Ok, so I dunno what I was thinking, but I invited him over to the hotel last night when he was done moving to talk. He went out drinking with his new roommate for a couple hours before coming here, so he didn't come over until about 1am. He kept asking if I was ok with him coming over. I told him I felt strong enough and could have a normal conversation with him if he'd like and that was all that would happen.
Ok, so it was alright. We talked until about 5am about what he was gonna change, what our boundaries were and he told me the full story of his and Erin's story. From when they first met in undergrad as friends to current... I don't really know why I asked for this story, but it was something I really wanted. He's not a bad guy. Good guys screw up too. I'd done some internetin' the past couple days and we started talking about what he thought his vows meant and that I think she still loves him and would probably try again if he asked. He said he didn't love her as anything more than a friend and as B's mother. I asked if he really heard himself, because I guess I think that's kinda what happens in relationships and isn't the end of the world. I asked him if he'd consider counseling with her to find time to work on their relationship as a couple. He's against this and doesn't see the point, so I said maybe after things calm down he should ask her to do divorce counseling and at least find a common friendship since they will continue to deal with each other as parents for graduations, weddings and grandkid birthdays. I don't think he understood why I was playing counselor for him, and I don't think I completely understand either. I guess because I think he should exhaust all options before getting a divorce maybe. It was about 6am when we were both about to fall over, so he slept here.
I met her for lunch at panera at 11:30. She basically told me the same story, although her version edited out their major fights. She admits she was still having lunches and that it is a sexless emotional affair with that guy. That he knows she's married, but they both consider their lunches and dinners as an almost dating relationship. "Their relationship is so f'd up," is what I'm thinking by this point in my head and I'm seriously questioning why I'm involved still. She is telling me that he's been asking her to talk about divorce for about a year and a half. They've only had sex twice since September and the only reason she's refused to discuss it is because of B and every time she thinks of it, she panics and she started seeing a therapist secretly for the last two months. He still thinks her lunch dates ended in November. Then she explained what her life was before him and some pretty horrible graphic stuff happened before he helped her get cleaned up. We talked about the affair and what I did and didn't know then and now. I told her he came over and talked the night before. I told her what we talked about and that he did spend the night. She was upset understandably and then said that as angry as she was, she really missed him when he actually moved out. She asked me if I thought she could try again. What am I supposed to say? "I guess, I mean he's still your husband for the next couple months? Divorce is pretty final. Probably should have tried before now." (KS makes you wait 60 days from filing to set a court date, so there's at least that.) She laughed that I was so blunt and then admitted that she had been happy talking to lunch date guy and that the reason she took this job in KS was because she had done the same thing with a guy in Cali and thought moving would help. What? She told me her dr diagnosed her with depression and that she thinks she's known she's had those issues for a long time.
Hour and a half lunch. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad and with crying. I told her some of my past and we both agreed this was good for us. Honestly, it wasn't far in that I decided to keep my personal stuff mine, that's just how I am. But I ended up opening up a lot more than I thought. I kind of wish we'd met under different circumstances. It was awkward immediately when the order taker guy referred to me as her sister because we look very similar. Weird moments, and apparently Matt has a type. She's maybe got a couple lbs on me and freckles and her hair is about 3 inches shorter. It was interesting. I'm glad I went. Their relationship is messed up and I still hate that I was part of the problem at one point, but I have so much more perspective than before. And maybe it's a little sad, but I hope one day when I find the right guy I have nothing like their relationship. But I really like her and admittedly I still like him. I tell him he should exhaust every last avenue with her, and then say that I have tix to baseball games on these dates and to make sure he can go. So basically, I'm still a confused person, but I feel like I have all sides today. (And secretly, I like hearing other peoples love stories, even the rocky ones. Like every romance starts happy and hopeful and like a sappy romcom, but the details make them interesting.)
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