ME
so today I am a little better than yesterday. I think I mostly had a breakdown due to stress here at work and more issues with letting go. But today I am better and I have amazing friends which helps too
2:25 PM I'd
like to maintain as best as possible a silence between us. I will miss
our communications and I will want to tell you things, but I need to
give you some space to figure things out. I'd like to think 6 months
after the divorce is finalized is appropriate, or D+6 from here on.
2:27 PM I
know that that may mean a year or more.
2:31 PM I'm
ok with updates as a friend, and maybe more casual conversation
eventually. I need the space too to make sure I am looking at this
logically, which may sound cold, but it is smart. And I know myself and
that I need to make the logical part of me happy, and I'm not sure
that's part of an "us" future when I think of the evidence of our past
relationship Matt: I can respect that, what do you mean be when you say I'm not sure thats a part of an "us" future?
2:33 PM I
can tell you this, I will be sad about silence between us, I miss our
conversation, I've felt very lonely, but understand your perspective,
and will honor it. You won't hear much from me other than random
updates or if something epic happens
2:34 PM my plans are to file within the week, and move on. Honestly I'd really like to get to that D+6 months as soon as possible
3:10 PM its
really starting to sink in that I won't really get to talk to you or
see you if you even ever want to see me again for close to a year
hopefully sooner
and hopefully you will want to see me, still sorry again word/type vomitting
3:45 PM Matt:
I will miss you tremendously. I am so very sorry to have hurt you and
make you feel like you need to distance yourself for several months to
gain perspective and think about things from a detached point of view. I
do however respect that. Fundamentally I am the same person that you
got to know over the last few months. However I have a journey ahead of
me to come to grips with the psychological issues that lead me to think
it was ok to lie to you like I did. I take ownership of what I did, it
was a mistake to lie to you. It was a mistake to not pursue a divorce
from Erin before logging onto that site. It would have saved us both
some heartache. I treasure(and yes as cheesy as that sounds its the
right word) the time I did get to spend with you, laughing, playing and
just relaxing. I can't think of a more comforting thought than just
sitting on the couch with my arm around you. I realize that my mistakes
and lie have quite possibly cost me the chance to ever do that again. I
hope they haven't. The me that you got to know was who I am, and the
lying monster that buried that mistake is not me. And when we meet
again that will never be an issue. I truly want the best for you Tracy,
I will miss you and hope that you get what you want out of life. If
there is every anything that I can do for you let me know. I will
without hesitation do it. So if this truly is goodbye then I want you
to know that matter what happens I will always look back fondly on the
time we spent together.
3:51 PM I
so desperately want to show you that you can get a real honest
relationship out of me with zero chance of repeating the past and give
you the time that you need to reflect and decide what you want
3:52 PM I have work to do, lots of it I don't even have snippy comments for this. It both made me sad to read his responses and proud of myself for repeating "band-aid" while not answering. I think this is the best way to get the point across- not responding. My divorced coworker friend was pretty harsh with me when I tried to explain my D+6 idea. I cussed like a sailor in explaining that I know myself better than he does and that I know with time when my emotions aren't the driving force in my decision-making skills that I am a very logical person and am secretly proud of that even when it makes me seem cold sometimes. I know that I have never dated a guy twice because of this logic and that the more days without contact, the less likely I'm gonna change that pattern. I'm not waiting and holding my breath for him. I'm not even sure that in that time I will want to see him ever again. I kind of think that in that time he will move on too. There's no excitement/thrill for him after all and he will have a hard time ahead. I realize that while my heart wants him to pine for me, (lol, words like that make me giggle), my head isn't sure he won't find someone to fill the vacancy.
Trey,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the details. As I said, I don't have a problem with you communicating with him; but make an effort to communicate a position of strength. Don't let him see sadness or weakness - you can save that for us. Only let him see that you are strong, independent, and living a happy active life without him. Let him stew on that - and yes, I think most likely he is still a big rotten liar.
your pal,
J.
Just remember when you are communicating with him that he is a liar. If you're still communicating with him maybe you should still be communicating with the wife to see if he's still playing both sides.
ReplyDeleteI also think you should date. Not necessarily right now, but in a couple weeks. Casual dating. And make it clear to him that you're not pining (I googled it, yep that's how you spell that), waiting around for him. That this isn't some romantic tragedy that he's a victim of and you're the star-crossed lovers. He fucked this up for everyone.
Oh and a therapist will never tell you what to do. They'll help you understand what you really want to do and help you work through anything that's preventing that. I know it feels like someone telling you what's right and wrong is why you go to a therapist, but it's not. This blog is cathartic, but if you start losing sleep, having anxiety or not wanting to get out of bed, I want you to go to a therapist.
And I wish I could see you soon so I could give you a hug. For reals girl, you need one.
<3