Haha! I win work computer.. kinda. I figured out how to log in at work, but the features don't really show up and it doesn't let me format my posts, but I can post, so it's a win for me, lol.
So I baked for food day and drank some (lots) of wine while baking and fell asleep before 9 last night as the comp was still loading. I'm still tired today and achy for some reason. I packed for the hotel suites this weekend, which basically means a ridiculous amount of electronics are in my trunk right now, because I got some crazy idea to take my sound system , which I only started to question half way through disconnecting wires from the receiver. Anyhow, yay, movie watching goodness! I also packed cookie making supplies and excessive amounts of wine. I'm become very partial to a tasty merlot recently and is like the friend I can't leave home without.
So while I normally have nothing against March Madness, I am irritated by it right now. I had almost convinced my coworker friend to come to the hotel and go out with me tonight and tomar, but now he got tix to this weekend's Big 12 games from his HS friend. I lost to basketball... fail. I considered going out alone, but am so tired today that I think I will hang out in the hot tub.
So odd and random news.... haha, exciting live breaking news moment, ok not so "live" by the time most of you read this, meh. I literally just got a text from the wife. Matt is moving out tonight/Saturday to a friend's place. She wants to meet sometime after he leaves Saturday or Sunday to "explain the relationship" and that she doesn't really have anyone else that knows the situation. She wants to give her "version of the last years". What do you think? Is this a good idea? I told her I'd have to think about it. I feel a little panicky and trapped by it, like I need to find a public place that will be easy enough to hide our conversation. Thoughts??
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Nearly Radio Silence....
I was so good today. I read your comments and kept saying "band-aid" when I saw new messages through my day. I'm a dork, I know. I almost succeeded through the whole day, but really I just laid out one long message and let him respond until he really got the idea. If I'm honest I'm using my new hope in therapy to justify in hope that therapy makes him an option in the future, but in a deeper place I think I will move on before that happens if I really can distance myself. I think I am ok posting here for a bit before seeking a therapist. Their topics are confusing as hell and I've survived this far. When I think about my reasons, I am afraid I just want someone to tell me what to do and that I'd weight their directions as an "authority". Ehh, that realization makes me want to wait and see what I can do with friends. Below are the days communications.
ME
so today I am a little better than yesterday. I think I mostly had a breakdown due to stress here at work and more issues with letting go. But today I am better and I have amazing friends which helps too
ME
so today I am a little better than yesterday. I think I mostly had a breakdown due to stress here at work and more issues with letting go. But today I am better and I have amazing friends which helps too
2:25 PM I'd
like to maintain as best as possible a silence between us. I will miss
our communications and I will want to tell you things, but I need to
give you some space to figure things out. I'd like to think 6 months
after the divorce is finalized is appropriate, or D+6 from here on.
2:27 PM I
know that that may mean a year or more.
2:31 PM I'm
ok with updates as a friend, and maybe more casual conversation
eventually. I need the space too to make sure I am looking at this
logically, which may sound cold, but it is smart. And I know myself and
that I need to make the logical part of me happy, and I'm not sure
that's part of an "us" future when I think of the evidence of our past
relationship Matt: I can respect that, what do you mean be when you say I'm not sure thats a part of an "us" future?
2:33 PM I
can tell you this, I will be sad about silence between us, I miss our
conversation, I've felt very lonely, but understand your perspective,
and will honor it. You won't hear much from me other than random
updates or if something epic happens
2:34 PM my plans are to file within the week, and move on. Honestly I'd really like to get to that D+6 months as soon as possible
3:10 PM its
really starting to sink in that I won't really get to talk to you or
see you if you even ever want to see me again for close to a year
hopefully sooner
and hopefully you will want to see me, still sorry again word/type vomitting
3:45 PM Matt:
I will miss you tremendously. I am so very sorry to have hurt you and
make you feel like you need to distance yourself for several months to
gain perspective and think about things from a detached point of view. I
do however respect that. Fundamentally I am the same person that you
got to know over the last few months. However I have a journey ahead of
me to come to grips with the psychological issues that lead me to think
it was ok to lie to you like I did. I take ownership of what I did, it
was a mistake to lie to you. It was a mistake to not pursue a divorce
from Erin before logging onto that site. It would have saved us both
some heartache. I treasure(and yes as cheesy as that sounds its the
right word) the time I did get to spend with you, laughing, playing and
just relaxing. I can't think of a more comforting thought than just
sitting on the couch with my arm around you. I realize that my mistakes
and lie have quite possibly cost me the chance to ever do that again. I
hope they haven't. The me that you got to know was who I am, and the
lying monster that buried that mistake is not me. And when we meet
again that will never be an issue. I truly want the best for you Tracy,
I will miss you and hope that you get what you want out of life. If
there is every anything that I can do for you let me know. I will
without hesitation do it. So if this truly is goodbye then I want you
to know that matter what happens I will always look back fondly on the
time we spent together.
3:51 PM I
so desperately want to show you that you can get a real honest
relationship out of me with zero chance of repeating the past and give
you the time that you need to reflect and decide what you want
3:52 PM I have work to do, lots of it I don't even have snippy comments for this. It both made me sad to read his responses and proud of myself for repeating "band-aid" while not answering. I think this is the best way to get the point across- not responding. My divorced coworker friend was pretty harsh with me when I tried to explain my D+6 idea. I cussed like a sailor in explaining that I know myself better than he does and that I know with time when my emotions aren't the driving force in my decision-making skills that I am a very logical person and am secretly proud of that even when it makes me seem cold sometimes. I know that I have never dated a guy twice because of this logic and that the more days without contact, the less likely I'm gonna change that pattern. I'm not waiting and holding my breath for him. I'm not even sure that in that time I will want to see him ever again. I kind of think that in that time he will move on too. There's no excitement/thrill for him after all and he will have a hard time ahead. I realize that while my heart wants him to pine for me, (lol, words like that make me giggle), my head isn't sure he won't find someone to fill the vacancy.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Softening like an Oreo in milk
Thank you for the comments. They've been helpful and encouraging. This morning I felt pretty good, and was thinking that the emailing actually might have helped me a bit. When I saw his email waiting for me I deleted it because I decided that it was futile to try and make him understand how hurtful and destructive he's been and is being to everyone including himself. And that all I could do is wish him luck in getting his life together and not hurting his kid much more. That felt like a good realization and I could handle the day.
Work was a bitch though. My boss knows what is going on and gave me some piece of shit story about finding out a guy she dated for two weeks 20 years ago was married by seeing him and his wife in the grocery store two weeks after it ended. I mean I am sure it wasn't good, but it's not the same. OK, most of my lashing out at her is because I got talked to about how I snapped at the warehouse dick who always hangs up on me. Today wasn't the day to hang up on me. So I got this BS from her in our CEO's office that if the warehouse guys aren't there to ship stuff, then we might as well go home too. That I need to try to be over the top nice to them because they are shorthanded and stressed. Really?? What the fuck am I, if not stressed? And shorthanded? She's been dragging her feet on replacing a girl we lost last August. I'll start taking over my 3rd job title next Tuesday. I think she should have taken me in consideration and given me a pass, not given me this BS. So I am mad and for some reason today that means holding back tears, which makes me more mad and wanting to cry more.
Anyhow, that's how my day started before 10am. And it didn't help that she dropped the Florida tax shit on my desk and told me to get familiar with it to go over in the meetings next week (all the VPs and folk are coming in town) and that she would be back tomorrow about noon. The day is busy and the piece of crap EAP website, that I got from our benefits dept, doesn't have people I can talk to so much as definitions for everything you'd possibly want to talk to a therapist about. Useless! So this is where I begin to falter because it's exactly the kind of time I would talk to Matt and calm down. I have no phone today because I apparently plugged it into the charger, but didn't plug the charger into the wall last night. I can't login to this site to vent because we use a google based email for work and it keeps reverting back to that and not recognizing that I have an actual google acct.
So I open that email I had previously deleted. He starts by saying he hadn't been trying to work it out with her, but just wasn't pushing for a divorce (I snidely commented about how she could get that impression and that I agree that sleeping with your wife is definitely not pushing for divorce and to stop justifying shit you shouldn't even try at.) But then he goes on to tell me that he was actually scheduled to see a shrink that Thursday to figure out how to come clean and work on his relationship issues. He said something about depression and anxiety and not dealing correctly with his relationships. He said he went ahead and met with the guy as everything fell apart last Thursday. He gave me the Drs email addy (said he told the guy that he could give me this info) to confirm that the appt had been made before then and that they did meet. I didn't email the Dr.
He called the Dr after our email convos yesterday, because I said I didn't want to talk or see him until 6 months after the divorce was finalized. That I couldn't even promise that I would want to see him then as a friend, but that I need the space and being single would probably be good for him and even then I would want everything proven to me for a long time.(I also said that I would still provide E with an honest statement about the affair, such as dates or whatever she cared about and that my feelings on that would not change.) So the Dr told him this was a good idea to not communicate for the time of the divorce plus 6 mos (D+6) while they continued to meet. Matt said he was determined to prove to me that he could be the man I need and someone he could be proud of again. That he wants to figure out why he thought this was a viable option to begin with and that he doesn't want to hurt and let anyone down the way he did E and I ever again. He agreed to give me silence and would only contact me to send me a copy of the divorce record unless I contacted him.
So saying I reread that email a lot is somehow an understatement. Do I trust this? Do I email the Dr like my curiosity wants? Am I being optimistic here and setting myself up as a volunteer for history to repeat itself? I didn't respond. I feel like I am being lulled back in and maybe by some truths, but how do I trust it. I feel I am losing sight of the fact that he lied and cheated on E, who had more of a claim than I ever did. So confused. He IMed me to tell me it was the 100th birthday of Oreos ( I do love those things). I said thanks and then I did something stupid and said I missed talking to him. Then when he tried to talk more I said I still wanted to do the D+6 plan. I kinda feel like I won't care as much by then and will be able to be logical and not emotionally driven. Then I wanted to talk to him all day. I'll give in eventually, and will dance out of it like today at best.
Work was a bitch though. My boss knows what is going on and gave me some piece of shit story about finding out a guy she dated for two weeks 20 years ago was married by seeing him and his wife in the grocery store two weeks after it ended. I mean I am sure it wasn't good, but it's not the same. OK, most of my lashing out at her is because I got talked to about how I snapped at the warehouse dick who always hangs up on me. Today wasn't the day to hang up on me. So I got this BS from her in our CEO's office that if the warehouse guys aren't there to ship stuff, then we might as well go home too. That I need to try to be over the top nice to them because they are shorthanded and stressed. Really?? What the fuck am I, if not stressed? And shorthanded? She's been dragging her feet on replacing a girl we lost last August. I'll start taking over my 3rd job title next Tuesday. I think she should have taken me in consideration and given me a pass, not given me this BS. So I am mad and for some reason today that means holding back tears, which makes me more mad and wanting to cry more.
Anyhow, that's how my day started before 10am. And it didn't help that she dropped the Florida tax shit on my desk and told me to get familiar with it to go over in the meetings next week (all the VPs and folk are coming in town) and that she would be back tomorrow about noon. The day is busy and the piece of crap EAP website, that I got from our benefits dept, doesn't have people I can talk to so much as definitions for everything you'd possibly want to talk to a therapist about. Useless! So this is where I begin to falter because it's exactly the kind of time I would talk to Matt and calm down. I have no phone today because I apparently plugged it into the charger, but didn't plug the charger into the wall last night. I can't login to this site to vent because we use a google based email for work and it keeps reverting back to that and not recognizing that I have an actual google acct.
So I open that email I had previously deleted. He starts by saying he hadn't been trying to work it out with her, but just wasn't pushing for a divorce (I snidely commented about how she could get that impression and that I agree that sleeping with your wife is definitely not pushing for divorce and to stop justifying shit you shouldn't even try at.) But then he goes on to tell me that he was actually scheduled to see a shrink that Thursday to figure out how to come clean and work on his relationship issues. He said something about depression and anxiety and not dealing correctly with his relationships. He said he went ahead and met with the guy as everything fell apart last Thursday. He gave me the Drs email addy (said he told the guy that he could give me this info) to confirm that the appt had been made before then and that they did meet. I didn't email the Dr.
He called the Dr after our email convos yesterday, because I said I didn't want to talk or see him until 6 months after the divorce was finalized. That I couldn't even promise that I would want to see him then as a friend, but that I need the space and being single would probably be good for him and even then I would want everything proven to me for a long time.(I also said that I would still provide E with an honest statement about the affair, such as dates or whatever she cared about and that my feelings on that would not change.) So the Dr told him this was a good idea to not communicate for the time of the divorce plus 6 mos (D+6) while they continued to meet. Matt said he was determined to prove to me that he could be the man I need and someone he could be proud of again. That he wants to figure out why he thought this was a viable option to begin with and that he doesn't want to hurt and let anyone down the way he did E and I ever again. He agreed to give me silence and would only contact me to send me a copy of the divorce record unless I contacted him.
So saying I reread that email a lot is somehow an understatement. Do I trust this? Do I email the Dr like my curiosity wants? Am I being optimistic here and setting myself up as a volunteer for history to repeat itself? I didn't respond. I feel like I am being lulled back in and maybe by some truths, but how do I trust it. I feel I am losing sight of the fact that he lied and cheated on E, who had more of a claim than I ever did. So confused. He IMed me to tell me it was the 100th birthday of Oreos ( I do love those things). I said thanks and then I did something stupid and said I missed talking to him. Then when he tried to talk more I said I still wanted to do the D+6 plan. I kinda feel like I won't care as much by then and will be able to be logical and not emotionally driven. Then I wanted to talk to him all day. I'll give in eventually, and will dance out of it like today at best.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Why do I let him in even now?
Got an email from M on my way to work. Sat in the parking lot fixing my make up after crying down 435 hwy. I read it a couple times, then responded pretty harshly. I didn't realize I was so angry. I was shaking while typing and could barely focus my thoughts. Then he responded and I cried at work. This happened twice more. Winner day at work.
Today was not a good day. I am nearly useless at work. I alternate from blindingly mad to missing him and ready to break down into tears. Although I have dismissed ideas of talking to a shrink in the past, I emailed our benefits lady to see if we have some kind of program or something.
Today was not a good day. I am nearly useless at work. I alternate from blindingly mad to missing him and ready to break down into tears. Although I have dismissed ideas of talking to a shrink in the past, I emailed our benefits lady to see if we have some kind of program or something.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Better than Yesterday?
Yesterday I went to my cousin's bridal shower with a bottle and a half of wine in me and no food. Yeah, not my best idea, I was charming until I destroyed a breadbowl and dip.
Today I woke up cracking up thinking of the movie M and I have been trying to watch for the last two months. The twist of the movie is that the guy was living dual lives with a couple women, except it's hilarious in the movie, not so awesome in my life.
Thank you, Freddie Mercury for somehow reminding me there is hope for love as I loudly sang the greatest hits.Then I feel bad for questioning Bruce Willis's proclamations of love in Fifth Element last night (Thanks for setting me straight, Kim).
I have some connections that would help me get a quick restraining order if I want it. I am being vindictive in thinking how this will make his divorce even more difficult for him and how it should be conspicuous on his background check for a few years. I'm holding on this to make sure I think this through. Feedback welcomed.
Now I miss him, well, the man I thought I knew. My mental images of him are still laughing and smiling and his thoughtful face. I want to know what is going on. I want to tell him that I miss him and hate him. I have to tell myself, 'No! What's wrong with you? Pathological liar and cheater and general ass'. This is what happens when I am alone in the evening. I've decided to stay at the multiple room suite I got for next weekend that was supposed to be a romantic getaway. I don't know if I can stay alone and sane though. So then I had this great/awful idea to tempt my divorced coworker who's been talking me through this into sleeping with me. I know, I know, divorced? Really Tracy? It's ok, he already showed me his divorce record from 5 yrs ago. But maybe it's not ok to want to use someone a week after this. Maybe I should have a big drinking party with friends instead. I am slowly telling people. It's not my fault and most people are supportive. I haven't told my mom yet. I don't know if the support I would get would be worth the "this doesn't happen to nice Christian girls" look and eventual guilt trip. Maybe I'm being too harsh on her.
Today I woke up cracking up thinking of the movie M and I have been trying to watch for the last two months. The twist of the movie is that the guy was living dual lives with a couple women, except it's hilarious in the movie, not so awesome in my life.
Thank you, Freddie Mercury for somehow reminding me there is hope for love as I loudly sang the greatest hits.Then I feel bad for questioning Bruce Willis's proclamations of love in Fifth Element last night (Thanks for setting me straight, Kim).
I have some connections that would help me get a quick restraining order if I want it. I am being vindictive in thinking how this will make his divorce even more difficult for him and how it should be conspicuous on his background check for a few years. I'm holding on this to make sure I think this through. Feedback welcomed.
Now I miss him, well, the man I thought I knew. My mental images of him are still laughing and smiling and his thoughtful face. I want to know what is going on. I want to tell him that I miss him and hate him. I have to tell myself, 'No! What's wrong with you? Pathological liar and cheater and general ass'. This is what happens when I am alone in the evening. I've decided to stay at the multiple room suite I got for next weekend that was supposed to be a romantic getaway. I don't know if I can stay alone and sane though. So then I had this great/awful idea to tempt my divorced coworker who's been talking me through this into sleeping with me. I know, I know, divorced? Really Tracy? It's ok, he already showed me his divorce record from 5 yrs ago. But maybe it's not ok to want to use someone a week after this. Maybe I should have a big drinking party with friends instead. I am slowly telling people. It's not my fault and most people are supportive. I haven't told my mom yet. I don't know if the support I would get would be worth the "this doesn't happen to nice Christian girls" look and eventual guilt trip. Maybe I'm being too harsh on her.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Feelings Post-Dirtbag
I hate him. Not a little anymore. I stopped talking to him upon milking the last details from him Friday morning. I had to, because I knew it was dangerous for me to even read his messages. He could still twist a sympathetic feeling from me that he was hurting. Sadly saying that unless he hears different he's gonna assume that I don't wanna go to cakefest with him Sunday. Damn straight I don't, I found someone to go with me at 1am the night/morning before.
Who cheats on their wife just because she was having lunches with someone he doesn't know? Sounds unstable and jealous and how did I never see those traits? I'm thinking because our relationship in which we had soo much in common might have been a lie too. I hate being lied to and cheated on... ok, I understand how that sounded, like who does, right? I'm the girl who doesn't even flirt with someone who is dating someone else, much less married. I won't date anyone who cheated on someone they were in a relationship with either.
I hate him for making me a home-wrecker. I'm the girl I hate in these things. And now I'm the girl who hugs my cat and cries and I'm not sure that's good either. Dirtbag is playing both sides still, or was an hour ago. I hope she destroys him and shows no mercy. I hope she doesn't let him twist words and convince her of anything. I hope she takes that little girl as far from that horrible role-model as possible.
Now I have to be pretty and normal and go to my cousin's bridal shower, where everyone will ask when I'm next, because they all love him. I don't think I can tell them the truth and I don't know how I can smile either.
Who cheats on their wife just because she was having lunches with someone he doesn't know? Sounds unstable and jealous and how did I never see those traits? I'm thinking because our relationship in which we had soo much in common might have been a lie too. I hate being lied to and cheated on... ok, I understand how that sounded, like who does, right? I'm the girl who doesn't even flirt with someone who is dating someone else, much less married. I won't date anyone who cheated on someone they were in a relationship with either.
I hate him for making me a home-wrecker. I'm the girl I hate in these things. And now I'm the girl who hugs my cat and cries and I'm not sure that's good either. Dirtbag is playing both sides still, or was an hour ago. I hope she destroys him and shows no mercy. I hope she doesn't let him twist words and convince her of anything. I hope she takes that little girl as far from that horrible role-model as possible.
Now I have to be pretty and normal and go to my cousin's bridal shower, where everyone will ask when I'm next, because they all love him. I don't think I can tell them the truth and I don't know how I can smile either.
My Time with Dirtbag....
My name is Tracy, Kim invited me to vent/rant. ThoseDroids? came because I didn't know if I was supposed to use my name, I love star wars, and right now I kinda feel like those Stormtroopers must have felt. I'm leaving it, I like it, yes.
My grammar might be rough, I started trying to read this blog since Kim invited me... barely got through Nov and realized I needed to rant a bit, but not before a 9am drink. Wine is ok on a Saturday morning, right? Classier than the tasty Tank 7 I slept with last night, right? Ooh, and I definitely remembered to take my birth control, because that would be tragic if I ended up prego from that dirtbag. I don't remember how long sperm lives, maybe it doesn't matter today. No chances taken though and more wine!
SO, the story - short version. I have been dating a guy for the last 10 months and he turned out to be a lying dirtbag. I have had some huge anti-commitment and trust issues for a long time. Not helped by past relationships like the last guy I fell in love with married our waitress at the pizza restaurant we had a fight at, lol. That's a whole other trainwreck and is at least amusing to me now, though it f'd me up for a good three years.
Off track and an empty wine bottle, shit. Maybe I will wait on getting another. SO, I dated this guy, ("M" from now on), for 10 months. We met online, then had lunch and found out he has a daughter and we had to go pick her up and continue the date at his apt. I haven't connected with someone this deeply in soo long, so I agreed to go with him. I then can remember sitting on the apt floor eyeballing my purse, ready to bolt, asking several different ways if he was divorced and the living situation. Yes, but due to the economy they still live together, but don't sleep together. They had been divorced for about a year and a half. They were best friends for 13 yrs, and barely married 1 yr, so they get along because they both realized they weren't in love but could remain friends and raise their daughter together since so much happens in those early years. He was laid off when they got divorced and they had moved here for her job, and now that he was employed things could change. They had talked about finding a place close to each other, like in the same building or same complex/community if one of them found someone they wanted to move forward with or when their daughter turned 3. She was just turning two a couple months after we met. She, the ex ("E" from now on), had dated a few guys and M had dated 3, with one lasting a couple months. I was ready to dart out of there at the beginning, but as he talked I could kinda see that being plausible. I know amiable divorce couples, my aunt and her ex raised my cousin and still take family vacations together. So I stayed the night, yeah, I know it seems soon, but we'd been talking for two weeks on messenger, so not a complete quick pick up.
10 mos later... I introduce him to some of my longest friends at the ski trip. I don't do this lightly; I've only ever introduced 3 people total to this group of friends. Two of which are still my oldest/closest friends here at home. I did it because this guy is the best guy I've ever dated and I could see a future with him and want my friends to know him and approve. It wasn't as great as I make it out to be. I was terribly insecure at least every other month. I usually have great intuition and don't even question when I get a red flag about someone- I just get outta there. And I would reconfirm that he was divorced and she was ok with him dating me. Then I would be mad at myself for being insecure and that my anti-commitment ways were looking for a reason to throw away another great guy (I've done it in the past). Ever since his birthday weekend the 27 - 28th of January when we went to a B&B, she, E, has been making his life rough and he tells/alludes that it is because she thought they'd get back together somehow and now that he and I are more serious she's acting out. When we get back from the ski trip I give it a day and then prepare to have a heart-to-heart/pick a fight, basically I'm gonna ask what's the story with him and his ex and if it's really over he needs to move out sooner than the July plan. And if he's thinking of getting back with her, I'm walking. Turns out she had beat me to the fight by about a half hour and gave him the same ultimatum. Good, I thought.
So the last two weeks, she's been crazy. I finally broke my rule to not talk badly about her to him and called her a couple names to him when she threatened to take the kid back home to no-one-cares-middle-of-nowhere pan handle, Oklahoma. I told him to fight her, because he's a good father and she's barely around and she just wants to take the kid to her family hometown so her parents can do the parenting while she lives her life. That little girl is incredibly smart and all around awesome and deserves better than an unstable, uncaring parent. He narrowed it down to two apts and we talked about me moving in next month.
Thursday... met at the apt for lunch, but not to eat, only because it is close and has bed. Funny, that morning as I was driving into work I remember thinking 'this is exactly what I wore when we met in May', there's something poetic there, but anyway. So we are getting ready to leave the apt and there's the sound of keys rattling in the door. I'm shoved in a closet. I can hear surprise that he's home, then "where is she??" I'm debating whether to come out of the closet or be discovered when, surprise, the door flies open and I avoid a punch. He grabs her and is holding her as she is yelling "Get out of my house" and "Does he tell you he's going to 'fix it'?" and "Did he tell you we were still having sex" and back to "Get out of my house". I walk to the front door, get my stuff and leave. Priceless moment... the audience of hispanic roof workers having lunch outside the apt smirking at the drama. I still think she's delusional and having issues coming to terms with the reality that they are never getting back together. But as I'm checking my rearview mirror at every stoplight for a psycho ex-wife, I begin to think I can settle my mind with a divorce record and why didn't I ever think of this before. Back at work, there's some light IM convo between us about how mad he is she did that, and how he had to sit in his car and calm down before going back to work. And that he is sorry she took a swing at me, I say I think it surprised both of us and it was kinda half hearted and she seemed surprised she did it too. Meanwhile I am scouring the internet for this divorce record and getting frustrated that I can't find a damn free site online. The public records for JoCo didn't have it, but I'm not entirely sure I have the right county. A friend at work that is divorced and that I have been confiding my insecurities tells me to just ask M for it. I lean away from this for a bit because I feel like I will seem like the insecure gf again, and I hate that. But seconds later I message that his ex is pretty, why'd you get divorced again, you are divorced, right? and not recently (with a smiley), I hate to be insecure, but could you show me a nice divorce doc and make me happier and then I'll never have to ask again. Waiting. More waiting. Reply!: "no". WTH does that mean? "It means I have no nice divorce record to show you, because I'm still married" BAM, knocked on ass. I dropped a couple "fuck, shit, cock"'s at my desk and then apologized to my office mates. Ok, Ok, let's hear the story, maybe there's a reasonable explanation somewhere.
The remainder of that afternoon is a "coming clean" (but turns out to be with more lies). Yes, he's still married. He only did it because he didn't think we'd become serious and then when he really cared about me he didn't know how to come clean. He and E had already decided that divorce was best 6 mos before we met. She had dated 1-2 other guys, (this felt like a lie. I mean which is it 1 or 2?), but she's been lonely lately and changed her mind about divorce. And while yes, he's still technically married and he's sorry he lied to me, he hopes we can be together in the future. I'm reeling, I'm shocked and in disbelief that I ignored my own red flags. I love him, and my mind isn't ready to accept this completely. I get a little angry that evening and realize I want to cry and throw things, but I can't put this together with the person I knew. I'm willing to forgive the lying and can even oddly understand the inability to get out of a lie (ok, most of us learned to not lie in grade school), the trapped feeling and that meeting someone online lets you be whoever you want. But as the emotions settled a bit I told him when he texted at 1am asking for forgiveness again, "I can forgive and oddly understand the trapped feeling of lying, but bottom line is you're still married and unavailable. You made me an affair; you made me the girl I normally hate".
Friday... I barely slept and ignore all his messages until I get to work where gchat can record everything. I have had enough time for the emotional roller coaster to stop at angry. However, I want details. My mind needs details to move past this and I am known to think things to death, which requires details. So I sound like I am willing to forgive all as long as he gives me complete honesty and to tell me if he can't give me that. He agrees and the real truth comes out. She didn't know I existed until December. The last time they had sex was in January right before his birthday. He asked for a divorce in January after the B&B weekend. She never dated anyone else, but she was having lunches with a guy he didn't know and wasn't able to meet before we met. He got on the site to find someone to cheat on her with because he was mad about the lunches. He actually only went on one other date before he met me and I wish I was that girl who never saw him again. Now I am angry, pissed, vindictive. I have all my details, I think. My only communication is to tell him the address to mail my book back to me and to snap at him for asking how my day is and how my lunch was - we're not ok, we're not friends, you don't get to talk to me like it's a normal Friday. Well, I do ask if he knows how badly he f'd up. That she will take 80% or close to it. She'll dictate custody and take their daughter wherever she wants, and he'd be lucky if the main contribution to her life was more than financial. He goes on and on about how that has been weighing on him and he can't focus at work, like I care? Shithead wasn't thinking of his daughter when he was cheating. Complete disregard for his family, and disrespect for his wife, the person he made vows to and was once his best friend. I may have been dumb, but I'm not that dumb. Why would I be anywhere near someone who can do this to someone that they once loved and started a family with??
So I have been debating the last couple days on contacting E. I asked Kim and my work friend. Kim pointed out to consider if I wanted to be involved in their divorce, but that she probably wouldn't hate me. My work friend said do it, but to write a statement she can use in court. Oldest guy friend, Chad said it was the worst idea ever and just leave it all alone. It wasn't til this morning that I realized that the phone number that was trying to call me Thursday while I was talking to Chad was her and she left a teary vm that I just got around to listening to ( I hate vm, that's why I didn't leave one the other day, sorry, Kim). So I decided to go with my gut that I have ignored long enough. I feel stable enough today and he gave me the tracking number for my book being mailed back to me. I love my books, lol. So I texted her, "I just listed to your vm. I didn't recognize the number. I just wanted to let you know that I didn't know you were married until Thursday afternoon when I demanded to see actual divorce papers. I'm so sorry and disgusted. I didn't learn the full extent until Friday and if you have any questions or need a statement from me for a lawyer let me know, otherwise I want as far from this as possible."
Meanwhile he's still texting me that he's sorry and take my time to think and he really misses me and wants me back at any cost, blah blah blah. She responds an hour later, "Thank you. My understanding had been that you knew and did not care." Ugh, so I texted her back saying it wasn't the case and while I am hurt, I can't fathom what she must feel and that I am willing to be completely honest with her if she has any questions. Then I message her again immediately afterwards, "I don't know if he is still lying to you, but he's still asking me back. My moral compass isn't that f'd to consider it, but I wanted you to know and not believe his lies. Again I'm sorry." She immediately thanks me for this information and said he is then playing both sides still because he is telling her that he's seen the light and such and this helps her tremendously. She lets me know that she's going to confront him when he gets back to the apt, because he doesn't know we've been talking yet. I told her that I think he's afraid of what she can do to him in a divorce and of being empty handed. And that she and her daughter deserve far better than that and that this was unreal and to not hesitate to ask me for anything and good luck.
I feel so angry and duped. The writing and wine have calmed me considerably. The most soothing thing has been talking to her and realizing she doesn't hate me. That I helped in a small way by telling her that he's still lying and can't be trusted. I slept 11 hours last night and I think that helped too. He hasn't texted asking how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and when can we meet since E and I's last text. I guess she confronted him and now he has a good idea how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and that meeting isn't likely.
Kim, thank you for letting me rant my story. It feels good to tell someone and I haven't told more than 3 people because I am soo embarrassed and yet, I want people to know and not tell me, 'Aw, I liked him and thought you guys were good together'... that makes a bit of bile rise in my mouth and my eyes sting. I know this is insanely long and feel free to cut whatever or get rid of it altogether.
My grammar might be rough, I started trying to read this blog since Kim invited me... barely got through Nov and realized I needed to rant a bit, but not before a 9am drink. Wine is ok on a Saturday morning, right? Classier than the tasty Tank 7 I slept with last night, right? Ooh, and I definitely remembered to take my birth control, because that would be tragic if I ended up prego from that dirtbag. I don't remember how long sperm lives, maybe it doesn't matter today. No chances taken though and more wine!
SO, the story - short version. I have been dating a guy for the last 10 months and he turned out to be a lying dirtbag. I have had some huge anti-commitment and trust issues for a long time. Not helped by past relationships like the last guy I fell in love with married our waitress at the pizza restaurant we had a fight at, lol. That's a whole other trainwreck and is at least amusing to me now, though it f'd me up for a good three years.
Off track and an empty wine bottle, shit. Maybe I will wait on getting another. SO, I dated this guy, ("M" from now on), for 10 months. We met online, then had lunch and found out he has a daughter and we had to go pick her up and continue the date at his apt. I haven't connected with someone this deeply in soo long, so I agreed to go with him. I then can remember sitting on the apt floor eyeballing my purse, ready to bolt, asking several different ways if he was divorced and the living situation. Yes, but due to the economy they still live together, but don't sleep together. They had been divorced for about a year and a half. They were best friends for 13 yrs, and barely married 1 yr, so they get along because they both realized they weren't in love but could remain friends and raise their daughter together since so much happens in those early years. He was laid off when they got divorced and they had moved here for her job, and now that he was employed things could change. They had talked about finding a place close to each other, like in the same building or same complex/community if one of them found someone they wanted to move forward with or when their daughter turned 3. She was just turning two a couple months after we met. She, the ex ("E" from now on), had dated a few guys and M had dated 3, with one lasting a couple months. I was ready to dart out of there at the beginning, but as he talked I could kinda see that being plausible. I know amiable divorce couples, my aunt and her ex raised my cousin and still take family vacations together. So I stayed the night, yeah, I know it seems soon, but we'd been talking for two weeks on messenger, so not a complete quick pick up.
10 mos later... I introduce him to some of my longest friends at the ski trip. I don't do this lightly; I've only ever introduced 3 people total to this group of friends. Two of which are still my oldest/closest friends here at home. I did it because this guy is the best guy I've ever dated and I could see a future with him and want my friends to know him and approve. It wasn't as great as I make it out to be. I was terribly insecure at least every other month. I usually have great intuition and don't even question when I get a red flag about someone- I just get outta there. And I would reconfirm that he was divorced and she was ok with him dating me. Then I would be mad at myself for being insecure and that my anti-commitment ways were looking for a reason to throw away another great guy (I've done it in the past). Ever since his birthday weekend the 27 - 28th of January when we went to a B&B, she, E, has been making his life rough and he tells/alludes that it is because she thought they'd get back together somehow and now that he and I are more serious she's acting out. When we get back from the ski trip I give it a day and then prepare to have a heart-to-heart/pick a fight, basically I'm gonna ask what's the story with him and his ex and if it's really over he needs to move out sooner than the July plan. And if he's thinking of getting back with her, I'm walking. Turns out she had beat me to the fight by about a half hour and gave him the same ultimatum. Good, I thought.
So the last two weeks, she's been crazy. I finally broke my rule to not talk badly about her to him and called her a couple names to him when she threatened to take the kid back home to no-one-cares-middle-of-nowhere pan handle, Oklahoma. I told him to fight her, because he's a good father and she's barely around and she just wants to take the kid to her family hometown so her parents can do the parenting while she lives her life. That little girl is incredibly smart and all around awesome and deserves better than an unstable, uncaring parent. He narrowed it down to two apts and we talked about me moving in next month.
Thursday... met at the apt for lunch, but not to eat, only because it is close and has bed. Funny, that morning as I was driving into work I remember thinking 'this is exactly what I wore when we met in May', there's something poetic there, but anyway. So we are getting ready to leave the apt and there's the sound of keys rattling in the door. I'm shoved in a closet. I can hear surprise that he's home, then "where is she??" I'm debating whether to come out of the closet or be discovered when, surprise, the door flies open and I avoid a punch. He grabs her and is holding her as she is yelling "Get out of my house" and "Does he tell you he's going to 'fix it'?" and "Did he tell you we were still having sex" and back to "Get out of my house". I walk to the front door, get my stuff and leave. Priceless moment... the audience of hispanic roof workers having lunch outside the apt smirking at the drama. I still think she's delusional and having issues coming to terms with the reality that they are never getting back together. But as I'm checking my rearview mirror at every stoplight for a psycho ex-wife, I begin to think I can settle my mind with a divorce record and why didn't I ever think of this before. Back at work, there's some light IM convo between us about how mad he is she did that, and how he had to sit in his car and calm down before going back to work. And that he is sorry she took a swing at me, I say I think it surprised both of us and it was kinda half hearted and she seemed surprised she did it too. Meanwhile I am scouring the internet for this divorce record and getting frustrated that I can't find a damn free site online. The public records for JoCo didn't have it, but I'm not entirely sure I have the right county. A friend at work that is divorced and that I have been confiding my insecurities tells me to just ask M for it. I lean away from this for a bit because I feel like I will seem like the insecure gf again, and I hate that. But seconds later I message that his ex is pretty, why'd you get divorced again, you are divorced, right? and not recently (with a smiley), I hate to be insecure, but could you show me a nice divorce doc and make me happier and then I'll never have to ask again. Waiting. More waiting. Reply!: "no". WTH does that mean? "It means I have no nice divorce record to show you, because I'm still married" BAM, knocked on ass. I dropped a couple "fuck, shit, cock"'s at my desk and then apologized to my office mates. Ok, Ok, let's hear the story, maybe there's a reasonable explanation somewhere.
The remainder of that afternoon is a "coming clean" (but turns out to be with more lies). Yes, he's still married. He only did it because he didn't think we'd become serious and then when he really cared about me he didn't know how to come clean. He and E had already decided that divorce was best 6 mos before we met. She had dated 1-2 other guys, (this felt like a lie. I mean which is it 1 or 2?), but she's been lonely lately and changed her mind about divorce. And while yes, he's still technically married and he's sorry he lied to me, he hopes we can be together in the future. I'm reeling, I'm shocked and in disbelief that I ignored my own red flags. I love him, and my mind isn't ready to accept this completely. I get a little angry that evening and realize I want to cry and throw things, but I can't put this together with the person I knew. I'm willing to forgive the lying and can even oddly understand the inability to get out of a lie (ok, most of us learned to not lie in grade school), the trapped feeling and that meeting someone online lets you be whoever you want. But as the emotions settled a bit I told him when he texted at 1am asking for forgiveness again, "I can forgive and oddly understand the trapped feeling of lying, but bottom line is you're still married and unavailable. You made me an affair; you made me the girl I normally hate".
Friday... I barely slept and ignore all his messages until I get to work where gchat can record everything. I have had enough time for the emotional roller coaster to stop at angry. However, I want details. My mind needs details to move past this and I am known to think things to death, which requires details. So I sound like I am willing to forgive all as long as he gives me complete honesty and to tell me if he can't give me that. He agrees and the real truth comes out. She didn't know I existed until December. The last time they had sex was in January right before his birthday. He asked for a divorce in January after the B&B weekend. She never dated anyone else, but she was having lunches with a guy he didn't know and wasn't able to meet before we met. He got on the site to find someone to cheat on her with because he was mad about the lunches. He actually only went on one other date before he met me and I wish I was that girl who never saw him again. Now I am angry, pissed, vindictive. I have all my details, I think. My only communication is to tell him the address to mail my book back to me and to snap at him for asking how my day is and how my lunch was - we're not ok, we're not friends, you don't get to talk to me like it's a normal Friday. Well, I do ask if he knows how badly he f'd up. That she will take 80% or close to it. She'll dictate custody and take their daughter wherever she wants, and he'd be lucky if the main contribution to her life was more than financial. He goes on and on about how that has been weighing on him and he can't focus at work, like I care? Shithead wasn't thinking of his daughter when he was cheating. Complete disregard for his family, and disrespect for his wife, the person he made vows to and was once his best friend. I may have been dumb, but I'm not that dumb. Why would I be anywhere near someone who can do this to someone that they once loved and started a family with??
So I have been debating the last couple days on contacting E. I asked Kim and my work friend. Kim pointed out to consider if I wanted to be involved in their divorce, but that she probably wouldn't hate me. My work friend said do it, but to write a statement she can use in court. Oldest guy friend, Chad said it was the worst idea ever and just leave it all alone. It wasn't til this morning that I realized that the phone number that was trying to call me Thursday while I was talking to Chad was her and she left a teary vm that I just got around to listening to ( I hate vm, that's why I didn't leave one the other day, sorry, Kim). So I decided to go with my gut that I have ignored long enough. I feel stable enough today and he gave me the tracking number for my book being mailed back to me. I love my books, lol. So I texted her, "I just listed to your vm. I didn't recognize the number. I just wanted to let you know that I didn't know you were married until Thursday afternoon when I demanded to see actual divorce papers. I'm so sorry and disgusted. I didn't learn the full extent until Friday and if you have any questions or need a statement from me for a lawyer let me know, otherwise I want as far from this as possible."
Meanwhile he's still texting me that he's sorry and take my time to think and he really misses me and wants me back at any cost, blah blah blah. She responds an hour later, "Thank you. My understanding had been that you knew and did not care." Ugh, so I texted her back saying it wasn't the case and while I am hurt, I can't fathom what she must feel and that I am willing to be completely honest with her if she has any questions. Then I message her again immediately afterwards, "I don't know if he is still lying to you, but he's still asking me back. My moral compass isn't that f'd to consider it, but I wanted you to know and not believe his lies. Again I'm sorry." She immediately thanks me for this information and said he is then playing both sides still because he is telling her that he's seen the light and such and this helps her tremendously. She lets me know that she's going to confront him when he gets back to the apt, because he doesn't know we've been talking yet. I told her that I think he's afraid of what she can do to him in a divorce and of being empty handed. And that she and her daughter deserve far better than that and that this was unreal and to not hesitate to ask me for anything and good luck.
I feel so angry and duped. The writing and wine have calmed me considerably. The most soothing thing has been talking to her and realizing she doesn't hate me. That I helped in a small way by telling her that he's still lying and can't be trusted. I slept 11 hours last night and I think that helped too. He hasn't texted asking how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and when can we meet since E and I's last text. I guess she confronted him and now he has a good idea how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and that meeting isn't likely.
Kim, thank you for letting me rant my story. It feels good to tell someone and I haven't told more than 3 people because I am soo embarrassed and yet, I want people to know and not tell me, 'Aw, I liked him and thought you guys were good together'... that makes a bit of bile rise in my mouth and my eyes sting. I know this is insanely long and feel free to cut whatever or get rid of it altogether.
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