Friday, March 30, 2012

Swirl that cape!

I'm laying in bed trying to write this using the swype feature on my phone. Did something awful to my shoulder/arm in pole class tonight. Hoping it's just a pulled muscle. I felt it immediately give and then it hurt to put any weight on it. Of course I still tried a couple more moves in the remaining 30 minutes, but that might have been dumb. It hurt to even grip the steering wheel while driving home. No cooking. I justified going to Applebees and then had a long island while waiting for my food. The bartender, Jeff, is amazing and makes the best long islands. Jeff is also both a jerk and a flirt bartender- usually I like him, lol. He's been the bartender there for at least the last decade, and usually makes ant of my drinks in a camouflaged glass so tattle tales don't have as much ammo to tell my parents. Lol, small towns, right? Tonight though, f' it, I've an improvised sling and bag of ice made from to-go bags via Jeff, so I deserve a big fishbowl like long island. Ty said he felt really bad about canceling and wanted to reschedule. I asked what he was doing Friday night, which would be good, right? Yeah, he has a blind date that night that his friend's wife set up a couple weeks ago. Jealous that stranger girl gets a date and I don't. I'm being Unrealistic. She's a teacher. I acted like I didn't care and it didn't bother me. I'm not sure I really sold that though. Ugh, I waited until the alcohol wore off to take a muscle relaxer. I'm gonna blame the muscle relaxer and not my own disturbed mind, but I can't shake the image of Labyrinth Bowie. He just keeps swirling his cape like some crazed magician in my head. Eh, he makes me giggle a little even with his intense serial killer stare. I think that means I should go to sleep.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Let Down

No date. I looked cute all day. One of his cousins was out of town and Ty had to go to his computer store for some emergency thing. I dunno, whatever. I felt stood up even though I understand that he needed to go. I'm dealing with chick brain thoughts. I'm wondering if I'm pursuing a guy who doesn't really care about me and am, therefore setting myself up to be hurt. I want to bail and break things off... when really nothing has even started and is an overreaction.

The new girl at work irritates the hell out of me. She takes 45 minutes on average to process the simplest of orders, it usually takes us a couple minutes. She's been there three weeks and I'm trying to remember that I sometimes have too high/unrealistic expectations. She can't quit because of me, so I keep reminding myself that she's trying... kinda. She just wants the answer and doesn't care about the why and that irritates me. When I tell her the part number and flip the price guide to that page and hand it back to her and say something like, "See it now?" She didn't even pretend to look at it and said, "No". I stared at her for a moment. Similar things had happened already in the day by this point, so I accidentally said out loud, "You might try looking... in the middle of the page" very quietly, but very sarcastically. Then I ended up doing it for her about 30 minutes later.

I worked 11 hours without lunch today. No date meant I chose to stay a lil late and look over a couple things. I spent an extra 2.5 hours fixing stuff. I ate tasty leftover mexican and some cookie dough and a Sam Adams variety six pack upon getting home. Pretty sure that negates my workout this morning and I don't really care right now. I'm lonely and tipsy and horny... awful combo really.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Bonus

So I signed on here to post and saw that I didn't actually hit post the other night, so it's like a bonus post day. Yay! Right?

So today is my dad's birthday and my mom is flying out out to Brazil in a couple hours. I'm a little emotional and stressed honestly. Ty came over to our building to take a break and see me. That was nice. I tried my new make up this morning... I know I knocked my eye make-up out of the park, so I'm pleased with that. I will see him at happy hour tomar and an actual date on Wednesday. Smile.

Work is slow. New girl has almost stepped into the role completely and I have pretty much caught up on my stuff from the last couple months. Awesome feeling to not be buried.

Matt emailed me this morning. He moved out and then got drunk Saturday and wants to talk. I can't do it. Even though he has forgotten that this is a big day for me, I resent him a little bit more today for bringing his drama around. I don't have any reason to make him feel better. I was angry to even have to tell him this, so I didn't. I just ignored him and hope that gives enough of a hint.

Ignore Ignore... I have more important things to worry about like what I'm gonna wear for my date on Wednesday.

Sweet, Even When I'm Not

I need to go to bed. It's only 10:30, but I want to start getting to work about 7-7:30 ish this week. My mom leaves for her trip tomorrow. The plane leaves at 5:30pm, but the group is trying to leave for the airport at 1pm... so early. I thought I could come home and see her before she leaves, but not at 1. She's at work tonight trying to get stuff done before they leave. I'm considering leaving early tomar about 3-3:30 and seeing her at the airport at least. Chances are she'll get home around 2 or 3 this morning and will be sleeping when I hopefully leave tomar morn.

I did find my phone. It was on my desk the next morning. Well, I didn't say a prayer to a saint and well, honestly, I think that would be more offensive than not praying at all to my very Baptist mother, lol. I love the comments and never know whether to acknowledge them, but I love them, so I am.

So my date that wasn't a date... it was just that. I worked later than he did and then gps'd my way to the bar. He had a seat for me at the bar and already had a tasty Boulevard waiting for me. It's the little things. I met a couple of his cousins, but I suck at names and there were 5 of them and I was nervous and distracted. It was fun to hang out and have a few drinks and be welcomed. I know he spends a lot of time at that bar and I know he's very close with his cousins. It felt nice to be liked enough to be introduced and welcomed by family. I hate when guys keep me separate from their friends and other parts of their lives, even though I know I am guilty of the same until I really trust someone. I get to that point so rarely and it doesn't help that Matt was the last one in yrs that I trusted enough to introduce to my friends.

As much as I like Ty, I struggle with really letting go of Matt. I miss that he was my best friend. That he understood Star Wars and that GL screws things up messing with a good thing. He appreciated movies as much as I did, was well read and enjoyed reading, was open to having discussions about religion and politics and anything, was up for going to some random city fair or event, knew how to be an equal to me, knew how to calm me down and how to stay quiet when I was over-reacting about some thing, and just really understood me in a way I hadn't met before. Then I was perusing the new released dvds yesterday and saw The Descendants. We had seen this together at the AMC Best Picture Showcase. We had talked about this and I'd asked if he'd wanna know about a spouse's infidelity on their deathbed. He said no, he'd rather just keep the memory of the person as is. I was torn between yes, the memory is good, but you also wouldn't really know the person. It'd be a lie. And I remember him saying that by the end of the time together, the spouse's lie was irrelevant and would hurt him for no reason. Now that reasoning makes me mad and I wanna know what was he thinking about when we had that discussion. He's told me that part of his reasoning for not telling me even after he decided to get a divorce was because he was hoping to get a divorce without me knowing and then it wouldn't matter. Ugh, I don't hate him and I kinda wish I did, it'd be easier. I dislike that he can be on my mind with the simplest things like seeing a movie at wally mart.

So Friday night I couldn't stay out too long due to our big Saturday plans. But being the blunt girl that I am, I told Ty that I want to be over Matt, but that he still creeps into my mind. That I don't know if he and I have a future, because Ty and I are pretty different and that all we prolly have is lust, and he may be wasting his time looking for a relationship with me. I don't pull many punches and have been accused of being tactless before, but I feel being upfront is prolly best. He didn't say anything and got up and walked away. Just as I was considering leaving he came back over with a beer for me. I tried to kinda apologize for being blunt, but got told to just relax and have a beer. I had another 3 or 4 after that and ended up leaning against him towards the end of the night. By the end of the night, I kinda wished I'd kept my mouth shut. Smile

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I Hurt Already

You know it's a good workout when you hurt 2/3rds of the way through. That was awesome. I made friends too, lol. I'm gonna do another intro workout next week because I am out of shape and can barely pull myself up the pole midway through class without a deep breath and serious "you can do it" pep talks to myself. I'd never met this teacher before, but she is much more about the sexiness drawing from not just the spin/trick, but the grace. I actually liked her more than my previous teacher. I could use a lot of work in the grace dept, lol, I kinda think I'm awkward walking from the copy machine to my desk at work.

The women's only clubness was fun too. Like no one cares about 10 minutes in and there is lots of talking and laughing. Size has no effect on making the moves look pretty and graceful. The more curves/booty just means you have to work less to shake it, lol. I think the women only and friendliness is one of the best thing I've done all month. I pretty much don't have any close female friends around here that aren't married with kids. I assume there are married women with kids here too, but it's in a different area of their lives for about an hour and a half. For that hour and a half they are just the woman next to you whose thighs are red and painful from the pole too and you talk like new friends.

In other news... phone is lost! Panic Panic! I track it's gps location like the Phone-OCD girl I am. I need it in my hand. What did I do before my precious? It's been in a sketchy area of town (Grandview/Ruskin) all day, but not being used. I left it at work when no one was there except the cleaning crew last night. I just tracked it and it's at my office now! Cleaning crew returning it? I called the cleaning crew company today, who pulled the data on who accessed the bldg after I left. Please, please be at the office tomar! I miss my precious....

Ungood Anticipation

It's early Thursday morning. I'm exhausted, but not sleeping. I have my pole fitness stuff packed for after work tomorrow and am nervous. I know there are every shape and every level of girls in the intro classes, but still. Self-consciousness sucks, but I don't really know how to move past it besides saying that and that doesn't really help so much as make me think every girl must think that regardless of their actual appearance. Meh, if we compared ourselves to zombie barbie, we'd all feel wonderful about ourselves.

This week is weird in an ungood way, but not really bad way. Next Monday my mom leaves for her mission trip to Brazil where some old family friends started a church. She's really excited, but she's being weird about making sure I'm on all her bank accounts and safe deposit box and re-evaluating her life insurance and doing her will. It's unnerving to be going over that stuff. It's also odd and comforting and nerve-wracking that my oldest friend Chad is helping her with it because he does that stuff now for some financial company parented by MetLife. It's both comforting and nerve-wracking because I've known Chad so long. Yes, I trust that he will take care of my mom, but I also have known him long enough to know he is an optimistic kool-aid drinker. I usually take hard looks at his business decisions. This one seems to be honest and legit, but his boss is still an insurance salesman at the end of the day.

Next Monday is also my dad's birthday. This is the root of the emotional problems this week if I'm honest. This Saturday my mom has these plans... she's always 100 mph and doesn't really understand what a Saturday is for and this is only accentuated by her limited time before she leaves the country for a week and a half. My Saturday will start at 8am at the tractor shop for an open house thing to work out a deal to trade our grasshopper in for a newer one. I have this odd trait of personifying inanimate objects, so I'm all weird in feeling bad for our mower which has been a good mower, like it's a pet or something. I dunno, that feeling is there, but it's not even a real factor to this weekend.

My dad died 4 yrs ago this August when he had the mower up on a jack and the jack slipped. It knocked him out and the lip of mowing deck laid against his carotid just enough. Freak home accident- if he hadn't been knocked out he could lift it off with one hand and if it had landed just a little differently he'd have had a bruise. I don't attach memories of that night with the mower, but it's an odd way to start this Saturday considering the rest of the day. After we check out the mowers, I have a hair appt, then bank paper signing, and then off to two sets of woods with my dad's ashes. We took some to Alaska this last summer, but he always wanted the majority to be in our field and where he deer hunted at. My mom wants to finish this before she leaves, so the Saturday before his birthday we are going to our field/woods and his friend's. Thinking of this makes me hold back tears right now.

I feel over-dramatic that Saturday is still days away and I'm focused on it and emotional. Part of me wants to tell myself that it's been 4 yrs and another part of me wants to cry like a little girl that it has actually been 4 yrs. I always get my dad yellow roses on his birthday, but I start to tear up a bit at the idea of bringing them home to a completely empty house with my mom gone too, even though I know she's just on a plane with friends. Birthdays and holidays are the worst for me. Still I feel I'm worst than I expected right now. I'd guess just with other circumstances and my mom's will and future planning doesn't help much either. I haven't decided if I'm gonna try and find someone to go to dinner with that night and avoid some loneliness or stay home, because I can also see myself wanting to avoid others too.

Typing things does help in figuring out the issue. I'm stressed with anticipation tonight. I am taking a sleeping pill tomorrow if this keeps up. I'm so tired and had trouble driving home, but laid in bed for two hours before typing this.Time to try again.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Pretty

It's almost tomorrow and prolly will be when I actually post this which means I'll be tired and unmotivated at work tomorrow. Again. Meh. I just finished using my groupon with E.L.F make up and scored a $30 brush kit for $3. I want my new pretties now.

Earlier I was looking up good pole dancing/stripper songs... no, not seeking a new profession. I took up pole dancing fitness last spring and along with some p90x (ok, I never really made it through that, but recommend it based on what I did) and some yoga classes, I was in awesome shape. Then I slowly dropped all of it because it cramped into new relationship time and then I started baking/cooking yummy foods for him that would invariably be cancelled on and I would eat more than I should because I hate to waste food. I made a ridiculous strawberry shortcake from scratch and homemade whip cream in January that I ate for a couple meals because it wasn't really meant to last. Needless to say, I gained some weight. Couple that with my tendency to get bored with most workout routines (if you can call them that with the infrequency I follow them) and I need something that is both fun, workout-ish (oh, it is, but it's a lot of fun too) and makes me feel silly sexy sometimes, while also defying gravity occasionally. So I called one of the girls and have my first class in 10 months on Thursday. Then I'm gonna try and come in a couple times next week and work by myself, which is why I wanted music.

So now that you know a different side of me... back to music. I am weird and like classic rock and metal songs when most girls choose sexy slow songs. They're alright. I was you tubing and googling for songs and went from Rammstein's Sonne and Godsmack's Voodoo to Clarence Carter's Strokin. I started cracking up though at the you tube video of Strokin'. I'm almost positive that the phallic clay-mation puppet is the original video. Just take a look and tell me you're not like "wth? claymation? really? from gumbi to this?" I also snickered quite a bit when he's repeating his own name a couple times.

Less silliness... I knew Matt's parents were in town for a marriage intervention, lol. Indecisiveness has always pissed me off for some reason. I think that actually helped me. So maybe it worked though, because this was Matt-free weekend and Monday. It was nice. Less stressful than I expected. I didn't realized how stressed he made me. It was really nice.

Divorced coworker that I have almost shamelessly thrown myself at finally told me that he's not going to sleep with me, because he wants to be more than a rebound. That's sweet in retrospect, but I lashed out a little about not being some fragile lil girl and able to make my own decisions and his overconfidence in thinking he knows me and what I want/need. I eventually apologized and then flirted my way into a potential date next week... kinda. I got him to agree to let me tag along to his cousin's bar for Friday's Sweet 16 games. I'm not sure it counts, but I'll be pretty! Lol.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Seems like more time has passed

What a good week! So I was suddenly ok with almost everything on Monday. This is admittedly due to the focus on the meetings at work. All our VPs and higher than me folk were in town. I know that I messed stuff up last week and that is all that anyone remembers this week, ugh. So Monday and part of Tuesday were basically complaints about what I should do differently. Part of me didn't really care and was willing to agree/placate them on every dumb issue. Then there were some total BS issues from the sales douchebags. Made me mad and I got some fight back and that was actually good for me even though I was a little nervous about it after I cooled down, lol. In the end I said I'm basically training a new girl this week to take over that side of my job and hopefully in a week or two my less-than-chirpy phone voice won't be an issue. We got a new girl after last week's near mutiny by Aja (other office minion) and myself. Yay, my life is hopefully getting a lil less stressful by April.

After they all left to go back to their various factory/warehouses around the US, things calmed down. New girl is slow and a little annoying, but I'm a little desperate for her to work out too. Then the NCAA tourney started! Drinking Thursday night and flirting with nice boys at the bar meant a wicked hangover this morning. I was an hour late for work, thankfully my boss is on vacay today, lol.

Matt IMed me in Tuesday to tell me that he was forced into making the phone call... yeah, I called that one. Apparently, she said that if he didn't stick it out with her, she'd seek sole custody. He's been bugging me the last couple days to tell him why I want him to reconcile and what I want as a friend and what I'd want if I was being completely selfish and had everything I wanted. Meh, I finally told him today that I wasn't ever gonna get around to answering because it was a waste of time in my head. I have been jerked around too much and somehow after my soap cry and tears thinking of everything in bed Sunday night, I moved on in a way. I killed it and moved him into a friends at best category. Odd to just move those feelings and to even be able to fathom a future together anymore. He's convinced that he needs to just take his chances and get the divorce that he's been asking for for the last year and a half. Whatever, I told him I was kinda ok and almost happy with him in a friends category, just don't think I'd ever wanna be in a relationship with someone I'd be wondering about months and years from now when I get boring.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

More than Soap

So part of the reason a weekend away was a good idea was to be away from my mother who happened to be midway through her two week vacation during all this. Her constant prying and chirpiness and telling me that whatever it is, if I pray it'll all work out. Uh huh, I was raised with that and while I'm not knocking anyone's beliefs here, I get a little irritated with that phrase of hers. Regardless, I'm still gonna be living through it and it doesn't always automatically get better with prayer, imo. Sorry if I offend anyone, I'm not trying to and if I am it probably means I'm not explaining my feelings on the subject very well.

So anyhow, I get home Sunday afternoon, watch an episode of Game of Thrones and then head upstairs to unpack my junk. 'Oh shit' moment occurs when I turn on my bedroom light. She has gone through my entire room and bathroom. I know she means well, but seriously?? I needed space and that somehow translated to 'please, go through every inch of the one private space I have'. I'm trying to be calm and I'm trying to think of everything in my room I wouldn't want my mother to find and hoping we leave any of such things as a 'no discuss' point. Then I have to shake off that feeling with a "well, you might find things you shouldn't, if you go through someone's bedroom."

I think I am ok until I can't find the soap in my bathroom. I love my mother; I really do. But where could the soap possibly have "needed" to go. I know from my childhood that this does not have to be a logical place, but I look anyway. Could she have put the soap in any of the vanity drawers? Nope. Would it have been placed somewhere in the great abyss closet outside the bathroom? Not that I can see, but I'm unsure really. Hmm, could it have been placed in the shower?? Nope, not there either. OMG, I'm about to lose it because I can't find soap! I mean seriously lose it, like this is all too much and something's gotta snap at some point. I am feeling like everything is spinning out of control. I lost a bf, who I hated, but still loved, then when I was working through that I managed to reunite him with his wife, who I foolishly stressed myself out more by meeting, nothing is where I left it in the comforting place of my own bedroom, and I can't find anything... including soap! I finally ask through many deep breaths where the soap went. I have to give a description... it's a pump bottle with a green lid and minty smelling. I am handed a green bar of soap from the abyss closet... more deep breaths. I am about to give up, when she's like, "is it the one downstairs in cabinet under the mudroom bathroom sink?" That's right, that's where the soap was... finding my soap made me want to cry.



Saturday, March 10, 2012

I should be paid for my skills

So I convinced them to work it out. He called me while I was out at dinner with some friends to tell me that he'd been thinking about what I said and he asked Erin about counseling/divorce counseling and she said she wanted to be honest and try and work out their marriage for B. So he is going to try and be the best husband and father he can be and they're going to try couples counseling. I think he wanted me to say something more, but all I could say was "Ok, well good. I think you should give it your best try. If anything I'm irritated you didn't come to this conclusion sooner." Then we wished each other luck and I said bye and hung up... I could hear B crying in the background. I don't know whether to expect an email or message on Monday when he's not being forced to make a phone call in her presence, but I don't care anymore. I can't handle being jerked around like this. I felt betrayed before, but this time I kinda feel like I got dumped somehow. I was doing so good and then let this hope come in and then now it is loss all over again. What the hell is wrong with me that I attract these people? Why did I continue to stay involved with them??

Breakfast with Him, Lunch with Her

Ok, so I dunno what I was thinking, but I invited him over to the hotel last night when he was done moving to talk. He went out drinking with his new roommate for a couple hours before coming here, so he didn't come over until about 1am. He kept asking if I was ok with him coming over. I told him I felt strong enough and could have a normal conversation with him if he'd like and that was all that would happen.

Ok, so it was alright. We talked until about 5am about what he was gonna change, what our boundaries were and he told me the full story of his and Erin's story. From when they first met in undergrad as friends to current... I don't really know why I asked for this story, but it was something I really wanted. He's not a bad guy. Good guys screw up too. I'd done some internetin' the past couple days and we started talking about what he thought his vows meant and that I think she still loves him and would probably try again if he asked. He said he didn't love her as anything more than a friend and as B's mother. I asked if he really heard himself, because I guess I think that's kinda what happens in relationships and isn't the end of the world. I asked him if he'd consider counseling with her to find time to work on their relationship as a couple. He's against this and doesn't see the point, so I said maybe after things calm down he should ask her to do divorce counseling and at least find a common friendship since they will continue to deal with each other as parents for graduations, weddings and grandkid birthdays. I don't think he understood why I was playing counselor for him, and I don't think I completely understand either. I guess because I think he should exhaust all options before getting a divorce maybe. It was about 6am when we were both about to fall over, so he slept here.

I met her for lunch at panera at 11:30. She basically told me the same story, although her version edited out their major fights. She admits she was still having lunches and that it is a sexless emotional affair with that guy. That he knows she's married, but they both consider their lunches and dinners as an almost dating relationship. "Their relationship is so f'd up," is what I'm thinking by this point in my head and I'm seriously questioning why I'm involved still. She is telling me that he's been asking her to talk about divorce for about a year and a half. They've only had sex twice since September and the only reason she's refused to discuss it is because of B and every time she thinks of it, she panics and she started seeing a therapist secretly for the last two months. He still thinks her lunch dates ended in November. Then she explained what her life was before him and some pretty horrible graphic stuff happened before he helped her get cleaned up. We talked about the affair and what I did and didn't know then and now. I told her he came over and talked the night before. I told her what we talked about and that he did spend the night. She was upset understandably and then said that as angry as she was, she really missed him when he actually moved out. She asked me if I thought she could try again. What am I supposed to say? "I guess, I mean he's still your husband for the next couple months? Divorce is pretty final. Probably should have tried before now." (KS makes you wait 60 days from filing to set a court date, so there's at least that.) She laughed that I was so blunt and then admitted that she had been happy talking to lunch date guy and that the reason she took this job in KS was because she had done the same thing with a guy in Cali and thought moving would help. What? She told me her dr diagnosed her with depression and that she thinks she's known she's had those issues for a long time.

Hour and a half lunch. Sometimes scary, sometimes sad and with crying. I told her some of my past and we both agreed this was good for us. Honestly, it wasn't far in that I decided to keep my personal stuff mine, that's just how I am. But I ended up opening up a lot more than I thought. I kind of wish we'd met under different circumstances. It was awkward immediately when the order taker guy referred to me as her sister because we look very similar. Weird moments, and apparently Matt has a type. She's maybe got a couple lbs on me and freckles and her hair is about 3 inches shorter. It was interesting. I'm glad I went. Their relationship is messed up and I still hate that I was part of the problem at one point, but I have so much more perspective than before. And maybe it's a little sad, but I hope one day when I find the right guy I have nothing like their relationship. But I really like her and admittedly I still like him. I tell him he should exhaust every last avenue with her, and then say that I have tix to baseball games on these dates and to make sure he can go. So basically, I'm still a confused person, but I feel like I have all sides today. (And secretly, I like hearing other peoples love stories, even the rocky ones. Like every romance starts happy and hopeful and like a sappy romcom, but the details make them interesting.)

Friday, March 9, 2012

My heart

This is Kim... not Tracy. For the first time in a long time. And all I have to say is:

My heart is going to burst out of chest from anxiety and excitement.

That is all.

To Meet or Not to Meet

Haha! I win work computer.. kinda. I figured out how to log in at work, but the features don't really show up and it doesn't let me format my posts, but I can post, so it's a win for me, lol.

So I baked for food day and drank some (lots) of wine while baking and fell asleep before 9 last night as the comp was still loading. I'm still tired today and achy for some reason. I packed for the hotel suites this weekend, which basically means a ridiculous amount of electronics are in my trunk right now, because I got some crazy idea to take my sound system , which I only started to question half way through disconnecting wires from the receiver. Anyhow, yay, movie watching goodness! I also packed cookie making supplies and excessive amounts of wine. I'm become very partial to a tasty merlot recently and is like the friend I can't leave home without.

So while I normally have nothing against March Madness, I am irritated by it right now. I had almost convinced my coworker friend to come to the hotel and go out with me tonight and tomar, but now he got tix to this weekend's Big 12 games from his HS friend. I lost to basketball... fail. I considered going out alone, but am so tired today that I think I will hang out in the hot tub.

So odd and random news.... haha, exciting live breaking news moment, ok not so "live" by the time most of you read this, meh. I literally just got a text from the wife. Matt is moving out tonight/Saturday to a friend's place. She wants to meet sometime after he leaves Saturday or Sunday to "explain the relationship" and that she doesn't really have anyone else that knows the situation. She wants to give her "version of the last years". What do you think? Is this a good idea? I told her I'd have to think about it. I feel a little panicky and trapped by it, like I need to find a public place that will be easy enough to hide our conversation. Thoughts??

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Nearly Radio Silence....

I was so good today. I read your comments and kept saying "band-aid" when I saw new messages through my day. I'm a dork, I know. I almost succeeded through the whole day, but really I just laid out one long message and let him respond until he really got the idea. If I'm honest I'm using my new hope in therapy to justify in hope that therapy makes him an option in the future, but in a deeper place I think I will move on before that happens if I really can distance myself. I think I am ok posting here for a bit before seeking a therapist. Their topics are confusing as hell and I've survived this far. When I think about my reasons, I am afraid I just want someone to tell me what to do and that I'd weight their directions as an "authority". Ehh, that realization makes me want to wait and see what I can do with friends. Below are the days communications.

ME
so today I am a little better than yesterday. I think I mostly had a breakdown due to stress here at work and more issues with letting go. But today I am better and I have amazing friends which helps too
2:25 PM I'd like to maintain as best as possible a silence between us. I will miss our communications and I will want to tell you things, but I need to give you some space to figure things out. I'd like to think 6 months after the divorce is finalized is appropriate, or D+6 from here on.
2:27 PM I know that that may mean a year or more.
2:31 PM I'm ok with updates as a friend, and maybe more casual conversation eventually. I need the space too to make sure I am looking at this logically, which may sound cold, but it is smart. And I know myself and that I need to make the logical part of me happy, and I'm not sure that's part of an "us" future when I think of the evidence of our past relationship  Matt: I can respect that, what do you mean be when you say I'm not sure thats a part of an "us" future?
2:33 PM I can tell you this, I will be sad about silence between us, I miss our conversation, I've felt very lonely, but understand your perspective, and will honor it. You won't hear much from me other than random updates or if something epic happens
2:34 PM my plans are to file within the week, and move on. Honestly I'd really like to get to that D+6 months as soon as possible

3:10 PM its really starting to sink in that I won't really get to talk to you or see you if you even ever want to see me again for close to a year
  hopefully sooner
  and hopefully you will want to see me, still sorry again word/type vomitting
3:45 PM Matt: I will miss you tremendously. I am so very sorry to have hurt you and make you feel like you need to distance yourself for several months to gain perspective and think about things from a detached point of view. I do however respect that. Fundamentally I am the same person that you got to know over the last few months. However I have a journey ahead of me to come to grips with the psychological issues that lead me to think it was ok to lie to you like I did. I take ownership of what I did, it was a mistake to lie to you. It was a mistake to not pursue a divorce from Erin before logging onto that site. It would have saved us both some heartache. I treasure(and yes as cheesy as that sounds its the right word) the time I did get to spend with you, laughing, playing and just relaxing. I can't think of a more comforting thought than just sitting on the couch with my arm around you. I realize that my mistakes and lie have quite possibly cost me the chance to ever do that again. I hope they haven't. The me that you got to know was who I am, and the lying monster that buried that mistake is not me. And when we meet again that will never be an issue. I truly want the best for you Tracy, I will miss you and hope that you get what you want out of life. If there is every anything that I can do for you let me know. I will without hesitation do it. So if this truly is goodbye then I want you to know that matter what happens I will always look back fondly on the time we spent together.


3:51 PM I so desperately want to show you that you can get a real honest relationship out of me with zero chance of repeating the past and give you the time that you need to reflect and decide what you want
3:52 PM I have work to do, lots of it  I don't even have snippy comments for this. It both made me sad to read his responses and proud of myself for repeating "band-aid" while not answering. I think this is the best way to get the point across- not responding. My divorced coworker friend was pretty harsh with me when I tried to explain my D+6 idea. I cussed like a sailor in explaining that I know myself better than he does and that I know with time when my emotions aren't the driving force in my decision-making skills that I am a very logical person and am secretly proud of that even when it makes me seem cold sometimes. I know that I have never dated a guy twice because of this logic and that the more days without contact, the less likely I'm gonna change that pattern. I'm not waiting and holding my breath for him. I'm not even sure that in that time I will want to see him ever again. I kind of think that in that time he will move on too. There's no excitement/thrill for him after all and he will have a hard time ahead. I realize that while my heart wants him to pine for me, (lol, words like that make me giggle), my head isn't sure he won't find someone to fill the vacancy.  

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Softening like an Oreo in milk

Thank you for the comments. They've been helpful and encouraging. This morning I felt pretty good, and was thinking that the emailing actually might have helped me a bit. When I saw his email waiting for me I deleted it because I decided that it was futile to try and make him understand how hurtful and destructive he's been and is being to everyone including himself. And that all I could do is wish him luck in getting his life together and not hurting his kid much more. That felt like a good realization and I could handle the day.

Work was a bitch though. My boss knows what is going on and gave me some piece of shit story about finding out a guy she dated for two weeks 20 years ago was married by seeing him and his wife in the grocery store two weeks after it ended. I mean I am sure it wasn't good, but it's not the same. OK, most of my lashing out at her is because I got talked to about how I snapped at the warehouse dick who always hangs up on me. Today wasn't the day to hang up on me. So I got this BS from her in our CEO's office that if the warehouse guys aren't there to ship stuff, then we might as well go home too. That I need to try to be over the top nice to them because they are shorthanded and stressed. Really?? What the fuck am I, if not stressed? And shorthanded? She's been dragging her feet on replacing a girl we lost last August. I'll start taking over my 3rd job title next Tuesday. I think she should have taken me in consideration and given me a pass, not given me this BS. So I am mad and for some reason today that means holding back tears, which makes me more mad and wanting to cry more.

Anyhow, that's how my day started before 10am. And it didn't help that she dropped the Florida tax shit on my desk and told me to get familiar with it to go over in the meetings next week (all the VPs and folk are coming in town) and that she would be back tomorrow about noon. The day is busy and the piece of crap EAP website, that I got from our benefits dept, doesn't have people I can talk to so much as definitions for everything you'd possibly want to talk to a therapist about. Useless! So this is where I begin to falter because it's exactly the kind of time I would talk to Matt and calm down. I have no phone today because I apparently plugged it into the charger, but didn't plug the charger into the wall last night. I can't login to this site to vent because we use a google based email for work and it keeps reverting back to that and not recognizing that I have an actual google acct.

So I open that email I had previously deleted. He starts by saying he hadn't been trying to work it out with her, but just wasn't pushing for a divorce (I snidely commented about how she could get that impression and that I agree that sleeping with your wife is definitely not pushing for divorce and to stop justifying shit you shouldn't even try at.) But then he goes on to tell me that he was actually scheduled to see a shrink that Thursday to figure out how to come clean and work on his relationship issues. He said something about depression and anxiety and not dealing correctly with his relationships. He said he went ahead and met with the guy as everything fell apart last Thursday. He gave me the Drs email addy (said he told the guy that he could give me this info) to confirm that the appt had been made before then and that they did meet. I didn't email the Dr.

He called the Dr after our email convos yesterday, because I said I didn't want to talk or see him until 6 months after the divorce was finalized. That I couldn't even promise that I would want to see him then as a friend, but that I need the space and being single would probably be good for him and even then I would want everything proven to me for a long time.(I also said that I would still provide E with an honest statement about the affair, such as dates or whatever she cared about and that my feelings on that would not change.) So the Dr told him this was a good idea to not communicate for the time of the divorce plus 6 mos (D+6) while they continued to meet. Matt said he was determined to prove to me that he could be the man I need and someone he could be proud of again. That he wants to figure out why he thought this was a viable option to begin with and that he doesn't want to hurt and let anyone down the way he did E and I ever again. He agreed to give me silence and would only contact me to send me a copy of the divorce record unless I contacted him.

So saying I reread that email a lot is somehow an understatement. Do I trust this? Do I email the Dr like my curiosity wants? Am I being optimistic here and setting myself up as a volunteer for history to repeat itself? I didn't respond. I feel like I am being lulled back in and maybe by some truths, but how do I trust it. I feel I am losing sight of the fact that he lied and cheated on E, who had more of a claim than I ever did. So confused. He IMed me to tell me it was the 100th birthday of Oreos ( I do love those things). I said thanks and then I did something stupid and said I missed talking to him. Then when he tried to talk more I said I still wanted to do the D+6 plan. I kinda feel like I won't care as much by then and will be able to be logical and not emotionally driven. Then I wanted to talk to him all day. I'll give in eventually, and will dance out of it like today at best.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Why do I let him in even now?

Got an email from M on my way to work. Sat in the parking lot fixing my make up after crying down 435 hwy. I read it a couple times, then responded pretty harshly. I didn't realize I was so angry. I was shaking while typing and could barely focus my thoughts. Then he responded and I cried at work. This happened twice more. Winner day at work.


Today was not a good day. I am nearly useless at work. I alternate from blindingly mad to missing him and ready to break down into tears. Although I have dismissed ideas of talking to a shrink in the past, I emailed our benefits lady to see if we have some kind of program or something.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Better than Yesterday?

Yesterday I went to my cousin's bridal shower with a bottle and a half of wine in me and no food. Yeah, not my best idea, I was charming until I destroyed a breadbowl and dip.

Today I woke up cracking up thinking of the movie M and I have been trying to watch for the last two months. The twist of the movie is that the guy was living dual lives with a couple women, except it's hilarious in the movie, not so awesome in my life.

Thank you, Freddie Mercury for somehow reminding me there is hope for love as I loudly sang the greatest hits.Then I feel bad for questioning Bruce Willis's proclamations of love in Fifth Element last night (Thanks for setting me straight, Kim).

I have some connections that would help me get a quick restraining order if I want it. I am being vindictive in thinking how this will make his divorce even more difficult for him and how it should be conspicuous on his background check for a few years. I'm holding on this to make sure I think this through. Feedback welcomed.

Now I miss him, well, the man I thought I knew. My mental images of him are still laughing and smiling and his thoughtful face. I want to know what is going on. I want to tell him that I miss him and hate him. I have to tell myself, 'No! What's wrong with you? Pathological liar and cheater and general ass'. This is what happens when I am alone in the evening. I've decided to stay at the multiple room suite I got for next weekend that was supposed to be a romantic getaway. I don't know if I can stay alone and sane though. So then I had this great/awful idea to tempt my divorced coworker who's been talking me through this into sleeping with me. I know, I know, divorced? Really Tracy? It's ok, he already showed me his divorce record from 5 yrs ago. But maybe it's not ok to want to use someone a week after this. Maybe I should have a big drinking party with friends instead. I am slowly telling people. It's not my fault and most people are supportive. I haven't told my mom yet. I don't know if the support I would get would be worth the "this doesn't happen to nice Christian girls" look and eventual guilt trip. Maybe I'm being too harsh on her.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Feelings Post-Dirtbag

I hate him. Not a little anymore. I stopped talking to him upon milking the last details from him Friday morning. I had to, because I knew it was dangerous for me to even read his messages. He could still twist a sympathetic feeling from me that he was hurting. Sadly saying that unless he hears different he's gonna assume that I don't wanna go to cakefest with him Sunday. Damn straight I don't, I found someone to go with me at 1am the night/morning before.

Who cheats on their wife just because she was having lunches with someone he doesn't know? Sounds unstable and jealous and how did I never see those traits? I'm thinking because our relationship in which we had soo much in common might have been a lie too. I hate being lied to and cheated on... ok, I understand how that sounded, like who does, right? I'm the girl who doesn't even flirt with someone who is dating someone else, much less married. I won't date anyone who cheated on someone they were in a relationship with either.

I hate him for making me a home-wrecker. I'm the girl I hate in these things. And now I'm the girl who hugs my cat and cries and I'm not sure that's good either. Dirtbag is playing both sides still, or was an hour ago. I hope she destroys him and shows no mercy. I hope she doesn't let him twist words and convince her of anything. I hope she takes that little girl as far from that horrible role-model as possible.

Now I have to be pretty and normal and go to my cousin's bridal shower, where everyone will ask when I'm next, because they all love him. I don't think I can tell them the truth and I don't know how I can smile either.

My Time with Dirtbag....

My name is Tracy, Kim invited me to vent/rant. ThoseDroids? came because I didn't know if I was supposed to use my name, I love star wars, and right now I kinda feel like those Stormtroopers must have felt. I'm leaving it, I like it, yes.

My grammar might be rough, I started trying to read this blog since Kim invited me... barely got through Nov and realized I needed to rant a bit, but not before a 9am drink. Wine is ok on a Saturday morning, right? Classier than the tasty Tank 7 I slept with last night, right? Ooh, and I definitely remembered to take my birth control, because that would be tragic if I ended up prego from that dirtbag. I don't remember how long sperm lives, maybe it doesn't matter today. No chances taken though and more wine!

SO, the story - short version. I have been dating a guy for the last 10 months and he turned out to be a lying dirtbag. I have had some huge anti-commitment and trust issues for a long time. Not helped by past relationships like the last guy I fell in love with married our waitress at the pizza restaurant we had a fight at, lol. That's a whole other trainwreck and is at least amusing to me now, though it f'd me up for a good three years.

Off track and an empty wine bottle, shit. Maybe I will wait on getting another. SO, I dated this guy, ("M" from now on), for 10 months. We met online, then had lunch and found out he has a daughter and we had to go pick her up and continue the date at his apt. I haven't connected with someone this deeply in soo long, so I agreed to go with him. I then can remember sitting on the apt floor eyeballing my purse, ready to bolt, asking several different ways if he was divorced and the living situation. Yes, but due to the economy they still live together, but don't sleep together. They had been divorced for about a year and a half. They were best friends for 13 yrs, and barely married 1 yr, so they get along because they both realized they weren't in love but could remain friends and raise their daughter together since so much happens in those early years. He was laid off when they got divorced and they had moved here for her job, and now that he was employed things could change. They had talked about finding a place close to each other, like in the same building or same complex/community if one of them found someone they wanted to move forward with or when their daughter turned 3. She was just turning two a couple months after we met. She, the ex ("E" from now on), had dated a few guys and M had dated 3, with one lasting a couple months. I was ready to dart out of there at the beginning, but as he talked I could kinda see that being plausible. I know amiable divorce couples, my aunt and her ex raised my cousin and still take family vacations together. So I stayed the night, yeah, I know it seems soon, but we'd been talking for two weeks on messenger, so not a complete quick pick up.

10 mos later... I introduce him to some of my longest friends at the ski trip. I don't do this lightly; I've only ever introduced 3 people total to this group of friends. Two of which are still my oldest/closest friends here at home. I did it because this guy is the best guy I've ever dated and I could see a future with him and want my friends to know him and approve. It wasn't as great as I make it out to be. I was terribly insecure at least every other month. I usually have great intuition and don't even question when I get a red flag about someone- I just get outta there. And I would reconfirm that he was divorced and she was ok with him dating me. Then I would be mad at myself for being insecure and that my anti-commitment ways were looking for a reason to throw away another great guy (I've done it in the past). Ever since his birthday weekend the 27 - 28th of January when we went to a B&B, she, E, has been making his life rough and he tells/alludes that it is because she thought they'd get back together somehow and now that he and I are more serious she's acting out. When we get back from the ski trip I give it a day and then prepare to have a heart-to-heart/pick a fight, basically I'm gonna ask what's the story with him and his ex and if it's really over he needs to move out sooner than the July plan. And if he's thinking of getting back with her, I'm walking. Turns out she had beat me to the fight by about a half hour and gave him the same ultimatum. Good, I thought.

So the last two weeks, she's been crazy. I finally broke my rule to not talk badly about her to him and called her a couple names  to him when she threatened to take the kid back home to no-one-cares-middle-of-nowhere pan handle, Oklahoma. I told him to fight her, because he's a good father and she's barely around and she just wants to take the kid to her family hometown so her parents can do the parenting while she lives her life. That little girl is incredibly smart and all around awesome and deserves better than an unstable, uncaring parent. He narrowed it down to two apts and we talked about me moving in next month.

Thursday... met at the apt for lunch, but not to eat, only because it is close and has bed. Funny, that morning as I was driving into work I remember thinking 'this is exactly what I wore when we met in May', there's something poetic there, but anyway. So we are getting ready to leave the apt and there's the sound of keys rattling in the door. I'm shoved in a closet. I can hear surprise that he's home, then "where is she??" I'm debating whether to come out of the closet or be discovered when, surprise, the door flies open and I avoid a punch. He grabs her and is holding her as she is yelling "Get out of my house" and "Does he tell you he's going to 'fix it'?" and "Did he tell you we were still having sex" and back to "Get out of my house". I walk to the front door, get my stuff and leave. Priceless moment... the audience of hispanic roof workers having lunch outside the apt smirking at the drama. I still think she's delusional and having issues coming to terms with the reality that they are never getting back together. But as I'm checking my rearview mirror at every stoplight for a psycho ex-wife, I begin to think I can settle my mind with a divorce record and why didn't I ever think of this before. Back at work, there's some light IM convo between us about how mad he is she did that, and how he had to sit in his car and calm down before going back to work. And that he is sorry she took a swing at me, I say I think it surprised both of us and it was kinda half hearted and she seemed surprised she did it too. Meanwhile I am scouring the internet for this divorce record and getting frustrated that I can't find a damn free site online. The public records for JoCo didn't have it, but I'm not entirely sure I have the right county. A friend at work that is divorced and that I have been confiding my insecurities tells me to just ask M for it. I lean away from this for a bit because I feel like I will seem like the insecure gf again, and I hate that. But seconds later I message that his ex is pretty, why'd you get divorced again, you are divorced, right? and not recently (with a smiley), I hate to be insecure, but could you show me a nice divorce doc and make me happier and then I'll never have to ask again. Waiting. More waiting. Reply!: "no". WTH does that mean? "It means I have no nice divorce record to show you, because I'm still married" BAM, knocked on ass. I dropped a couple "fuck, shit, cock"'s at my desk and then apologized to my office mates. Ok, Ok, let's hear the story, maybe there's a reasonable explanation somewhere.

The remainder of that afternoon is a "coming clean" (but turns out to be with more lies). Yes, he's still married. He only did it because he didn't think we'd become serious and then when he really cared about me he didn't know how to come clean. He and E had already decided that divorce was best 6 mos before we met. She had dated 1-2 other guys, (this felt like a lie. I mean which is it 1 or 2?), but she's been lonely lately and changed her mind about divorce. And while yes, he's still technically married and he's sorry he lied to me, he hopes we can be together in the future. I'm reeling, I'm shocked and in disbelief that I ignored my own red flags. I love him, and my mind isn't ready to accept this completely. I get a little angry that evening and realize I want to cry and throw things, but I can't put this together with the person I knew. I'm willing to forgive the lying and can even oddly understand the inability to get out of a lie (ok, most of us learned to not lie in grade school), the trapped feeling and that meeting someone online lets you be whoever you want. But as the emotions settled a bit I told him when he texted at 1am asking for forgiveness again, "I can forgive and oddly understand the trapped feeling of lying, but bottom line is you're still married and unavailable. You made me an affair; you made me the girl I normally hate".

Friday... I barely slept and ignore all his messages until I get to work where gchat can record everything. I have had enough time for the emotional roller coaster to stop at angry. However, I want details. My mind needs details to move past this and I am known to think things to death, which requires details. So I sound like I am willing to forgive all as long as he gives me complete honesty and to tell me if he can't give me that. He agrees and the real truth comes out. She didn't know I existed until December. The last time they had sex was in January right before his birthday. He asked for a divorce in January after the B&B weekend. She never dated anyone else, but she was having lunches with a guy he didn't know and wasn't able to meet before we met. He got on the site to find someone to cheat on her with because he was mad about the lunches. He actually only went on one other date before he met me and I wish I was that girl who never saw him again. Now I am angry, pissed, vindictive. I have all my details, I think. My only communication is to tell him the address to mail my book back to me and to snap at him for asking how my day is and how my lunch was - we're not ok, we're not friends, you don't get to talk to me like it's a normal Friday. Well, I do ask if he knows how badly he f'd up. That she will take 80% or close to it. She'll dictate custody and take their daughter wherever she wants, and he'd be lucky if the main contribution to her life was more than financial. He goes on and on about how that has been weighing on him and he can't focus at work, like I care? Shithead wasn't thinking of his daughter when he was cheating. Complete disregard for his family, and disrespect for his wife, the person he made vows to and was once his best friend. I may have been dumb, but I'm not that dumb. Why would I be anywhere near someone who can do this to someone that they once loved and started a family with??

So I have been debating the last couple days on contacting E. I asked Kim and my work friend. Kim pointed out to consider if I wanted to be involved in their divorce, but that she probably wouldn't hate me. My work friend said do it, but to write a statement she can use in court. Oldest guy friend, Chad said it was the worst idea ever and just leave it all alone. It wasn't til this morning that I realized that the phone number that was trying to call me Thursday while I was talking to Chad was her and she left a teary vm that I just got around to listening to ( I hate vm, that's why I didn't leave one the other day, sorry, Kim). So I decided to go with my gut that I have ignored long enough. I feel stable enough today and he gave me the tracking number for my book being mailed back to me. I love my books, lol. So I texted her, "I just listed to your vm. I didn't recognize the number. I just wanted to let you know that I didn't know you were married until Thursday afternoon when I demanded to see actual divorce papers. I'm so sorry and disgusted. I didn't learn the full extent until Friday and if you have any questions or need a statement from me for a lawyer let me know, otherwise I want as far from this as possible."

Meanwhile he's still texting me that he's sorry and take my time to think and he really misses me and wants me back at any cost, blah blah blah. She responds an hour later, "Thank you. My understanding had been that you knew and did not care." Ugh, so I texted her back saying it wasn't the case and while I am hurt, I can't fathom what she must feel and that I am willing to be completely honest with her if she has any questions. Then I message her again immediately afterwards, "I don't know if he is still lying to you, but he's still asking me back. My moral compass isn't that f'd to consider it, but I wanted you to know and not believe his lies. Again I'm sorry." She immediately thanks me for this information and said he is then playing both sides still because he is telling her that he's seen the light and such and this helps her tremendously. She lets me know that she's going to confront him when he gets back to the apt, because he doesn't know we've been talking yet. I told her that I think he's afraid of what she can do to him in a divorce and of being empty handed. And that she and her daughter deserve far better than that and that this was unreal and to not hesitate to ask me for anything and good luck.

I feel so angry and duped. The writing and wine have calmed me considerably. The most soothing thing has been talking to her and realizing she doesn't hate me. That I helped in a small way by telling her that he's still lying and can't be trusted. I slept 11 hours last night and I think that helped too. He hasn't texted asking how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and when can we meet since E and I's last text. I guess she confronted him and now he has a good idea how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and that meeting isn't likely.

Kim, thank you for letting me rant my story. It feels good to tell someone and I haven't told more than 3 people because I am soo embarrassed and yet, I want people to know and not tell me, 'Aw, I liked him and thought you guys were good together'... that makes a bit of bile rise in my mouth and my eyes sting. I know this is insanely long and feel free to cut whatever or get rid of it altogether.