Softening like an Oreo in milk

Thank you for the comments. They've been helpful and encouraging. This morning I felt pretty good, and was thinking that the emailing actually might have helped me a bit. When I saw his email waiting for me I deleted it because I decided that it was futile to try and make him understand how hurtful and destructive he's been and is being to everyone including himself. And that all I could do is wish him luck in getting his life together and not hurting his kid much more. That felt like a good realization and I could handle the day.

Work was a bitch though. My boss knows what is going on and gave me some piece of shit story about finding out a guy she dated for two weeks 20 years ago was married by seeing him and his wife in the grocery store two weeks after it ended. I mean I am sure it wasn't good, but it's not the same. OK, most of my lashing out at her is because I got talked to about how I snapped at the warehouse dick who always hangs up on me. Today wasn't the day to hang up on me. So I got this BS from her in our CEO's office that if the warehouse guys aren't there to ship stuff, then we might as well go home too. That I need to try to be over the top nice to them because they are shorthanded and stressed. Really?? What the fuck am I, if not stressed? And shorthanded? She's been dragging her feet on replacing a girl we lost last August. I'll start taking over my 3rd job title next Tuesday. I think she should have taken me in consideration and given me a pass, not given me this BS. So I am mad and for some reason today that means holding back tears, which makes me more mad and wanting to cry more.

Anyhow, that's how my day started before 10am. And it didn't help that she dropped the Florida tax shit on my desk and told me to get familiar with it to go over in the meetings next week (all the VPs and folk are coming in town) and that she would be back tomorrow about noon. The day is busy and the piece of crap EAP website, that I got from our benefits dept, doesn't have people I can talk to so much as definitions for everything you'd possibly want to talk to a therapist about. Useless! So this is where I begin to falter because it's exactly the kind of time I would talk to Matt and calm down. I have no phone today because I apparently plugged it into the charger, but didn't plug the charger into the wall last night. I can't login to this site to vent because we use a google based email for work and it keeps reverting back to that and not recognizing that I have an actual google acct.

So I open that email I had previously deleted. He starts by saying he hadn't been trying to work it out with her, but just wasn't pushing for a divorce (I snidely commented about how she could get that impression and that I agree that sleeping with your wife is definitely not pushing for divorce and to stop justifying shit you shouldn't even try at.) But then he goes on to tell me that he was actually scheduled to see a shrink that Thursday to figure out how to come clean and work on his relationship issues. He said something about depression and anxiety and not dealing correctly with his relationships. He said he went ahead and met with the guy as everything fell apart last Thursday. He gave me the Drs email addy (said he told the guy that he could give me this info) to confirm that the appt had been made before then and that they did meet. I didn't email the Dr.

He called the Dr after our email convos yesterday, because I said I didn't want to talk or see him until 6 months after the divorce was finalized. That I couldn't even promise that I would want to see him then as a friend, but that I need the space and being single would probably be good for him and even then I would want everything proven to me for a long time.(I also said that I would still provide E with an honest statement about the affair, such as dates or whatever she cared about and that my feelings on that would not change.) So the Dr told him this was a good idea to not communicate for the time of the divorce plus 6 mos (D+6) while they continued to meet. Matt said he was determined to prove to me that he could be the man I need and someone he could be proud of again. That he wants to figure out why he thought this was a viable option to begin with and that he doesn't want to hurt and let anyone down the way he did E and I ever again. He agreed to give me silence and would only contact me to send me a copy of the divorce record unless I contacted him.

So saying I reread that email a lot is somehow an understatement. Do I trust this? Do I email the Dr like my curiosity wants? Am I being optimistic here and setting myself up as a volunteer for history to repeat itself? I didn't respond. I feel like I am being lulled back in and maybe by some truths, but how do I trust it. I feel I am losing sight of the fact that he lied and cheated on E, who had more of a claim than I ever did. So confused. He IMed me to tell me it was the 100th birthday of Oreos ( I do love those things). I said thanks and then I did something stupid and said I missed talking to him. Then when he tried to talk more I said I still wanted to do the D+6 plan. I kinda feel like I won't care as much by then and will be able to be logical and not emotionally driven. Then I wanted to talk to him all day. I'll give in eventually, and will dance out of it like today at best.