Confrontation and Me

I'm not very good at confrontation. I tend to hold all my anger, resentment, jealousy, all the "bad" thoughts inside until they burst out all at once.

I never yell at Waiters/waitresses, I'm always polite, I smile at people and look them in the eye. I'm a big believer of what goes around comes around or the Golden Rule.

For a couple months after the breakup I was having confrontations over some of the stupidest stuff. Please reference this blog post if you don't believe me. Then I leveled off into a semblance of my more normal self.

Sure my patience levels seem to have gone down significantly, but I still smile at random people, say please, thank you, and excuse me. I hold stuff in that I get upset with boy2 about, (Btw, I really try to tell boy2, but I open my mouth and nothing comes out.) and otherwise suppress anything that might be negative.

I think I've been able to do this much more because boy2 is so openly confrontational. Not with me, just everyone else in the world. He has no qualms about telling someone they were rude for cutting in line, or threatening to take someone out back because they couldn't just let something go.

Mind you, I don't know if I'm attracted to this or appalled. Maybe both.

On the one hand, his ability to confront people let's me live vicariously without having to resort to the crazy girl who fought an old man over an arm rest. Not only that, but I find his confidence in himself to be able to follow up on his temper appealing in a very primal manner. (My man can hunt, fish and defend my honor, booyah!)

On the other hand, I can't say I haven't been embarrassed when he's been taking stuff too far. I feel like if I stay with boy2, I could easily be over-tipping for the rest of my life trying to make it up to various people in the service industry.

And as proud as I was of myself for confronting that jerk of an old man, I was also deeply ashamed of myself. I don't even think I've ever told boy2 about it, and that was the weekend we began talking, so you'd think it would be a hot topic!

Also, I think I've learned a lot by observing boy2. It may be a lack of confidence that leads him to be so confrontational over the little stuff. Or sometimes it may be too much confidence. I know it's my lack of confidence that often leads me to not confront other people. But I think that feeling bad about myself made me want to confront that old guy way more than I would otherwise be willing to. Wow, that's just confusing.

I gotta find a happy middle ground. But where is it? Is anyone out there completely happy with their confrontation levels? Are people who are more confrontational naturally happier? (I'm basing off the assumption that they probably win more.) Or are they sadder because they're always irritated/annoyed with someone?

I kinda want to get into a fist fight. Just to try it out. I think I could win. :) (As long as I wasn't still hurting from all my recent injuries!)