Yesterday I went to my cousin's bridal shower with a bottle and a half of wine in me and no food. Yeah, not my best idea, I was charming until I destroyed a breadbowl and dip.
Today I woke up cracking up thinking of the movie M and I have been trying to watch for the last two months. The twist of the movie is that the guy was living dual lives with a couple women, except it's hilarious in the movie, not so awesome in my life.
Thank you, Freddie Mercury for somehow reminding me there is hope for love as I loudly sang the greatest hits.Then I feel bad for questioning Bruce Willis's proclamations of love in Fifth Element last night (Thanks for setting me straight, Kim).
I have some connections that would help me get a quick restraining order if I want it. I am being vindictive in thinking how this will make his divorce even more difficult for him and how it should be conspicuous on his background check for a few years. I'm holding on this to make sure I think this through. Feedback welcomed.
Now I miss him, well, the man I thought I knew. My mental images of him are still laughing and smiling and his thoughtful face. I want to know what is going on. I want to tell him that I miss him and hate him. I have to tell myself, 'No! What's wrong with you? Pathological liar and cheater and general ass'. This is what happens when I am alone in the evening. I've decided to stay at the multiple room suite I got for next weekend that was supposed to be a romantic getaway. I don't know if I can stay alone and sane though. So then I had this great/awful idea to tempt my divorced coworker who's been talking me through this into sleeping with me. I know, I know, divorced? Really Tracy? It's ok, he already showed me his divorce record from 5 yrs ago. But maybe it's not ok to want to use someone a week after this. Maybe I should have a big drinking party with friends instead. I am slowly telling people. It's not my fault and most people are supportive. I haven't told my mom yet. I don't know if the support I would get would be worth the "this doesn't happen to nice Christian girls" look and eventual guilt trip. Maybe I'm being too harsh on her.
My opinion is it's completely ok to want to use someone after something like this. *cough* see earlier in the blog. My shrink called it validation. I mean you want to make it clear so it's consensual, but otherwise, what's the harm? I might go for someone a little more anonymous, so you don't have to see them again, but if it's friendly and consensual... But you have to be ok with it and not feel guilt about it too. Otherwise, the guilt will just add to it.
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