The Crazies

Despite reassurances given by multiple people, I was pretty sure I wasn't going crazy even before my new therapist said so. (Though it did give me pause that they felt the urge to tell me I wasn't...)

Yesterday, I went to a psychologist for the first time ever. Ever, ever.

How was it? Devastating was the first word that came to mind. Doc (that's what I'm going to call her) was very good at poking and prodding subjects that I had been doing a pretty good job of ignoring. I felt emotionally drained, beat-up, but better for having talking about a lot of stuff that I didn't feel comfortable talking about with friends (or even you dear readers).

Observations from a first timer:

• There was a couch! I didn't lie down on the couch, but I sat on it. Still, way to fulfill my stereotype expectations!
• Super Awkward - Umm, you're talking to a stranger about some of your most private stuff. I don't typically like talking about my emotions (*cough* except in the anonymous forum of my blog apparently), at least the negative ones I usually keep to myself. I like to make people's days brighter, I'm not a complainer. So though I feel super awkward confessing my deepest fears to a stranger, it's a relief to be able to talk about them and not feel guilty about bringing someone else's day down. 
• I don't really know the difference between Counselors, Therapists, Psychologists and Psychiatrists. So I'll probably call Doc all or any of those. To clarify though for future reference, she is a Psychologist.
• Even when I'm feeling super emotionally unstable, I'm apparently still more stable than most people. (eg, I never, ever thought about suicide; I realize that my panic attacks are panic attacks and though I can't stop them I know they'll pass; I know that one day I will feel better and that going to Therapy is one step along that path.) Side Rant: I feel really disgusted with people who think suicide is an answer. Even considering it is cowardly and stupid. How could you be so disdainful of this gift that is life?? Even if you don't believe in God (actually maybe especially if you don't believe in God), you shouldn't even think about wasting this chance to live and love on the Earth. If you ever consider suicide, send me a message, I'll yell you straight! ***Disclaimer- this might actually be a bad idea because I would definitely tell you how stupid you're being and that seems like it might have an opposite effect.

So do I recommend therapy/psychology, whatever? Right now, sure. In a couple weeks, I don't know... I guess we'll find out. :)

Evaluation Of My Mental State

It's been almost a month since I wrote the "My Story" blog post, and I feel like I've come to terms with a lot of things in that time, so I thought I'd go over some of that so you know where I stand.

I've come to the conclusion that my ex was right. We hadn't been in love for years. I thought I would miss him more. I really don't. I miss the security of my marriage and knowing where my future was, but I don't miss him. And if he hadn't been cheating on me, I really feel like I could get over this a lot faster. Which leads me to my next thought...

I don't think all men are scum, but I don't feel like I can trust any of them. Ever. Again.  I really hope I move past this one, it's making me exceedingly anxious. Like as in I feel like I've been having a panic attack all day (literal, not metaphorical). Mainly because I feel like I'm damaged and I'll never be trusting again. And I don't want to be damaged. So since I can't stop cyclically thinking about it... yeah.

He was a dick for years, but I couldn't acknowledge it. I made all sorts of excuses for him. Only recently have I been able to confront that I let him treat me like that. I'm determined never to be treated like that again.

I am ready to be divorced. I no longer have that fantasy of him changing his mind all of a sudden and realizing what a terrible mistake he made. I just want to be completely separate from him (more separate than oceans can make me), no more shared money. No more house together. Papers signed and done.

I think I'm in love and minus the trust issues above, I'm ecstatic. I love being in love. It's wonderful and dizzying. Right now, I hope it lasts forever. But if it doesn't, I know I'll be ok.

That's my current mental state, so you know where I am now and in future posts. I feel like I'm making good progress towards that goal of being recovered by 6months. 2 months down. 4 months to go!

Therapy... or not

Do therapists not realize that if they don't call you back for a while they're making the person, who already feels rejected in their personal life, feel even more rejected?

This is not a good policy folks. I mean, I'm feeling pretty emotionally damaged, but I've always been a stable confident person before this. I can't imagine what this kind of treatment would do to someone who was really unstable.

What they really need is a friggin receptionist.

Reddit Dating Discussion

To anyone who hasn't been on Reddit before... be careful when you go on the main site. There may be content you don't want your children/co-workers to see.

But I promise this one is Safe For Work, or home or anything else.

I found this live discussion on Reddit to be absolutely fascinating. While the questioner is a little young for reference in my life, I feel like some universal truths were discussed/discovered here.

Like "Nice guys don't finish last. But wimpy guys that let girls walk all over them do. Being Masculine and standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean you're a douche-bag."

Agreed and Nice.

Therapy

Today I feel like I need therapy. Since I have yet to sign up for that, I'm going to use my blog as an outlet. :D Lucky You!

I started dating a new guy over the weekend. He's sweet and we have a ton in common. Minus a whole bunch of stuff I said I'd never get involved with.(You know, all the filtering rules you set out with when you start dating) I know it's probably a terrible idea to get involved with him, I can already feel it heading straight for disaster........ but is this my logical/practical side? Or am I being emotionally damaged and just assuming that any relationship will lead to disaster?

I don't want to be the psycho girl, I really really don't. I hate drama. I would much rather be in a comfortable relationship with absolutely no drama. (Question: Do the people that cause drama hate it too? Or do they secretly love it? Oh god, maybe I am a drama person and I always assumed that people that create drama like it but they never did. *Head Explodes*)

So why do I think this relationship is going to be bad? He's admitted to having emotional issues (chronic depression, a little borderline personality disorder, you know, the usual) and I know I have issues. It just seems that no matter how much we like each other now or how hard we try in the future that without one of us being stable, we're doomed.

If we were dogs, Cesar Millan would never let us in the same room.

But I love the way he makes me feel.I enjoy talking to him, doing stuff with him. I love the way he treats me (like a princess), and I just love the way I feel when we're together. When we're apart though, I start freaking out, and this is really really hard for me to admit because I know it's psycho, that's why I'm not acting on it. I keep talking myself out of bringing up topics and asking questions. So here's all the current crazies going through my brain. (Keep in mind, to make this even crazier, thought we've been emailing/texting for a week, we met each other in person 2 days ago)

What if he doesn't like me as much as I like him? He's got a girl "best friend", who he casually mentioned he used to have a thing with. What if he really likes her and is using me to make her jealous? Is it psycho that I'm already jealous of her? (yes, yes it is) He earns quite a bit less than me (ok, I know this sounds shallow, but I've always though that big money gaps can lead to problems in the future, it's not a what can I buy thing, I can always buy myself whatever I want, it's that male/female thing), what if he gets insecure about it? He's got emotional issues, me too(temporary, hopefully, though they may be), what if this is a really really bad idea?

And then, to top it all off, I worry that (knowing this is psycho and feeling very emotionally damaged) this is permanent. Maybe this isn't something temporary that I'll get over eventually. Maybe my stupid ex left me super damaged and I will always feel like this. And that's the part that makes me want to cry.

I shouldn't worry about all this stuff, I should just relax and enjoy what I have with him right now and damn the consequences...

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to ride it, try really hard to keep my psychoses inside me and enjoy what I'm doing right now.

I'm used to being a practical, confident, stable person. All these crazy emotions, ups and downs are freaking me the f*ck out. :D

Filling my long lonely days

The title seemed appropriate as my days are neither long nor lonely. :) The days are actually speeding by and despite moments of self-doubt and lack of self-worth and hating the guy that did this to me, are mostly cheerful happy days, looking forward to the future.

So what've I been doing to keep busy?

• I started work finally last week! I can't say it's the best job in the world (I imagine the best job is test driving race cars to make sure they're awesome or something), but it's definitely something I don't mind doing.
• I'm really really proud of my ability to use public transportation to get to work. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I've never ridden the bus before (minus Korea!), it's not as bad as you'd think, though I much prefer Chicago's system of Elevated Trains to the bus any day.
• I'm still unpacking! Egad (yes, egad), At this rate I'll never be done. There are boxes piled in the movie room and a half assembled bed and desk.  >.<
• I went to Charlotte, NC over labor day weekend to see friends. That was a lot of fun!
• Happy hours with friends. A lot of Happy Hours. :D  (They say drinking won't solve anything, but I'll tell you what, it can make you feel a lot better for a short period of time!)
• Big Bang marathon with friends (where they feed me... yay!!)
• Ghost Whisperer marathon with BFF (no food, but still yay!)
• Dating! Well, besides the guy below I've been texting with another guy who I'm hoping to meet this week.

What I want to do in the near future:

• I just tried out the YMCA at lunch time today. I think I can handle exercising every day. Especially if I like a class or two.
• See more of my friends that live around the country. Travelling to Rochester, St. Louis, Colorado, New Orleans, apparently Cincinnati (that's this weekend, for Octoberfest!), back to college for homecoming (that's next month).
• Take a fun community college class. Maybe wine tasting, or cooking, or some other craftiness.
• Finish unpacking. Someday this will be done, someday
• Sign up to start taking classes towards my masters. I'm thinking Duquesne University. I'll be getting my MBA, so Duquesne has the same accreditation as Harvard... and it's in my budget. Best of both worlds!
• Go Horsie riding (yes horsie!! When you only do it a couple times a year it's horsie riding!).
• Dating! I can't wait to meet more people. I'll probably hold off on the sex a little longer this time though. ;)

If you're going through something similar and are reading this blog looking for guidance, support, and overall a laugh, I recommend activities (and dating!), staying busy. You're still going to have those completely awful moments, but the longer time goes on, the less they happen and the more you think about the future and less about the past. In the meantime, distraction is good! (And a little alcohol!)

What is Sexting?

Sorry about the delay between posts. I went down to visit friends over Labor Day weekend, drank and ate way too much, and then started work on Tuesday. So it's been a busy week thus far.

On to the topic. What is Sexting? Sexting is something I never did with my husband. I always thought it was silly and I couldn't get into it at all. (Note: It's not effective if your partner laughs everytime you try.)

Definition: Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs, primarily between mobile phones. The term was first popularized around 2005, and is a portmanteau of sex and texting, where the latter is meant in the wide sense of sending a text possibly with images.

But recently, with the below mentioned sexcapade, I experienced sexting that was a true turn on.

What made it effective? I can't say it was the phrasing. Re-reading some of the texts now is just embarrasing, but at the time was wonderful. Always before I had asked myself "What do people say when they sext??" And I could never find an answer. So here's a first. Despite the embarrasment to myself, I will posts some examples of sexting for your reference: (Not Safe For Work! Highlight to see!)



OMG, I'm not going to do that, you dirty perv! Lol, tricked you!




In hindsight, that actually might be a good sext, depending on what you were going for. :D



Anyway, I recommend starting with something along the lines of a normal conversation and getting dirtier from there. Don't try to dive right in... that'll get you that laugh you're hoping not to get. Make a sexual joke and then take it further from there. You'll soon find yourself in a conversation you would be embarrassed to have a coworker see.  ;)

Good luck and have fun!