My Time with Dirtbag....

My name is Tracy, Kim invited me to vent/rant. ThoseDroids? came because I didn't know if I was supposed to use my name, I love star wars, and right now I kinda feel like those Stormtroopers must have felt. I'm leaving it, I like it, yes.

My grammar might be rough, I started trying to read this blog since Kim invited me... barely got through Nov and realized I needed to rant a bit, but not before a 9am drink. Wine is ok on a Saturday morning, right? Classier than the tasty Tank 7 I slept with last night, right? Ooh, and I definitely remembered to take my birth control, because that would be tragic if I ended up prego from that dirtbag. I don't remember how long sperm lives, maybe it doesn't matter today. No chances taken though and more wine!

SO, the story - short version. I have been dating a guy for the last 10 months and he turned out to be a lying dirtbag. I have had some huge anti-commitment and trust issues for a long time. Not helped by past relationships like the last guy I fell in love with married our waitress at the pizza restaurant we had a fight at, lol. That's a whole other trainwreck and is at least amusing to me now, though it f'd me up for a good three years.

Off track and an empty wine bottle, shit. Maybe I will wait on getting another. SO, I dated this guy, ("M" from now on), for 10 months. We met online, then had lunch and found out he has a daughter and we had to go pick her up and continue the date at his apt. I haven't connected with someone this deeply in soo long, so I agreed to go with him. I then can remember sitting on the apt floor eyeballing my purse, ready to bolt, asking several different ways if he was divorced and the living situation. Yes, but due to the economy they still live together, but don't sleep together. They had been divorced for about a year and a half. They were best friends for 13 yrs, and barely married 1 yr, so they get along because they both realized they weren't in love but could remain friends and raise their daughter together since so much happens in those early years. He was laid off when they got divorced and they had moved here for her job, and now that he was employed things could change. They had talked about finding a place close to each other, like in the same building or same complex/community if one of them found someone they wanted to move forward with or when their daughter turned 3. She was just turning two a couple months after we met. She, the ex ("E" from now on), had dated a few guys and M had dated 3, with one lasting a couple months. I was ready to dart out of there at the beginning, but as he talked I could kinda see that being plausible. I know amiable divorce couples, my aunt and her ex raised my cousin and still take family vacations together. So I stayed the night, yeah, I know it seems soon, but we'd been talking for two weeks on messenger, so not a complete quick pick up.

10 mos later... I introduce him to some of my longest friends at the ski trip. I don't do this lightly; I've only ever introduced 3 people total to this group of friends. Two of which are still my oldest/closest friends here at home. I did it because this guy is the best guy I've ever dated and I could see a future with him and want my friends to know him and approve. It wasn't as great as I make it out to be. I was terribly insecure at least every other month. I usually have great intuition and don't even question when I get a red flag about someone- I just get outta there. And I would reconfirm that he was divorced and she was ok with him dating me. Then I would be mad at myself for being insecure and that my anti-commitment ways were looking for a reason to throw away another great guy (I've done it in the past). Ever since his birthday weekend the 27 - 28th of January when we went to a B&B, she, E, has been making his life rough and he tells/alludes that it is because she thought they'd get back together somehow and now that he and I are more serious she's acting out. When we get back from the ski trip I give it a day and then prepare to have a heart-to-heart/pick a fight, basically I'm gonna ask what's the story with him and his ex and if it's really over he needs to move out sooner than the July plan. And if he's thinking of getting back with her, I'm walking. Turns out she had beat me to the fight by about a half hour and gave him the same ultimatum. Good, I thought.

So the last two weeks, she's been crazy. I finally broke my rule to not talk badly about her to him and called her a couple names  to him when she threatened to take the kid back home to no-one-cares-middle-of-nowhere pan handle, Oklahoma. I told him to fight her, because he's a good father and she's barely around and she just wants to take the kid to her family hometown so her parents can do the parenting while she lives her life. That little girl is incredibly smart and all around awesome and deserves better than an unstable, uncaring parent. He narrowed it down to two apts and we talked about me moving in next month.

Thursday... met at the apt for lunch, but not to eat, only because it is close and has bed. Funny, that morning as I was driving into work I remember thinking 'this is exactly what I wore when we met in May', there's something poetic there, but anyway. So we are getting ready to leave the apt and there's the sound of keys rattling in the door. I'm shoved in a closet. I can hear surprise that he's home, then "where is she??" I'm debating whether to come out of the closet or be discovered when, surprise, the door flies open and I avoid a punch. He grabs her and is holding her as she is yelling "Get out of my house" and "Does he tell you he's going to 'fix it'?" and "Did he tell you we were still having sex" and back to "Get out of my house". I walk to the front door, get my stuff and leave. Priceless moment... the audience of hispanic roof workers having lunch outside the apt smirking at the drama. I still think she's delusional and having issues coming to terms with the reality that they are never getting back together. But as I'm checking my rearview mirror at every stoplight for a psycho ex-wife, I begin to think I can settle my mind with a divorce record and why didn't I ever think of this before. Back at work, there's some light IM convo between us about how mad he is she did that, and how he had to sit in his car and calm down before going back to work. And that he is sorry she took a swing at me, I say I think it surprised both of us and it was kinda half hearted and she seemed surprised she did it too. Meanwhile I am scouring the internet for this divorce record and getting frustrated that I can't find a damn free site online. The public records for JoCo didn't have it, but I'm not entirely sure I have the right county. A friend at work that is divorced and that I have been confiding my insecurities tells me to just ask M for it. I lean away from this for a bit because I feel like I will seem like the insecure gf again, and I hate that. But seconds later I message that his ex is pretty, why'd you get divorced again, you are divorced, right? and not recently (with a smiley), I hate to be insecure, but could you show me a nice divorce doc and make me happier and then I'll never have to ask again. Waiting. More waiting. Reply!: "no". WTH does that mean? "It means I have no nice divorce record to show you, because I'm still married" BAM, knocked on ass. I dropped a couple "fuck, shit, cock"'s at my desk and then apologized to my office mates. Ok, Ok, let's hear the story, maybe there's a reasonable explanation somewhere.

The remainder of that afternoon is a "coming clean" (but turns out to be with more lies). Yes, he's still married. He only did it because he didn't think we'd become serious and then when he really cared about me he didn't know how to come clean. He and E had already decided that divorce was best 6 mos before we met. She had dated 1-2 other guys, (this felt like a lie. I mean which is it 1 or 2?), but she's been lonely lately and changed her mind about divorce. And while yes, he's still technically married and he's sorry he lied to me, he hopes we can be together in the future. I'm reeling, I'm shocked and in disbelief that I ignored my own red flags. I love him, and my mind isn't ready to accept this completely. I get a little angry that evening and realize I want to cry and throw things, but I can't put this together with the person I knew. I'm willing to forgive the lying and can even oddly understand the inability to get out of a lie (ok, most of us learned to not lie in grade school), the trapped feeling and that meeting someone online lets you be whoever you want. But as the emotions settled a bit I told him when he texted at 1am asking for forgiveness again, "I can forgive and oddly understand the trapped feeling of lying, but bottom line is you're still married and unavailable. You made me an affair; you made me the girl I normally hate".

Friday... I barely slept and ignore all his messages until I get to work where gchat can record everything. I have had enough time for the emotional roller coaster to stop at angry. However, I want details. My mind needs details to move past this and I am known to think things to death, which requires details. So I sound like I am willing to forgive all as long as he gives me complete honesty and to tell me if he can't give me that. He agrees and the real truth comes out. She didn't know I existed until December. The last time they had sex was in January right before his birthday. He asked for a divorce in January after the B&B weekend. She never dated anyone else, but she was having lunches with a guy he didn't know and wasn't able to meet before we met. He got on the site to find someone to cheat on her with because he was mad about the lunches. He actually only went on one other date before he met me and I wish I was that girl who never saw him again. Now I am angry, pissed, vindictive. I have all my details, I think. My only communication is to tell him the address to mail my book back to me and to snap at him for asking how my day is and how my lunch was - we're not ok, we're not friends, you don't get to talk to me like it's a normal Friday. Well, I do ask if he knows how badly he f'd up. That she will take 80% or close to it. She'll dictate custody and take their daughter wherever she wants, and he'd be lucky if the main contribution to her life was more than financial. He goes on and on about how that has been weighing on him and he can't focus at work, like I care? Shithead wasn't thinking of his daughter when he was cheating. Complete disregard for his family, and disrespect for his wife, the person he made vows to and was once his best friend. I may have been dumb, but I'm not that dumb. Why would I be anywhere near someone who can do this to someone that they once loved and started a family with??

So I have been debating the last couple days on contacting E. I asked Kim and my work friend. Kim pointed out to consider if I wanted to be involved in their divorce, but that she probably wouldn't hate me. My work friend said do it, but to write a statement she can use in court. Oldest guy friend, Chad said it was the worst idea ever and just leave it all alone. It wasn't til this morning that I realized that the phone number that was trying to call me Thursday while I was talking to Chad was her and she left a teary vm that I just got around to listening to ( I hate vm, that's why I didn't leave one the other day, sorry, Kim). So I decided to go with my gut that I have ignored long enough. I feel stable enough today and he gave me the tracking number for my book being mailed back to me. I love my books, lol. So I texted her, "I just listed to your vm. I didn't recognize the number. I just wanted to let you know that I didn't know you were married until Thursday afternoon when I demanded to see actual divorce papers. I'm so sorry and disgusted. I didn't learn the full extent until Friday and if you have any questions or need a statement from me for a lawyer let me know, otherwise I want as far from this as possible."

Meanwhile he's still texting me that he's sorry and take my time to think and he really misses me and wants me back at any cost, blah blah blah. She responds an hour later, "Thank you. My understanding had been that you knew and did not care." Ugh, so I texted her back saying it wasn't the case and while I am hurt, I can't fathom what she must feel and that I am willing to be completely honest with her if she has any questions. Then I message her again immediately afterwards, "I don't know if he is still lying to you, but he's still asking me back. My moral compass isn't that f'd to consider it, but I wanted you to know and not believe his lies. Again I'm sorry." She immediately thanks me for this information and said he is then playing both sides still because he is telling her that he's seen the light and such and this helps her tremendously. She lets me know that she's going to confront him when he gets back to the apt, because he doesn't know we've been talking yet. I told her that I think he's afraid of what she can do to him in a divorce and of being empty handed. And that she and her daughter deserve far better than that and that this was unreal and to not hesitate to ask me for anything and good luck.

I feel so angry and duped. The writing and wine have calmed me considerably. The most soothing thing has been talking to her and realizing she doesn't hate me. That I helped in a small way by telling her that he's still lying and can't be trusted. I slept 11 hours last night and I think that helped too. He hasn't texted asking how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and when can we meet since E and I's last text. I guess she confronted him and now he has a good idea how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and that meeting isn't likely.

Kim, thank you for letting me rant my story. It feels good to tell someone and I haven't told more than 3 people because I am soo embarrassed and yet, I want people to know and not tell me, 'Aw, I liked him and thought you guys were good together'... that makes a bit of bile rise in my mouth and my eyes sting. I know this is insanely long and feel free to cut whatever or get rid of it altogether.