Sweet, Even When I'm Not

I need to go to bed. It's only 10:30, but I want to start getting to work about 7-7:30 ish this week. My mom leaves for her trip tomorrow. The plane leaves at 5:30pm, but the group is trying to leave for the airport at 1pm... so early. I thought I could come home and see her before she leaves, but not at 1. She's at work tonight trying to get stuff done before they leave. I'm considering leaving early tomar about 3-3:30 and seeing her at the airport at least. Chances are she'll get home around 2 or 3 this morning and will be sleeping when I hopefully leave tomar morn.

I did find my phone. It was on my desk the next morning. Well, I didn't say a prayer to a saint and well, honestly, I think that would be more offensive than not praying at all to my very Baptist mother, lol. I love the comments and never know whether to acknowledge them, but I love them, so I am.

So my date that wasn't a date... it was just that. I worked later than he did and then gps'd my way to the bar. He had a seat for me at the bar and already had a tasty Boulevard waiting for me. It's the little things. I met a couple of his cousins, but I suck at names and there were 5 of them and I was nervous and distracted. It was fun to hang out and have a few drinks and be welcomed. I know he spends a lot of time at that bar and I know he's very close with his cousins. It felt nice to be liked enough to be introduced and welcomed by family. I hate when guys keep me separate from their friends and other parts of their lives, even though I know I am guilty of the same until I really trust someone. I get to that point so rarely and it doesn't help that Matt was the last one in yrs that I trusted enough to introduce to my friends.

As much as I like Ty, I struggle with really letting go of Matt. I miss that he was my best friend. That he understood Star Wars and that GL screws things up messing with a good thing. He appreciated movies as much as I did, was well read and enjoyed reading, was open to having discussions about religion and politics and anything, was up for going to some random city fair or event, knew how to be an equal to me, knew how to calm me down and how to stay quiet when I was over-reacting about some thing, and just really understood me in a way I hadn't met before. Then I was perusing the new released dvds yesterday and saw The Descendants. We had seen this together at the AMC Best Picture Showcase. We had talked about this and I'd asked if he'd wanna know about a spouse's infidelity on their deathbed. He said no, he'd rather just keep the memory of the person as is. I was torn between yes, the memory is good, but you also wouldn't really know the person. It'd be a lie. And I remember him saying that by the end of the time together, the spouse's lie was irrelevant and would hurt him for no reason. Now that reasoning makes me mad and I wanna know what was he thinking about when we had that discussion. He's told me that part of his reasoning for not telling me even after he decided to get a divorce was because he was hoping to get a divorce without me knowing and then it wouldn't matter. Ugh, I don't hate him and I kinda wish I did, it'd be easier. I dislike that he can be on my mind with the simplest things like seeing a movie at wally mart.

So Friday night I couldn't stay out too long due to our big Saturday plans. But being the blunt girl that I am, I told Ty that I want to be over Matt, but that he still creeps into my mind. That I don't know if he and I have a future, because Ty and I are pretty different and that all we prolly have is lust, and he may be wasting his time looking for a relationship with me. I don't pull many punches and have been accused of being tactless before, but I feel being upfront is prolly best. He didn't say anything and got up and walked away. Just as I was considering leaving he came back over with a beer for me. I tried to kinda apologize for being blunt, but got told to just relax and have a beer. I had another 3 or 4 after that and ended up leaning against him towards the end of the night. By the end of the night, I kinda wished I'd kept my mouth shut. Smile