Another post about my feelings, and other mushy stuff

Thank god I have a blog to sort out my feelings. I'm sorry you have to suffer through this. Feel free to skip this posting, I won't be offended if you're tired of hearing about my dating trials and tribulations. Constantly evaluating myself and how I feel.

If, however, you've enjoyed my drama and ranting... read on!

I got up the courage today to text boy1 and tell him that if he plans on only drunk texting me in the future (has been the only contact for the last week really) that we should meet up and exchange stuff. I want my Shaolin Soccer DVD back, and I can give him back his book. Asked him what he was doing after work today. No response yet. I'm sure he's freaking himself out about this. But really I just want to make sure we don't have any strings attached. Tell him I really don't think I can do this dating thing, especially if his idea of "dating" is just drunk texting me without actually seeing or talking to me.

On another note, I like boy2 more and more. I'm worried I might just like being pursued though.

So here's a list to help me sort things out in my brain.

Things I like about boy2:

• He's pursuing me. (*cough* what did I just say?!)
• He has lot's of ambition and drive.
• He not only plays WoW, he's a GM of a successful raiding guild. I can't explain why I find this attractive, I just do.
• He snowboards.
• I like talking to him on the phone (I list this because it's rare. I'm an engineer/nerd, and if I can get away with not talking to people that's usually my preference.)

Things I don't like about boy2:

• He likes to argue. So do I, to some extent. And part of me is enjoying the challenge of our conversations. The other party of me feels irritated. Like I always have to be "on".
• Sex with him is not as good as with boy1. But I think that might just be me. I feel like I separated myself emotionally a little bit before I started dating this guy. And, as we all know, sex for a woman, is better if emotions are involved. I think this is probably true for everyone, but I think guys don't like to admit it.

Epiphany:
That's it, that's why I'm hesitating. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is actually just not attraction to boy2, or if I've separated myself emotionally, because I'll admit it, I've been feeling pretty hurt by boy1's rejection (even though my shrink assures me that it's mostly him and his issues and probably has very little to do with me). This would be alright if I wanted to use boy2 for sex and have some recovery time. But I don't think I do. I enjoy talking with him. I just have to go with some good advice. Just relax and try to enjoy myself.


It's strange to think that boy1 might have affected me so much. I'm betting it's not really him. I'm betting that since it was my first time putting myself out there (really extending myself emotionally) for the first time in 9 years, and it didn't end horribly (honestly, it could've been much worse given the factors), still, feeling even more cautious then before. As if your husband cheating on you isn't a good enough reason to be cautious and emotionally stunted. :)