Got an email from M on my way to work. Sat in the parking lot fixing my make up after crying down 435 hwy. I read it a couple times, then responded pretty harshly. I didn't realize I was so angry. I was shaking while typing and could barely focus my thoughts. Then he responded and I cried at work. This happened twice more. Winner day at work.
Today was not a good day. I am nearly useless at work. I alternate from blindingly mad to missing him and ready to break down into tears. Although I have dismissed ideas of talking to a shrink in the past, I emailed our benefits lady to see if we have some kind of program or something.
Listen, Shrinks are the best thing ever. Someone that has to listen to you and not judge you. Nothing is better than that.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to let him in until you realize that you deserve better. I went through a similiar situation once... and once I let the emotions die down for a minute, I stopped and looked back and it was a total WTF moment. Why would I ever want someone that treated me that way? I deserve better. Honestly, I would NEVER want a kid to grow up like him. Then I felt bad for the guy. Because his life was so messed up that even he didn't know what he wanted. That was sad to me. I had to realize my own value and worth. Once I did, I saw him for who he was and be became far less attractive... One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard was... don't judge people by their words, but by their actions. Focus on the actions. Anyone can talk a great game, but only few can actually play it. You deserve better. Don't sell yourself short. He knows exactly how to manipulate you, and it's for you to rise above and leave the court.
Keep strong. It'll hurt for a while, as it should... but Don't let it destroy you. Don't ever let anyone who treats you like that destroy you.
Do it! Though, I keep calling mine a shrink, you probably only need a therapist unless you need drugs to sleep or something. (I really go to a therapist, not a shrink, I just like calling her a shrink... it's more fun.)
ReplyDeleteHaving friends like myself, or even Sarah is gonna help a ton, but being able to sob to someone you don't have to feel is judging you (even though we're not, I know it still feels like we are!) is amazingly helpful. Especially because they're so great at getting to the root of problems.
umm, Tracey we can help solve your problems but you need to tell us the specific nature of the communiques from M.
ReplyDeleteSave the money on the shrink. Kim thinks it helped her but really it's her unburdening here through cyber-kim that got her through.
It may help to completely cut ties. Block his email/number/and IMs! It is just prolonging the hurt to hear from him! You won't be able to respond to an email you don't receive!
ReplyDeleteA therapist can help...but I think the best advice ever is above! Eates said..would you want A kid to grow up like him?
And try hard to put yourself in his wife's shoes! That could be you if you would have been duped any further by this master manipulator!
I hope you start to heal...and keep blogging! It is cathartic...