It's early Thursday morning. I'm exhausted, but not sleeping. I have my pole fitness stuff packed for after work tomorrow and am nervous. I know there are every shape and every level of girls in the intro classes, but still. Self-consciousness sucks, but I don't really know how to move past it besides saying that and that doesn't really help so much as make me think every girl must think that regardless of their actual appearance. Meh, if we compared ourselves to zombie barbie, we'd all feel wonderful about ourselves.
This week is weird in an ungood way, but not really bad way. Next Monday my mom leaves for her mission trip to Brazil where some old family friends started a church. She's really excited, but she's being weird about making sure I'm on all her bank accounts and safe deposit box and re-evaluating her life insurance and doing her will. It's unnerving to be going over that stuff. It's also odd and comforting and nerve-wracking that my oldest friend Chad is helping her with it because he does that stuff now for some financial company parented by MetLife. It's both comforting and nerve-wracking because I've known Chad so long. Yes, I trust that he will take care of my mom, but I also have known him long enough to know he is an optimistic kool-aid drinker. I usually take hard looks at his business decisions. This one seems to be honest and legit, but his boss is still an insurance salesman at the end of the day.
Next Monday is also my dad's birthday. This is the root of the emotional problems this week if I'm honest. This Saturday my mom has these plans... she's always 100 mph and doesn't really understand what a Saturday is for and this is only accentuated by her limited time before she leaves the country for a week and a half. My Saturday will start at 8am at the tractor shop for an open house thing to work out a deal to trade our grasshopper in for a newer one. I have this odd trait of personifying inanimate objects, so I'm all weird in feeling bad for our mower which has been a good mower, like it's a pet or something. I dunno, that feeling is there, but it's not even a real factor to this weekend.
My dad died 4 yrs ago this August when he had the mower up on a jack and the jack slipped. It knocked him out and the lip of mowing deck laid against his carotid just enough. Freak home accident- if he hadn't been knocked out he could lift it off with one hand and if it had landed just a little differently he'd have had a bruise. I don't attach memories of that night with the mower, but it's an odd way to start this Saturday considering the rest of the day. After we check out the mowers, I have a hair appt, then bank paper signing, and then off to two sets of woods with my dad's ashes. We took some to Alaska this last summer, but he always wanted the majority to be in our field and where he deer hunted at. My mom wants to finish this before she leaves, so the Saturday before his birthday we are going to our field/woods and his friend's. Thinking of this makes me hold back tears right now.
I feel over-dramatic that Saturday is still days away and I'm focused on it and emotional. Part of me wants to tell myself that it's been 4 yrs and another part of me wants to cry like a little girl that it has actually been 4 yrs. I always get my dad yellow roses on his birthday, but I start to tear up a bit at the idea of bringing them home to a completely empty house with my mom gone too, even though I know she's just on a plane with friends. Birthdays and holidays are the worst for me. Still I feel I'm worst than I expected right now. I'd guess just with other circumstances and my mom's will and future planning doesn't help much either. I haven't decided if I'm gonna try and find someone to go to dinner with that night and avoid some loneliness or stay home, because I can also see myself wanting to avoid others too.
Typing things does help in figuring out the issue. I'm stressed with anticipation tonight. I am taking a sleeping pill tomorrow if this keeps up. I'm so tired and had trouble driving home, but laid in bed for two hours before typing this.Time to try again.
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