So today was a little evaluation of self day...
First thing to realize is that I am a bum. I somehow manage to know what I should do, but don't get up and do it lately. A small for instance is the majority of today. I slept in til 9 and when I finally did get up I put on workout clothes and promptly laid down on the couch for the next 6 hours only getting up for food and a blanket while watching Encino Man, Yes Man, and Old School. I knew I needed to workout and mow the yard and do laundry today, but I have reverted back to not being adult enough to do things I need to do or something. I ended up mowing 2/3rds of the yard before running out of gas and only because I knew I'd hear the question "What did you do today?" This is so not good on so many levels and extends into my work as well, if I'm honest.
Another thing that I'm not happy with is my high school girl way of valuing myself lately based on others. I wasn't even like this in high school, maybe junior high. I have become obsessed with whether I am wanted. Wanted by idiot men, but also almost anyone around me too. I have become concerned with whether someone likes me and when is the other shoes gonna drop. Guys, yes, obviously, but also co-workers, my boss, girls at class, and even oldest friends. I realize this insecurity isn't good, but I also don't know how to connect/make it go away. Then I miss the feeling of security I would have with M, which makes me mad because logically I want to point out that I wasn't this neurotic before. Frustrated with self.
I need to figure out what I want. I want a relationship, but I don't feel like I can put any decent amount of effort into one right now. I just don't care enough. I want the satisfaction and security and friendship that comes with most relationships, I just want it right now. I don't want to wait and work to that. I am tired of it all right now. Like haven't I paid my dues yet? I need to lay off pursuing anything until I can figure this out. I am not so good at choosing soundly lately.
I guess basically I need to work on me and how things around me impact me and stop ignoring them with the focus on odd physical relations. We'll see. Admitting that my life is not where I want it is all I can do right now.
It's ok to feel like this too. I still feel like this a lot. I feel a lot better than I did a month ago even. Or a month before that, etc. It just takes time.
ReplyDeleteAnd, btw, wanting that validation, that proof that you are wanted and liked and desirable is legit too. Whether that be with guys or friends. And is still part of the reason why my social life is never ending, seemingly, and I'm exhausted a lot. My shrink assured me this is totally normal (thank god for shrinks) and calms down over time. So eventually, you won't want or need Mr. Charming, or Ty, or anyone else... but don't be disgusted by wanting them now. If they make you remember why you're awesome then they're serving a purpose.
Ok, except, don't get choked to death by Charming. lol!
BTW, you are awesome, and I wish we lived closer so we could hang out. :D