I started dating a new guy over the weekend. He's sweet and we have a ton in common. Minus a whole bunch of stuff I said I'd never get involved with.(You know, all the filtering rules you set out with when you start dating) I know it's probably a terrible idea to get involved with him, I can already feel it heading straight for disaster........ but is this my logical/practical side? Or am I being emotionally damaged and just assuming that any relationship will lead to disaster?
I don't want to be the psycho girl, I really really don't. I hate drama. I would much rather be in a comfortable relationship with absolutely no drama. (Question: Do the people that cause drama hate it too? Or do they secretly love it? Oh god, maybe I am a drama person and I always assumed that people that create drama like it but they never did. *Head Explodes*)
So why do I think this relationship is going to be bad? He's admitted to having emotional issues (chronic depression, a little borderline personality disorder, you know, the usual) and I know I have issues. It just seems that no matter how much we like each other now or how hard we try in the future that without one of us being stable, we're doomed.
If we were dogs, Cesar Millan would never let us in the same room.
But I love the way he makes me feel.I enjoy talking to him, doing stuff with him. I love the way he treats me (like a princess), and I just love the way I feel when we're together. When we're apart though, I start freaking out, and this is really really hard for me to admit because I know it's psycho, that's why I'm not acting on it. I keep talking myself out of bringing up topics and asking questions. So here's all the current crazies going through my brain. (Keep in mind, to make this even crazier, thought we've been emailing/texting for a week, we met each other in person 2 days ago)
What if he doesn't like me as much as I like him? He's got a girl "best friend", who he casually mentioned he used to have a thing with. What if he really likes her and is using me to make her jealous? Is it psycho that I'm already jealous of her? (yes, yes it is) He earns quite a bit less than me (ok, I know this sounds shallow, but I've always though that big money gaps can lead to problems in the future, it's not a what can I buy thing, I can always buy myself whatever I want, it's that male/female thing), what if he gets insecure about it? He's got emotional issues, me too(temporary, hopefully, though they may be), what if this is a really really bad idea?
And then, to top it all off, I worry that (knowing this is psycho and feeling very emotionally damaged) this is permanent. Maybe this isn't something temporary that I'll get over eventually. Maybe my stupid ex left me super damaged and I will always feel like this. And that's the part that makes me want to cry.
I shouldn't worry about all this stuff, I should just relax and enjoy what I have with him right now and damn the consequences...
You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to ride it, try really hard to keep my psychoses inside me and enjoy what I'm doing right now.
I'm used to being a practical, confident, stable person. All these crazy emotions, ups and downs are freaking me the f*ck out. :D
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