Fuuuuuuuck

How did I fall in love? When did this happen?

I feel like I've regressed. I've been having panic attacks all night. Sure he said he loves me too, but how long will that last?

Fuck fuck fuck. I felt so much better when I was in denial. I can't fix this anymore by breaking up with him either. I hate love. My life would be so much calmer if I didn't fall in love. If I could just enjoy a persons company.

I might throw up, I certainly feel nauseous enough.

What do I do?

How did this happen? Oh I decided to mention that I could get a date just fine if he already had plans for New Years Eve. Much fighting later, with him pointing out that he hadn't even thought about talking to another girl, he said he'd get back to me asap so I could make plans for New Years Eve. I said not to bother I wouldn't be making any plans, I'd just stay at home like a freak. He asked why, and I mumbled "because I'm fucking in love with you, you idiot." He insisted on me repeating this several times till he could hear me clearly. Then he laughed! I don't know what to make of that reaction. And he said, "So I'm an idiot?" I yelled back "That's what you got out of that???" He laughed some more and told me he loved me too. He had to say it a couple of times for me to believe him. And after I hung up, I immediately didn't believe him. How's that for crazy?

Here's the voice's in my head's reactions:

Shrink: Relax, let it flow.
BFF: It's ok to be scared
Eates: Isn't it fun? (Btw, eates, not right now, and I miss you. Between work and vacation it's been too long)
Nita: I have no idea what you'd say. Probably something super insightful though that would make me feel tons less crazy. Can we go out and drink please?

Why am I so upset? Because, I didn't realize it before I said it, but I just gave him permission to hurt me all he wants. And I was just feeling better, more confident. It's not like I think he'll purposely hurt me. (I hope I wouldn't fall in love with that kind of guy... not again at least.) But I'm so easily hurt lately. The littlest things feel like rejection, and that rejection feels like a punch in the gut.

I don't want to be crazy girl that hurts all the time from imaginary rejection and jealousy.

Besides, we've been dating for 2.5 months and we haven't been around each other for him to get over my initial charm. (I find that boys fall in love with me easily, it's really not all that hard. I'm pretty good at putting the breakers on it when I'm not dating a guy...) Nor has he really met this crazy side that is freaking out from trust issues right now. He's probably going to decide he doesn't love me shortly.

Not only that, but now I'm scared shitless that he'll find this blog. I'm pretty sure some intense Googling will come up with my profile and from there this blog. I didn't tell him all the details of who I was seeing... not like on this blog. Not to mention the frequency that I talk about him on here, and most of it not complimentary. Trying to find faults and convince myself not to let this happen.

Likelihood of him Googling and finding this blog? Pretty low. Likelihood of me torturing myself with the possibility? Really high. Really really high.

So what do I do? Try to hide the blog better to become more anonymous? Delete the blog? Or delete selective posts? Right now, I'm leaning towards the last option. At least un-publish them. So if things go missing, dear readers, I'm sorry. You can console yourself with knowing that when he no longer loves me, I'll just put them right back up and continue blogging.

This blog post was written while listening to the Daft Punk radio station on Pandora.