Evaluation Of My Mental State

It's been almost a month since I wrote the "My Story" blog post, and I feel like I've come to terms with a lot of things in that time, so I thought I'd go over some of that so you know where I stand.

I've come to the conclusion that my ex was right. We hadn't been in love for years. I thought I would miss him more. I really don't. I miss the security of my marriage and knowing where my future was, but I don't miss him. And if he hadn't been cheating on me, I really feel like I could get over this a lot faster. Which leads me to my next thought...

I don't think all men are scum, but I don't feel like I can trust any of them. Ever. Again.  I really hope I move past this one, it's making me exceedingly anxious. Like as in I feel like I've been having a panic attack all day (literal, not metaphorical). Mainly because I feel like I'm damaged and I'll never be trusting again. And I don't want to be damaged. So since I can't stop cyclically thinking about it... yeah.

He was a dick for years, but I couldn't acknowledge it. I made all sorts of excuses for him. Only recently have I been able to confront that I let him treat me like that. I'm determined never to be treated like that again.

I am ready to be divorced. I no longer have that fantasy of him changing his mind all of a sudden and realizing what a terrible mistake he made. I just want to be completely separate from him (more separate than oceans can make me), no more shared money. No more house together. Papers signed and done.

I think I'm in love and minus the trust issues above, I'm ecstatic. I love being in love. It's wonderful and dizzying. Right now, I hope it lasts forever. But if it doesn't, I know I'll be ok.

That's my current mental state, so you know where I am now and in future posts. I feel like I'm making good progress towards that goal of being recovered by 6months. 2 months down. 4 months to go!