My Final Letter to *you*

This is my final conclusion... this is what I have determined... I’m not crazy, I really am not. You see, my job was to find control failures, determine the cause, then provide solutions. That’s what I do, that’s how I work. So I can’t let go, I can’t let go until I provide my ‘report.’  With the lack of closure you’ve given me, I’ve had to do it on my own... This is what I have determined.. This is a way for me to, hopefully, move on from you.

I’m still calling bull shit on the fact that I sarcastic and non-seriousness and you couldn’t handle that. I am very light hearted most of the time, true, but not always. What I believe is really the problem, the fact you’ve never been with and strong and independent woman before.  This may come off mean or rude, but I honestly believe that I made you analyze yourself because I was the first one to stand up to you. I might have intimidated you. You might not have realized that is what is happening, but I don’t think you are as confident as you perceive yourself to be.  Instead of having a conversation about it and working with me, you walked away. Which still baffles my mind.  I also believe that being in a relationship with me might make you nervous.  Look at the people you surround yourself with. They need something from you. You fulfill a need for them and you know your place in their life.  Look at where you were in my life, you weren’t needed, you were wanted. You. Were. Wanted.   Wouldn’t you rather be wanted than needed? Isn’t that what you told me?  But back to the original point of your insecurities, I believe that was the root of our issues. I know I’m secure in myself, which when you would make comments, they wouldn’t bother me.  However, I can see now, how they affected you. I wish I wouldn’t have believed you were so secure with yourself. When talking with a friend the other day about this issue, I explained to her that if I had a problem with one of your qualities that I would have a. discussed it with you b. not even brought it up.  I thought I had explained that to you. But you obviously didn’t believe me. She agreed, she agreed that it is exactly how I am, because I’m not one to try to make people uncomfortable.  I think you were ridiculous.

Maybe what hurts me the most in this whole situation is knowing that you don’t even miss me. That you don’t even care.  When you’ve obviously meant something to me.  

There is a part of me that is sad for you. It’s sad because you don’t even realize what you are missing out because you never gave it a chance.  You judged me before you got to know me. What also hurts a bit is that you were the one who always said you hated when people brought past relationships into the present. Is that not what you did? Didn’t you Judge me? Didn’t you assume that I was the same as the others? I expected more from you. I did. I just hope that you can look at what happened between us and learn from it. If you don’t realize your faults, you’ll never find what you are looking for.  You will never find your happiness. That is sad to me.

What I’ve learned from this. I learned that I’m a woman that is going to take a strong and confident man to love me. I learned that I can love again and that I do want to marry someone again.  I learned that every time I date a guy, I keep choosing a guy closer and closer to who I want to be with. I learned that I am a woman worth being with, even if you don’t agree. I learned that I cannot wait to meet the guy for me, because I know the best days of my life have not even happened yet.   

BTW - Can I have my lady bug back that I left in your truck?

Thanks,
A damn good woman


P.S. My favorite quote:
It’s not okay that you hurt me, but I am okay. I deserve more, and I know that now. And maybe you knew that inside, that you couldn’t give me that yet. So you set me free. We would’ve been so great, you would never have wished for more than I would’ve given you. But you never gave it a chance. So now you’ll never know what could’ve been. Maybe someday you’ll regret it, maybe someday you’ll think it was the best decision you ever made, but maybe someday you’ll see me walking, smiling and happy, alongside someone who’s also smiling and happy because he has my heart. Maybe then you’ll stop and realize what you’re missing, because someday, someone is going to thank you for letting me go…

TwoXChromosomes

Seriously, how have I never known about this subreddit? It is all my feminist wants and needs in one happy place!

Gogogo!

Just sad...

I don't get why, if I wanted to break up with him, I'm so sad he hasn't called today? Dating is confusing. On one hand, I'll be happy to get back on Match.com and give it a look/see. On the other hand, I had a lot of good times with boy2, I'm sad that one fight seems to have killed his motivation to see me. Guess he wasn't that interested in the first place.

So, back to dating. Part of me thinks maybe I should take a break till after Christmas? I can get just sex if I want it, I'm not worried about that. :P But I like the things other than sex too. Plus, despite recent progress, I still feel really needy on the emotional end of things. It's just nice to have a guy pursue you.

Sticking to my guns...

(11:21pm Sunday)
I think I got two metaphors mixed up there... Still.

I am angry. I will not give in and text or call him. I want an apology. He was a dick to me.

He was half asleep... Might not even remember being a dick, or why I'm pissed at him.

Still, he knows I'm pissed at him. Why do guys always think it's a good idea to leave a girl alone when she's pissed? Maybe for a little while, after that I want to be pursued, apologized to and hugged. Hell, it probably wouldn't have gotten to the pissed stage if I had received a hug and a sorry almost immediately...

Maybe I could just text him "hey..." let him know I'm open to a coversation if he'd like to start apologizing.
But if I do that I lose all my power right?

Why am I even worried about it? I said I wanted to break up with him. This fight is as good of an opportunity as any. Is it just because I hate conflict this much? Maybe it's just that I want to make it clear why I'm pissed. Maybe I actually like him more then I've been willing to admit.

Dammit no, the sex still isn't that good. I want to date other guys, but I like having him around too. That's not fair.

I want him to want to contact me. So I can tell him he's a dick and he can apologize and then what? Grrr...
What if he didn't apologize? That would be bullsh*t and I wouldn't stand for it right? right?

I thought he would've called by now... (pitiful)

Update(2:41pm the Monday): I have to admit I broke down and texted him. Still I feel like my text was borderline. "Hey... you can call me if you want."

He did call about 20 minutes later. It wasn't the best conversation. With him telling me he wasn't going to change and me telling him I didn't care if he changed, but it didn't mean he could treat me like crap either... Yeah... He said he'd text me in the morning. No text. So if I don't hear from him today can I assume we're not dating anymore? Or do I have to actually say the words?

I don't know...

I don't know what to do with "our" stuff if it's not generic. For example, the Christmas ornaments we were collecting together where we wrote what we were doing and why we got it.

Do I throw them away? Keep them tucked away somewhere? I know what everyone says. Do what you feel like doing. I don't know what I feel like doing though. Part of me wants to trash them. Part of me thinks I might regret trashing what are essentially reminders of happy times. Like when we cruised with friends, it wasn't just the ex and I on that cruise...

I'm exhausted. Today was unexpectedly emotional. I feel all torn up inside and my stomach is still way upset. I'm supposed to do a late dinner with boy2, and I'm not even remotely close to hungry.

I didn't expect to be too overly upset at Christmas time. It was always more my thing anyways.

New stipulation in what I want in a boy- I want him to want to participate in Christmas. You know, putting up Christmas Lights, picking out a tree, music and gift exchanging. Just like other adventures, I don't want to feel like I'm dragging him along.

Btw, I should be upset or irritated that boy2's dinner date night has been delayed so much shouldn't I? I'm really not though... Thinking about taking a nap. If I see him tonight great. If not, I'm ok with that too. I should probably break up with him since I'm so cool with this.

Exercise

I might have mentioned in the past that I started working out as a way to reduce my anxiety. I don't want to make this an exercise/progress blog, but today I feel like I should talk about it.

I joined the YMCA downstairs so I can workout at lunch time. I started going 2-3 days a week. Mainly for the Wednesday Yoga and soon upped it to 3-4 days a week. I'm now at a steady 5 days a week unless a meeting prevents me from going.

I started out on the elliptical, just upping the resistance and making my heart pound and my limbs hurt. For a little while that extra tension in my chest from all the anxiety was overwhelmed by exercise.

Now though, I'm just addicted to the feeling I get from exercising. Mainly pride in myself for completing something I've never done before. (Because each time is more than I've ever done before.) I don't do the elliptical anymore. On Mondays and Tuesdays I do Spinning (or Studio Cycling, however you want to call it), on Wednesdays and Fridays I do Yoga, and on Thursdays I do something called Bosu Blast.

I haven't lost any weight since that first month when I still wasn't eating very much. But I've gone down 2 jean sizes. :)

Now I'm having issues like not being hydrated enough, and having to eat bananas  (I don't like bananas, they make the back of my throat itch) because I keep getting massive muscle cramps.

Why did I want to talk about this? Not only because it's the hot topic on my brain at the moment (I keep getting reminded by my muscles how much I've been working out), but because if someone were to ask me what the healthiest and/or best thing that has come out of my divorce thus far, I would have to say this habit of working out. Definitely. And if anyone were to ask my advice, if they were in a similar situation and wanted my advice that is, I would tell them that working out is something that will help, they should do it.

Not only the weight loss, but the muscle strength that I'm building makes me feel more confident. More like me. I never knew that exercise would make me happy. In fact, in the past, I've been known to say I would never work out that I hated it and I especially hated running. (I still do hate running actually. Where are you running to? No where! Make fun of my cycling will ya?... :P)

And Yoga brings a peace to my mind that I can experience in no other way right now (except maybe sex).

So, today, every single muscle hurts... but in the future I will be stronger, more flexible, and toned. And I'm so ridiculously proud that I can touch my toes!

A Happy Post

I'm determined to write one, since I always write when I'm introspective or sad.

Today, I got plenty of sleep. Last night, I finally put all those CD's I bought a month ago onto my iPod and made a Snowboarding playlist, in anticipation of awesomeness.I just realized that awesomeness is a real word and not something I made up, because spell-checker works on it. I made a lot of progress on work yesterday. Today is the AWMI Holiday Party/Happy Hour, in which they're paying for cocktails! (I love it when I don't have to pay for alcohol.)

Ok, I just googled AWMI to make sure if you were interested you could easily find out what that acronym meant. And the first thing that came up was Andrew Wommack Ministries. Let me assure you that I am talking about the second one down Association of Women in Metal Industries.

Note: If I use an acronym and don't explain it, it's because I've Googled it to make sure it's easily find-able for interested parties. That way the rest of you can ignore it if you want. BTW, Googled is apparently not a word. I'm going to continue to use it though, because if I say "searched" you'll be under the impression you can use Yahoo or Ask.com or any old search engine and it will be fine. It won't. Use Google always folks. Your search results depend on it.

It's Thursday, so close to the weekend. Tomorrow, there's a Happy Hour with good friends at the Rivertowne Pourhouse. (That place is awesome!!! Great Beer, good food. Very cozy.) Saturday, BFF, her not-bf, and I are going Christmas Tree hunting. Saturday evening, boy2 is apparently making me dinner. Sunday, BFF and I are making Christmas crafts! (Ooooo, I love being crafty!)

So, in general, I am happy today. Not very productive thus far, but happy.

Like I said, there are good and bad days. The emotional scale has been up and down. Which is why I sometimes (ok a lot) feel crazy. I'm not used to all these ups and downs. Still, the shrink promises I'm not crazy for reals.