Yes, my idealistic goals of this blog (besides my selfish reasons of cathartic release from writing), is the hope that this blog will help some poor girl in the future who might be going through the same thing. If she gets to laugh at or with me in the process, then my goal has truly been achieved. (Or guy, a guy could do this too... seems less likely... hmmm)
Ok, that was a nice break to reiterate my goals and hopes for this blog, now on to the update and new things I'm worrying about today.
Using the advice of my BFF and her boyfriend last night, I asked the boy on a couple dates (because it turns out I can't stand limbo and this is what I wanted to do anyway, not wait on him.... it was pointed out to me that I am an organizer not a participator, and any guy who I like better like that about me, because being placid and letting him organize will not last for very long in any relationship with me).
So, I asked him to hang out and watch a movie tonight (Shaolin Soccer if you were wondering), and I asked if he'd like to go with my group of friends to the Delmont Apple Festival on Saturday. The Saturday thing is kinda a big deal as he'll be meeting a large majority of my Pittsburgh friends. He seems excited about both and excited I asked him. So that takes care of that fear. As the BFF's boyfriend pointed out, if he didn't want to see me he would've made up some excuse not to.
Other than nervous, happiness about seeing him tonight, and introducing him to the friends, I'm a lot more calm about dating in general. My friends are right, if he wasn't happy to see me, he wouldn't agree to stuff. And if I want to see him and want to ask, I should just ask.
So what am I not calm about today? Doc, on Monday, said the next time I felt a panic attack coming on, I should try to evaluate why I feel scared and write it down. (Journal, whatever. I told her I blog, I'm not writing multiple things).
I feel like I'm having a panic attack right now, and after thinking about it, here's why:
- There's a lot of things I haven't told boy b/c they haven't come up and they're not pleasant things to talk about. I probably wouldn't worry about telling him for a little while still (I mean we've only been dating for a week and a half), but they're coming to a point where if I don't tell him why I'm doing something, I'll be lying
1. I own a house with my ex-husband that I need to get fixed up and sell.
2. I haven't signed the divorce papers yet. This is my ex-husband's fault, hopefully this gets done in the next couple weeks. It then takes 90 (business?) days to be filed and processed in PA.
3. I'll be out of town all next weekend (this one's not that big of deal, just need to mention it).
4. And the big one.... Ex-husband said he's trying to come back to the US for a couple weeks so we can sign the divorce papers, etc.
- The big one... this is new news, and hopefully doesn't affect anything, except that I don't want to see him. I feel like he's invading my calm world. (Ok, it's not that calm, but it's getting calmer every day, and I feel like he's interfering with that). I don't know how people who have to normally live in the same city as their ex do it. I can't even stomach the thought of him on the same continent as me yet.
You may be thinking, why is she so panicky about the ex being in town, it's not like she has to see him. So here's the deal. He's a master manipulator. I can tell you that his main goal in coming back to the US now is not to sign divorce papers with me... we could do that via the mail even though it might be slower. His main goal is to come back and try to gather support with friends and try to prove to them that I'm "not mad with him". He'll do this by trying to trap me in situations where he knows I won't want to react emotionally. How will he do this? By getting invited to activities and not telling me he's coming. So it'll be like * surprise!, you thought you were going to relax and have fun today, and now that you're here and can't gracefully get out of the situation, he's going to try and prove how "friendly" you both are*
Now, you may be thinking, surely she is overreacting. Maybe, but I doubt it. I know him very well. I knew when he was cheating on me, though I kept denying it... I could always finish his sentences, or even say them before he said them, I've seen him do stuff like this to other people. The only hope I have is that friends will have the courtesy to warn me if they invite him to things, so I can bail.
I've evaluated why I'm having a panic attack... did it help? nope. Thanks Doc. :P
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