various people in the service industry.

And as proud as I was of myself for confronting that jerk of an old man, I was also deeply ashamed of myself. I don't even think I've ever told boy2 about it, and that was the weekend we began talking, so you'd think it would be a hot topic!

Also, I think I've learned a lot by observing boy2. It may be a lack of confidence that leads him to be so confrontational over the little stuff. Or sometimes it may be too much confidence. I know it's my lack of confidence that often leads me to not confront other people. But I think that feeling bad about myself made me want to confront that old guy way more than I would otherwise be willing to. Wow, that's just confusing.

I gotta find a happy middle ground. But where is it? Is anyone out there completely happy with their confrontation levels? Are people who are more confrontational naturally happier? (I'm basing off the assumption that they probably win more.) Or are they sadder because they're always irritated/annoyed with someone?

I kinda want to get into a fist fight. Just to try it out. I think I could win. :) (As long as I wasn't still hurting from all my recent injuries!)

Sexuality

I just got done reading this article. BTW, this might not be Safe for Work if you work in an extremely conservative office where everyone can read over your shoulder. (No unsafe pictures or anything.) Probably this whole blog entry is NSFW if you meet the above considerations.

So I was thinking about this. I tend to be a very sexual woman. This wasn't so much the case when I was younger, but in recent years I've really come into my own. I know just the right amount of concentration and flexing what muscles will get me there. It's virtually impossible at this point for me to not orgasm. In fact, multiple orgasms for me are the norm. And I discovered that while I enjoy self-pleasure, it's totally different with a partner and I like having a partner.

On the other end, I feel like I've lost a lot of my power as a female. Just because I like sex and am probably not going to say no with a partner I'm seeing and I trust.

In my marriage, I felt like my ex-husband thought I was kind of slutty and skanky for wanting to have sex. I never indicated wanting to have sex with anyone else, but sometimes I felt like I was begging for it. There was a lot of self-pleasure on my end going on. Talk about supposed role-reversal. If I had held onto my power, restricting sex and using it against him, would I have kept my marriage together?

Of course not, but I torture myself with thoughts like this.

And now boy2 occasionally teases, saying if I don't behave I won't get sex the next time I see him. WTF? I'm sure he's just teasing as he has yet to hold out....

I swear, if he starts holding out, it's over. I will not be in that kind of relationship again, no matter how in love I am.

What leads to this expectation though? That a girl who wants sex is not normal? What about the poor "cougars"?  (Or "dragons" as they call them in Sweden?) There's a whole stereotype about them just because they're free to explore their sexual natures, at their sexual peak, and who wouldn't want it to be with a physically fit man who you don't intend on forming an emotional connection?

Why are girls thought of as slutty if they want to have sex?

I know there's appeal in the innocent girl who is unaware of her sexuality. But what about the innocent girl who has grown into her sexuality and finds that instead of being appalled, disgusted, or any other stigma ground into us from a young age, is excited and happy to experience it? Why is that not an attractive stereotype? Why does it always have to be the innocent, the prude, or the slut?

Are guys intimidated by a nice, sexual girl? Do they think maybe they won't live up to our standards? Does it take the cocky young stag (a dragon slayer), to be able to satisfy the dragon just because he doesn't have doubt in his own abilities?

Who installs these doubts? Is someone going around telling people they're not good at sex? How devastating would that be?

I'll tell you how devastating. I was 18 when I met my Ex, he did a pretty good job of breaking down what I was trying to do and degrading me for it. It definitely left me with less desire to try when I was younger. I gained in confidence as I got older. Maybe this intimidated him. We also didn't kiss, seriously he didn't like to. I worried it was my fault. After our break up, turns out I'm pretty amazing at kissing, one of my #1 compliments. :D

If you're going to critique your partner, do so gently. Don't even tell them what you don't like (unless they're hurting you or something, I can see mentioning that), tell them what you like. Tell them you want to do that more. Tell them you want to try other things.

Sorry, this went off on a tangent.

Anyway, the point is. I like sex. And I don't want to be ashamed about it, or nervous that a guy will think I'm skanky or a slut because I like it. And, guys that might read this blog now or in the future, don't protest to me how different you are and how much you would love to meet a girl like me. I know. I hear it all the time. But you're not here and I wouldn't necessarily like, much less love you. Your protesting is for naught.

Make the world a different place by sticking up for the "slutty" girl, or the "cougar" as opposed to making fun of them when your buddies are and maybe then I'll believe you. Until then, suck it.

Officially Single!

My certificate came in the mail on Friday! :D

How do I feel? Good. I almost had a panic attack on Friday when I got it, but I didn't. I headed it off at the pass, so to say. Why panic? It's just a piece of paper.

Does this mean boy2 asked me to be his girlfriend? No. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he just sucks. I'll give it a couple weeks. Maybe he has something in mind. Or maybe he doesn't. If he doesn't, there's going to be hell to pay.

As in, why am I not seeing other people? Besides the whole being in love with him and comparing every other guy to him, I mean....

Sigh, can I mention again that I'm an idiot? I know I am.

I could still break up with him and make my life easier? Probably not.

He came over late Friday night, he's been working really long hours, so I don't blame him for that. Spent the night and we went to breakfast. Still I told him I want to see him more next week. He should have next Friday off, so I expect us to go out or something.

Should not have driven home on Saturday night after going out with friends. I'm trying not to make this a pattern. I had told myself I wouldn't drink that much when we went out because I would have to drive (too far away for the bus), but it was a whole bunch of people I hadn't seen in a long time and they asked a lot of questions and I got nervous. So I drank more. And more. And then I shouldn't have driven but I did anyway. I feel like the college friend that you steal the keys of so they won't drive.

And then I drunk called boy2.... I wanted him to come over (uh ok, I was drunk, horny, and I wanted company, seriously feeling lonely at this point), he said no. I don't remember most of the conversation. But this morning he called and apologized. Said he didn't feel good the night before and couldn't. Still, was he not feeling good or did he just not want to see me?

This is why I didn't want to be emotionally attached this soon. I'm an idiot.

On another note, I went snowboarding by myself today. Flirted with a French guy. If my face hadn't been so numb I probably could have done a better job of it. Ha! Ce la vie!

Why it's great to be single

Why it's great to be single:

1. I can do embarrassing things and bodily functions and I don't have to worry about appearing unattractive or, god forbid, absolutely disgusting. (when not in public, of course)
2. I can make plans and go out when I want, without consulting with or taking anyone else into consideration.
3. When I work late, I feel more like I accomplished something and less like I'm missing out on life.
4. If I want to, I can not shower and stay in PJ's all weekend and not feel guilty about it.
5. I can spend my money how and where I want.
6. I can go on dates, go to the bar by myself.
7. I can laugh load and obnoxiously and no one to complain.
8. I feel like I can make stupid jokes and not be judged, you either like me or you don't. And I'm a dork, and I like dumb jokes and I laugh really loud (I mean I had a rep in college, seriously. Ask the KD ladies!)
9. I can drink by myself and not feel guilty? Yeah ok, despite what my shrink keeps preaching, the guilt happens no matter what I tell myself. :P

Things that suck about being single:

1. No one cares when you get home.
2. No one is there for you to make dinner for, or for them to make dinner for you.
3. I feel guilty about drinking alone.
4. Despite only having 1 kitty, I kinda feel like a crazy cat lady. It might be all the talking I do to my kitty. Yep, probably that.
5. I like cuddling and touching a lot. I want kisses and hugs and seeing a guy, who I love, who works 11 hour days and drive 1.5 hours each way means I don't get to see him on weekdays. I miss cuddling!!

BTW, Jane Seymour on How I Met Your Mother, as a cougar, soooo awesome.

Visit my other blog, A Resolution Everyday, it's so much more cheerful!

I feel judged

A lot. I never really expected to feel this way. After all, I didn't instigate my divorce. But I feel like there's a stigma attached. I mention that I'm getting a divorce and the topic is dropped and a look ensues.

I don't know, it's hard to describe... I feel judged.

Just wanted to let you know.

Where I stand a week later

Still in love. Feeling less panicky about it, a little more resentful of being in love.

Why? Because all those reasons I listed before for not being in love still apply! (Except for the sex one, he's really stepped it up recently.)

Not only that, but here's some more.

1. Am I the only one who doesn't see boy2 as "the other guy"?? It's not like I wear my wedding ring. I turned in all the paperwork and so has the Ex, we can't go back now. In a couple weeks I'll have a certificate in my hand saying "Congratz! You're no longer part of a married couple!" Not only that, but I've been divorced in my heart since maybe 6 weeks after finding out originally. Sure I still have the occasional break-down, which others could interpret as me missing my spouse. And to some extent, they're right. I miss living with someone, depending on someone, having a partner, the life and future we had planned. I'm still grieving that a little. But not the partner himself.
1. Side note: today, after turning in the final paperwork, I felt so free. I can almost feel friendly towards the Ex. Not in a way like I would ever want to be with him again. But like I could, probably, see him at a group function and not want to tear his eyes out. So what he's a dick? We're settling everything fairly and I'm happy. For the past two days I've been genuinely joyful. Maybe it's being in love again. Maybe it's just the almost freedom of turning in that paperwork, but I feel great. And I feel like his presence couldn't affect me. I don't know if I'd like to test this yet, but it's a good feeling to have.
2. Boy2 has major temper issues. He almost took one of my friends (I'll admit, said friend fits into Socially Awkward Penguin perfectly, and said something pretty insulting. Actually, here's a perfect Socially Awkward Penguin for the situation, see below... There's something to be said for being able to take things in stride though.) out back and gave him a beating after an unfortunate comment with unfortunate timing. 

Definitely wrong person to make this joke too. >.<

So now I realize that all my friends are really abrasive. I can't help it, I like sarcasm, stupid jokes and a little condescension so I don't feel bad when I do it back. And I can be downright mean. So what does this mean? Now, not only am I afraid to introduce boy2 for fear he'll decide to beat one of my friends up (and with a few exceptions, Nita's hubby, some of my college friends, he could probably take them pretty easily), I'm afraid my friends are jerks and any future guys I date won't be able to stand up to them. But I wouldn't want to be friends with a bunch of saps, how boring!! Ahh, brain aneurysm!

On a totally different note, my new, fancy, $200 (that only cost me $100 because it was on sale) keyboard arrived today. It's so awesome! I wanted to game on it all night, and what did I do? I ended up blogging instead. On 2 different blogs. Sigh. Sometimes I'm such an idiot.

New Blog

Don't worry, I'm going to continue to write this one. But when I had an epiphany this morning about my New Years Resolution (or lack of one), I decided to start a blog that I could let my friends know about (unlike this one, which is anonymous.

I just wanted to share it with you, dear readers, since I've put so much work into it this evening.

A Resolution Everyday

I'll do an update post in a minute so you know what's going on in my world as far as dating, divorce and recovery. :)